Wife no longer interested in intimacy

[Parker1984]

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

As somebody who's in a similar situation but on the other side of it I thought my insight might help.

I love my OH. We have two kids together the youngest is 4.

We have had the same argument approximately every 3-6 months for nearly 2 years now because he "needs sex to feel loved and wanted". Which in my head is nonsense because I do 100 things a day to show him he's loved and wanted.

I don't need sex, i enjoy it with him, I am attracted to him, I love him and our life together but I also don't have the energy for it most nights because by the time the kids are sorted and in bed I've not stopped for 12 hours all day. He makes Very little effort to make me feel wanted or loved and yet I'm expected to put out based on his... I dunno... sex clock?!

You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. That's it, that's all you have to do.

If it is then leave because it's probably not gonna get any better if that's the case. If it's not then have the conversation with your wife again but then listen to what she's saying. I get the sense that maybe you're just seeing it from your side of things and not appreciating that there are people in a relationship. It's my understanding that reduced sex is just a common side effect of being together for a long time and having busy lives with kids etc... but a relationship is more than just sex and a relationship without sex is not just a friendship. You said you are having sex it's just not frequent enough. 1-2 per week is probably unreasonable expectation and I think having an expectation at all, a number and a timeline is the problem.

As from my experience the pressure of feeling the need to put out a certain number of times so me and my OH don't argue about sex is like the number one reason we probably don't have it so much. It's exhausting and an immediate turn off for me.

I'm sure there's more to it than just your post but I'm working with what I've got.

Two people in a relationship it's meant to say

Communicate!

my DH only ever shows affection lying in bed and it’s awful. He just goes in for groping my breasts at any opportunity because it’s a “comfort” to HIM.

He also has a thing for groping my stomach. I hate having my stomach touched, in any situation ever. I always have and I find it incredibly upsetting, but he will do it over and over again because to him it’s a comfort.

He’s not seen a dentist for 15 years so kissing doesn’t happen any more. He has a very stressful manual job so his nails are always filthy and he doesn’t ever shower, he only bathes and he’s never properly clean. He’s always highly stressed which means he has suffered with ED for many years. I have to clean the bath and the toilet after him like I’m his mum, and no one finds that attractive! We never have money and are always worried about finances.

But I can’t ever say anything to him because he’s so sensitive and he sulks or he yells! I just deal with it to keep the peace, and keep the family together. He doesn’t really have anyone else and it’s a very sad situation.

my point is, if you’re doing things that may mean she’s not turned on by it, then you have to be willing to change, otherwise she may have built up resentment towards you. You need to communicate! Don’t hold it in and make sure she doesn’t either. Believe me, It’s a horrible place to be.

It is not a sexless relationship "for him" or for her, when they are having sex apparently every three weeks.

If I do anything out of choice once every three weeks, I'm reasonably interested in it, or I'm doing it out of duty. Maybe that's what OP senses, that she's duty shagging him every couple of weeks to prevent the biannual meltdown about the sexless marriage.

The issue is a lack of connection. The answer is to work out how to improve the connection. That's something that can definitely be worked on but it needs the ability to self reflect. But OP doesn't want to hear it, because he pays for a big house, what more does she want? She doesn't know she's born, it's the least she could do, spread her legs gratefully when he clicks his fingers, she doesn't even have to do any cleaning! As for the constant stream of bouquets from the wild flower meadow... She should be gagging for it.

Yawn.

We have had the same argument approximately every 3-6 months for nearly 2 years now because he "needs sex to feel loved and wanted". Which in my head is nonsense because I do 100 things a day to show him he's loved and wanted.

I hear this a lot ... "sex is what bonds us. Men and women often don't have the same interests, sex bonds us." And whilst I agree that within a couple, it does help bonding and closeness.... I'm like you @booklovingmum, I think surely there has to be more to it?

The more of these threads I read, the more convinced I become that men are literally only in it for sex. Nothing else matters. Not a fucking thing.

oof I'm really sorry about that. Honestly, it sounds like it could be worth communicating with your partner about this - or if he's not open to chatting, honestly maybe leave. He doesn't sound like a nice partner, and I'm especially disturbed by the fact that he touches your stomach when he knows you hate it. It might seem like a 'small' thing, but actually he should really care about your physical boundaries, and care about your comfort.

A common definition is a sex less than 10 times per year.
This couple are nearly there now.
It is for all intents and purposes a dead bedroom.

What makes the situation even worse is he's 40 and she's 43, hardly pensionable age for having a satisfying sexual relationship within the confines of marriage.

The issue is a lack of connection. The answer is to work out how to improve the connection. That's something that can definitely be worked on but it needs the ability to self reflect. But OP doesn't want to hear it, because he pays for a big house, what more does she want? She doesn't know she's born, it's the least she could do, spread her legs gratefully when he clicks his fingers, she doesn't even have to do any cleaning! As for the constant stream of bouquets from the wild flower meadow... She should be gagging for it.

Exactly. They don't want connection. They'll say they do, but they don't. They say "I provide X, Y and Z for her" but they haven't. If they were truly honest, they would tell you they don't want all the other stuff that comes with a relationship - like taking an interest in your OH outside of the bedroom. Now, someone will turn round and say "they're doing these things for you, the least you could do is have sex with him". The problem is, they aren't doing these things for us/women, they're doing it for themselves - so that we feel obliged to have sex with them.

Every 3 weeks is roughly 17 times a year, so no, not near the 10 times you state.

It might surprise you that some have sex 17 times per month or week. It's hardly the sex life of the year, is it? @40 yrs old. Sex isn't a priority for this woman that much is obvious. The sex has declined, and it perfectly fits the broad definition of a dead bedroom. All the signs are there.

I am 100 percent confident that the number of couples having sex 17 times a year wildly outweighs those having sex 17 times a month, especially at a time of life where women start going through perimenopause.

Yet the average in this age group is up to 70 times per year. So the op is well below average.
I used an absurdum example deliberately as a gesture to suggest those supporting a poor sex life in marriage in this age group are not speaking for the majority.

I think when chucking numbers about it's best to be fairly sure they're at least reasonably correct.

Well your absurd example wasn’t really helpful if the average is “up to” 5-6 times a month (I wonder how much heavy lifting the words “up to” are doing) and the OP is having it 1-2 times a month. Yes, there’s a difference but it is not enormous and could reflect a huge number of factors.

So people who say 1-2 times a month is not that unusual are speaking for a larger group people than anyone advocating 17 times a month or what I suspect is an entirely mythical group of non-sex-worker people having sex 17 times a week.

I fully accept that I’ve made my bed, as it were. Lots of reasons why I’d not be able to leave but it’s ok. I am able to live with it all and it’s fine!

Although it’s all complex in my situation, I would just never want anyone to ever make the shit life choices I did and absolutely communicate with their partner and always, ALWAYS be able to have room for s plan B if things just weren’t able to be reconciled.

You're pressuring her at the pint of peri menopause. How attractive

I would suggest hormones could v much be the reason here. Just because her hormones are normal for a woman of her age doesnt mean her oestrogen and progesterone isnt falling a cliff. Perhaps she should give hrt a go?

It's about as helpful as the hordes clambering to reinforce the idea that sex more than once per month in this age group is an aberration.
Sex once per month and sex 3-4 times per week are less than 10%.
Mumsnet has some peculiarities which are not universal-the commentary on sex is one of them. Mumsnet also doesn't like sex that lasts more than 3 mins.😂

It's a typical Mumsnet trope from those who don't like sex. A woman receives different advice and answers. Fact.

lol, I don’t know if you mean me when you say “Mumsnet” but I assure you I’m a big fan of sex, including sex that lasts more than three minutes. Does that somehow make my opinions valid now?

I look out for these threads as I'm fascinated by them. There's definitely a repeated structure that goes something like this.

Man asks for advice.

In replies man is subjected to the Housework Test, the Supportive Husband Test and (a new one on this thread) the Personal Hygiene Test. And there are various waspish replies besides. The logic behind this is that if a man meets a minimum standard of decency he wouldn't be asking the question or wouldn't have a problem so it must be his fault.

Man gives a defensive reply. Response to that is see! see! I told you so!

Man then realises he's being set up as an Aunt Sally and clears off.

High fives are exchanged.

I also like reading the ick threads and counting the number of icks I've committed.

The replies make me sad. My DW and I show each other love in the way the other wants. We both think that's very important. Whether it involves sex isn't entirely the point though separating sex off is problematic. DW is peri and isn't on HRT. it's made no difference: we adapt to her changing body and both expect have a lot of fun for years to come

You're like the david attenborough of mumsnet 🙄 none of the defensiveness is going to get him laid by his wife though, he really DOES need to do some honest self reflection on whether she's a sex vending machine and if he puts enough money and wildflowers in, she will dispense.

@Parker1984

Imagine the sexual intimacy your wife desires is pegging.

Now. Why aren't you doing that for her twice a week?

Because by your standards that's her reasonable expectation and entitlement.

With you being ungrateful because her wage means you only have to work three days a week, so where's your showing gratitude for that hey? You've got it so easy why can't you just get on with what she sexually wants?

How would you view her for behaving like that?

It's not quite the gotcha you think it is.

If a relationship started with full sexual enthusiasm from both parties and then stopped because one person decided they were done, that's quite different from someone suddenly introducing a new proclivity that was never in the relationship before.

One is moving the goalposts. The other is a whole different sport.

Or she could look into ways of boosting her libido eg HRT.

Or he could accept she no longer wants a full relationship and leave. Which she may not want

Stalemate.

In both cases it's feeling pressured into performing a sex act they don't want to do, because their partner constantly brings it up and causes arguments.

It matters not whether it was acceptable the "last time". It's not now.