Page 8 | Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

CardFinderLuck · 03/02/2025 12:51

His actions speak louder than his words

Put in a claim for child maintenance asap

Original poster

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 12:54

DoubleRainbow3 · 03/02/2025 12:36

Sorry but you say the ow is pregnant with someone else ?
How do you know it's someone else or have I picked it up wrong.

She’s married. It’s her second child and her partners first. Definitely don’t think it’s his baby

OP posts:

Mrsbloggz · 03/02/2025 12:59

I'm so sorry @Littletreeboots and so appalled at how weak and selfish this man is
🙏🏻💗

Original poster

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 13:09

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/02/2025 10:37

Exactly. He sounds just like the sort of man who always has to be the centre of attention and endlessly moves from relationship to relationship in search of that 'new love' feeling. It doesn't usually end well for them.

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I said this to his face when he agreed to talk to me after ignoring me for over a week. A single tear just rolled down his cheek and he agreed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 13:10

oakleaffy · 03/02/2025 11:12

It's bound to be the colleague.
Mentionitis.
Was the same for me, having to listen to him blather on about a bloody woman he worked with.

{She was significantly older than him and he is older than me, so I wasn't initially suspicious}

The children will be the ones hurt the most- what an arsehole.

Same here. She’s close to her 40’s I believe. Whatever floats his boat. He’s been trying to get my eldest to meet her for ages. Stupidly never thought anything by it

OP posts:

2025willbemytime · 03/02/2025 13:21

I am so sorry for you this has happened but while it is shit and scary now, you will end up much much stronger. A lot of what you've said has resonated and if I can I'd like to give you some advice.

If he feels guilty use that to your advantage. Asked him to do a bulk shop for nappies, baby milk, etc.

Don't attempt to try and facilitate him being a good dad or beg him to be. The kids need the reality, not forced attention.

Laugh at his inadequacy that he can't cope without a woman licking his arse. Mine lasted a handful of weeks alone before you hooked up with some woman. She knew all that had gone on yet sees him as a good prospect. More fool her.

Focus on anyone who can help, don't give him, his mother and those who won't support you any headspace.

You've got this and we've got you.

2catsandhappy · 03/02/2025 13:26

Get onto CMS today. He has moved out of the home and relationship. Get your due for your dc.
Text him to see the dc Saturday or Sunday afternoon at your house. Baby steps for the time being. Build up to twice a week.
So very sorry this has happened to you x

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 13:34

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 08:59

This is 100% what I feel it is. I’ve put him on a pedestal forever - pre kids I was the perfect partner in terms of him having all of me, and doing everything for him. Unfortunately after 2 very traumatic births and 2 kids who enjoy hospital admissions he has hit the bottom of the pile. He said he deserves to be someone’s priority. I just think he’s met someone who’s given him that push to go, as he is by no way a confident individual. He is very shy unless supported by someone. Which has been me for 10 years.

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You perhaps thought that a shy, needy, man with mental health conditions was a good catch—he was so dependent on you that you could rely on him to stay with you and love you. But he just took your support as his due. When you tried to “complete” your family and asked him to step fully into the role of husband and father he simply stopped seeing any value in you and left.

He will not come back or accept responsibility for his children. He is a taker. Step out of the drama/codependency triangle. You thought you could rescue and mother him into being a man. But he chose to see it as being victimized by you when you stopped being able to give him all your attention.

Original poster

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 13:38

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 13:34

You perhaps thought that a shy, needy, man with mental health conditions was a good catch—he was so dependent on you that you could rely on him to stay with you and love you. But he just took your support as his due. When you tried to “complete” your family and asked him to step fully into the role of husband and father he simply stopped seeing any value in you and left.

He will not come back or accept responsibility for his children. He is a taker. Step out of the drama/codependency triangle. You thought you could rescue and mother him into being a man. But he chose to see it as being victimized by you when you stopped being able to give him all your attention.

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I really agree with this comment.

OP posts:

MugPlate · 03/02/2025 13:40

His dad walked out at 18m old

Never underestimate intergenerational dysfunction. You now have a chance to break the cycle for your children, OP. Having rtft, I think you'll come out of this stronger and happier than ever.

RareTraybake · 03/02/2025 13:44

My husband left me with a disabled 5 year old and an 18 month old baby. He was having an affair with a distant family member. I had no idea until I was told by my Mother, 6 weeks after he left. Mum found out from a neighbour who had seen them together. Keep this in mind. He's running away from something, or has got into something he can't get out of. They never leave until they've got somewhere or someone else to go to. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. But for me I'm 30 years down the line after I had to divorce him. He never told me why he had an affair. It all looked like he was showing off and she was flirting with him that erupted suddenly into an affair. Like I said 30 years later, 3 more wives later, 3 more children later, and the current wife has seen the light and realised he is deceitful. Try and put things in place for you and your children ie, a place to live, money, be it social security or child support or from your employment. Arrange visits for the children, and try to keep it very cut and dried if possible. It's going to be excruciatingly painful. You will want to slap him silly, as I did for hurting us all, and you may get deep depression. Make sure your GP knows what's going on and try and keep your mental and physical health in shape. I wish you well. Sent with love. Xx

pikkumyy77 · 03/02/2025 13:46

Yes:agree about breaking the cycle. Mentally write him off as a sperm donor. Act like your children have no father but focus on their having the best mother in the world. If his (horrible) mother doesn’t offer solid help (money or support) then cut her iff as well. Stop doung anything but focusing on your health, the divorce, and CMS. If you own the house try to hang on to it if you want. If you only half own it snd cant afford it try to divorce and take half. Just put you and the children ruthlessly first in all your decisions.

VividZebra · 03/02/2025 13:47

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. It happened to me too, almost exactly the same except my kids were older. So I have some advice. Disengage from him and his drama as far as you possibly can; this is time to secure your future because there is an enemy on your lawn. It's not too soon to see a solicitor - but don't tell HIM. Do you have a joint account/credit cards? Make sure this all gets shut down (solicitor will advise) so that he doesn't spaff your marital money on his new 'love'. Have you got any good friends you trust? Reach out and tell someone about this, you need support.

Scentedjasmin · 03/02/2025 13:48

"He wants to feel new love again and be loved is what he said".

What an absolute arse wipe of a man! Sorry, but what a bizarre and utterly twatish thing to say. He has got new love. The love towards and from his children. Wouldn't he also rather have enduring love instead of new fickle'lust'.
What he wants is an escape from the drudgery of looking after small children. He doesn't get to walk away and leave you to deal with it all.
What if you wanted to feel new love again, esp after being let down by a callous twat? I would be threatening 50/50 custody at this point to get him to step up to the plate. In fact, I would be dropping the kids off at his mum's regularly for the day.

crockofshite · 03/02/2025 13:49

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 07:58

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

a haircut and a facial ?????

He's got someone else, or he's working on it.

whymewhyme · 03/02/2025 13:50

There is 100% someone else, they never leave like that if there isn't. Don't waste your time and energy on him, talking from experience here. Fuck him!

Go online to the CMS get that in as it's not back dated and also gibe universal credit a call. Get all your paper work together and do not leave the house.

brummumma · 03/02/2025 13:51

*You perhaps thought that a shy, needy, man with mental health conditions was a good catch—he was so dependent on you that you could rely on him to stay with you and love you. But he just took your support as his due. When you tried to “complete” your family and asked him to step fully into the role of husband and father he simply stopped seeing any value in you and left.

He will not come back or accept responsibility for his children. He is a taker. Step out of the drama/codependency triangle. You thought you could rescue and mother him into being a man. But he chose to see it as being victimized by you when you stopped being able to give him all your attention.*

Gosh this is true - brutally true - my ex husband did the same to me OP @Littletreeboots . They don't come back. And within a few weeks you won't want him to either.
My ex husband Packed up and left within 2 weeks - I also had twins barely out of NICU. He Barely takes responsibility now. We were together 20 years married for over a decade.

One bit of advice I spoke give. Stop having him see the children at your home. He left. If he wants to see them he can take them out for a walk in the pram or take eldest to the park.

Fake it to you make it. You don't need him. You likely never did. Separate him physically from your life by putting in boundaries at your home. When he realises you don't even need him for help with the baby he'll start with the regrets.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 03/02/2025 13:59

My god, another absolute waste of space. Where do these creatures get the audacity?

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, you've already had some great advice and insight on this thread so I don't have anything else to add, apart from please look after yourself and your precious babies. Sending you a massive hug 🫂

StMarie4me · 03/02/2025 14:24

Channellingsophistication · 03/02/2025 08:12

Ok so he’s not that great as a dad and will only be up to day visits with DCs.

Do you have any family who could come and be with you?

So you think he should just get off Scot free from his responsibilities?!

Good grief.

Grammarnut · 03/02/2025 14:32

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 08:17

He’s been a good dad in terms of house help. But when it comes to the kids my toddler not putting her shoes on in 3 seconds will make him loose his temper. He has a lot of childhood trauma. He saw them and only stayed 2.5 hrs because he had to wash his clothes, he then later admitted his mothers doing it anyway. So he just couldn’t wait to leave.

I don’t, I have family but there not supportive in the way I need them to be. My father has offered me to move there but it’s not logistically possible and he has a dog I believe my baby is allergic too.

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Nevertheless, I'd go to your father's. It is support and you need that in order to find a solicitor who will make sure you get your proper share of assets and that your ex is made to pay for his children.

Your DH is not a good dad. He doesn't want the responsibility of an adult relationship with children. He has to be made to face reality.

Channellingsophistication · 03/02/2025 14:34

StMarie4me · 03/02/2025 14:24

So you think he should just get off Scot free from his responsibilities?!

Good grief.

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No of course I dont, he is just as responsible for those DCs, but OP has said he isn’t capable right now of of caring properly for them. Hopefully this will change and he will step up to his responsibilities.

oakleaffy · 03/02/2025 14:37

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 13:10

Same here. She’s close to her 40’s I believe. Whatever floats his boat. He’s been trying to get my eldest to meet her for ages. Stupidly never thought anything by it

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Very much doubt that it will work out for him with this new older woman.
My husband tried to have more children with her but it failed due to her age.
She also had two children that hated a new man on the scene.

I’m so sorry for the kids.
Men like this are deeply selfish and are basically big children themselves that want a mummy figure.

MyNewLife2025 · 03/02/2025 14:48

He wants to feel new love again and be loved is what he said,

Well he’ll have to do that aroubd his dcs. Like any other divorced parent really.

And whilst I agree with @pikkumyy77 take on things, I think it’s still worth pushing him in that direction - having the dcs EOW - so you can have a break of some sort.
I also get that it might feel impossible with your 8 months old too.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/02/2025 14:51

Mumto42005 · 03/02/2025 09:18

I am so sorry to hear that you are in this position OP.
Many of us have been where you are, and it is absolutely devastating, so sending you massive hugs.

I came home from my Mums when my son was 6 weeks old to find my partner at the time (his Dad) had packed his stuff and left. Wasn't answering his phone, messages, nothing. Later that night, I got through, and a woman said 'he's with me now' and cut me off. I was devastated at the time.

I am now a single Mum to 4 boys, and it is hard as I don't have any support (I don't have any family, my only friend lives two hours away) but I am an amazing Mum and now the kids are getting older, they appreciate that.

Firstly, be kind to yourself! An easy tea one night when you are tired? That's perfectly fine. Tired at 8pm when the kids are all settled? No problem... get the rest you need. You can do this... and smash it, even though you don't know how at the moment. You will find the strength to for your babies I promise you.

Secondly, and quickly, make sure financially you are ok. Anything you have with him, make sure you protect yourself and take copies of anything relevant that you may need later on down the line (any documents, payslips, proof of savings etc). Sounds like the last thing you need, but it will help you down the line to have copies of these things if required.

Try not to focus on him and the OW and focus on you and the kids, taking one day at a time, as you will just devastate yourself further if you focus on them.

Could contact be done with his family instead of at your home? It would enable you the break that you will need, and give you time to sort out the things you need to.

Also, see if there is a childminder or likewise nearby that has a DBS check that you can use on the odd occasion if needed to have a few hours to yourself.
My youngest goes to a childminder who has been babysitting for me since I moved to a new area 3 years ago. She is amazing and it gives me a couple of hours child free when needed to just breathe, and with her profession and DBS check, I knew they were safe.

The best revenge is to show him that you don't need him, and you are the best parent to the children that you can be 💕

good advice above.

He sounds utterly useless on all fronts and hard as it is at the moment, this gives you an opportunity to reclaim your life for yourself and your children and not devote your live to being the support mechanism, for this useless, selfish man. His Mum's doing that right now. Let her. She'll soon get tired when the novelty wears off.

He's set you free, to have a better life for you and your children. Grab it with both hands.

Wednesdayweirdosclub · 03/02/2025 15:07

Littletreeboots · 03/02/2025 09:47

My MIL and I talk. She’s really sorry for me. He’s spun the fact he’s very depressed and needs out so he can become a better man for his kids. She hasn’t been the kindest to me in many moons, she cried on our wedding day saying she was loosing her son. She constantly wants my kids alone but then vocalises how she says the problem with society now is we can’t smack n punish kids anymore. She’s very old school. So she’s never had them alone. My husband has always been her baby. His dad walked out at 18m old, n he has always been her ‘man’. It’s always been very messed up and an enmeshed relationship. I have allowed the disrespect because I thought he was fearful of her.

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He sounds like a manchild going to his mummy and whinging to her about his lot. He has another woman on the go hasn't he? Of course he does. Ive been there and done that. Don't believe his pathetic childcare issues - let him have the older child, kick him into touch and see a solicitor now