Dating thread 52 - 2025. Springing into Spring

[oldernotwiserffs]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Ceci693 - I’m a sometime lurker on this thread having given up after a deciding I actually hate dating.

Im going to be brutally honest, reading your posts about this guy, my instincts have been saying that he’s a time waster. There just always seems to be an excuse and he lets you down before you’ve even met. There’s far too many men like that out there.

I could be wrong but I’ve come across his time too many times.

Take a step back, try not to get invested too soon to a stranger and remember nothing is real until it is.

its hard I get that but protect yourself

Sorry Ceci693 It's so hard isn't it, you need to be as detached as possible before you actually meet, just in case it doesn't happen/he isn't genuine.

Lots of us on this thread, myself included, have got overly invested before we've met somebody, & then it's gone wrong.

Lovie this is the problem with texting for ages. Sending hugs xxx

Ended up calling with another guy who has been asking to call for a while. He wqs ok but there’s zero chemistry I just didn’t get any vibe with him at all. Mr softy - we have real chemistry - talking on the phone and in texting- ah well am gonna have to give myself a huge talking to and get on with my life. Have been holding back on plans for the weekend in case he wants to meet but need to just get on and if he wants me he can arrange to meet or whatever. Or he can fade away. But yeh I need to be a lot more detached. I am detached about all the other guys but there’s a vibe with this guy that’s unusual. Anyway talking to someone else has calmed me down in some ways . Will get plans set for the weekend tmw and he can either fit in round them or not. It’s a lesson - thanks everyone

We met about 4 times in total? The first 2 weeks he couldn’t seem to get enough of me - constant texting etc. then said things got busy at work, he was away for a weekend, then the person he co-owns his business with was in hospital recovering from brain surgery. So there were lots of reasons for him to be less available and to be messaging less. However it got to the point where he would literally just message me once per day (so would reply to me last message and then not reply for another 24 hours or so).

In the end it just felt like I was being breadcrumbed - so I just told him the timing was clearly not right for him and to let me know if that ever changed, and I basically haven’t heard from him since. It was a shame as the physical chemistry was there in spades, he was just emotionally unavailable.

It’s easier said than done to detach - I find it so hard! But someone else will come along eventually who is more engaged and then you’ll be glad you didn’t hold out for this guy!

Oh yes, I can relate! We were pretty much in a relationship, as in, I got to a point where I was starting to tell friends about him etc. He did absolutely everything right, constant texting, long calls, we'd have these fantastic dates where we'd just chat for hours, and values were really aligned. We'd be on a plane together and all other couples would be just getting on with things, and we'd be close up, holding hands, chatting all flight long, laughing and being playful.

Unlike in your case, physical chemistry was the lacking part though. It was nice enough but not... 🔥It was interesting as he wanted time together but after the first few times, stopped trying for sex, which was weird as surely that should be at the forefront of a new relationship.

Then he went on holiday, from where he was texting very enthusiastically, came back, and suddenly... Breadcrumbing. Somehow work got busy, he had to go on some unexpected trips, his friends had an emergency, his parents had an emergency... Saw him 2-3 times after the holiday and then he broke up with me as it wasn´t working.

So yours was emotionally unavailable, mine was physically unavailable it seems 😂

Probably for the best these relationships finished though, right? I'd only want to be with someone if they are really, really keen.

Would you rather be told 'hey, I don't think this is working out'? Than have that niggling feeling that something's not quite right?

Yes lots of parallels here for sure! And yes so weird that he stopped being interested in the physical side of things so early on.

I wish people could just be more up front if it’s not working for them. Why the slow fade? Yes it feels crappy to tell someone quite openly that you’re just not that into them, but surely it’s worse to drag it out and waste everyone’s time? The whole point of dating is to see if it works for you or not.

The last guy I dated before the current one, was absolutely lovely and on paper was a perfect match, not to mention seemed really into me. But I just wasn’t feeling any physical chemistry. I gave it the benefit of the doubt thinking maybe it would be a slow burn, but after 6 dates there was no sizzle. I could see he was getting serious and so at that point I had to tell him I didn’t see it going anywhere. It felt shit and like I’d kicked a puppy, but at least I was honest.

I’m now 3 weeks in with Mr Nomad and realising more and more that even if someone is busy, if they want to make time then they will. His work is highly seasonal and has just hit peak so he is working 10-12 hour days. However, he’s kept up the messaging and even called me twice today, fitting in calls while he’s been driving between sites. And when I messaged him yesterday that I was stressing about a job interview, he called me back straight away to give me a pep talk even though it was the middle of the day, which was nice! So far so good. But I’m also conscious we are only 3 weeks in and in all likelihood he’s here for a fun time not a long time, so I’m trying very very hard not to get too attached…

@Ceci693 I think the uncertainty with this guy may be making it more intense?

Mr X is being a knob. There were at last count 27 reasons we split up and despite telling me he would move heaven and earth to reconcile he is still a knob.

Onwards!

Hi everyone, I’m new here! Interesting reading this thread, I think we’re all struggling with similar things.

I recently dipped my toe into the murky world of OLD 18 months after the demise of my 12 year marriage. I have children, I’m not looking for anyone to coparent them or share my household bills but everything feels a bit beige and cautiously I think I would like to be in a relationship again but not one where there is any massive pressure to move in together etc.

I had some beginners luck and matched with someone in a similar situation, we met and the chemistry was hot! We met another couple of times and slept together which was lovely. We’re still in touch, but I felt like I was getting too attached too quickly so I pulled back a bit after I’d asked him to meet up and he knocked me back. There was a genuine reason but it’s bothering me that he’s not made any effort to make any other arrangements to meet. I think he might be a bit unsure of his position but then the advice seems to be if he wanted to, he would so might be be better just to leave it and potentially miss out on something that could be good. Any thoughts? I don’t want to make a fool of myself x

Hi @PinkNeonSignwelcome. Am a newbie too . As for advice I don’t know. I feel like a teenager again - if I’m not that into them it’s fine but as soon as I start to feel attraction I go to pieces and lose any sense of what’s going on.

am thinking I will stay in touch with MrBigDog that I was talking to last night. I didn’t feel any vibe or chemistry at all. But he seems sweet and straightforward so he might be good for practise if we get to the meeting up stage which I think we will soon he sees quite keen and it would be nice to go out on some dates and have a laugh. He did talk and talk though. Could be nerves? Not sure yet

am trying not to watch my phone for Mr softy. Maybe I blew it last night questioning why he didn’t ring. I should block him for my own sanity but can’t help giving him another chance just cos the chemistry is there and that seems elusive . Wait and see I guess. In the meantime i have plans for the weekend so will just get on with it. Why is it so hard. Seems so simple - we like each other and there’s huge chemistry so just get on with it and meet up etc . Anyway. Sigh !!!

Ps I was chatting to a guy last night - who made zero effort - I said so where do you like to hang out in (our city - we live in same city) - one word answer - “flexible” think I’ll unmatch him

Yeah @Ceci693 my instinct is it’s a numbers game but I just don’t think I’m wired that way! I’m trying just to get on with things and see anything else as a bonus, I think you’re right just to make your plans as normal.

I’ve chatted to quite a few men, it’s interesting how the conversation varies, some barely say anything, I find some are too PG, there needs to be a bit of flirtation doesn’t there! One was a total mood hoover who’d had a bad experience in the past (we’ve all had a bad experience in the past).

I’ve only met this man I like (let’s call him MrElusive) and one other who I met briefly when I was out with friends. We made arrangements to meet again and we’d been messaging in the interim, all seemed okay then one night he just flipped, he was totally unhinged, I’ve had a lucky escape x

That’s why I really like Mr softy - he gets my jokes😂and I get his dry humor and we are quite flirty . Yes some of the convos are so boring - or else they just give one word answers and it’s a bit painful. Are you giving this guy space now then.

So MrBigDog just messaged me and said I sounded wonderful and exciting 😆😆😆😆

why is it always the one you’re ok about that is the safe dependable one and the one I really want is doing radio silence 🙈

Yes, I think I will give this guy space now. He messaged last, and we have a shared interest so I can get in contact about that but I’m not asking him if he wants to meet again, I think that would need to come from him. Probably best to forget I ever met him - sigh!

Sounds like MrBigDog is keen x

I’m back in the saddle so to speak. Have been busy with work and found myself jaded from too many swipes by pensioners or men covered in gravy so came off for a while. Buoyed by having had a lovely bumble find I dipped my toe back in and have met and passed up Mr Sniper, Dr Brains, and a very disappointing Mr Podcast. Have been having long chats with Mr Porsche and we are planning to meet tomorrow….now feeling nervous and not sure whether to change my sheets and clean my house in case or leave as it is which would definitely stop me bringing him home!! 😂

I'm not surprised Mr Podcast was very disappointing, in my book anyone having a podcast is at least an amber flag! What was the podcast about? 😂

Tell us more about the date? What are you wanting to get out of dating/ what kind of guy would you love to meet?

Hey @ElleintheWoods Mr Podcast was cagey about his work/podcast and then I found out it was about the gambling/gaming industry and he worried people found it seedy. He was very self absorbed and the whole date was just embarrassing but he seemed keen as mustard. Definitely not for me. Mr Porsche and I have a shared love of cars and DIY and both have our shit together. He’s a few years younger which is a tick for me and has his own house and interesting job. We have a lot in common and shared goals so I just want to see if we have chemistry in the flesh.

I really really love the sound of Mr Nomad, he's definitely my favourite man on this thread! See, this, being busy and at the end of a busy day, wanting to connect with you and doing little things like calling you for the pep talk, this is how a man should act in my book.

My male friends would do things like that for me in a heartbeat, eg if they know I had a significant event, they'd check in in the evening. Would expect absolutely no less from a partner, therefore.

The way he's acting just sounds really organic and genuine and caring to me. Not acting in a certain way because of potential gain. Even if it isn't a happily ever after due to distance etc, you'll still have good memories and will have felt special and connected to another human.

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/lifestyle/lifestylegeneral/i-was-31-burned-out-and-single-would-a-string-of-dates-with-french-men-bring-back-my-joie-de-vivre/ar-AA1O5l6E?ocid=entnewsntp&pc=U531&cvid=68e8a49cfd2640c2864f258709e4b184&ei=77

I really liked this article, makes the different between being respectful vs transactional clear.

@ProjectsGalore don't clean the house!!

@PinkNeonSign you could make one suggestion and after that consider your work done?

Yeah @Nosdacariad, I might, I tend to think I’ve probably got my answer though x

Hmmm yes podcast definitely a red flag then based on your experience. Suppose it’s similar to dating an influencer - some like the idea but personally I wouldn’t.

Sounds like a promising date! What’s the plan?

And sounds like you’re looking for someone more aligned and at the same level as you, so probably a long-term relationship rather than a fling? Are you playing the numbers game or focusing on a few people you really like?

That was such a lovely read, so well written. It’s Saturday morning here, the sun is shining, and I’ve just finished reading it over a cup of coffee. So nice!

Yes it is the little things that can be the most romantic sometimes. I’m really not a flowers and chocolates kind of girl. MrEager, the man I dated who was keen but there was zero chemistry, bought me flowers on our 4th date and I felt weirdly uncomfortable about it. Whereas Mr Nomad will do small things like grabbing my hand as we cross the street, which I find weirdly nice.

What’s romantic for you? And has anyone ever measured up on this front?

@BoxOfCats See, not all hope is lost 😉

Have you considered that maybe receiving flowers wasn't the cause of discomfort but rather, receiving them from Mr Eager, who you were not keen on? I used to think I wasn't big on gifts etc, but then I realised I wasn't keen on them as a form of people trying to score points with me. I think if the man is Mr Right, I'd be overjoyed. For example, someone I dearly loved gave me a Christmas present, and I almost teared up.

Mr Nomad does seem rather lovely and I think what adds to the romance is that what he's doing is spontaneous, not for show. E.g. nobody but you will really see if he grabs your hand on a deserted beach.

What's romantic for me? That's a really tough question actually, really made me think!

Suppose it's thought, consideration. For example my best friend and her husband, whenever one is out and sees something the other would like, even as simple as a donut or pair of socks, they'll pick it up for the other and hand it over with something like 'made me think of you, my love'. I'd like that in an LTR, or things like airport pickups even after 10 years, or bringing the other coffee to bed on a Sunday morning.

Which leads me to dating. Think I can tell a difference between a man who is just keeping me warm as option on his rota, and one that really cares for me. Really getting to know me with intention, and showing that is romantic. For example, if I complain I can never get my frying pan clean, showing up with a surprise token gift that's relevant but also very me, e.g. my favourite colour or an inside joke. Remembering what I'm doing during the week, and really engaging with it, e.g. sending me a 'good luck' message before a big occassion. Personally I am also a PDA person, so I'd like the guy to kiss me on a train platform or airport like the rest of the world doesn't exist, instead of going 'you ok mate? come on then'.

In summary, things that say 'I think about you and am interested in you' as opposed to 'I want to have a girlfriend and therefore do generic things someone told me women like'.

Different people have occasionally done things that have measured up, but some have also been cringe.

An old ex used to cook for me and play an instrument after dinner, which in theory was romantic, but we didn't actually have a great mutual rapport, so it just felt... weird. Uncomfortable.

I'd say if the first kiss is good, that really sets things off to a good start. And by that, I mean a little bit theatrical and memorable, a little bit stage managed like the guy has been thinking about the kiss in his head the last 5-10 mins!