Advice please...found corner of condom packet in my bedroom

[GetridofStuff]

Hi I haven't posted here before, please be kind! I just don't have anyone to talk to about this. I found the corner of a condom packet on the windowsill of my bedroom this afternoon. It is the same colour as the ones we keep in a bedside drawer. Photos attached. I just don't know where it could have come from. DH and I haven't had sex for over 2 years and the last couple of times we tried he had ED. I said he could get help from GP but in all that time he never did anything about it. We haven't talked about it and I just assumed he wasn't bothered or attracted to me anymore. Just been bumbling along with life, we get on most of the time. Been married 30 years, 3 kids who have lots of issues so it's often stressful. In our mid 50s, I am of course perimenopausal so haven't felt like sex for a long time. Although I do think about it, just not about having it with him!
Anyway been trying to think how this thing got there, the window was open earlier, could it have blown in but it just seems too much of a coincidence that it is exactly the colour of the condoms we used to use! Please tell me honestly what you think. Honestly can't believe am asking strangers on the internet but don't want to ask him about it yet.

@GetridofStuff how awful that you booked a night away and he ruined it getting drunk, Your husband sounds like a functioning alcoholic ( apart from his penis). Of course it affected your self esteem as he diesng sound like a man who would apologise for getting drunk or apologising and making it up to you. The more you write, the worse it gets - for me the condom wrapper has become secondary to the main issue, which is how he treats you :(

I don't know. I feel like I'm going crazy. I mean I went through the bins earlier! If he is seeing someone else I wish he had just ended our marriage first.

It almost feels like many people on here will settle for nothing less than an affair because they want their biases against men to be proven right for their own validation, which is quite a sad reflection on the sort of men they have invested in themselves.

Emptying pockets seems the most likely thing. Those condoms still have that same colour wrapper, so it could be a new one. Although why he would have the packet corner in his pocket is beyond me.

That evening started off so lovely, us chatting and having a nice meal but I could just see where it was heading as I watched him drink. Of course I wanted us to reconnect and have sex, there was a certain expectation as staying in hotel (no adult kids around awake at all hours). Just disappointing and I think I kind of gave up after that unfortunately.
I don't want you to think though that he is an awful person, mostly we get along fine and are a team when it comes to our children usually.

You do seem to be pursing your own agenda here, rather relentlessly.

This seems the mostly likely explanation to me too judging on where I found it. But yeah no idea why it would be in his pocket.

Thinking of asking him tomorrow.

😂 of course nobody else is eh?!

There have been some wonderfully supportive threads on Relationships. I think you’ve just been a bit unlucky. You should be able to be frank and vulnerable on here without some of the unhelpful scolding and derailing you’ve had tonight. Insightful challenges from posters, where appropriate, is completely different.

Totally understand that you can’t help but focus on the condom wrapper right now, but eventually, it’s going to be really vital to address this:

I do think sometimes about what would happen if we split up and I just feel waves of panic. My life is stressful and I can't bear the idea of facing stuff alone.

You might want to start a fresh thread when things are clearer. You can even change your username to do so.

I think returning to the beginning based solely on a fragment of the wrapper found on a window ledge, putting all the speculation and fevered imaginations aside for a moment, right now I would probably be holding my fire. I would need something more concrete than that to be reliably jumping to any other conclusions just in case there is an outside chance of something less sinister. Once I found that further piece of the puzzle then I would be going down that avenue.

Thank you for this lovely comment. Honestly some of the replies have hurt me but I guess that is not unexpected considering I posted a picture of a condom packet. At least It has been helpful to write stuff down and spend some time thinking about and not avoiding the issue.x

Truly do try not to take any comments personally - there are so many posters on here just looking to put the boot in or project their own issues onto anything that resonates with them. It has got worse in recent years. I've been around off and on for ages and have learnt lots from some amazing posters on Relationships, but it is more hit or miss these days.

I really hope there is a less sinister explanation. And would have no idea where or how to look for any concrete evidence anyway. I am reeling backwards and forwards between asking him tomorrow or just leaving it for now.

@GetridofStuff i thought what happened that night to you was awful …. Not that he is awful. Though I do think after that he should have seen his error that night, I agree, expectation of staying in hotel = sex to me too! I don’t blame you for kind of giving up after that. I am glad in general your relationship is good.
re Comdom wrapper - if you ask him, you do think you will be able to gauge from his reaction if he’s lying,?
I hope you can find some peace. One thing I would say if that if you really do not want to rock your family life like you’ve said above, you could just leave it. However, think this would eventually eat away at you. Do what you think is best for you, take care x

You're absolutely not crazy for questioning this, I for one would have certainly have concerns if I saw this and would be running through all the possible - wild as they might seem - scenarios for an explanation.

Whatever the reason, I'd reframe this as the catalyst to address those issues in your family / relationship it sounds like you've been avoiding. Whether you feel you've got the strength now, or need more time to gather yourself to address them - I think this has surfaced some things you probably can't continue to ignore (which you have been for good reason, life sounds incredibly stressful and it easy to feel like you just need to keep going).

You describe being a good team - but in terms that sound like survival, rather than a fulfilling relationship? You don't deserve to have to live with this hanging over you:

"I do think sometimes about what would happen if we split up and I just feel waves of panic. My life is stressful and I can't bear the idea of facing stuff alone".

I'd work through what you actually want - to try and salvage things with your husband, addressing his ED, drinking etc. Or to face whether you're putting up with a marriage you've 'given up on' (even if that's just the sex) because of your fear of going to alone. If it's the latter, I'd think long and hard about what 'going it alone' could look like -the pros, cons and mitigations you might be able to put in place to give you support in different forms.

You're clearly a smart, capable and caring person - you will be ok. 💕

In his mum’s bedroom?

No it isn't.

My first thought was this too.

Surely the agony of speculation is far worse than knowing the truth OP?

You're an adult woman, a doctor you've said, so you're intelligent, presumably working and have a salary. Whatever the reason for this, and even if it means your marriage is on the rocks- you'll survive.

In your shoes I'd put the wrapper back where it was. I'd tell him you wanted to show him something and lead him to it.

You have to be straight forward about it all and wait to see what happens.

if he was using for a “posh wank”, then why didn’t he use the out of date ones next to his bed side drawer. It would not have mattered them being out of date in this instance ….

There's no such thing as a posh wank. I'm long in the tooth, 'lived a bit' and have never heard this till it was on MN.
Men don't wank wearing a condom. Why would they? A tissue does the job .

Sounds like the condom is the tip of the iceberg in your relationship. It may have been DC. But Maybe it's time to think about the future.

I don't see a man staying in a relationship with no sex forever. So things will change at some point. Probably once his dick works again. Which will probably be after he goes to his GP with other health issues due to drinking. Why wait for that, find out what you're entitled to do you know.

I imagine that if he's escaping to the pub it sounds like he doesn't want to be around the house and inability to cope with SEN is sadly a reason as I know a husband who is like that with his SEN DC. Avoids this care responsibility at all costs. Thinks it's womens work. Prick. So I don't imagine he will want much to do with DC if you split up? So you'd have full custody?

Maybe now is the time to ask the council again what clubs or daycare is available now for your SEN children.

Them speak to shelter or the citizens advice about what you could be entitled to in the event of a split. And importantly, to make sure you're up to date now with claiming all benefits you're currently entitled to, as well as finding out how much you'd get if you split.

They may give you hope of a better future. There are many threads in here about the relentless nature of caring for SEN kids. Perhaps there could be advice and hope there.

You need to have them somewhere safe so you can work. My friend actually ended up working part time and is better off on benefits as a single mum that when she was married. Surprisingly.

You could start another thread or change username if you don't want any home to see this one.

I hope it works out for you.

Another woman who thinks they know everything about men

How do you know he didn’t?

😂

And you?

You know more than us?😂

Tell me, why would a man wank into a condom? It takes more time, less sensation and if they're worried about spraying semen all over, there are things called tissues.