Wife no longer interested in intimacy

[Parker1984]

Myself Male 40, wife 44. We have been married 13 years and together for 20 years, we have 2 children aged 14 & 10.

Basically my wife thinks any sexual activity once per month is enough and has no interest in anymore (note it probably is closer to 3 weeks as an average & it becomes a problem after a month without for me) We have this argument every 6 months or so after she is reminded its been over a month without and its not fair.

I get told if i dont like it find someone else, which just to clarify i haven’t and never wanted to. Her responses are im unreasonable to want it 1-2 x per week as thats not normal.

We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, she works part time 3 days a week which is her choice and she doesn’t need to. I do the majority of the school runs & we share out the cooking. Also i do all the kids sports clubs in the evenings and weekends. We have a cleaner for 8hrs a week (Monday & Friday) so the house is never really untidy and she doesnt have to do much (this added for the people who will say i dont do enough).

I am made to feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting sex 1-2pw & that i am the issue.

This has been an ongoing issue since second child 10 years ago. She did try many years ago to go for tests and hormones. All came back normal & stopped using that as an excuse to not want it.

I am now at the point that i think i am going to leave. So frustrating

No woman, even your wife, owes you sex. I’d be put off by the way you think she owes you this because you do X Y and Z (basic responsibilities of being an adult). Leave her or accept it! Your choice!

Did she used to like kissing you? If so, what has changed?

Is hygiene good? Does she think it always ends up as sex so avoids?

Are you being like this just because it's a male poster? Why are you so hostile!

This is so unnecessary he didn't say this!

Thing is, if she forced herself to give you what you want, would you really enjoy sex knowing she didn't want to and hated it?

Your only option is to open the marriage and get a side shag, or leave.

No, I'm not the op. I don't think he needs someone to come and tell him his wife will be relieved if they split up either. Maybe try offering some useful advice without the snark next time.

Neither of you is wrong, you are just incompatible. I guess now is the time whether you think it is worth ending a relationship because of mismatched sex drives. Again, there is not a right and wrong answer here.

There are things that can kill a sex drive dead though. Being exhausted and stressed, feeling resentment towards the partner, hormonal issues, ageing generally, not getting on with hormonal contraception, not wanting to risk having any more children but partner refuses to have a vasectomy, feeling that their partner doesn't do enough round the house or respect them, the partner not having great personal hygiene, the partner not being very considerate of their partner in the bedroom, and watching a lot of porn. I wonder if any of these are a factor here.

I'll post how I want, thanks. Your posts aren't useful at all but it hasn't stopped you.

This is a grand example of a thread where the OP is a man getting different responses to the ones he'd get if a woman posted something similar. I'm pretty sure that a woman who posted a thread saying that they were struggling with the lack of sex in their marriage, and whose husband was implying that wanting sex more than once a month was abnormal, would not get replies telling her that it was probably all her fault somehow for being a shit wife.

Is your wife on hormonal contraception? One of the birth control pills I took killed my libido stone dead - although I suppose the difference was that I wanted to want sex, if that makes sense?! I didn't want to have sex, but at the same time, I missed wanting to have sex.

Whatever the reason, if your wife simply doesn't see this as a problem and makes you feel like you're the problem for wanting sex more than once a month, and also doesn't even want you to kiss her, I personally would end the relationship. I'd feel awful if my partner behaved like that towards me. It's not even just the actual sex - it would also make me feel rejected and unattractive and unloved. For some people, sex isn't always just sex, it's part of their 'love language' as it were, and being with a partner who doesn't really want that kind of physical relationship is soul-destroying for them.

My original post included actual advice. Not just an insult to the op.

Get a room dudes.

@ItGhoul cake, flowers, sympathy and vibrators for the female poster. We do get awfully entitled male posters but this op hasn't been so.

You told him to leave and added an unnecessary comment about other posters, then started derailing the thread by picking on my posts.

I told him to leave and added an (in your view) unnecessary comment about his wife.

In your own words, you're being weird.

I really feel for you. 40 is young (as is 44) and certainly not a time I would want to say ‘no more’. It is not unreasonable for you to feel frustrated.

As you describe it, it feels to me like not only does she not want ‘action’ but she’s not willing to entertain your need for it. And by that I mean treats you as pestering rather than seriously discuss what would make the difference for her and her desire.

maybe the desire has flown the coop? Maybe she wants something different? A friend a while back said no to her DH. They’re still together but he’s now a somewhat inappropriate sex pest.

A sexless marriage would be deeply dissatisfying to me, and my DH and I (50, 53) make sure it happens. That can feel mechanical, forced initially, and yet it’s a highly bonding activity.

if you leave you’re leaving a lot more than just sex. You may also not find any! But you are too young to sit with this

lol okay, I'll stop "derailing" and "white knighting" by having a different opinion than you.

It is true people are being weird though. Women post similar things about sexless marriages and aren't told it's their fault for being terrible wife.

Sounds like it is time to divorce. Neither of you sound happy in this situation.

She is not attracted to you and at this point you have the option of planning an amicable exit with the children carefully considered. The alternative is that things get drawn out and then someone does something that injects lots of negative emotion in to the situation.

Speak to a solicitor, think about a plan for how it would work, then perhaps go to marriage counselling with the intention of addressing how to separate and establish new lives where the kids are not adversely impacted.

I suspect you will both be happier with things ended. She is obviously having sex because she feels obligated and no one want to be on either side of that dynamic. It sounds like it is all up to you to plan the separation as she seems disinterested. I suggest you get on with the planning.

As the wife in a long term marriage here's what my turn offs from a previously fantastic sex life were

Too tired...menopause and 60 HR weeks

Poor hygiene from DH,teeth brushing general grooming and wearing work uniform at w ends
Temper tantrums
Watching Tv or sports instead of going out
An inability to have proper conversation
Lack of hugs
Recently telling me the best bit about me was the sex.
No woman likes to be treated like a recepticle.
Do any of these apply to you OP.?

Marriage and relationships and friendships have an expiration date.

Nobody gets married and goes "Well I can't wait to get divorced in the future."

Maybe both of you grew out of each other and became different people.

I just feel like you're unhappy in general, and you want a new life for yourself.

There is nothing wrong with that. People grow apart. People change. It's better to end things so BOTH of you have a chance to be happy yet again then suffer in silence for 10 more years together.

Nobody should be forced to have non consensual sex.
Do what you want re divorce, have you thought that maybe that's what she wants too?
I'd sit down and discuss it like adults.

Libido changes throughout your life - if your current situation is enough to break up your marriage over then go ahead.
Sex shouldn't be a chore and the sense of expectation can kill your desire for a partner.
I think there's some truth is the idea that men like to have sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved and valued by a partner to enjoy sex.
You need to consider carefully if it is worth giving up your current life for a fantasy life you think might exist. You will also be giving up seeing your children maybe 70% of the time, your wife may well move on with someone else and you may or may not find another relationship which delivers what you want.
Weight up your choices carefully as this is one of those decisions that changes the lives of everyone around you.

It is not unreasonable for you to want regular sex in your marriage but equally of course if your wife doesn’t want to have sex then that is her absolute right.

Personally it doesn’t sound as though she loves you anymore. DH talked to me about the dwindling of sex in our marriage and I am now making a real effort because I love DH and want to spend the rest of my life with him. If she isn’t making that effort then sadly I just don’t think she cares about you.

Thank you for this reply, i am not a bad person and my expectations are not out of order in my opinion

One more thing…. With women the saying goes something like ‘look after the previous 24 hours - that’s part of foreplay’.

• are you showing interest in who she is , what she’s about? That creates intimacy- feeling known and understood
• 8 hrs wouldn’t cover all the cleaning in most households. Are you really pulling your weight, or does she really carry the mental load?
• are you hygienic? My DH thinks he is but the Jackson pollocked loo bowl after one of his daily 45min epic shlts is enough to make my vagina close up for 48hrs. Do you fart / pick your nose / have bad breath / grown a beer gut?
• are you picking a time of day that suits her? Walking up with a boner and expecting to just use it is classic man behaviour. Do you even know what suits her?

One of the reasons I decided to remain single after two failed marriages and a failed long term relationship was because I go off sex after a couple years and hated the feeling of obligation.

I'm a female also in a sexless relationship. My situation is nearly identical to the OP. I posted about it before and the responses I got were entirely different. Mostly LTB, suggesting he had a porn addiction/death grip/OW etc and many posters suggesting I have an affair (despite me explaining I had no desire to do so.) The double standards on MN really are utterly ludicrous.