I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

I had an ex like you. Even used the same flowery, mawkish language and emotional manipulation. He would not accept it was over. For years he kept popping back up, asking to meet / have a chat / be given (even more) answers….

The more he pestered, the more I began to loathe and despise him for disrespecting my boundaries and riding rough-shod over my request to let things lie.

I went from a peace-loving, conflict-avoiding, happy woman to a scared, pissed-off, angry person who ended up sending a diatribe of cease-and-desist threats to involve the police if he didn’t just leave me the fuck alone. I spelled out that if I EVER saw his name on any further correspondence, or saw his car on my road or in my neighbourhood, or if my children ever ‘happened’ to see him then I would immediately involve the police and would also ruin his professional reputation by notifying his employer.

That shut the bamboozling, bombarding, self-pitying, selfish, clingy, domineering cunt-face up pronto.

I sincerely hope your poor ex has the sense to do the same. You deserve the fucking frighteners putting on you mate, the same way she’s probably sat terrified of your next stunt right now.

Oh and also: the ‘rose for the little girl’ thing is creepy as fuck. If you came near my daughter with a rose I’d shove it up your arse, thorns-first.

She's told you she doesn't want you in her life so now you're forcing yourself on her. No means no!

Personally, it's really hard to tell from a one sided post as to whether you are abusive or not, however, from the little bit that you have wrote, it sounds to me like you are hurting, struggling to accept that the relationship is over, and that you miss the children that you have taken on as your own, all of which is perfectly normal to feel.

I feel that your intentions with the presents and child maintenance etc are probably well intended, but I do echo what other posters have said I'm afraid OP.

Please get some therapy / see the GP, stop child maintenance and the presents, contact with any of them, and move on. It will be very hard as life is so different to how you knew it to be, but if you don't, you could end up in hot water.

She sadly has decided to end things, and no matter the reasons for that, you need to accept it and move on.

I don't think it's fair to say you are abusive in the little you have written, having experienced abuse myself, however, it could be perceived as that if you continue as you are.

Stop contact, stop the money, heal and find that person that is meant for you. All the best OP.

Copied from familylawpartners.com

A step-parent can only acquire parental responsibility for a child in very specific circumstances including:

• When the court makes a Child Arrangements Order that the child lives with the step-parent either on their own or with another person. However these types of ‘step parent’ orders are uncommon.

• When the step-parent adopts a child which puts him/her in the same position as a birth parent.

• Through the signing of a Parental Responsibility Agreement to which all other people with Parental Responsibility consent. This is a formal document which needs to be signed by all the parties and then registered at court.

• When the court has made a Parental Responsibility Order following an application by the step-parent. On acquiring parental responsibility, a step-parent has the same duties and responsibilities as a natural parent. Note that in order to apply for a parental responsibility order the step-parent must still be married to the other parent. Once a step-parent is divorced from the parent of the child they can no longer apply for or be granted parental responsibility.

He isn't a step-parent - they're not married.

Exactly. I wasn't agreeing with him. I think it rather proves he has no chance whatsoever.

It's not your decision to decide what's healthy for children who are not yours.

Their mum has made a decision that she believes is in their best interests. On the basis of what you have posted here, it appears to be the right decision too.

Why do you think that your wants should override this? You are overstepping massively.

This. He somehow thinks that having been previously shagging their mum makes him a step-parent.
If he really had been seeing himself as such before she had the good idea to dump him then he’d have married her / adopted the kids / applied for PR.

Funny how he didn’t get round to that for FIVE YEARS yet only since his ex gf dumped him does he start making noises about wanting ‘parental rights’.

Blatantly obvious what this is really about.

So you've been in touch with her brothers as well as her?

When will you leave this family alone?

No is a complete sentence. She doesn't want you in her life any more. She says you're an abuser. Walk away.

And yes, Valentine's Day is in 8 days, so cancel it now and get your money back now. It also means the florist can resell the flowers you've ordered.

You are manipulative and an abuser and we can see that in your responses on here. No wonder she wanted rid of you.

@MyrtleLion Yeah, trying to 'flying monkey' her. I think the fact she ended it by text is quite telling tbh. She knew he'd go off the deep end.

Re: my cunt-face ex as discussed above… he also flying-monkeyed me too, just like you’ve been doing.

I’m actually hoping you’re the same guy as my ex, otherwise it means there’s more than one of you walking around 🥴

You’ll be sat in a superman cape on top of that florist’s next with a “Mums’ Ex-Boyfriends For Justice” banner. 🙄

Her brothers are friends with me. They contact me, not the other way round. I’m housing one of them because he was homeless. But uh, cheers for the accusation.

Another narc tactic. No doubt he'll have been mentioning in the emails too how unreasonable her brothers think she is and how cruel they think she's being to the children...

If you're still reading OP - it doesn't matter what her brothers think - they didn't have to live with you and I doubt know the full extent of the ins and outs of your relationship.

Also, I doubt if confronted by you giving them puppy dog eyes they'd tell you the truth, more that they'd be like "oh, yeah mate course the kids are missing you" (now fuck off and leave us alone).

That made me laugh 🤣🤣

It’s good you can laugh at how preposterous this sounds. It’s the first step to ceasing this madness. Happy to have helped 👍🏻

OP I'm fairly sure I read the reddit post a few days ago - you hooked up with her friend didn't you?

Is this an arrangement that has come into place since either she and the kids moved out or you moved out? Or have you never lived with your ex?

So he's homeless and his family wouldn't house him? How reliable a witness is he then to how unreasonable his sister is? I'm guessing she doesn't speak to him right?

He's hardly going to disagree with you when he's using you for shelter is he?

Did you let the brother move in with you after you'd split up then? Funny that...

You're the one who asked if you are an abuser. I'm just answering your own question.

You know exactly what you're doing here. But you can't keep up the nice guy facade because it's not authentic.

I feel bad for you but you need to respect the boundaries of a breakup and that means zero contact. I accept that not seeing the children must be really difficult for you (it probably is for them as well) but they aren't your children so you have no rights, stop sending her money.. it's a piss take that she's keeping it to be honest.
But you really do need to draw a line and move on unfortunately.

I work with domestic abusers daily and it's so clear that you are yet another one.

And as much as you are using a lot of words and faux introspection, there is no accountability from you.

Going against the grain here and going to say i genuinely feel really sad for you. It's clear you love the children and im very sympathetic that she isn't letting you see them. That being said, you have acted inappropriately and definitely need to leave her alone now. I hope in time it calms down and you are able to see the children again. I'm sure people here know how horrendous heart break feels and sometimes we act out of desperation. I hope you can find other ways to fill the void for now and get yourself back on track 🙏

This is why you never, ever should get involved with a women with kids – you'll ultimately lose regardless of what way you look at it.

Leave her alone and learn from your lesson. They're other fish in the sea.