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Original poster

Wife no longer interested in intimacy

351 replies

Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 11:25

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

OP posts:
MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 14:53

dottydodah · 03/02/2025 14:43

You sound like an awful lot of middle age men TBH! Men and women are very different ,even though we are constantly told the opposite! Most women in their 40s with DC and a job /home to run feel tired both physically and mentally.Often just not in the "headspace" for sex.Constantly worried whether the kids will hear,whether they got some apples.potatoes for tea whatever. Just being "pestered " for sex is a bit of a turn off .You sound a little entitled ,you have a "comfortable" life with a cleaner,wife "choosing " to work .Sex is a meeting of minds and shared goals ,not a payment for lifes comforts!Many men do not want to accept this and will look elsewhere of course .You have to decide maybe to work maybe a weekend away ,or some flowers ,but often couples grow apart.Its why many divorces in middle age occur so often

The first part of your post is close to the truth for sure. You're describing a woman who prioritises literally everything else in life except for her marriage.

Second part, come on. Flowers?!?? If all the OP had to do to get some sex was bring her some flowers he wouldn't be posting here. Weekends away! How many weekends away without the kids do parents of school age children get in your average decade?

Original poster
Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 14:57

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 14:53

The first part of your post is close to the truth for sure. You're describing a woman who prioritises literally everything else in life except for her marriage.

Second part, come on. Flowers?!?? If all the OP had to do to get some sex was bring her some flowers he wouldn't be posting here. Weekends away! How many weekends away without the kids do parents of school age children get in your average decade?

Show quote history

Just picked this one to reply to as its the latest. The flowers things makes me chuckle. We have around an acre of a wild meadow which is full of flowers from spring to Autumn. House is always full of flowers especially with my unhealthy love of growing Dahlias 🤣🤣🤣.

if only it was that simple lol

agreed on the priority list. She is number 2 and i am probably scraping in to the top 10 maybe.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/02/2025 14:59

Sounds very frustrating. 40 is too young in my opinion to give up sex and there are lots of nice single women with a sex drive in their 30s and 40s that would like to date a loyal man who likes relationships. I guess if the rest of your relationship is great you might want to ask her to try couples counselling as a last resort. Equally if you've decided you want to split up, then let her know as kindly and gently as you can do that you're no longer happy and no longer feel that you're compatible as husband and wife.

Original poster
Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 15:01

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/02/2025 14:59

Sounds very frustrating. 40 is too young in my opinion to give up sex and there are lots of nice single women with a sex drive in their 30s and 40s that would like to date a loyal man who likes relationships. I guess if the rest of your relationship is great you might want to ask her to try couples counselling as a last resort. Equally if you've decided you want to split up, then let her know as kindly and gently as you can do that you're no longer happy and no longer feel that you're compatible as husband and wife.

Yes it is extremely frustrating. Thats the thing we have built a lovely life for us & children & i dont want to lose that but at the same time have realised i cant accept the lack of intimacy.

OP posts:
Discombobble · 03/02/2025 15:05

Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 12:46

Thank you for this reply, i am not a bad person and my expectations are not out of order in my opinion

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Probably not, but can you imagine having to have sex with someone you don’t want sex with? Each time you die a little.

Nandia24 · 03/02/2025 15:08

I'm older than you and I have a DH who isn't interested in having sex with me and hasn't been for a long time. I have a nice life but I miss the intimacy and feeling loved and wanted just as much as the sex. In some ways I'm a shell of the person I was.

I'm 57 and I realise it's probably too late for me now. I should have made a break a long time ago. And that makes me very sad and regretful of what I may have missed.

You should leave. This situation is unlikely to change and it will eat away at you. Make the change while you still can unless you feel that your life without, or with very little, sex will fulfil you.

Best of luck.

MerlotMisery · 03/02/2025 15:10

Discombobble · 03/02/2025 15:05

Probably not, but can you imagine having to have sex with someone you don’t want sex with? Each time you die a little.

Show quote history

Oh my word. Then don't!!!!!!!!!

Seriously. Assuming it's not an abusive relationship, in which case of course all bets are off and none of this applies, WHY would you do that?

Have the difficult conversation. Say the words.

"I don't want to have sex with you any more. Don't ask again. It's always going to be a no. Those times I've been having sex with you, I didn't want to".

No man wants sex with a women who doesn't want sex with him, he wants sex with an enthusiastic partner.

ViciousCurrentBun · 03/02/2025 15:10

Try couples counselling as a last attempt, if it’s mismatched libidos and not changing then its stay with the lack of what you want or divorce. You then have less assets each as not combined and then you look for a partner with a similar libido. Whether or not their libido remains the same who knows plus at the start most are at it like rabbits anyway so may give a false sense of the future.

That quote men love women, women love children and children love hamsters springs to mind.

JimHalpertsWife · 03/02/2025 15:29

Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 15:01

Yes it is extremely frustrating. Thats the thing we have built a lovely life for us & children & i dont want to lose that but at the same time have realised i cant accept the lack of intimacy.

Show quote history

Does your wife enjoy the life that's been built? Or are you just measuring it on what you think about it?

Original poster
Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 15:33

JimHalpertsWife · 03/02/2025 15:29

Does your wife enjoy the life that's been built? Or are you just measuring it on what you think about it?

Show quote history

Yes she loves the life that has been built & the things we get to do. Just has no interest sexually

OP posts:
Mumbodadhd · 03/02/2025 15:33

I'm just coming out of a 'drought' with DP. We had fallen into a rut where I was exhausted from parenting (not his children), working and running the house and he had fallen into just expecting me to be a receptacle, every day as routine we'd go to bed, he would watch as much tv as he wanted (i'm not interested), then, right at the end of his 'to do' list for the day, roll over to give me a half-arsed tweak and expect me to open up and relieve him before sleep. Gross. It was boring, I was tired and when i examined it, i didnt feel loved or wanted for ME. He's turned it around by listening to me when i talk, touching me at other times without an expectation of sex, flirting, telling me out loud he loves me. Just taking an interest in ME again.

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 15:46

Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 15:33

Yes she loves the life that has been built & the things we get to do. Just has no interest sexually

Show quote history

Well, technically she does, she has interest every three weeks... unless you're having sex with a woman who you resolutely believe has no interest in you sexually?

JimHalpertsWife · 03/02/2025 15:48

Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 15:33

Yes she loves the life that has been built & the things we get to do. Just has no interest sexually

Show quote history

This is actually untrue though isn't it? She has less interest than you, but she's still interested in having a sexual relationship with you as she and you have sex every 3 to 4 weeks.

Flustration · 03/02/2025 15:51

@Parker1984 if there is genuinely nothing else going on except mismatched sex drives then your options are limited to:

  1. leave
  2. stay and agree other ways you can meet your sexual needs
  3. stay and argue and/or pressure her into having sex she does not want

If, however, it's a relationship problem then there might be something fixable you can work on. The only 2 times I have lost my sex drive was when I had relationship problems. For me, not wanting sex was a symptom of something else. Not the same for everyone obviously.

Thisistyresome · 03/02/2025 15:51

Parker1984 · 03/02/2025 15:33

Yes she loves the life that has been built & the things we get to do. Just has no interest sexually

Show quote history

She also doesn't like kissing you. She appears to have no interest in working out how to improve things between you.

Sounds like she doesn't really like you. I'm surprised you aren't suspicious of infidelity on her part.

Better to get out with a plan to protect the kids. If you screw that up you will regret it. but if you end things and they do well then you will probably both be a lot happier.

Zanatdy · 03/02/2025 16:07

If she doesn’t want to kiss you, i’d say she is no longer sexually attracted to you. If it’s a deal breaker, then yes you should leave

JimHalpertsWife · 03/02/2025 16:14

Has she always hated kissing?

Idontjetwashthefucker · 03/02/2025 16:23

Does she get her needs met when having sex?

SoScarletItWas · 03/02/2025 16:25

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 15:46

Well, technically she does, she has interest every three weeks... unless you're having sex with a woman who you resolutely believe has no interest in you sexually?

Show quote history

Thank you! I just read several posts about ‘of course the woman stops having sex once she’s got the house and kids’ or talking as if they don’t have sex at all and OP just needs to do more cleaning or whatever.

This isn’t a sexless marriage. This is a mismatch of drives. She’s doing it as often as she wants to. He wants more. Like I said in my first post, neither of them is wrong.

OP has talked to her about this. At this stage, his choice is to accept that or leave.

My only caveat is the tone of those discussions. If they are like his posts, ‘I want more sex and it isn’t fair’ then I understand her position. If he’s tried ‘I miss the connection we have that’s unique to sex and I’d love to feel that closeness more often’ that’s a different proposition.

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 16:29

@SoScarletItWas I'm thinking the discussions every six months about it have got a similar undertone as the posts here, which is possibly why they're not effective in producing the outcome that OP feels entitled to because of the lifestyle he provides he would like.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/02/2025 16:33

It doesn't matter how much you think you're "right" or how unfair it is op, at the end of the day you aren't entitled to more sex than your wife is willing to have with you and it sounds like she's only giving in once a month to shut you up, which is actually coercive sex and really dodgy.
She doesn't like kissing you either, she's either completely gone off you or she's extremely underwhelmed by the sex you do have when she gives in, if it was good sex for her she'd want it more. Saying she enjoys it once she gets going is said to save your ego unfortunately.

You don't get to make her have sex when she doesn't want it, so you can leave or put up with it.

SoScarletItWas · 03/02/2025 16:43

Seas164 · 03/02/2025 16:29

@SoScarletItWas I'm thinking the discussions every six months about it have got a similar undertone as the posts here, which is possibly why they're not effective in producing the outcome that OP feels entitled to because of the lifestyle he provides he would like.

I am thinking exactly the same.

AllFurCoatAndFrillyKnickers · 03/02/2025 16:50

FoolishHips · 03/02/2025 12:25

Well most women don't want sex after a certain age...it's just not really talked about. So we end up alone or with a sulking husband. That's evolutionary biology for you.

You could find someone a bit younger and wait for the same thing to happen again once she reaches menopause. Then you'll need to swap her again.

Speak for yourself. Most women in their 60s I know are still interested in sex.

Crikeyalmighty · 03/02/2025 16:54

@AllFurCoatAndFrillyKnickers that may be the group you know to be fair- I'm 63 and not interested and nor are most of my friends of that age group - not saying that's right or wrong - just saying there is a really big mix from 50s onwards

Wherearemymarbles · 03/02/2025 18:02

OP, if you cut out all the noise, it comes down to two things.

  1. She isnt interested in sex with you or anyone else. It happens and is no ones fault
  2. She doesnt fancy/like you any more but has decided an easy life with you and the kids is a sacrifice worth making - for now.

So it’s entirely your call whether to stay in a sexually frustrating marriage or leave.