Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

[Littletreeboots]

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

This happened to me OP. Children were 2 and 6 months. I went to my GP and he gave me some lorazepam (for panic/anxiety) and some antidepressants. The lorazepam really helped.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you too. You can’t see it now but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It will get easier.

Please reach out for support wherever you can.

@Littletreeboots

I'm sure it's been mentioned already, but beg, borrow, or steal the money and see a solicitor immediately. Prepare notes wrt the family finances (income/expenses), savings/investments, pensions, and importantly, the house. Do you own/rent? If own how is the house titled and was any money 'ringfenced' either for you or away from you? It doesn't mean you are going to 'do anything', it just means you are educating yourself as to what divorce may mean to you and knowledge is power. That knowledge will also allow you to make other decisions that need to be made.

File for CMS if the solicitor advises you that the time is right to do so. File for whatever benefits you may be entitled to. I'm in the US so I don't know exactly what it is, but posters have advised women in your position that there's something you can do wrt council tax, change it to single?

I know you're exhausted, I know you're terrified. I know that seeing a solicitor, filing for benefits is acknowledging to yourself that he's not coming back. And that's scary. But I also know that you have sources of internal strength that you don't realize you have. We all do. So know that you aren't doing it for yourself, you're doing it for your children's future. Dig deep.

And forget about an OW, for now. The time will come when you can cry and rage to the skies about his cheating. But that time is not now. Now you must protect yourself, and by extension your children.

You say "I have family but there (sic) not supportive in the way I need them to be". Stop a moment and give serious consideration to the ways they would be helpful. Even if it's not the way you want them to be, is it 'enough' that it would make a positive difference if you were closer to them? If the only support would be a shoulder to cry on, that's most likely not worth moving for. But if they could provide even minimal 'practical' support, would it make enough of a difference to make it worthwhile? Obvs, if you own your home that comes into things, too.

You will get through this. Your life won't be the same, but it will be the life you make for yourself, and self-determination is always good. Thousands have been where you are, thousands will come after you. You are not alone.

So sorry this happened to you. You do realize that he is lying to you about there being another woman, right?

Thanks everyone for your comments. I know in 5 years from now I will really be thanking him for the favour he’s done me. But right now it’s incredibly hard, with the guise of his poor MH I have felt like it’s my fault for breaking the family up. Reality is, the likelihood is there’s another woman, and he feels ‘Inlove’ again. This hurts as I can’t think of a time where I’m ever going to have another relationship again, and ontop of everything I’m terrified of being alone. My children are my whole world. I love them dearly, and they have and always come first. I’m sure as the months go on this will feel less and less painful.

It's OK it's natural to feel like this. I raised my children for 20 years on my own before I had another relationship. My children never wanted another man in their house. They felt they could not be themselves and at ease with a 'daddy figure'. I never wanted another man in the house or near them either. My second relationship failed after 10 years when he got nasty. I packed my cat my cash and drove my car from john o groats to kent uk to live with my children who were both single lads who had their own rented flat. I'm still on my own now. I've battled cancer, depression, poverty, etcetc. I feel the only thing that would hurt me now would be the death of my children. You will end up really tough, and a no nonsense girl but very compassionate with it, and will be able to see through the bullshit of life. Don't worry. You're day will come when you feel strong and empowered. Love xx

Have a look at claiming universal credit and child maintenance. You need money to pay for a solicitor.

Do no facilitate meetings in your home again. Only in public spaces.

report to the doctors and nursery about the dangerous sleeping and angry outbursts. He’s not interested now but when he gets slapped with CM and a new woman he might want to start playing happy families and you need to have sorted who has what visits when and CM prior to that.

What a selfish horrible man, you can get through this but please ask for help and don't try to do it all on your own. Tell him you want him to help with the kids as you shouldn't have to do everything. Can the kids go and stay with him for the weekend or you stay with a family/freind and he come to the house. No way would I be letting him have all this time to himself.

Get yourself all glammed up and go out and enjoy a few hours respite.

Just thought I’d update. I’ve seen him today. I genuinely now don’t think there’s another woman. I just think he hates the fact I’ve neglected him to care for the kids. He also seems to be living his best life out with his mates who are questionable at best. I asked him to agree to a routine for the kids n I said one over night in the family home on a Saturday one week, Friday the next - he said he doesn’t see why he needs to commit to a day because if his friends ask him out he wants flexibility. I said if your friends ask you out n it’s your night on you’ll have to say no as you’ve got the kids… He kicked off and walked out while calling me controlling. He also has reminded me how terrible I was to him saying his days started at 6am and ended at 9pm (he’s out for work 7-6) and I should have done more. I think he wanted a mom, not a wife, and I wasn’t and will never be that woman.

@Littletreeboots I'm sorry that you have had to tolerate being in a relationship with a spoilt little boy. His attitude is appalling. Children need routine and that is all you are trying to provide.
He is revolting. My children definitely come before my friends and they would always expect that to be so! What a bunch of immature brats.

Omg @Littletreeboots , he really is a spoilt little boy. He does actually realise these are his children? He is going to end up one sad lonely old fuck at this rate. Urgh my blood is boiling for you

He’s clearly enjoying reverting to pre adult life 🙄 I really hope for your kids’ sake that the novelty wears off and he starts to miss seeing his kids.

I advise you to record what he is doing and saying now (eg not wanting a fixed day in case friends invite him out) in case he later changes his tune and wants 50/50 - some previously uninterested fathers do this, to avoid CMS payments or just to piss off their ex.

Where will you go when he’s having his weekly night in the family home??

How immature! He seems to want to be a teenage boy again going out with his mates whenever he feels like it.

I know there must be painful moments when you sometimes miss him but on the whole how would you ever want sex again. With someone so selfish? Biggest ick ever

I’m going to be in the house in another room. Due to his MH issues and him playing the MH card so often and him having no patience I am not going to be leaving them alone with him yet. He knows this and agrees. I won’t be helping him though, my headphones will be on and I’ll be using this as my self care time

Honestly I still want him back?! I think I’ve got some serious codependency issues… I’ve been with him since I was a child. Never had another man. I’ve grown up with him basically. I’ve booked some more counselling so I can start to analyse my issues further.

I get it I really do. It’s safe and familiar.
probably trauma bonding?

Do you think he would ever want you back?

I’ve had a very traumatic childhood too, something I’ve worked on though I must admit. We were both very broken kids when we met.

Nope, he says the relationship has come to a end and that’s it he never sees a way back

he said he doesn’t see why he needs to commit to a day because if his friends ask him out he wants flexibility.

I'm so sorry OP, Just when you think he couldn't get any lower he flops onto his belly and slithers like a snake.

Just take care of you and your children and leave the manbaby to his friends.

❤️💐

You are doing the best you can with this situation. It is normal to be distraught and want your old life back. We tend to romanticize our pasts and gloss over the tarnished spots. Try to prioritize yourself and your DC. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. He has shown you what a weak man he is. He may realize he is being a giant twat eventually, but by then I think you will see you deserve better than him. You deserve more than a pitiful little man who leaves his family and neglects his children. People can fall out of love or want a divorce. But he is abandoning his children and not putting them first. That is unforgivable to do to children.

There is a book called ‘women who love too much’ it’s worth a read for sure x

The more you post, the more it’s clear you absolutely are better off without him… and your kids certainly are.

Are you in a position to move forwards without him? What options do you have for work/housing/support with the kids?

Dear god. He’s pathetic.

I’m currently on maternity leave. I normally work 2.5 days a week, I have a decent job within post 16 education. Currently own a property which we are selling asap, I have nothing in the area anymore, I was here for him. So I want my equity to rent a home for me and the children in my childhood town. Support I have to drive 40 mins there then 40 mins back for any kind of support, but my father has really came up trumps for me, he cooks for me when he sees I haven’t eaten and he is running round after my kids, he wants me to move in with him so he can look after me and allow me to heal. But I’m sure my baby is allergic to his dog which makes it hard. I am so incredibly grateful for him, my mom did the same thing to him and in turn disowned me when she realised she regretted having kids, my dad was broken. I think this is why he’s doing everything he can.

Ah your Dad sounds lovely, definitely sounds like the right thing to do by moving closer to him. Stay strong!

My god . I know violence is a nono, but if I could get my hands on him now , you know the rest. My ex husband turned up at my door in budgie smugglers one day, girlfriend parked up the road in our car. I had the radio on in the house, he started dancing and trying to act like a young free n single bad boy! I know hilarious and si k at the same time. It was at this point I suddenly in the moment realised what an immature pratt he was, and how the facade he'd put on for years, of being a responsible upright adult and father had dropped. I thought my god is this whi you really are and found it all revolting, it wad an instant turn off. If you believe now he hadn't got a girlfriend, it won't be long before he is persuaded by his unsavoury mates to go shag around. All the bravado, testosterone and pats on the back will be something he relishes. Step aside, keep your distance, and be the bigger person. You're a star a d he's lost you. You will find better when you are ready. Love. Ps I'm champing at the bit to get my hands on him ! It brings back so many feelings of my past experience, and having to restrain myself. Xxxxxx

I hope he has the realisation at some point that his behaviour will reflect on his children, and he will stop it. Poor kids . I really feel for you all. Your influence and teaching your children how to behave properly towards their spouse when they are adults is paramount. My two adult boys have turned out lively. I raised them for 29 years on my own, and wouldn't have done it any differently. They are very special and their partners now adore them. The way you are handling this speaks volumes and I'm very proud of you, your a gem of a mum and a woman. Your children are very lucky to have you. Keep positive. Good luck and love to you. Xxxxx