Wife no longer interested in intimacy

[Parker1984]

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

I felt this way toward my exh. He was using me as his personal house keeper and treating me like shit as well as taking drugs and drinking. I was happy to have sex when he was being nice and civil and an equal partner, he was repulsive in the circumstances above. I'm not saying you're like that but I'll bet there's something putting her off so she needs to be honest and you need to decide if you need to change or want to.

Let me rephrase that for you as you didn't care for get the hump, let's call it highlighting frustrations and grievances. Better?

Interestingly, despite your extensive reading on both the male and the female sides, whatever that means, it is you that seems naive regarding the issue that you've got with intimacy with your wife.

However if you've got all the answers, and fully understand your issue, what are you asking for here? Maybe I've misunderstood.

All the things you have described i am not.

she is not a housekeeper, i do not drink, i do not do drugs.

i am a good dad with a high profile job that provides an amazing lifestyle.

i can understand your above situation and sympathise for you.

Get it elsewhere or leave. She's laid her stall, so the rest is up to you.

People are being weird here. It's normal to want to have sex more than once a month when you're married.

If you've spoken to your wife about this and she's not willing to work towards more intimacy, then you should leave. It sounds like it's becoming a deal-breaker for you.

She has either gone off sex itself or gone off sex with you specifically. Maybe she has good reason maybe she doesn't, only she knows. You want regular sex which is fair enough, but you can't expect her to do it if she really doesn't want to, that's not an option. You are too young to be celibate for no good reason, your options are to leave, or stay in the marriage and find sex elsewhere.

She's no longer sexually attracted to you or she is feeling very low about herself, perhaps both.

Leaving her might be a blessing for you both.

Are you sure it would be a huge relief for her? She'd probably have to give up her nice lifestyle and go back to work full-time.

Having read the OP's posts, yes. I'm quite sure.

@Parker1984 you've just deflected all responsibility here. I gave an example of what my situation was, I appreciate your sympathy but I did leave 3 years ago, to help you understand the general mindset of a wife who goes off sex. You're basing this on your opinion of how great you are at being a husband but that's subjective. My husband would have said exactly the same as you, couldn't see how his behaviour impacted on my libido because he worked and provided for the family and thought that was enough. My next relationship turned me into an absolute nympho, confirmed it wasn't a me issue. You need to speak to your wife and find out the truth of why she feels this way. You may not agree and you may not want to change, but then you have your answer that compatibility is gone and it's time to move on.

Lack of interest after a lengthy 20 year relationship could be an indicator that the other person doesn't enjoy the sex? etc.
Self reflect and ask yourself whether she genuinely enjoys the sex or its just done to tick that monthly ritual box. 20 years of the same unfulfilled sex is enough to cause apathy.

It doesn't sound like she actually likes you. Simply staying because she enjoys her life most of the time, except this 3 weekly chore. She won't be alone in staying in the marriage 'for the kids' as you are.

What are her interests? What do you non-kid related conversations typically sound like? How much time do you both separately spend on hobbies or with friends?

What? The part where he suggests having sex more than once a month? And she tells him to go find it somewhere else?

When I wasn't having sex with my sex pest DH I was having it with another man.

My DH would sulk, whinge, moan point out how many days since the last time, put me off beyond belief, when we did have sex he would be demanding and then get all carried away and start getting excited and bringing more kink into our marriage. Essentially called me boring.

I'm sure your wife is simply tired and fed up of having pressure on her..

So many leave?

Tbh if i fancied my husband id still jump his bone but sometimes you go off the person even if they are objectively attractive it's like an ick.

That meant to say "so just leave"

Well most women don't want sex after a certain age...it's just not really talked about. So we end up alone or with a sulking husband. That's evolutionary biology for you.

You could find someone a bit younger and wait for the same thing to happen again once she reaches menopause. Then you'll need to swap her again.

See i dont think she went off of him because he discusses their sex life i think she went off of him before maybe even during the pregnancy of the second child or before it if she was just trying to give the first a sibling. Sorry op.

I don't think that's how it played out in real life, Darling, can we have a shag more than once a month? No way, go and find it elsewhere.

That's being very simplistic about a topic which is actually really complex.

The original post was a statement, OP didn’t ask for advice or have a specific question.
OP it reads like you don’t like your wife, and you aren’t enjoying being married to her, so divorce and raise your kids 50% of the time. You can start the divorce online.

He’s not celibate for no good reason. They are having sex every 3 weeks….so by that fact not celibate

from a women’s POV i was once told if “things” are not ok downstairs they are never going to be ok upstairs, in other words put sex off the cards for the foreseeable (maybe months) try just talking / wining & dining / activity together / flowers / massage (no sex unless she initiates) / new hobby together… your wife needs to see that you do not just view her as a sex object… if you try these things and still feel you are in the same situation (could take up to a year) then it may be time to call it a day in your marriage but at least this way you can say you have tried … you may just have to resort to a five knuckle shuffle for a bit …. good luck for wanting to make it work and not resorting to an affair … your wife deserves your honesty 🍀

There are sugar babies happy to be a side piece. There is even a website 😌

Are you the OP? I don't think he needs someone white knighting for him.