Advice please...found corner of condom packet in my bedroom

[GetridofStuff]

Hi I haven't posted here before, please be kind! I just don't have anyone to talk to about this. I found the corner of a condom packet on the windowsill of my bedroom this afternoon. It is the same colour as the ones we keep in a bedside drawer. Photos attached. I just don't know where it could have come from. DH and I haven't had sex for over 2 years and the last couple of times we tried he had ED. I said he could get help from GP but in all that time he never did anything about it. We haven't talked about it and I just assumed he wasn't bothered or attracted to me anymore. Just been bumbling along with life, we get on most of the time. Been married 30 years, 3 kids who have lots of issues so it's often stressful. In our mid 50s, I am of course perimenopausal so haven't felt like sex for a long time. Although I do think about it, just not about having it with him!
Anyway been trying to think how this thing got there, the window was open earlier, could it have blown in but it just seems too much of a coincidence that it is exactly the colour of the condoms we used to use! Please tell me honestly what you think. Honestly can't believe am asking strangers on the internet but don't want to ask him about it yet.

Hey op sorry some of the witches on here have nothing better to do then stir the pot, very miserable people no doubt. Hope you get it sorted . Just because you haven't had sex in 2 years does not equate to you not being allowed to worry about an affair ! X

Read the thread.

A number of men have already admitted it on here. Perhaps quote their posts and tell them all about how it doesn’t exist. I mean being a woman you would know more about them than they do obviously.

@Curtainqueen
Even the way you have phrased that shows how little you know about men and their sexual habits.

That was a reply to Alice (not curtain)

I feel like I need to do a poll on whether a posh wank is a thing or not just to shut this argument down
But many thanks to those who have taken the time to comment. I really just wanted to see what people think they would do in this situation. Many have said I should just ask him. So I may do tonight. Will update if I am strong enough.

Best of luck, hope it all works out for you.

I hope you find the strength to ask him. If you don’t, you will always wonder. And maybe this is what is needed to get you two really talking again and working on your marriage.

You mentioned ED and drinking a lot - you specifically mentioned a night at a hotel when this happened - could his ED just be when he’s drank to excess? Maybe it’s the drinking he needs to get under control, not the ED?

At the minute you don’t sound happy at all, so maybe it’s worth asking him about the wrapper, regardless of what the outcome is, because something needs to change. Can you face another 30-40 years with him like this?

OP this has turned into an absolute pantomime, ffs ask the man! There's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation

I'd be a bit careful about taking a kind of majority vote on what to do from this thread. It doesn't sound like there is any rush, except that of course you want answers.

If you are going to raise it, I thought the suggestion of putting it back where you found it and showing him was potentially a good one. Possibly more chance of a moment of honest reaction.

Good luck op 💐

How kind of you to highlight that for me.

I see it's turned into a 'who knows the most about men' thread.

You clearly don't know much about MN as there is no proof that the 'men' you refer to are actually men!

What is 'posh' about wanking into a condom?
Hilarious.

I'm genuinely not here to wind anyone up or pretend to be expert on all men. But, like many others on these boards and in life, I do seek to understand human psychology and behaviour and I do develop generalised views.
In general, I think cheating men and women are not necessarily terrible people who have chosen to betray everything they hold true, or should be struck down for doing so, but fallible humans who may have entered a sexual relationship for many reasons or circumstances, and might have a range of feelings about it. Some of those reasons might include wanting some human touch and validation that they are likeable.
Also many people are able to compartmentalise an extracurricular relationship, whatever it consists of, from their other life responsibilities, and genuinely love and respect their partner.
So faced with the fact of a condom wrapper and a longtime couple in a sexless marriage I jumped to the obvious conclusion - he's using condoms because he's having sex. (she said she's not and I find the teenagers explanation unlikely.)
As stated, I don't think this means he doesn't love and even respect his wife. Yes I think men who love and respect their wives might still have sex with someone else.
I think the fact they haven't had sex in a long time could add to his sense that it's not as awful as it otherwise might be. "Green light" was strong to say, but based on my efforts to understand human thinking, I can see where your partner not being interested might make you justify it just that little bit more that it becomes feasible, and happens.
I think the ED is a red herring because men can have a very different reaction in a new situation, as can women. Also OP please don't think I am unsympathetic - I would be similarly frightened to rock my world - but you also said some things that make it sound like you don't really like him or respect him that much at this stage. That is honest of you but what it suggests to me is that neither of you are stuck in time in some idealised marraige. You are both in the marriage you are in right now and it may not be that satisfying to either of you. Best wishes.

Husband could possibly just be opening an out of date condom to see what happens to out of date items giving them a stretch to see if they break, & could have flushed down the toilet.
As for posh wank, this sounds like more of a fetish some men may have.

@AliceThroughtheLookingGlasses

I wasn't pointing that out to you.

And I didn't invent the phrase so I've no idea.

OP has asked him about it. She said:

'I had tried to talk about it with him gently each time and encouraged him to see his GP. I am a doctor myself and know ED can be a sign of other health issues. But he hasn't looked for any answers and I stopped saying anything.'

So it's hardly wilful ignorance. However, even if she hadn't asked him about it, if he had got help but didn't tell her, that is absolute not a green light for him to have sex with other women.

As a (married) guy I will use a condom when using a toy to make the experience more realistic when playing hands free, I also enjoy using one to make it harder to climax and prolong a wank from time to time - both things are pretty indulgent and therefore posh to me!

I also heard the term posh wank well over 20 years ago, it absolutely isn't a new thing.

Christ, now you’ve done it! they'll be back on here telling you don't, and reigniting the posh wank debate 😂

No no, you're imagining this. Didn't you see, some random on the internet says that NOONE has a posh wank so you must be mistaken 😂

@Whatabouthow he's clearly delusional 🤣

Opening a condom by ripping a small corner off makes no sense to me. Its been a long time since I've used one....so would it actually come out of the small gap of that size?
Can you remember his method of tearing the packet? Would he (as someone that was used to using them) not have torn all across the top off?
Hopefully, this is someone else with access to the household or some other innocent explanation.

(Ps...its been 9 years for me & my partner. He also hasn't seeked help/support & I've just given up!!)

Actually this is a really good point. I'd say if you wrench it out of a small hole you're less worried about damaging it so less likely to be using it for protection?

OP - I think the likelihood is that he’s used a condom with someone else.

As that part of your relationship isn’t active, it might be wise to ask yourself do you actually want to know the truth and how will you react if you knew he’d slept with someone else.

I know I’ve got friends who turn a blind eye because they prefer the current domestic set up to divorce.

Your post hits hard. Have been asking myself these questions all evening. I am frozen with indecision. That probably seems pathetic to most of you on this thread but there we are.

This makes me laugh.

Everyone here is a 'random on the internet' 😂

Except some posters think some of us are more random than others.

Hilarious.

And not everyone who posts saying they are a man, is actually a man.
Or a woman.

Or posting the truth.

This is not aimed at the poster who said the used condoms with toys, but a general point.

You could put it back on the windowsill, or even somewhere else in the bedroom where he'll see it and when /if he notices, observe what he does. That way you're not directly raising it with him but might get answers and / or his reaction might help you decide what you want to do (ie; find out more or not).