Husband left me with 3yo and 8m baby

[Littletreeboots]

As the title says. And I’m blindsided - came out the blue and he has stated he wants a divorce asap and has moved out to his mothers immediately. He initially blamed it on his mental health and now has done the old ‘love but not in love and I need to prioritise myself’. I am broken. Our 3 yo is so confused and our baby was born premature so we have had a really rough time. He swears there isn’t another woman but I can’t see after a decade how you could randomly up and leave and not really give any full explanation as to why you feel the way you do. I’m really struggling. I live near him and his family and nobody is coming to visit or help me. All my married friends are just like be friends for the kids. I’ve offered him free access to the kids in our family home and said he can see them whenever. He’s seen them once so far in 10 days - he’s managed to go out with his friends and have a haircut and facial though. Help please :(

I know, my ex husband was my first boyfriend and I met him when I was 12, straight out of a convent school. I have dependency issues too. But you do get stronger and realise although he will have a place in your heart probably till you die, in reality having him back n god forbid having sex again will always be a do I don't I thing. It is very very hard. I struggle with it still today. Xxxxx

I'm sorry your going through this, my ex cheated on me, but denied it all until he felt "in love"
It does get easier, it really does, the impact on your children is something he will have to live with for the rest of his days.

Take care of yourself x

Lets get one thing clear OP. he doesn't have MH issues. he has selfish bastard issues. he can get facials, see his mates, live his best life..... thats not MH. He isn't curled up on his mums sofa depressed, he is out playing single guy because he can't be arsed with any responsibility.
He does not give a shit about his kids because he has already told you he would prioritise his shitty mates over them.
That is NOT a good dad. It isn't even a good man. Its the worst kind there is. and he is guilt tripping you to boot to make you think his 'issues' are your fault.
he has no bloody issues. If he thinks moving in with his mother will help him be a better father to his kids, he is at best deluded, at worst using it as an excuse to be a single arsehole.
What a piece of shit.
I get its hard, he is your familiar, the person you thought had your back.
he very clearly does not.
You need to re-phrase him in your head. He isn't the person you fell in love with. he is a selfish prick who thinks only of himself and doesn't care how hurt you and his little children are. Mourn the person you think he was. And think, if you met him for the first time now, would you want him? I'll bet the answer is no.
There may well have been another woman. She has probably told him to bugger off.
Which is what you need to do.
Do you want a man like that in your life? In your childrens life?
Imagine in a couple of years time and he just continuously swans in and out of your kids lives, letting them down because 'he needs to get pissed with his mates instead'.
You are stronger than you think and you deserve a million times more than that. So do your children.

Tell him if his MH is so bloody bad, he can get therapy and once he has done that you will consider talking to him about seeing the kids.
Because at the moment all he will do is fuck with their heads, aswell as yours.

What a lovely message. Thank you.
sounds like you’ve done a grand job with your boys. I can only hope he doesn’t rub off too my on my kids. They spent 80% of there time with me alone anyway even when we were together. And I must say my daughter is a lot calmer now he’s left the household. She’s way more chill and seems happier. So as much as I can grieve the life I thought I had, I know deep down in my gut, this is right. X

Thank you. he is starting EDMR next week. However he has no idea what EDMR is and just booked it because I sent a email and it was the closest therapist to home, he doesn’t know how to think for himself whatsoever. He doesn’t seem ready to engage either, he thinks someone’s going to fix him. Unfortunately he’s now being enabled left right and centre by family and friends who also have questionable morales - I know I have to move on, my mom disowned me and I clung onto him, I’ve never learnt to live on my own. But now is the time to learn what I like, and be me, not a wife and not just a mother. My kids however are my world, and they are all I’ve ever wanted. And I will protect them always - no matter who that upsets.

EMDR is for trauma and very effective but if you don’t engage with the therapist it won’t work. Anyone who turns up at therapy for show is wasting time and money.
But that’s not your problem it’s his.
Your dad sounds wonderful. I know he wants to take you in but I think it would be great for you to have your own place nearby to him if you can afford it.
You can build your life for the first time without being held back.
Leave the man child to his performances, because that’s what they are.
It is horrible now but over time you and your children will thrive.

Good for you, you go for it. You are strong and single minded, which I deduced from this single response. I'm very proud of you. Well done. You are starting to see the wood from the trees. Having children will always point you in the right direction, moral code and decisions. Please realise what is happening to you, your perception is changing, and it will benefit you all from now on. Well done again. Sending much love and support. Xxx

He has a lot of trauma. But also he has no idea how a normal adult functions. So he needs a lot more than just EDMR. But he really is very immature. I’ll never knock him as househelp and he did really seem to love the kids. But I think it’s all got too much and he’s ran away.

I can’t afford to private rent until I get my equity out the house. So I’m waiting for that now. Until then I have the family home x

@Littletreeboots his trauma is his to deal with now. And he will just keep dumping it on others if he doesn’t deal with it.
Just the fact that your daughter is responding well to this new environment is great news. Children are very perceptive.
I am thinking of my own dad, trying to imagine him going off to be babysat by his mum and going for a sauna - my grandmother would have given him what for and told him to be a father.

Yep. If I went home and told my dad I was done and I’m moving in because I’m not Inlove anymore and was leaving my husband and kids he would drive me back home and tell me to sort my life out. One thing I do have is very strong traditional morales. Marriage is very important to me, I don’t believe you walk away without trying unless there’s red flags. In hindsight, I should have walked away and my husband was a huge red flag all along. Rose tinted glasses

Well done, your thought are very realistic and positive. You have to be very honest with yourself and it really hurts. I'm a 63 year old grandmother now. My boys, I often feel, are too good for this world, (this sounds a bit arrogant I know), and the bustards living in it. I'm so happy and proud and honest I raised them like I did. When they were teenagers, my boys thought they had to behave like the other horrible boys in the neighbourhood, who were bullies, ferral and tearaways. I immediately put them straight, and encouraged them to be the gentle sensitive, kind individuals they are. Most of them boys ended up in sticky situations, ie. in jail, on drugs for years, alcoholics, leaving lots of children with different mothers fatherless, or permanently unemployed. I see them in the street, so do my boys, and they look at them and think 'serves you right'.
Continue being your lovely kind honest self to them. They will turn out well rounded adults in the end and you will wonder, ad I did, how you got through the he'll and managed to raise such lovely children,. Much love to you. Xxx

@Littletreeboots

Never learned to live on your own?
You are gonna like it, kids will be alright!
🍀😉

OP I haven’t read the last two or three pages of thread but I hope you’ve got a solicitor to help you sort this wally out and get rid.

I have no advice but just wanted to say how brave and smart you are. It must be absolutely gutting to have put your heart and soul into someone who has turned out to be so unworthy of you. If only he could learn from the way you've handled your trauma.

Take all those strong values, the insight and empathy you have, the love for your kids and go and build a brilliant future for the three of you. Your Dad sounds like he's coming into his own, take his support and don't be afraid to reach out to others as-well. You'll be surprised how many people / which people will want to help in your circumstances.

Leave yoir weak, immature and irresponsible stbxh in the rear view mirror, expect nothing from him and put all that disappointment and hurt into securing the best future for your little family.

Good luck, I have a feeling you're going to be absolutely fine. 💕

You mentioned you'd been together since you were children, so neither ever really had the chance to grow up and mature as independent adults, to live the single life. That's unfortunate - but can't be changed.

Both of you came from difficult, unhappy backgrounds. You've experienced the consequences of two lost children finding each other, clinging together.

Now something's happened - as in, another responsibility and tie-down in the form of a second child he claimed to want - and he's cracked.

So your goal, your hard road, must be to ensure your own children have as stable, calm, happy and supported lives as you can possibly give them, to break this pattern.

If there is no abuse, facilitating contact with their dad is wise, and will head off any accusations of parental alienation from him or his family, and 'you never let me see my dad' accusations when they're older.

I hope you've seen the solicitor and have a solid grasp of your rights and your property.

I'd advise get back to work as soon as you can as and when it fits your childcare - income, savings, pension and self esteem will matter.

I have nothing meaningful to ads to this thread, you probably were already given sensible advice.

I just want to express what a MASSIVE TWAT your ex is.

I agree with the above.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this whilst on maternity leave OP, that's just not fair.
It sounds like you grew up and he's still a teenager.
It occurs to me that with him spending so much time out and about on activities with his mates... that must have cost the household budget a pretty penny.
Just wanted to add, make sure you protect yourself financially. You need the freedom to make your own decisions without an irresponsible person who puts their own needs ahead of their children, chipping in or commenting.
there's probably a lot of advice online but I'd guess it would be useful to have a credit check and make sure that he hasn't been running up c card debts or doing things that could harm your own credit rating.
Change your passwords, new email address, own accounts etc.. make a will.
It's great that you have reliable support from your Dad. It will work out for the best in the end.

Very true duckbilledsplatter. My exh had run up a debt on our joint current account. It was spent, I later found out from our bank statement, on meals and days out entertaining his girlfriend. The real gutting thing is, because the bank had no forwarding address for him, and at the time I had no idea where he was living I, YES REPEAT I, who was living in income support now with my 2 babies, had to repay the debt because the bank had no idea of HIS whereabout. PLEASE ACT QUICKLY. Don't leave yourself vulnerable, drowning in his debt. Debtors don't care about who racked up the debt when couples have joint responsibility to the bank account, credit cards etc. I don't want to frighten or panic you any more than you are traumatised by him leaving already. But please make this a priority. Lots of love to you. Xxx

No one has the right to force you to live your life in a way you don't want, or to make you live it to their values and opinions.

You get ONE life and it is too long to spend it being unhappy.

I’ve forced no one. They are my values, however maybe if more people adopted the same values and morales we wouldn’t have so many children in broken homes. Life isn’t a bed of roses

It does seem to be men who find it really easy to just leave their kids though. People shouldn't remain in relationships that don't make them happy, but for a grown man to just shrug off all his responsibilities to his children, move back to his mum's and start living the single life is selfish and childish.

It definitely seems men can leave their children more easily knowing they are safe and nurtured with mums.

I would do absolutely anything than ever ever leave my kids, it would be agony

This. I would put my own feelings behind me 10x to have stayed with my kids everyday. It’s commonly men who have this warped idea of what love is and isn’t, and when they don’t get the attention post kids that they had pre kids, they leave or find someone else.