Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

Is he depressed when he's fishing and gaming or just when you want to be " family " xx

It's interesting that his poor mental health doesn't prevent him from doing his hobbies, isn't it?

Nothing will change. Honestly, you will both be happier divorced.

Call him out. Let him down tools. Show him how little he does and how little you need him.

Exactly. He says he does it to help improve his mental health.

I don't deny his depression. I've seen him when he is really low and can't get out of bed.

But sometimes I think it's a convenient excuse.

He is taking medication for it. Forgot to add that.

I don't want that. I do actually love him. I just don't think love is enough right now.

Ps: I have a similar husband. It was when I stopped trying to involve him and just lived a separate life that he suddenly stepped up because he realised I was preparing to leave. Things are pretty good with us now (but it's early days... I'm still not sure of our long term future)

Is he getting help for said depression?

It sounds more like opting out of family life and household chores o he can facilitate his hobbies. Why are you staying with him?

Come on OP, open your eyes. He's not depressed, two years into your relationship he found an excuse to disengage from family life and do what he wants.

No, I'm sorry but I dispute that.

I do not deny his depression. But it is not a excuse to completely check out is it?

Is he possibly an undiagnosed Neurodiverse?

What do you love about him?
He doesn't love you enough to step up, does he?

My husband has suffered from depression for many, many years. Some days are worse than others. However, he has always been 100% committed and involved with the kids and family life.

This is going to be your future OP. He isn't going to be miraculously cured. It also sounds like his depression is selective. He basically doesn't like married'/family life and he's telling you in no uncertain terms. Time to believe him before another 12 years rolls by. You really will reach a point where you you'll despise him rather than love him.

He only cannot cope with life if it doesn’t involve fishing or gaming. How pathetic. How can you love a man like that? He is taking the piss and picking a fight when you challenge his behaviour. Why did you need to tell him about the dump run - he can see it mounting up just as well as you can. Perhaps you should consider your future with this man child.

I think so yes. But he doesn't like that idea and so won't pursue a diagnosis.

@Doloresparton his sense of humor, he is handsome, he can be very kind, he loves our two boys and they adore him, we like a lot of the same things, we had or hope we still have a vision of the same future.

I just don't think he's pulling in the same direction anymore.

Of course you dispute it; you've put up with it for ten years.

He has just stropped off slamming doors to do the dump run and now I feel like I want to cry.

What does he even like about me?

He’s got used to you accepting his BS and it’s time you made it clear that those days are over. He can either step the fuck up or you will fuck the fuck off, the time is now because you are fast approaching the time where splitting up will be your preferred solution.

I feel for you. Maybe you should down tools to show him how much he doesn't do?

Or keep a log of every single little thing you do over a week - including the mental load of planning, remembering, emailing, reminding him that he needs to take stuff to the dump.

Just what I was going to say.

@CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets - get out now. It is almost certain that you WILL regret if you don't.

If you have severe depression you can’t get out of bed.
If you manage depression with a hobby, like fishing, then that should leave you time with people you love to connect and be there.
Don’t doubt his depression but he’s now using it to punish you. He’s checked out of family life and treating you like shit.
Jobs have to be done in a house whether it’s cleaning a toilet or doing a tip run. Nobody wakes up and thinks I can’t wait to do a load of shitty household tasks today.
But we do them, and doing them as a team is what counts.
He is rude and abrasive and you either call him out or make plans to separate. You deserve better.

Perhaps you should try a trial separation and see if you are happier without each other. If anything, it might be a wake up call.

Leave or ask him to. This is not a practice ... you have only one life, live it!