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Original poster

Wife no longer interested in intimacy

351 replies

Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 11:25

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

OP posts:
SoScarletItWas · 03/02/2025 11:27

You can end a relationship for any reason. Neither of you is wrong; you’re just not compatible in this area.

What do you want from this thread?

Paradoes · 03/02/2025 11:29

I wouldn’t stay either and I am seven years older than your wife, work hard and run and clean the home & still have intimacy

she sounds pretty boring to be honest and spoilt

ChonkyRabbit · 03/02/2025 11:31

Leave then. It'd probably be a huge relief for her.

NotthinglikeaBondGirl · 03/02/2025 11:36

I think if my DH said something along the lines of 'it's been a month since we last had sex so come on then' any interest that I had would shrivel, It's not exactly romantic is it? It's rather like suggesting that she has a duty to provide sex.

Do you kiss & cuddle her just because rather than only when you want to initiate sex? How often do you tell her how much you love her, how attractive you find her, what you appreciate about her - she's a good mum, she's got certain talents etc?

FrankoferrisWheelieBin · 03/02/2025 11:37

It sounds like leaving is the best option as she isn't physically attracted anymore which is my guess based on everything there... children being older, no medical issue, comfortable lifestyle...
Get legal advice on divorce and know where you stand.

FrankoferrisWheelieBin · 03/02/2025 11:40

Or.....accept celibacy/rare sex until children are older.. however, do you think you could a. Not argue about it and b. Stay faithful? If no to either then leaving is best i think.

Dror · 03/02/2025 11:41

Did you have a question/what do you want from the thread?

Divorce if you want 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 11:42

NotthinglikeaBondGirl · 03/02/2025 11:36

I think if my DH said something along the lines of 'it's been a month since we last had sex so come on then' any interest that I had would shrivel, It's not exactly romantic is it? It's rather like suggesting that she has a duty to provide sex.

Do you kiss & cuddle her just because rather than only when you want to initiate sex? How often do you tell her how much you love her, how attractive you find her, what you appreciate about her - she's a good mum, she's got certain talents etc?

Yes of course we cuddle (kissing no as she doesnt like it) every night, we watch a lot of tv together & regularly go out to do nice things alone.

She is a good mother yes & the same as me being a good dad

OP posts:
Original poster
Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 11:44

FrankoferrisWheelieBin · 03/02/2025 11:40

Or.....accept celibacy/rare sex until children are older.. however, do you think you could a. Not argue about it and b. Stay faithful? If no to either then leaving is best i think.

Celibacy is unacceptable, thats just a friendship not a marriage.

the reason i have tolerated so long is due to the children

OP posts:
Dror · 03/02/2025 11:45

Ok.

NotthinglikeaBondGirl · 03/02/2025 11:45

There's no 'of course' we cuddle - I've lost count of the number of friends who have commented that their husbands only bring them flowers &/or start cuddling them when they want sex.

MightyGoldBear · 03/02/2025 11:45

How's your emotional intimacy and connection?

It reads as if you're just frustrated with her and can't possible understand why she won't have more sex with you when you want it. It reads as almost contempt for your partner.

Rather than someone who is heartbroken they are potentially sexually incompatible and may have to leave after trying all they can.

Have you both individually or together tried any therapy? A sex therapist will actually suggest you take sex off the table completely for a while to work in the foundations.

NeedsMustNet · 03/02/2025 11:46

I’d suggest you go to counselling first, if only to have a platform where you can share your differing views freely and then - if you still are wedded to your opposing sides - cleanly agree how to separate and divide.
Am sure you will have tried the usual date nights, nights away etc..
One question, however - do you think she would want to see someone else, while you are married? The fact she is suggesting you do makes me wonder if she is projecting her wish onto you. Would a more open r’ship - for the sake of keeping what you value about your r’ship together, while also meeting your own emotional and physical needs too, and potentially the same for her - be something you could ever consider or have done?

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 11:48

How much reading up have you done on this? Can you mention any of the podcasts, or books, or interesting YouTube channels you watch or listen to or read around the subject of maintaining sexual intimacy in a long term relationship?

Or do you just get the hump every month because you're receptacle isn't working as you feel you deserve it to?

FrankoferrisWheelieBin · 03/02/2025 11:50

Yes it's interesting she's said see someone else. It sounds like she is with you for the family unit and lifestyle.

username299 · 03/02/2025 11:51

She's made it very clear that sex is a chore, she even told you to find a lover.

There's no way in hell I'd want sex with someone unwilling, so you have a choice between celibacy or leaving.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 03/02/2025 11:54

username299 · 03/02/2025 11:51

She's made it very clear that sex is a chore, she even told you to find a lover.

There's no way in hell I'd want sex with someone unwilling, so you have a choice between celibacy or leaving.

Yes. You're unhappy with the status quo and there doesn't seem any sign that it will change. Probably best to leave, or to consider staying married but with a sexual partner elsewhere, if you are sure your wife literally means that she'd support you in doing that - it may have been a figure of speech.

Original poster
Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 11:56

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 11:48

How much reading up have you done on this? Can you mention any of the podcasts, or books, or interesting YouTube channels you watch or listen to or read around the subject of maintaining sexual intimacy in a long term relationship?

Or do you just get the hump every month because you're receptacle isn't working as you feel you deserve it to?

Get the hump every month

what a ridiculous thing to say

highlighting frustrations and grievances is the sensible thing to do, batting them off and ignoring them is the naive thing to do.

my reading is extensive on both the male & female sides. Quoting the sources is irrelevant to the conversation

OP posts:
Muthaofcats · 03/02/2025 11:58

ugh I can see why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you just from the way you are describing it.

You make it sound like this weird transactional ‘thing’ you can demand or dictate the frequency of what is normal or abnormal. It sounds like a service she is expected to provide, you even list the domestic set up to suggest that she has no excuse not to want to.

women require intimacy. If they don’t feel this connection or interest then it kills their interest in physical connection. If they feel sex is just another job they’re required to do, or in any way transactional, it just kills any sense of enjoyment and builds a huge amount of pressure and resentment.

Your approach sounds pretty petulant: ‘it’s unfair!’ And only concerned with your own needs rather than her experience. Ultimately if you aren’t getting what you want out of the relationship and can’t find a way through it then you have a right to leave; but of course you’ll be putting your need for sex above your children and their right to a stable family home. That’s up to you.
I suspect she doesn’t really enjoy sex with you any more but has been putting your children first, because that’s more of a priority to her than her own needs.

ChonkyRabbit · 03/02/2025 11:58

highlighting frustrations and grievances is the sensible thing to do

Yeah, so sensible to have the same argument every month for 10 years.

She doesn't want to have sex with you. That isn't going to change now.

Original poster
Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 11:58

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 03/02/2025 11:54

Yes. You're unhappy with the status quo and there doesn't seem any sign that it will change. Probably best to leave, or to consider staying married but with a sexual partner elsewhere, if you are sure your wife literally means that she'd support you in doing that - it may have been a figure of speech.

Show quote history

100% a figure of speech, she would be devastated really. Its her using the term in a threatening way knowing i wouldnt.

OP posts:
fc123 · 03/02/2025 11:59

MightyGoldBear · 03/02/2025 11:45

How's your emotional intimacy and connection?

It reads as if you're just frustrated with her and can't possible understand why she won't have more sex with you when you want it. It reads as almost contempt for your partner.

Rather than someone who is heartbroken they are potentially sexually incompatible and may have to leave after trying all they can.

Have you both individually or together tried any therapy? A sex therapist will actually suggest you take sex off the table completely for a while to work in the foundations.

This

She doesn't desire you.
You don't turn her on (in the lead up, not when it's started) and that could be for a multitude of reasons.

For us, much of our desire for another comes from our brain whether consciously or subconsciously.

Maybe she has a lover herself during the week and has divided herself into 2 selves?
Wife/ mother and Goddess.

I dont have an answer (sorry!) but I do recall my exh whinging and huffing and puffing if we hadn't DTD for a week/10 days. Such a turn off.
Instead he could have tried to 'woo' me a bit with small kind gestures?

You may find reading some Esther Perel Mating on Captivity helpful.
This thread is also interesting
… for married couples, to ask what age you stopped having sex? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5265698-for-married-couples-to-ask-what-age-you-stopped-having-sex

OldChairMan · 03/02/2025 12:01

You really do sound like you think you are entitled to sex at a frequency that you think is reasonable, because you are married.

You even refer to her using hormones etc as an "excuse" for not wanting to have sex with you. No one needs an excuse to not have sex.

We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded it's been over a month without and it's not fair.

JFC, listen to yourself. You sound like a child whining at his mum. I can't think of anything less sexy.

Leave. Meanwhile stop pestering her. It's not the sexual frequency you want or expected, but that's life. You don't always get what you feel is your due.

Goldfsh · 03/02/2025 12:01

NeedsMustNet · 03/02/2025 11:46

I’d suggest you go to counselling first, if only to have a platform where you can share your differing views freely and then - if you still are wedded to your opposing sides - cleanly agree how to separate and divide.
Am sure you will have tried the usual date nights, nights away etc..
One question, however - do you think she would want to see someone else, while you are married? The fact she is suggesting you do makes me wonder if she is projecting her wish onto you. Would a more open r’ship - for the sake of keeping what you value about your r’ship together, while also meeting your own emotional and physical needs too, and potentially the same for her - be something you could ever consider or have done?

I think this is excellent advice.

Muthaofcats · 03/02/2025 12:01

NotthinglikeaBondGirl · 03/02/2025 11:45

There's no 'of course' we cuddle - I've lost count of the number of friends who have commented that their husbands only bring them flowers &/or start cuddling them when they want sex.

Edited

Yes - it doesn’t count if the attention is only as a precursor to sex, otherwise zero affection or care just for the sake of expressing it.
women can smell this from a mile off and is an immediate passion killer because again, it just erodes all intimacy if men approach sex as a transaction.