Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

[Littletreeboots]

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

Posted with @Hwi

Excuse me?

Why are men so stupid?(yes, I know women can be as well), but everyone knows that the heady feeling of being in love just doesn’t last and reality of the everyday sets in. He’ll either come to his senses and want to come home at some point or the affair will continue. In the meantime you have to keep on keeping on. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

I meant maybe he has discovered he was gay (facial)? That is what I meant.

It's bound to be the colleague.
Mentionitis.
Was the same for me, having to listen to him blather on about a bloody woman he worked with.

{She was significantly older than him and he is older than me, so I wasn't initially suspicious}

The children will be the ones hurt the most- what an arsehole.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be really hard to feel confident of your decisions when you see your DH as both cheating on you and taking advantage of you whilst also being a victim himself. For what it's worth, I think it's possible that both are true. However, that doesn't make it OK to prioritize only his own well-being. Plus he's learned some very maladaptive ways of coping over the years that mean he presents some level of risk to his children. We can recognize that people ARE damaged by their childhood and feel sympathy for their struggle to overcome this, without that meaning we have to accept shit from them. If it were me, a minimum for even considering continuing to support him and his involvement with the children would be that he actively seeks help to work on his considerable issues (and that's assuming no OW, which you think there is).

You need to do whatever you think is most likely to lead to the best future for you and your DC. But given his difficult emotions around fatherhood and apparently childlike, self-absorbed coping style I wouldn't assume he'll have the self-awareness not to ask for 50:50. Documenting your concerns around his parenting was good advice.

You need to see a solicitor this week, OP.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

God I’m so sorry op - some men are just shit! Get a lawyer and take control of the narrative here. Do what needs to be done to protect yourself and your kids. His issues are his, you have done enough.

What a self absorbed twat he is.
Ghastly.

WTAF? Only gay men can have facials?!

So he doesn't have MH problems, he's just rewriting history to feel sorry for him and he doesn't get to care for his children, only for himself. Refuse to sell the house. He can take you to court if he wants, it can drag for ages but there are small children involved who should not get homeless.

There is always another woman, they don't leave until they have found a replacement or at least know they can get a replacement.

What an absolute fucking scumbag
’ He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’.
No, you have kids you selfish wanker. That was your decision and now your priority. How dare he!!

Godawful childhood, zero knowledge about what a father is, ( Leaving him to take care of our then 2 year old alone for days at a time clearly came as a dreadful shock despite wanting a second child), smothering and weird relationship with his mother, an abuse survivor, mentally unstable...

He's clearly chasing an OW - she may not be part of this, may have no idea, may be trying to get away from him. But IF she's complicit in this then she's going to find out what he's really like, and yes, you can blame her for not using her ability to say NO ...

What a mess. Some of it terribly sad, these things that were done to him and deprived him of the chance to become a functioning adult.

And some of it utterly selfish adolescent prickery.

I agree you are better off without.

You and your children have RIGHTS. Do not let him or his mother try to tell you what they are.

Get angry and see a solicitor and find out what they are.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

He doesn't want to be with his existing kids though as he wants to look for new love, so probably not that

Yep, what an absolute scumbag.

OP, you have a lot of support on these boards xxx

money

You mention you have no money.

Do you have a job?

Is there a mortgage?

Is the house rented?

Do not move out yourself.

You have children he has abandoned. He has responsibilities which he will try to wriggle out of.

Please call a solicitor today for a free consultation to begin working through.

You are married - you and the children have rights. Start with that knowledge.

And investigate what benefits you may be entitled to.

record everything

Keep detailed records of everything. Write it ALL down.

Screenshot and keep every text, email, message, letter, whatever.

Journal every interaction, every in person or phone conversation. Recording phone calls. But better keep things in writing.

Note every instance of unreasonable or worrying behaviour - you're concerned about leaving him and his mother alone with the children, and you may need this.

Also note every time you've been reasonable, accomodating, offered visits etc as you mentioned earlier.

You'd be amazed how history can be rewritten to suit.

Yes, whatever you do, don't leave the house!

Yea but are you implying that if a man gets a facial, then they must be gay? Surely you see what's wrong with that.

I believe he is a narcissist and they have a victim mentality. He wouldn’t see another woman because of a messed up (if you believe him) childhood. My OH is one of 3 siblings and he believes he was abused by SD and neither of the others see it this way. He plays on his childhood to become the victim and excuse his terrible behaviour. I think one day you will realise the universe did you a favour getting this man out of your life. I bet he doesn’t tell his Mum about the abuse because she will know it maybe didn’t happen.

This, this, this.
He deserves to be someone's priority, my arse. He has two tiny children and needs to grow the fuck up.
I completely understand that blindsided feeling OP (currently divorcing the twat who did that to me). But you will get through this.
Put yourself and the children first. You'll need a core of steel, a calm head and good legal advice but you will get through this. He needs to supports the children properly. Crucially, don't agree to anything for a quiet life if it's against your interests. A good solicitor will help you navigate it all.

Get angry.

Get realistic supportive advice.

All the very best, OP. You'll all be better off free of him.

Firstly, he's a selfish prick to think he can just opt out of his duties as a father! I'd wipe the floor with him financially (although that doesn't help you right now).
Secondly, suspected OW is pregnant ...... are you sure it isn't his?!
I'm so sorry this poor excuse of a man is treating you and your children so appallingly

Exactly!!!! He wouldn’t be able to do that if what he is saying is true. He wants to leave you with 2 small children and have no repercussions!!! You need to get angry quickly and believe what others are telling you! He’s used you, ring child maintenance today, ring a solicitor today, get the divorce rolling today! Show him you are strong! He has humiliated and used you, make him think ‘shit, I didn’t realise she was this strong.’ Good luck xxx

Sorry but you say the ow is pregnant with someone else ?
How do you know it's someone else or have I picked it up wrong.