Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

He sounds lazy tbh.

I read this on every thread where there is a useless, careless, unloving, miserable husband

And I will never, ever understand it

Depression is a tough one because some days are indeed worse than others. I have suffered with it for 10 years and sometimes certain things feel manageable while others don't. However certain things need doing whether I like it or not and (with the exception of times when I have been extremely unwell, and you would know if that was the case with him) I have to step up and do them.

Perhaps some therapy would be a good place to start? I know NHS waiting lists are long but how would he feel about that idea? His response to getting support might tell you all you need to know.

What do you even like about him?

He tried that earlier last year. Gave up 3 sessions in because he "doesn't know what to say"

Not much right now.

I think you're the one who needs to down tools like OP.

Or rather, such hobbies should be helping his mental health, so he needs as a minimum to explore other solutions too.

But yeah, I'm sceptical.

I can't down tools. I have two children that deserve a clean home, clean clothes, food in the cupboards and dinner on the table.

Maybe instead of him threatening you with downing tools, take note of what you see him doing vs what you do. This way you actually have a fair assessment of what done.

Particularly take note of times you've asked him to do things, gotten a snippy reply, and had to do them yourself.

Gather evidence

It shows doesn't it that he was happy to down tools because as far as he can see, the impact would only be on me. No sense of responsibility to the children.

He’s not depressed. He’s just not that into you.

@LostittoBostik how did you do that? I’m at a similar point with my DH. Sick of being a single parent in a married household. I’d pretty much come to the same conclusion yesterday and have begun thinking about practicalities.

If I were you I'd be taking the kids for a walk to the park whilst he's off on the dump run, get yourself some head space and not give him the satisfaction of stropping back into the house as well ❤️

He's trying to point score with you. If he lived alone he'd have to do grocery shopping and chores like everyone else. He's a grown man and he needs to do his share.

This is no life for you.

This can’t be what you want for yourself? How old are your children?

And there it is.

Husband is a disengaged, lazy arse hole so he must be neurodivergent.

Some people are just lazy arseholes. They don't need a diagnosis.

Well there’s 2 issues: 1. His depression and 2. His strategy for disengagement. They’re not necessarily related. Many depressed people take full part in family life. Many men who ate not depressed try to avoid their families.

OP I'm depressed lots of people are and whilst it can be different for each person it's not a case that you can just check out of family life and do whatever you want.

Sorry but he is taking the pish and you both know it. Are you sure you love him? Or is it the old him from 12y ago you love? How can you love someone that doesnt care if you are miserable or how the children get by?

How do you love him? What is loveable about him .

People seem to forget you can have poor mental health, be ND etc....and also be a twat.

Yesterday, mine tidied the kitchen and bleached the sink. Rare, but I thought he was helping because we were going out for DD’s birthday. Then he got out his home brewing kit and started making cider. I would happily have divorced him on the spot, or worse.

Thanks, that's a really kind thing to say.

This is relationships not AIBU. There's no need to be a dick to someone who is already upset.

What does your H think single parents do when they are depressed? I had a few years of depression. I still had to go to work, get DS to school and make sure the house was in order.
CPTSD didn't stop my legs and hands working. You can only afford to do nothing if someone else is picking up the slack which you are. He would probably have more motivation to improve if you separated.
I'd have divorced him by now - is he doing anything at all to help himself like being referred to a psych.

You can't fix him.

The way I read your post op is that he is ‘depressed’ only when given any responsibility to do with the family or general running of the house. If he was so depressed that he couldn’t function doing normal day to day tasks then he most likely would be too depressed to go fishing or do his gaming too.

I’m sure he has some form of depression but as a pp said, if it was so bad then he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed.
I think he’s just using depression as an excuse not to have to do family time or chores. Maybe you should claim you are too depressed to his cooking, cleaning etc and stop carrying him around like a child! Only wash your own clothes, leave his well alone. Then I would be planning how to leave his sorry arse!