I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

Hello OP. I can totally understand how you may feel. Being with someone for so long and getting close to her kids and then being told it is over. I can see how you may feel devastated, but this is life. A woman broke up with you and you just have to accept it. You do not think you are doing anything wrong because you are trying to be nice, but the thing is, it is wrong to do anything when someone tells you to do nothing, you see? She put up a boundary that you keep crossing.

You came here asking for our opinion and we are telling you, yes, your behaviour is wrong. Stop it! Stop trying to do anything for her and stop trying to get to her kids.

@NavyDog I’ve asked three different places, and got three very different responses. However, the diversity of the responses is important to me.

I am sorry, but there is no way anyone told you that what you are doing is ok!

Is he the one who does the YouTube videos of him doing it and showing all the PMs he gets?

I’ve taken most criticism on the chin, yes I’ve corrected some incorrect details as why wouldn’t I? But what I’ve mainly realised from this thread (from some troubled posters) is that at least I can rest peacefully at night knowing I’m not the only person with an unstable brain.

To those with genuine criticism and advice I highly appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply to my question 🙏

Why won't you say why you split up?

However, yes, it’s up to Mum or the judge. However, I don’t think I’ll be taking the legal route.

Believe me, this wouldn't get to court.

Are you ok?

No - he’s not even in that league. He’s just some bog standard private citizen with poor social skills and BO.

I think you need to leave them in the past and focus on yourself and moving forward with a new life.

Have the therapy and learn new ways to deal with this but also prioritise getting yourself back on track, emotionally, physically, financially - maybe take up a new spot or a hobby, meet some new people, learn new skills and get yourself settled in a new house (assuming you moved out) or if they moved out make it feel different. Get your head down at work and catch up with new friends etc

You need to let them go, delete phone numbers, reminders for gifts, their address from Amazon or where ever and move on, even if that is one foot slowly in front of the other.

There will be a new life for you out there and I’m sure you will meet someone else when you are ready but let them go and get yourself healthy again.

You need to stop. You need to stop paying for the children. Whatever your relationship has been, they're not yours and you don't have any rights towards them.

To break up such a serious relationship over text is extreme and I can understand that you're very upset, however your actions are helping nobody and are doing more harm than good. Please take care of yourself.

If the child

1. lives with said step parent for 3+ years
2. actively calls said person “dad”

Legally, you do have rights. Likely small rights. But rights.

This is why I seeked legal advise for this topic, and didn’t ask MumsNet. But cheers for your input.

I get the impression that poor social skills is rife in them.

When did you order the valentines flowers?

Same reason why he won’t answer my question - when it comes to the real issues he doesn’t want to explain. It will not paint him in the glowing, loving person who’s been done wrong by for very little reason persona he’s going for.

Well done for deciding to go no contact (hopefully that includes lawyers and paying for the kids too).

It sounds wrong but honestly it is for the best.
Hopefully she will change her mind in a year or 2 and let you have contact with the kids but I wouldn’t count on it.

If you carry on the way you are then you will just push her further away.

You may not get the outcome you want by going no contact but at least you won’t make things more difficult.

I always think instead of begging for someone back and making yourself seem desperate or like they can click their fingers and you’ll do whatever they want.
Focus on yourself and improving your life, so they regret losing you and end up begging for you back.

It’s funny how many people don’t want you because they know that they can have you whenever they want.
But as soon as you stop trying with them and start focusing on yourself or find someone else. All of a sudden they want you again.

Have you stopped for a literal second and thought about whether the kids want to see you? They're not property that you're entitled to. You don't get to decide if it's best for you to be around them or not, by the way.

And forcing your ex girlfriend into court (or trying to) to get visitation to children who may never want to see you again is astoundingly selfish.

Have you stopped for a second to think, mhmm, the way I’m asking this question is rude as f?

Yes. Her brothers have told me the kids want to see me and miss me.

What specific rights are you looking for with the children? What parental input did you have before you split? It’s not to antagonise, if you were a fully involved dad every day, with absolutely no reason for your ex to be concerned about sharing care, maybe she is being unreasonable. If you were the guy who came over on the weekend that they naturally called ‘dad’ because you’re the only male figure they’ve known from birth, that’s a whole different matter. And you evidently not being over their mum/losing her as part of the family unit is part of the concern, you can’t seem to separate her from the children emotionally - if it’s obvious on here then a judge will absolutely believe you’re using her children as a motivation to harass her.

You are deciding all the feelings here,

I think this nailed it on the head. Of course you are allowed to have feelings about the break up. Of course you are entitled to feel very sad about not having contact with children who have been in your life for a long time.

BUT

Your behaviour is all about imposing your feelings on your partner whether that is your conscious intention or not - you seem to be ignoring what does not fit with what you want because it is not personally important to you. Or justifying your behaviour when it is challenged. Just because it is important to you does not mean it should be important to her. And she is not responsible for managing your feelings. FWIW, the tone of your relationship was set when you called her because you were feeling suicidal. Whatever your intention, this is a very common technique for emotional manipulation - if you had done this to me, it would all be over at that point.

@NavyDog you don't have rights just because the kids called you dad and you loved with them for more than three years. All you have is the chance to ask a judge if contact is in the best interests of the children, even though it is not what the only person with parental responsibility for these children (their Mum) wants. I suppose it's not a zero percent chance that a judge might think it's in their best interests, but the chances are slim.

Yes you are horrible and abusive - you asked, we replied.
I expect you in that florist shop at 9am tomorrow morning cancelling your order.

Leave them alone, it is over.

and of course a solicitor will take your money !

you are not the children's father, I hope the mother gets to hear of this thread and gets her own legal advice against you.

I would be really interested to see the statute or legislation that covers your legal right to have access to her children based on the fact they called you dad.....🤔

But what I’ve mainly realised from this thread (from some troubled posters) is that at least I can rest peacefully at night knowing I’m not the only person with an unstable brain.

So your conclusion from this thread is basically that everyone who disagrees with you on here is unstable?

Says the man who is posting on forum after forum to see whether or not he's unhinged, is under a mental health crisis team, has been sending his ex who has told him in no uncertain terms to leave her the fuck alone unwanted gifts and money (the ex who is telling everyone she's scared of him) is turning up at her door uninvited, sending her lots of angry emails (clearly because she's blocked him on her phone), is seeking to gain visitation rights to her children despite being no relation to them....have I missed anything out?

Ok.

I really hope you mean it when you say you're going to leave her alone now.

You don’t sound abusive but you are harassing her and a little obsessive.
The suicide thing is a classic thing narcissists do

But what I’ve mainly realised from this thread (from some troubled posters) is that at least I can rest peacefully at night knowing I’m not the only person with an unstable brain.

Wow, that’s some real word salad. The mask is coming off now.