Partner refusing to spend time with me without his teenage son

[Slettora]

The situation is I own a small 840sq ft 2 bed flat and a year ago my partners son (15) moved in with us due to his mother moving away. And originally he would stay at my partners parents one work night a week which gave us a breather but my partners dad has heart problems and the teenager has been stressing him out and landed him in a&e recently. So that’s not happening anymore, understandably.

I don’t know how I’m going to hold this relationship together when the only time I spend with my partner is with his son who sits and watches tv with us from dinner time (my partner gets home late) until 10:30 when we all go to sleep. My partner has said he will not ask him to go to his room.

We don’t have a sex life anymore and don’t have any adult time and I’m not sure how this can sustain as a relationship. I have never had kids so am used to having plenty of adult time in a relationship, so I was hoping someone might be able to give me some of their own experiences of having a relationship with kids. Am I asking too much? My partner seems to think so.

(we sometimes get chunks of time at the weekend for a couple hours when his son sees a friend but that’s rare and my partner usually wants to see his friends at the same time anyway).

This is appalling OP, what's in it for you?!
You should be calling all the shots it's your home.
Just tell him you want to live on your own from now on.

hanjisung

You sound like a very mature and sensible 15yo!

And is he standing by you, or is does this only work one way? What does he think you are gaining from this arrangement? You don't even get the (dubious) pleasure of his attention.

So what do you expect him to do then? You’ve taken his enjoyment away , then moaning he won’t go sit in his room bored ?

Do you really need to get a 15 year old off to bed?

OP, this bloke thinks you're his mum and that you have a duty to house him & his son. I expect his actual mum is quite glad that you have shouldered the burden & she doesnt have to.
Dont sacrifice yourself for him, he doesnt even want to spend time with you, he's only there because it's a cheap place for him to live and he can pretend he's being a good parent.

What's there to stand by?
No relationship and only misery that he doesn't see.

Throw him out.

it is not working
you are housing them both
you need a free man with no baggage and a clean slate

He's guilt tripping you by saying you need to 'stand by him'. You don't, you're in a very unsatisfying relationship with a man who is using you and adding nothing positive to your life, you don't owe him any loyalty.

I feel very sad for his son, but you can't fix his life, his Dad has to step up and parent him, which includes providing for him, and not by finding a woman to do the providing.

I hope you can get out of this, you deserve a lot more.

You've offered a solution OP which would allow you to have a proper relationship, ie a bigger place for you all, allowing for some intimacy to take place. He doesn't want that! He avoids spending time with you, he doesnt want a relationship, he just wants to use you for a place to live.
For 'standing by him' read 'letting him exploit you and walk all over you'.
I know this must all be hard to hear but please stop letting him use you like this.

And if he was standing by you - instead of taking the piss out of you - he would pay his way and show you the respect you deserve.

With a teenager I'd expect him to be paying 2/3rds of the bills - food, utilities, Internet, and making some contribution to the wear and tear two adult sized men cause.

You know he doesn't want you for you. Only.to provide him a home.

OP, how would you feel if in a couple of years time he says he's saved enough to buy a property and is now leaving?
Five years wasted and having been used.
Are you saving the same amount for your future?

So why do you have to pay for him and his son? What would he have done if you weren't around?

Op, he is totally using you.

Tell this parasite to stand on his own two feet and sling his hook!

The other posters have already given you all the advice you need, but your predicament is so unfair that I felt I wanted to say something.

I appreciate that this is a difficult situation for everyone, but if I was your partner and I really cared for you, I would do my best to compensate for all the times when I can’t spend time alone with you and to thank you for offering my son a home. I would definitely pay 2/3 of bills (plus offered something for rent, as I know I’d have to pay rent if I lived elsewhere) and I would arrange nice surprises for you. And, after only 3 years in a relationship, I would definitely want sex with you so I’d use any opportunity when my son wasn’t at home!

OP, please please have some self respect and set up boundaries. Tell him that your living situation is a bit too intense for you and ask him to move to his parents with his son ‘’temporarily’’. You can then have lovely date nights, you can spend time with his son occasionally and you can also have ‘me time’. Best of both worlds. If he gets upset by the request and breaks up with your feigning feeling insulted, then that’s your proof that he doesn’t love you and was just using you.

please don’t allow this to continue! You are allowed to feel sorry for the poor boy but he is not your responsibility. It’s one thing to enter into a relationship with a man with children knowing that you’d never be a priority, and another to change your life completely and be the only one in the relationship making compromises.

This!

Sounds like it's time to tell them both to ""GTF"!

Moving would be disruptive my arse, he doesn’t want to be expected to pay towards rent if you move. Right now he should be paying 66% of bills and food but he’s only paying 50% and you wonder why he doesn’t want to abandon his current deal.

Op, it’s economics, your relationship and your feelings don’t come into it.

He saw you coming a mile off.

When he says you are not standing by me (if you ask him to move out), get him to detail how he has stood by you? What exactly has he done for you to make the relationship work and support you. You’ve mot mentioned it but presumably having his son in your other bedroom means you can never have family or friends to stay? Was it your guest room previously?

“Not standing by him” that’s ridiculous. Tell him by NOT leaving he isn’t standing by you. That makes as much sense as his statement.

You need your own space and father and son need their own space.

It isn’t working, your house isn’t your own and you can’t have any time to yourself - all for a man who is bringing nothing into the relationship himself.

You have to end it. I wonder if he is saving and planning on going, but using you for cheap accommodation so he can get a better mortgage when he leaves.

No you are not asking too much. The only way things are going to get better for you is if your partner agrees to make the necessary changes and he clearly isn’t going to do that.

He should not be calling the shots and deciding how you will live in your own home.

Also, he should be covering all the costs of you having two additional people living in your home. He should be paying two thirds, not half.

You sound like a lovely, caring person who is being royally taken advantage of. He has been able to squirrel away money for his son because you have been housing them. He needs to use those savings to for separate accommodation for them.

I think when that happens you will find yourself single. That might not be what you want right now but at least then you will be able to live how you choose and hopefully find someone who wants you as a partner and will want to spend time with you rather than a man who sees you as the vehicle that enables him to raise his son how he wants regardless of anyone else and as cheaply as possible.

So he’s paying half the bills and yet there’s 3 of you!!! He should be paying all the bills as he’s living rent free! I’m sorry but he’s taking you for a mug. If he had any real interest in your relationship he’d want a sex life at least and he’d want to put you first sometimes. Get rid of him.

That's not your problem. Has he ever lived on his own?

Well he isn't standing by you is he?

You must feel so used, he's paying fuck all, doing fuck all and you have no time to yourself.

He needs to get his own place or go back to his parents.

So what?! Why should you stand by them? Stand up for yourself and put yourself first! It says it all when you are never alone together and then the first opportunity you can be, he is then out with his friends. His parents had definitely got sick of them, so he found a lovely woman with a lovely flat. How long after you meeting did he move in with you?

So, OP, you have taken up with a man who lived with his parents into his forties. He and his son now live with you, and you effectively subsidise his son, if he only contributes half towards food and bills. You have no private life whatsoever with this man, who is too proud to ask his ex for any contributions towards his child, but is quite happy for you to fork out. You have no meaningful relationship with this man, who chooses to spend what little free time you have drawing or gaming. OP, what on earth are you getting out of this relationship? You have no children, but have to put up with someone else’s teenager. You can’t even choose what to watch on telly in your own home. Sorry, but it’s time for this drone to leave, and to take his son with him. Otherwise, he and the son will both be living with you until the son’s in his forties….