I need a sanity check. Am I being horrible/abusive?

[NavyDog]

Sanity check after a breakup. Am I a psychopath?

I was with a girl for 5 1/2 years. She has two children, I met one of the kids when they were only 3-4 months old and the other from 3 years old and I took on the role of being their dad (their Dad died). And we were a family, the kids saw me as their father. I went to parents evenings, doctors appointments, nativity plays, I loved it too. They are/were my babies.

Anyway, she split up with me over text about a week before Christmas. She also said before splitting up and after on the phone when I rang her that one time, that I would be able to see the kids. The issue is, she didn’t honour this and she’s gone fully cold turkey. She’s now out of nowhere saying I’m abusive and harassing / stalking her.

So I need a sanity check

Events:

1. I felt suicidal and rang her a couple of days after the breakup. Wrote a will, the lot.
2. Christmas and her birthday (late Jan) I got her presents, a cake and her favourite meal delivered FROM THE KIDS because I didn’t want her to have nothing. As a Mum, getting presents and cards from your kids is so so important and no matter what, it isn’t something I wanted her to experience. Even if she hated me, I wanted to do right by the kids.
3. I have emailed her 10 times in ~2 months. On one occasion in 4 quick bursts out of anger. But this is primarily me saying why can’t I see the kids? Why have you gone no contact after our previous discussions?
4. I have been paying child support for both the children (she has kept it)
5. I made an anonymous Reddit post about our relationship to get alternative points of view, because right now it’s just hate hate hate towards me, and although I’m no angel she was not faultless by any stretch. But I then sent her the link so it was other peoples opinions… not just her (likely misinformed) friends.
6. I have only gone to her house once to drop off her birthday presents but strategically did this so the kids would not see me because it may upset them.

Now, I heard from mutual friends that she has been saying I’m an abuser, I’ve been harassing her, and that she’s genuinely scared of me. I’ve never laid a finger on her. Honestly, I’d prefer to die to do so too. Her and the kids are my entire world and it is soul destroying to think that she thinks this. I’ve considered handing over a tracking link for my car and phone so she feels safe but I’ve been told reaching out may be deemed like I’m trying to manipulate her more.

I just don’t get it. I really don’t. I know my emails have perhaps been a bit much but a danger? Not one has been aggressive either. I’ve been to a lawyer and he’s written a cease and desist request and asks if I can see the kids, but now I don’t want to even do this because again it might be deemed that I’m trying to manipulate.

I am truly lost. I don’t understand why I’m being looked at like this.

Have I lost my sanity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m emotional because I miss her and the kids, and I’m hurt that I’m being perceived like this. But have I lost my sanity?

I agree.
You sound very distressed but you're not reacting in an appropriate way. It's over. It may be hard to accept but you need to leave her alone.
As per the poster quoted, you need to get some help and support for your suicidal feelings.

😂😂

brought up child since new born. She loved getting flowers. I gave my little girl a flower. She was happy.

= none of your business.

why are you bringing your irrelevant daughter into this discussion you absolute weirdo.

@NavyDog

The more you reply, the more you are beginning to show your true self...

If my true self is retaliating to people mentioning that my “old” daughter liking to receive a rose is “disgusting” then yes, I will.

There is criticism, then there’s just comments designed purely to be unkind. Whether she liked her “dad” to give her flowers is of no business to anybody. She liked them, I liked to make her happy, and I’ll defend trying to do that because frankly, it’s the only thing that’s important in life.

If you think I’m going to take irrelevant abuse, na. Not a chance.

So did you shag her mate? Is that why you won't tell us why she dumped you?

You can’t call someone a weirdo when you’re describing a child who isn’t your daughter and you’re not allowed to see ‘my little girl who I like giving valentine roses to’….

My sister and I owned a flower shop for 15 years. It is very common and normal for dads, uncles and grandparents to give their kids flowers too. Half of our orders on Valentine's Day were from parents or other family members. My dad gave me and my sisters flowers as well growing up and he was not a creep. Flowers are not sexual, not even on Valentine's Day. 🙄

That being said OP you need to let this go. Leave her alone, you are violating her personal space and right to be away from you. While you may love her children they are her children. You have no right to them. Stop paying her money for them, it makes you sound needy and desperate. They are not your children, STOP giving her money. That is probably a large part of the harassing part. Go get therapy because you do need it. It was a bad break up and you are heartbroken, but move on.

@NavyDog

If you genuinely miss the children you have treated as yours, please wait patiently. They may seek you out when they reach the age of majority, remembering you loved them and treated them well. Until then, please try and get on with your life, try a new hobby, spend time with friends and try to get out to places, i.e cinema etc, just for a distraction.

Yeah your crazy

I’m gonna guess you never actually lived together, right?

You asked, “Am I a psychopath?”

Yes. Yes you are.

I’d say seek help but men like you, (abusers) don’t engage with therapy unless it’s to benefit themselves. And even then, it’s dishonest and futile.

You’re threatening to legally challenge for contact with her children. Wtf is wrong with you? You are a danger to women and their children. Stay single and don’t procreate.

@NavyDog even your answers on here are aggressive !

Never takes long for the mask to slip does it?

Hey just a message of support, you aren’t crazy, you’re just heartbroken and that can make you extremely emotional. She may have a change of heart in 6 months. If not, Time will heal. I wonder, If you’re in touch with her brothers, if appropriate , could they negotiate visitation with the kids with their supervision? It’s sad for the kids that they’re not allowed to see you . Sounds like you may have legal rights but you don’t want to be cause ex distress. Really difficult situation for everyone involved including your ex. Take care of yourself .

@Atomickitten what legal rights does he have?

Yes do tell what legal rights he has to children that are not his, has no parental responsibility for and when he didn’t marry their mother

he is not their father

So you’re emailing her on average more than once a week. Threatening suicide, ducking and diving around her property to leave presents?

Don’t be surprised if she calls the police.

Also, stop asking for access to her kids. They’re not yours, not in a legal sense. You’ve got no right to see or speak to them.

I haven’t read all OPs comments nor everyone’s views, but , being devils advocate, does not having a piece of paper make them any less his children? Ie just because he hasn’t legally adopted them , does it make it right he can’t see the kids. If he had the relevant adoption paperwork would it make it right that he was able to have visitation rights when his ex doesn’t want that?

@NavyDog

no - you assumed incorrectly

it is ' you absolute weirdo.' comments like that - when you have come onto MUMSnet and start calling the good people on MUMSnet names ( the majority of MUMSnet are female - the biggest clue is in the name of the website )

it's not really clever to name call those giving advice...

I don’t know, his solicitor said he has rights

That piece of paper is essential though.

Legally, he’s got no rights to see or speak to them. Never will have.

Without formal adoption, he’s got nothing.

His solicitor said he has rights

No solicitor has told him he has rights. I know he said that, but it’s not true. He has no rights whatsoever.

I guess I’m debating the ethics rather than the legality of the situation .

Yeah I understand. Although I can see why the ex hasn’t let him see her kids when he‘a talking about suicide, emailing her, taking presents over etc.

I imagine she just wants him gone.