Partner refusing to spend time with me without his teenage son

[Slettora]

The situation is I own a small 840sq ft 2 bed flat and a year ago my partners son (15) moved in with us due to his mother moving away. And originally he would stay at my partners parents one work night a week which gave us a breather but my partners dad has heart problems and the teenager has been stressing him out and landed him in a&e recently. So that’s not happening anymore, understandably.

I don’t know how I’m going to hold this relationship together when the only time I spend with my partner is with his son who sits and watches tv with us from dinner time (my partner gets home late) until 10:30 when we all go to sleep. My partner has said he will not ask him to go to his room.

We don’t have a sex life anymore and don’t have any adult time and I’m not sure how this can sustain as a relationship. I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship, so I was hoping someone might be able to give me some of their own experiences of having a relationship with kids. Am I asking too much? My partner seems to think so.

(we sometimes get chunks of time at the weekend for a couple hours when his son sees a friend but that’s rare and my partner usually wants to see his friends at the same time anyway).

I think you need to tell him he'll have to get a place of his own, rather than suggest it.

He's got free accommodation at the moment, so he's never going to do it by choice.

What would you say to a friend in this situation? Read your posts back - it’s so obvious he is massively using you and taking the piss.

He’s using his son to emotionally blackmail you. Yes the son has had a rough time but that’s not your responsibility.

It sounds to me like your p has checked out of the relationship, doesn’t want to spend one on one time with you and is using his ds as a convenient excuse. He can’t even be arsed to take you out for a bit for some couple time?

Also it isn’t “putting you before his son” to send his ds to his room - it’s completely normal for teens to spend a lot of their time in their rooms - again, more excuses.

Its honestly blindingly obvious that he’s taking you for a complete mug.

My own children don't sit around watching TV with me every night. It's OK to need dome space, even from your children.

He doesn’t want to move as he’d be expected to pay more towards his and his son’s living expenses.
He’s really taking the piss OP. You’d be better off if they both moved out.

”He pays for half the energy bill and half the food” No rent, no council tax, no internet ? He’s not paying half the bills at all. CF.

When two worlds collide! The son is just being a normal teenager (quite a nice one actually) but this is a situation where someone wanting to be childfree is faced with the reality of being in a relationship with a parent. It’s a mismatch of priorities and a view of what family life should be. I’m childfree and never dated a parent because I didn’t want to be a de facto parent myself.

OP - you sound lovely and you cannot let your partner dictate what happens in your home. You’ve offered him two possible solutions which he’s poo pooed and so asserting yourself now gets difficult as there are consequences for you too.

But you cannot let him walk all over you. He needs to be reasonable and compromise too.

Would DS spend more time in his room if he had his own TV? Although this is just a red herring; it’s exposed the problem that your DP doesn’t take your feelings into consideration which is what really needs fixing.

Omg get rid. He is completely using you

it’s completely normal for teens to spend a lot of their time in their rooms - again, more excuses.

By choice. I don't think it's normal to send them there.

1. He is cocklodging in your home for the price of some (not all bills) and zero rent.
2. He has now moved his troubled teenager son in - still not paying rent.
3. He doesn’t make time for you or your relationship and prioritises his son, his friends, his personal social life and drawing before time with you.
4. If you mention the lack of relationship and intimacy, he tells you you’re not ‘standing by him’.
5. If you mention him moving out and (frankly standing on his own two feet) he tells you you’re not standing by him.

I could go on, but you see where this is going?

OP you need to stop being so passive and get this utter cock-lodging piss-taker out of your home.

I would be very close to packing up all of their stuff and dropping it at the grandparents during the daytime and changing the locks.

Nor do mine, but they're welcome to when they want.

All his father wants is his son. Which I think can be quite lovely.

Well they can go and be lovely in their own home and spend all the time they want together can’t they?

Disgusting that a man of his age has just sponged off others his whole life and never saved for his own property. You said he works op? What’s stopping him getting a deposit together to rent a flat?

I don’t think it’s normal for a 15yo to sit with his dad and his dads gf every night until bedtime.

To be blunt: Your partner is a manipulative leech and your relationship is dead in the water.
Time for you to turf out the freeloader. Man on his phone all the time, you don’t go on dates and have no sex life? Are you sure he’s not already lining up his next meal ticket?

Your partner needs to move out and find his own place.
His son isn't your responsibility and in my view it's real piss taking expecting you to live like this in your own home.
If it was his flat you were all living in it would be different.
Blokes these days don't seem to have any inclination to take responsibility for their families, he has the responsibility to provide a home for his son. It is not the responsibility of whatever woman he is seeing.
I would have none of it.

No, it's unusual that the teen wants to - and is probably because his mother fucked off and doesn't see him anymore. And now he's living with OP who wishes him elsewhere. 🙄

So what? His mother fucked off so he gets to do whatever the hell he wants all the time (in his dads gf’s house) and can’t be told to go to his room for a bit whilst the op and his dad watch an 18 film? Is that really what you think?

This isn’t the sons fault - the blame lies entirely with his useless father who is clearly using the OP - but sending the ds to his room to play Xbox once or twice a week isn’t going to do him any harm. Sounds to me like the p is using his son as an excuse to avoid alone time with the op.

Bloody hell OP, well if you make him homeless the council will have to house them won't they.
Lived with his parents until 46!!!! I've heard it all now.
Get rid of this freeloading waste of space.

he says if I ask him to leave then I’m not standing by him

But why should you? He's putting himself first. Why shouldn't you put yourself first?

It really hasn't occurred to him that you want him to leave because you're unhappy has it? It's all about him, what he wants, what suits him and so you should stand by him, like a good little woman.

I wouldn't want to make him feel unwelcome, no. Because he's part of the household and particularly vulnerable having been abandoned by one parent.

But it's moot, anyway, because his dad can't be arsed with spending time with OP on her own. If he wanted to, he would.

If there is emotional abuse, which you have recognised. time to tell them to go back to his parents.

Of course he doesn’t want to move out - he’s waaaaay too comfortable at your place. And then you say he uses emotional abuse to shut you down if you try to change things.

It really does sound like a pointless arrangement for you (not even a relationship) so if you really want things to be different, you will need to take a stand. be strong, OP. Because you deserve SO much better than this.

Exactly this.

His son is also 17 so should be capaable enough to be left in his own for prolonged periods/overnights

If your bf had his own place with his son, he'd be able to visit you a few evenings a week and potentially even stay over

Sorry, just seen he's 15 not 17. So maybe not overnights yet, but he could come and visit you for an evening and go home to sleep.
Not every night or his son would feel abandoned but even 15 year olds whose parents are together will be home alone some evenings.

Then overnight stays are only a couple of years away

Hi!

Not in a relationship with kids, but I am a 15 year old like the son + feel that I can offer my two cents, not sure if you'll find it helpful or not but I made an account to share my opinion on this lol

Firstly, I sympathise with the son - he's been thrown from place to place & his mum has up and left. If I was in that situation I'd probably feel like sticking myself to my remaining parental figure too. However, you and your relationship shouldn't have to take the brunt of this living situation. The son isn't your responsibility, and your partner shouldn't be placing that responsibility onto you. At the end of the day it's your home and you're allowed to put your foot down. Not to be insulting or anything, but your partner really does seem like a bit of a loser. I think it's cruel of him to put you in a situation where you're unhappy in your own home. Your partner has a responsibility to uphold your relationship too and stop shoving you off to the side. You're allowing a space in your home for him and his son, you've done more than enough for them.

Housing a child is 100% going to strain a relationship + I honestly feel as if you're caring for two children at the minute. I understand that partner's son is going through a difficult time but your partner should still be putting boundaries in place and saying no to his son. Spending every single evening glued to my parents is not something I'm interested in at all, and if your partner's son managed to send his grandfather to A&E due to stress I have no idea how you can spend full evenings with him 😅 Son should be able to entertain himself in his room for a few hours and give you space to breathe, it's really not difficult lol

At the same time, he's fifteen. I feel as if he's lived long enough to be able to have a sit down with the person who accepted him into their home, and communicate these feelings with him. I'm sure he understands that it's stressful to house three people in a small space, it's a big change. I'm certain you can leave him at home for a few hours to spend time with your partner and he won't be fussed. At least you're not running off and moving away without him, he'll be fine. In terms of intimacy I'm clearly inexperienced !!! but it's rarely going to happen if you're housing a kid. If frequent intimacy is a definitive need/requirement for your relationship then I think your partner should return those feelings and want to spend that time with you when you have the chance. He's being quite unfair running off to spend time with his friends. He's more than welcome to spend time with his friends when his son is at home, those weekends when it's just the two of you should be time reserved for you. Fifteen year olds understand that intimacy is a big part of adult relationships ^^

I reckon that your partner is taking advantage of the fact that you've allowed him and his son to stay in your home and is taking it for granted tbh - he can either get his act together or find someplace else for him and his son. He's an adult and a father and should be able to look after himself instead of relying on his partner for financial help to this extent

Get your stepson a laptop would be my advice. Our teenagers wouldn't watch the TV with their parents under the pain of death. It's needs to be a high powered computer, for about £1k. Once your stepson finds his online community you and your partner will stop to exist 😂

He is counting on you thinking that this situation is better than being single. He’s deluded enough to think he’s a prize.

I promise you, being single is always, always, always, better than being in a crap relationship with a man that doesn’t respect you.

This is almost like cuckooing, where criminals take over a vulnerable persons home. He might not be conducting illegal activity from your flat, but he is taking it over like it’s his and exploiting your vulnerability due to your good nature (and possibly your desire to keep your relationship going).

It’s good that you recognise this is emotional abuse. Give them a month to move out, and mean it.