Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

So many depressed women - holding down jobs, running homes, raising kids
So many depressed men - some of them working. All holding down hobbies

Oddly enough, DH always manages to find time for his hobbies. They’re essential for his MH.

It's not kind, but it is true.

He does not care about you or needs, at all. You have no real relationship. I'm sorry you're upset but you need to accept your reality and so something about it.

Hmm well when mine sets in badly my hobbies are the first thing that go out the window because I have to prioritise the basics.

I’m not being a dick. Nothing you said sounds like depression. He’s is living a full and happy life according to his priorities.

So wash their clothes and make their dinner and yours too. Just don’t do it for him…. Because you’re too ‘depressed’… because you can switch depression on and off depending on what’s on the agenda for the day - chores or hobbies.

In 10 years he doesn't seem to have made a great effort to improve his health, refuses to pursue diagnosis for ND, stopped therapy after 3 sessions,disappears every evening and day off.

I have been him, incredibly low and suicidal at one point for 2 years, but I did everything I could to get help, even got the ND diagnosis in the end.

The lack of responsibility for his health and checking out at every opportunity would be the deal breaker. He will keep taking and taking because that's his "solution" to his unhappiness.

Has he ever missed a lot of fishing days or gaming hours because he is too depressed to get out of bed or off the sofa to go and do them?
Actual depression would mean he’d be missing out on those things just as much as missing his chores and family responsibilities and days with you. So, does he miss those things?

I’m sorry to say this but he isn’t depressed, not really. He is maybe… fed up of family life. He doesn’t want that kind of life. He doesn’t want you or the kids or the responsibility that comes with it. If he could go live on his own as a single man and the freedom to fish and game and hang out with whoever he chooses whenever he wants, I’d bet there wouldn’t be any sign of depression.

This is simply a man who doesn’t want family life, and whenever you ask or expect him to do anything related to family chores, he reacts like this… because then, you’re less likely to ask again. It’s what half the men on the planet seem to do. He is controlling you into doing everything because asking him is more trouble for you due to his reaction.

This isn’t depression. He just doesn’t want family life.

I've lived with depression all my life, at my worst I still got out of bed and did what had to be done because... it had to be done. At my worst I didn't even want to go look after my animals who were my lifeline.
Is he ever too depressed to go fishing?

Sorry, but I think you need to offer an ultimatum, he needs to do something to improve his mental health or you will have to live apart.
Ten years is long enough to find the best meds for him, giving up on therapy after 3 sessions isn't really trying, he has to want to get better and honestly sounds like he's become settled in his life as is.

Huge part of depression is often losing interest in hobbies. Hes not depressed he just doesn’t want to take part in family life

Honest to God who are these mothers who raise these lazy, good for nothing shirkers!
Clearly we’ve allowed their fathers to set appalling examples to male children by enabling bad habits.

Dump the sorry assed fathers.

We need to look to our laurels ladies to think we allow our sons to treat women in this way.

Is the neurodiversity you suspect autism? If it is, if he's autistic, then conventional talking therapies are extremely unlikely to work for him.

That said, it's not really the point. However much you love him you can't go on like this. He can't change and you can't live like this anymore.

He just wants a replacement mother to mop his fevered brow. Poor little mite!

My DH suffered with depression (before we met). He's told me that even at his absolute lowest he had to get out of bed to feed his dog and walk or, or at the very least let her out into the garden. He actually credits having to look after her with helping him to recover.

I was reminded of this OP as it doesn't sound like your DP is looking after you or his children, even when he is able to get up and go out to go fishing.

You might not want that, but only he can change his behaviour. Let me guess, the more you raise issues with him, the more entrenched his behaviour becomes? That's not someone who loves you and wants to work at things. He's got you where he wants you. Manipulative man.

I’ve said that exact thing “love is not enough”

DH can’t communicate effectively. He grew up with shouting & confusion, so has a meltdown any time I say anything.

He’s the same with DS, who is actually able to solve problems better & he’s a four year old. Sick of it…

I've been on antidepressants for over 20 years. Even on low days my love and sense of duty to my dc makes me go on and deal with things. Obviously the antidepressants are key here in order to be able to do something. But once you're on them it's about telling your inner demons to shut up and no you can't just die now because you have kids you love and who need you. He doesn't seem motivated by his family though, only by his hobbies...

Exactly. He says he does it to help improve his mental health.

He does it to avoid reality!

This! The love you have for your children/animals that need you can be a salvation.

Ask him to give up the gaming. Lock it up.
Ask him to speak about how to give it up with his therapist.

Support him to find a hobby that he likes that DOES involve the family.
He likes fishing. Make it a rule that he takes one child every time - and that it is a family outing once per month.
When he returns from fishing he has to bring fish for the whole to eat. (This might mean dropping into the fish'n'chip shop!)

He needs to learn how to entwine his depressed state with family life in a fair way that is helping you and also giving the kids a nice childhood.
He's depressed but he's in the family and no one else should suffer.

You are not crazy or at fault. Why would you say that!?

Would you stay with him if you won millions on the lottery tomorrow?

He can't wave the mental health card every time someone expresses their needs. This is actually abusive and manipulative.

What doe s he think his lack of participation is doing to your mental health?

It sounds as though he doesn't care about you at all or see family life as a machine that he needs to help drive forwards with shared goals at the centre of his mind.

He happily sits back and lives a lovely life while you bust a gut to keep things afloat. Lazy tosser!

My DH tried to get away with this nonsense and the following have worked:

-Couples therapy to establish whether we needed help to manage a break up and establish whether we actually loved each other or not. The therapist was amazing at getting hime to acknowledge how awful he was being.

-A printed list of EVERY SINGLE TINY TASK printed weekly in the kitchen which we would put our initials by after completing each day from packed lunches, feeding cat, to organising playdates, birthday gifts, school admin, family admin, organising babysitters, hosting, food shopping, holiday booking, kids activities, socialising, and date nights to making beds, cleaning toilet, doing laundry, deep cleaning the bathroom/ kitchen, decluttering kids toys and clothes and taking to charity shop, hoovering etc. We put our initials by each one each time we did them for a few months. Guess what?! DH became a lot more useful! He wanted to WIN the game of 'I do more than you' and I ended up with him doing his fair share because of this! HA ha!

-I went on complete strike with his laundry and took him to actually run out of all of his clothes to notice.

-I went on complete strike with cooking for him. This still remains.

-I leave all xmas stuff for his side of the family to him including organising visiting and gifts.

-I also point out what a lord his dad is and how his mum is so unhappy because she does everything and he can see it.

Good luck.

Life should be a easier with a life partner, not harder.

If you left, he'd have no choice but to see how much you've been doing but it would be too late. Give him an ultimatum and scurry some £ away now.

Sounds like he could do with a wake up call. How much time do you get for hobbies (or anything else)? Depression is not an excuse to spend all evening opting out of family life and gaming like a teenager - he gave up that option when he chose to have a family. What an example to set!

Then that's what matters

As he doesn't bother, who cares what he thinks?

My DP suffers from serious depression. It doesn't stop him pulling his weight or treating me with respect.

Yours just sounds like a selfish knob.

Tell him that.
And let him down tools. And ask when he is going to pick them up again, just so you know.