I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

The mum says he is abusive. So really, do you think it would be right to give an abusive man ongoing contact with her through access to her children that he has no biological or legal tie with? How does that sit ethically with you?

Abusive or just heartbroken and bereft ? I am not trying to judge, just asking questions l

Being heartbroken doesn’t mean someone can behave abusively.

Pretty much all abusers give reasons that they believe their behaviour was justified. Understanding that someone may have been upset by a situation doesn’t mean you excuse their behaviour.

It’s also not clear whether the OP’s ex believes he became abusive after they broke up, or if abuse was the reason for her breaking up with him. Breaking up by text after a five-year relationship does suggest she did not want to have the conversation in person.

But if we're just talking about the ethics of the situation, what you seem to be suggesting is that any man who is in a child's life for a few years should gain some right to continue to see them, even if he's not related to them or hasn't adopted them. Which would include abusive ex-boyfriends.

Your ex and her kids mean the world to you, but you shagged one of her friends?

I’m not even sure that he lived with these children.

There is a very strange gap between him being told by text the relationship was over just before Christmas (which suggests they may not have been living together then, or she moved out while he was away) and him now providing housing for her brother just seven weeks later.

If he a man is in a child’s life for a few years and adopts them ( I.e. gets a piece of paper ) , then the woman wants to cut him due to a similar situation outlined by OP, then does it make it right that the piece of paper allows him to see the children ?

It's wonderful what you did for these children. Sadly you have zero rights. You also have zero obligation. I'm afraid if you don't stop you can end up in legal problems. For your own sake you must stop.

He'd have actual legal parental responsibility that would have been agreed to by the mother in that situation.

Family courts do not do a great job of protecting women and children in domestic abuse cases as it is. I don't think widening "rights" to access is a sensible option.

You are not biologically related to the children. Your behaviour post breakup (sending presents etc) is unnerving for WOMEN. Women are on high alert, all the time, for inappropriate behaviour from men. Men with bad intentions target single women with children to get access to their kids.

Don't even get me started on the threats of suicide. It's a common tool of a manipulator who is losing control. You can't end the relationship as I'm going to kill myself and it's all your fault. Actually, no it isn't. If you kill yourself that's on you, no one has made you do it.

The woman has broken up with you. She is not sending signals to encourage your involvement in her life. Stop giving her money for children that are not yours. Stop sending her gifts. Stop demanding to see children that are not yours.

Accept the relationship is over and leave her and her kids alone.

The poor kids though... bonded with him over a 5+ year period then nothing😥

You need to be honest with yourself, OP. I dont doubt you are missing the children but I also think you feel that being in contact with them and being their "dad" is the only way you can stay close to your ex partner. Indeed, women have to have contact with their kids' fathers, no mater what - however, the thing is, you are not their dad. What would you do if she meets someone else and her kids will be calling him Dad in 5 years time? Will you still be in the picture once you understand she is with someone else?

It looks to me like the main reason you are upset is her leaving you. Not the kids (but, as I said, I dont doubt you are also missing them).

All you can do is be nice to her; you dont have to pay her (I would imagine this is also something that makes you fell close to her) but you also should not be forceful, aggressive and stalkerish. You can find a good family solicitor and take her to family court for contact, if you think you have that right. But you should also be prepared to be told you cant have that. Such is life; you either accept it or you will end up arrested/ with a non-molestation order served against you. In any case, whatever you do would not bring your ex back - all you are doing is cementing her decision to leave you behind.

Good luck.
Edited: masses of spelling mistakes, sorry!

No one knows how deep the relationship actually was, the op is refusing to give key information. However, as others have pointed out - to dump someone by text after apparently having a serious enough relationship to let your kids call him ‘dad’ is very odd, the ex is evidently very fed up of him before he started harassing her, and quite frankly without knowing the actual reason they split the assumption has to be that the ex is protecting her children’s wellness even if it hurts in the short term. Bonding with your mum’s boyfriend doesn’t entitle a lifelong relationship, especially since the op isn’t actually interested in being a fully involved dad in the realist terms.

I can understand that you are heartbroken. And I really do understand that, I've lost people too. It took me a long time to heal. You've lost three people that you love. But you have lost them. You have to leave them alone and grieve. Let them grieve. It's horrible to hear, but if she sees you as a monster, then you are a monster to her. Trying to argue against her perspective is only going to paint you in a worse light.

No one knows how deep the relationship actually was, the op is refusing to give key information.

Yep. What we do know is that they both cheated on each other early on and the relationship was terminated abruptly with no contact following, so it seems unlikely it was all the happy, wholesome family picture that the OP is trying to paint it as.

If you love the kids just leave it in the past and stop pestering them. It is what it is, they’re not your biological children and you haven’t adopted them.

Causing disruption is much worse.

@NavyDog, please read this over and over again. @ItGhoul is spot on.

I feel like a lot of people are looking to solve a mystery, why we split up, this that and the other. I only came on here to check my own sanity, and nothing else. But I’ll feed the curiosity to the level I’m comfortable with

• Living arrangements. Yes, I lived with her. I have two homes, as well as my ex partners house. I gave her brother a place to stay roughly 8 months ago because he was homeless. Him and his brothers contact me, and often, because they see me as their brother and we’ve become incredibly close over the years.
• Early into the relationship infidelity happened, she was a mess due to the suicide of her ex partner. She spiralled according to her, me being broken decided to do tit for tat. Over the coming years we healed and got stronger year on year.
• I don’t know why people are jumping to conclusions. There could quite literally be a million reasons as to why she may have left. Another man, simply falling out of love, many things. To automatically assume it’s because I’m abusive is next level crazy in my opinion. Although this seems the nature of MumsNet, and although an abuser wouldn’t admit they’re an abuser, on the most part I was very supportive. In fact, a lot of people have mentioned that I’d “bend over backwards” for her. I don’t feel people know enough, and there isn’t enough time in the day for me to explain it either, for anybody to jump to such sick conclusions. It’s a possibility of course, but to jump to that conclusion out of a million and one possibilities isn’t very nice imho.
• With or without me, although it’d hurt me to see it, the most important thing to me is that her and the kids are happy. I’ve admittedly made some bad decisions due to emotions. But I’m now in a situation where my only option is to 1. Walk away 2. Go the legal route to at least show how badly I’d like to see the children. People can be cold hearted all they want, I raised these kids. I love them. They love me. I may lose, but I wouldn’t be a man without at least exploring every avenue before losing them for good.
• I have specified I am going no contact 10x.
• We split up over something extremely trivial, but she cited it as “the last straw”. This post has no relevance to the reason as to why we split up, hence why I see no reason to go into these details. People say I made a mistake with Reddit, but in the same breath ask for intimate details which are now completely irrelevant.
• Please stop mentioning that it’s “weird” that her daughter’s Dad (at the time) bought her a pink rose for Valentine’s. I’ve seen loads of fathers doing this, the child loved it, it made her happy, and frankly your opinion on this is irrelevant to the post and irrelevant in general. Childs happiness >> random person on MumsNets opinion.

All in all, I value your diverse opinions. Some people have been next level toxic, about things literally not relevant to the post, but to those who have stayed on topic and given me brutal, or nice, responses I respect you immensely and appreciate the time you’ve put into helping me understand the perspective of females. Thank you!

"Trivial" to you, obviously not to her.

Sorry op, you’re not going to like this but that post is absolutely dripping in narc red flags. Your language is all about how you see ownership in the people in her family, her daughter is yours, her brother is yours, her feelings about why the relationship ended is trivial and irrelevant. The last one in particular - no, they wouldn’t have been trivial, not to the point where she is trying to remove you from her life so suddenly and sharply. I suspect you know why she left you but no one likes hearing criticism and I suspect that is tenfold for you. And then the last bit ‘the perspective of females’, that is the one that cements it…

I don’t understand. I honestly don’t.

She, herself, said it was trivial. However, it was the last straw. So more like a pressure cooker.

Perhaps it’s my fault for opening this up for discussion publicly, but I genuinely find it crazy how quickly people jump to conclusions. And the conclusion is always one…against me. Weirdly.

The funny thing is, the only person in this relationship who ever had hands laid on them was me. Yet… every assumption is, I’m the devil.

Honestly, it’s actually starting to humour me how I am the devil no matter what according to these comments. I was only asking one thing: were my actions after the breakup unethical, which we’ve established was indeed. For any other details, you’re all incredibly misinformed and it’s all guesswork.

“And the conclusion is always one…against me”

Perhaps you ought to reflect on that.

Right. So, now you’re saying you know better than me… and her, when we both agreed it was trivial?

Cheers for … I don’t even know. Cheers for knowing more than myself about my relationship 😂

20% of the posters here are just pure comedy I swear.

By certain individuals on MN, not in general. The vast majority of those who actually know the situation do not have that viewpoint, including her family.

however, as I said, I just wanted fresh perspective for my own sanity.

I also find it insane how I also just mentioned how I was physically abused. And uh, still, attack the man attack the man.

I’m good, cheers for asking.

As I said earlier, thanks to the majority of people who replied. But to the few are clearly incredibly bias against men and men’s welfare in general, perhaps take a look at yourselves too.