Wife no longer interested in intimacy

[Parker1984]

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

Your entitled to expect sex within a marriage because that's the flip side of a fidelity commitment. Exactly how much is up to both of you. Neither of you seem happy with the existing arrangements so really it comes down to whether you put up with it or leave. Ignore her suggestion to get a piece on the side. That's a recipe for disaster.

Life’s too short ,if this cannot be resolved then separate

I have no desire to see anyone else

This is also an assumption that that’s what is going on for her. Perhaps she does have a sex drive but doesn’t feel the emotional connection or intimacy from her husband to want to have sex with him.
My husband has commented a few times that I don’t like sex any more or have a sex drive; my sex drive is fine! I just find it very hard to go from zero interest or emotional connection / complete contempt to then an expectation of sex without any of my other needs being met. I appreciate men don’t seem to need to join the dots like women do; but I can’t have sex with someone who earlier that day or week was calling me names or being generally shit or not pulling their weight.

I think assuming women just don’t have a sex drive is the easy option for men because it’s less damaging to their ego than the possibility he may not be behaving in a very appealing way.

The problem men have is that save for paying for sex (where that woman doesn’t want you either), all women will require emotional intimacy and connection in some form, so you can try to change up your wife for a newer model but without confronting this issue in yourself, will end up in the same boat later down the line.

Gosh, I’m glad I’m single.

OP, do you want her to want to have sex with you or is it ok with you if she's doesn't really want to, but has it anyway to get you off her case?

Does she enjoy sex when you do have it?

I have no desire to see anyone else

You don't seem to be considering the possibility at all that maybe she does. And it's not just up to you, what you want and expect, and whether you're a reasonable guy or not.

You are only acknowledging and responding to posters who confirm your opinion that you're a great guy and that's all that matters.

Do you think she realises how important this is to you?

Many people, women and men, wouldn't want a non sexual marriage at your ages. In cases where men have ED, they are told by MN the men have a responsibility to take action as otherwise it's unfair.

I doubt your wife will dramatically change so the decision is what you do. Divorcing isn't a great solution but is there an alternative?

I would however ask hour wife if she feels attraction to anyone or is it specifically you? Maybe tough to hear but the truth might set you free.

Op has she gone off sex completely? That is what I would ask her. Ie does she no desire at all. So doesn’t masturbate or get turned on by anything. If that is the case I would ask ‘Does it annoy her that she doesn’t get turned on?’. How does she feel about it?

HRT may help if she has no libido. Hormone checks are very unlikely to show that anything is wrong and at 44 peri is likely. Testosterone would be an option if lack of libido is an issue and she is unhappy about the lack of libido.

So I would talk to her. Gottmans books are excellent. His Dates book is worth a read and then do the exercises on the dates.

Some resources are quick to say ‘oh you must not turn her on anymore’ but it may be that nothing turns her on. So never assume.

From our previous conversations about that yes she does enjoy it once doing it just doesnt have a desire to start.

this is not a recent thing but a recurrent issue over the last 10 years.

i also understand its not her fault but i just want to know my expectations are not out of the ordinary.

all the stuff above, i am not an unattractive guy, my hygiene is good & always smell nice.
i am slightly obsessive about my garden lawns & greenhouses but thats about as bad as it gets.

Not at all, i also think if she did want that she would go. She would leave with a large amount of assets and would live a very comfortable life BUT she hasn’t left or ever indicated she wants to

I'm always curious when men post here out of the blue with no posting history to complain about their unreasonable wives.

Why post on a female-dominated forum? I used to think they were looking for a female perspective but mostly they seem to be just looking for validation. I often wonder if they plan to show the answers to their wives in a sort of 'gotcha' fashion.

@Parker1984 many things could be happening here. If I had to guess I would say your wife is either not sexually attracted to you or finds sex unfulfilling. Do you flirt with her? Every day? Does sex include things that she finds pleasurable or is it very focused on penis-in-vagina sex or the lead up to that?

As a woman, I worry a bit about this happening in my marriage, ie my husband going off sex. I know he can be complacent and a bit lazy and in the past we’ve gone through dry spells and I’ve been the one to address it because he’ll just let things slide. Sex is important to me and our relationship is better when we have the type of intimacy you can only have with a long term partner, not just managing children and a home together.

Anyway. My advice is to talk to her. Be as open and honest as possible. Explain how sex is important to you and you love being intimate with her. Ask her what you can do that might help her feel ready for intimacy. Tell her how attracted to her you are and ask her whether she’s still attracted to you. You may not want to hear the answer to those questions, but you need to know if you’re contributing to her lack of libido and if you can or want to fix that.

Things might improve from there or it may continue. If it were me, I would then be saying that I could not remain in a sexless relationship. I couldn’t leave my children, so I would ask permission to find sex outside of the marriage, with a view to ending the marriage when the youngest is 17 or 18. Some might say this looks like bribery, but if it were to reach the point I had to say this the sexual relationship is beyond salvage.

OP I can tell by the way you’re answering these posts (and picking and choosing which you respond to) that you just don’t get it.
You keep referring to what a catch you are - women’s desire to have sex is not about whether their husband is clean (that should be a given), it’s about intimacy and you meeting her needs outside of the bedroom. You aren’t engaging with this aspect at all and I wonder if this is the issue, if you can’t do it here, are you doing this with your wife ? Do you know how?

Oh my gosh same here in bucketloads. He’s stroppy or rude or call me names and then wants sex a few hours later and can’t understand why I’m not turned on by his awful behaviour. It’s like he has the memory of a goldfish

You are definetly cherry picking your responses here.

@Parker1984 providing an amazing lifestyle is not money in the bank against someone wanting sex - just means they are often less likely to be in a rush to leave. The fact is it's a whole range of factors - many women do go off sex after having children - I certainly did and it never really came back in either of my marriages - I can't say why , it was just something that 'was' - I'm 63 now and have seen it with lots of my friends, many who are only 40 odd. my second husband I went off it totally after a disloyal thing he did - not an affair as such but something unkind and disloyal - I also totally got the ick at all the secretive porn multiple times a week behind my back - he didn't know I knew but I did. It can be the way someone moans lot, someone who interrupts you all the time with something about them, someone pissing off cycling or golf all the time but begrudging the wife any solo time, someone who has no compromise and makes you feel like an accessory - someone who gets a beer gut and does no exercise, - it can be a whole range of seemingly small stuff that kills any desire for sex and nothing to do with housework or not earning enough etc!! The thing to realise is many men think the grass will be greener and indeed it might be but very often it just repeats the pattern , new woman is keen, often a bit younger, 3 years down the line, she feels the same and he realises he actually is in the same position- it's a risk you take - you can never predict future behaviour. It might be worth having an honest conversation about this but make it clear it's not pressure- you just want to know if it's about you or about sex in general and then decide your future - I had that conversation and I was very open that I simply didn't want sex anymore and would rather be single than pressured.

@Muthaofcats you are bang on the money. It's blazing obvious why his wife doesn't want to shag him to everyone except Mr perfect here himself. OP I guarantee you something is pissing her off about you, take that advice and act on it - or don't.

If you go back and read the OP you will see his wife has told him to get it elsewhere, so take it up with her first 🙄😒.

'it's not fair'

Gross

I get told if i dont like it find someone else

She sounds like a right charmer

This is a tale as old as time. As soon as the necessary commitments are made, houses are bought, children are had, the woman's sex drive goes out the window. Why should she carry on having sex with you? It's not like you're going anywhere!

You seem to have made it clear to her how miserable it makes you, but she doesn't care. I think a previous poster's comment that she doesn't want to give up the lifestyle and the family unit is bang on the money.

You seem to be having the same conversations with her month in, month out. Is she hoping that you wake up one day and your sex drive is gone? Or ED kicks in?

This is Mumsnet, of course people here think that a quality sex life is the man's responsibility alone, and the only reason it hasn't happened in a decade is because you haven't quite made the stars align in the right way.

Heaven forbid the woman think about what would work for her and communicate that directly to you!

Maybe she's got the famous "ick". This is of course absolutely fine, but what's NOT fine is not telling you that, and instead just low-key denying you sex.

Realise that no amount of "helping more around the house"™ than you've already been doing is going to help you. I think your only option is voting with your feet, which I'll bet she doesn't for a minute think you'd actually dream of doing.

Perhaps making some initial steps would show her that you're serious. Solicitor appointment? House valuation?

Good luck OP.

I don't think you can put this to a general poll of 'are my expectations for sex with my wife unreasonable' because it's quite a deeply personal thing, so everyone's desires, experiences and expectations are different.
Some people will validate your expectations - but does that really matter is those people aren't your wife?
Have you considered researching a relationship therapist, maybe there are some who specialise in intimacy.
I think suggesting couples therapy might be a good starting point.
There's obviously a disconnect between you both and you haven't said anything that makes it seem like you have an open line of communication about this topic.
It's also very difficult to give a fair assessment of your expectations based solely on your view of your relationship situation because we rarely see ourselves entirely clearly and as others have said, there could easily be things in your behaviour that might be off putting for her, that she might not feel comfortable talking to you about.
I think without opening an honest line of communication about this and being willing to accept what she might say and look at the potential that you might be having an impact on the situation and being prepared to make changes if necessary and compromise to find a solution that works for you both; I just don't know how you'll move forward.
You both need to be willing to be able to have the conversations though whether in therapy or not, but unfortunately you can't force someone into that either.

You sound like an awful lot of middle age men TBH! Men and women are very different ,even though we are constantly told the opposite! Most women in their 40s with DC and a job /home to run feel tired both physically and mentally.Often just not in the "headspace" for sex.Constantly worried whether the kids will hear,whether they got some apples.potatoes for tea whatever. Just being "pestered " for sex is a bit of a turn off .You sound a little entitled ,you have a "comfortable" life with a cleaner,wife "choosing " to work .Sex is a meeting of minds and shared goals ,not a payment for lifes comforts!Many men do not want to accept this and will look elsewhere of course .You have to decide maybe to work maybe a weekend away ,or some flowers ,but often couples grow apart.Its why many divorces in middle age occur so often

Is it the sex, or the interest as a whole?

I'm in a sexless marriage, and while I 100% do miss the sex, it would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with if I felt 'wanted'.

I have a log as a partner. I can hug, kiss, snuggle, and 'imply' I'd like sex, and I'm basically just ignored. It sounds like you not getting kisses or sex is basically that. Apathy hurts just as much as outright objection.