Wife no longer interested in intimacy

[Parker1984]

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

It's not really your opinion that you're short of though, is it? It's not your opinion that you need to get a bit more curious about in order to work things out with your wife.

Mumsnet is not a hive mind, of course different threads get different reactions.

Sometimes people (men and women) just go off sexual intercourse, especially when they don't want any more children in their 40s. And a lot of people are not happy without sexual intercourse as they don't see anything else as "proper" sex.

We are still mammals and the urge to procreate is obviously strongest when we are younger and fitter and declines naturally when having children would be higher risk - more so in women.

However much we've made sex a recreational activity in society it was not that long ago in human history that we gained an ability to control whether we have children other than by not having sexual intercourse. However much we have contraception available (which can play absolute havoc with female bodies in itself) there are still natural factors at play and our biology is absolutely stone age however much we try and apply 21st century logic to it.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I hope someone gave you some kind of useful advice.

It is unfortunate that some people here can't spot their own double standards.

This isn’t a sexless marriage, rather their libidos are mismatched. The OP seems to be looking for validation that their desired frequency is ‘right’ and hers is ‘wrong’. I think that’s why he’s getting short shrift. He’s not showing much respect for her sexuality. I think the responses are right that he should end the marriage if her sexuality isn’t acceptable to him.

I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage and I can't see what all the fuss is about on this thread. I don't see my husband as an object that I use. I see him as my husband, who I want to share intimacy with. I don't see him as purely a friend/team mate that I live with. If we aren't having sex regularly then I don't feel emotionally close to him.

If I were you I wouldn't go straight to leaving. It's a shame that this conversation always ends in an argument. Can you speak calmly with her and tell her that you love her and want to remain in the marriage, but you will genuinely leave if she isn't willing to find some kind of compromise?

Is there something she needs from you to make her feel more fulfilled? (Ask her that question, don't assume the answer because she has a cleaner and you help out round the house). Would she be open to sex therapy? You finding a lover?

I find conversations like this go a bit better when both parties are open to putting effort in to help support each other, rather than one person complaining and the other becoming defensive.

People are being weird here. It's normal to want to have sex more than once a month when you're married.

This misses the point people are making. Of course it is. The point is that the ops wife clearly doesn't 'want' it. So the op can make his choices given that. His options are;

1. Continue to have sex with someone who sees it as a chore and clearly doesn't want sex with him, but will put up with it once a month to continue the life she has
2. Stop having sex with her at all given mutual desire is absent
3. Leave the marriage

Has a single person said you were an unreasonable person then?

Again thank you for this reply

Have you tried different types of touch and at different times of the day? Would you entertain dong a massage course together. Not sexual as such but it could be a meeting point where you enjoy more intimacy and she doesn't find it too sexual.
Think back massage
Body massage
Are there times when your children are out all morning?

It could kick start a renewed joy in touch for you both.

She either doesn't want sex, or doesn't want sex with you.

I didn't say he was celibate, I said that sex with his wife when she doesn't want it any more is not an option, which would obviously result in celibacy in the marriage.

Maybe go and get the snip, she can come off the pill and that may help the situation. The pill is known to supress libido

Has this not been discussed?

I feel for you OP. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think it's entirely reasonable to want sex more than once a month at 40.

I have an awesome sex life with my husband at 40 (we've been together 20 years). We're currently having sex pretty much daily. But there was about a 10 year period where I couldn't really be bothered more than once a fortnight, and it's because I'd lost respect for him.

I've always been the higher earner and put a lot of work into building my career, while my husband lazily stagnated for years in a job that was poorly paid and going nowhere. He left all life admin to me. I did so much more around the house than him. We were refurbishing our home and he left all decision making and dealing with tradesmen to me. He drank too much and didn't look after himself.

I laid my cards on the table when I realised I couldn't stand it any longer. He has since retrained into a trade where I see him working hard and earning good money - it's really built his self esteem. He's also really cut down on drinking, and - although he will never do as much at home as I do - he pulls his weight to an extent I'm happy with. It's made me find him really attractive again and we've never been closer.

It sounds like almost none of these dynamics are at play between you and your wife. I'm just sharing my experience to give an insight into how strong the correlation is between the whole person and sexual attraction for many women.

Yes. I said that in my post too. The op should leave the marriage, if this is a deal-breaker.

She has no interest in sex and doesn’t want to do it but will allow it once a month because that’s what you’ve agreed?

What do you get out of having sex with someone lying there wanting it to be over and not enjoying it? She doesn’t want to but you’ve pushed her into it.

Your wife doesn’t fancy you anymore. I think that’s what you have to accept. She’s not wrong for that and you’re not wrong for wanting more. But you are wrong for making her agree to sex that you KNOW she doesn’t want in order to avoid an argument.

But he’s a high earner. He pays for a cleaner. She owes him

You've tolerated sex once every 3 weeks.....omg .. entitled much
She has a job a house kids ..
Your expectations make having sex something on her to do list
She doesn't owe you sex
Just because your married doesn't give you access to her body
She's already having sex with you every 3 weeks ,I think that's normal for a lot of parents,and really good going for many families
I think your expectations are way off
I imagine you pressuring her in to sex she doesn't want makes her very unhappy
So yes ,you do need to leave ,for her happiness

How the hell does she sound spoilt?

She's not boring just because she's not like you....you don't even know her!

You don’t seem to offer any insight into the issue women are flagging for you here. You keep referring to your expectations and your own opinion, and don’t seem curious about your wife’s experience. I assume you asked here looking for input from other women, and people are sharing some suggestions that might actually help you. You can just look for confirmation of your opinion on here or you can reflect on what people are suggesting and consider that it might apply?
Ultimately your own approach doesn’t appear to be working for you, so what do you have to lose by considering the perspectives of others ?

It's not a friendship if your having sex every 3 weeks,that's a relationship.
I don't know about anyone else ,but I'm not having sex with my friends every 3 weeks .
What are you doing whining on Mumsnet anyway..
Get a grip .. literally
And give your poor wife a break from the pressure

You work and do some stuff around the house and with the children and think that because you do some regular things required by alduts, your DW owes you frequent sex? I'd have a long hard think about your sense of entitlement and your divorcing of sex from desire and pleasure.

You're going to leave her because of a natural progression of less intimacy as she heads towards perimenopause...?

@MrsSlocombesCat I'm still married ( 29 years) and second marriage) but feel exactly the same - I'm just not interested in it after a couple of years.

Encouraging a man to cheat on his wife.

What a great person you are. 🙄😒