Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

He is using his depression here as a stick to beat you about the head with.

Your children cannot afford to grow up seeing all this. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. You also have a very low relationship bar when it comes to him don’t you.

Mental illness or laziness in man is a complete turn off. I am sorry if you are a man reading this on here. Go back to mummy or consider yourself a son of the nanny state and go from there.

Only you know how long you’re willing to put up with this. If you stay with him it’s with the knowledge that he has no intention of changing. The ball is in your court OP, not his.

So do everything for your boys but stop cooking his meals, doing his washing etc.

I feel like this is also a big part of it. We have no time together at all.

No childcare and no money to pay for any. No close extended family. He has nobody he'd call a friend and my best friend lives 3 hours away.

As ever something is always more complex than the straw that breaks the camels back and I've been reading all the responses.

Took my youngest out for a bit of lunch and some space (eldest didn't want to come). He has retreated to bed and according to eldest, has been crying.

I'm going to ask him to go to couples therapy with me. And go from there.

How old is your eldest? Crying in earshot of one of his children is very manipulative.

Shiiiitttt I think we might be heading in this direction. ☹️ DH is definitely mentally ill as he has had a couple of genuine and severe breakdowns over the last couple of years. He's been up and down with his recovery, but over the last 6 months or so he seems to have checked out almost entirely. He doesn't do anything around the house and doesn't spend any time with me or DC.

In his defence, he works A LOT and is always at the office these days. He is bringing in a good wage and I know the work is stressful, but I feel he's burying himself in his work a bit too much. And when he is at home he tends to just look at his phone or play his instruments. I get that these things help him relax and distract from his issues, so I can see why OP's DH also spends a lot of time fishing. But it's just that there is barely any family life left, and it's difficult.

I'm hopeful he'll snap out of it eventually (he has done before), but reading these posts makes me concerned that we'll be in the same situation in 10+ year's time. He's a good guy and I love him but he's not had the easiest time and he is struggling. I love him to bits and try to help but it does feel like it's not enough.

Yeah. This would give me the rage. It's emotional abuse.

The more you say OP the more I dislike your DH's behaviour.

Sorry, completely unrelated and not helpful but @CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets can he get out, will he get out? Of course he will! 😆 Great username!

Hope things get easier for you guys. 💐

I've not read all the posts but I've read enough to find it very upsetting that it's another thread where people seem very condemning and ignorant about someone with mental health.

I'm not disputing that it's really hard living with someone who has depression - I experienced this myself for many years. A family members mental health totally skued my life. So I really sympathise with OP.

The fact your DH' s hobbies sound like those that take him away from interacting with people in real life does make it sound that there is something else as well as depression going on. Autism or similar. I've just been given a later life diagnosis of that myself and it's done a lot to explain the difficulties I've had coping with life.

My feeling is the only thing that might help OP is him going back to seek further medical help.

And some of these women who say they have depression just want to lie in bed all day? Nobody is qualified to make these kinds of assertions about total strangers. FWIIW (and I think fishing is the most boring activity in the world) it is equally possible that this time spent fishing is the only thing keeping him going. We don't know.

My next words aren't just about your dh op but- what on earth is happening?! People are just falling apart left right and centre?! Seems to be everyone, everywhere, everyone too depressed to function! What on earth is happening to society.
And yes I get depressed too but i pull myself together for my children cause if I don't who will!

Wipe your eyes he’s done what you asked. He’s like the kid who kicks the bin when you ask them to leave the classroom you’ve still won. Don’t give up.

Sounds very familiar to my (now X)H. He had been depressed for years. Couldn’t engage with family activities. Used every excuse to get out of them. Always saying how much he did around the house and how ungrateful and critical I was. His favourite phrase was ‘I can’t do anything right’ if I ever asked him to do something differently or said something wasn’t right. Simultaneously implying I was far too critical and also trying to shut me down from raising anything that was bothering me. I encouraged him to get counselling, work on his issues but he didn’t…well he did after we split but then he gave up on it because he didn’t feel he was getting anywhere. I realised in retrospect that he has narcissistic tendencies. He thinks he perfect hence why counselling didn’t help, he had no motivation to change!
What do you really want OP? He’s not motivated to change. He’s got things as he wants really. You do most of the donkey work, he goes off fishing and gaming, claims he does loads! He won’t change. You’re very limited in your options. You say he’s kind but he’s not treating you kindly. He’s doing the bare minimum and claiming he does loads! You say you don’t want to divorce but if you don’t, you’re basically trapped in this dynamic I’m afraid.

Exactly what I was thinking. I have had bouts of depression and they were fu*king horrific. No way on earth could I have gone fishing or played video games. I was in so much pain I wanted to scream.

People use the word depression far too casually. Same goes for OCD. He just sounds like a selfish, self-pitying man baby.

Being depressed doesn't mean he can treat you like shit and opt out of family life whenever he feels like it.

What is he doing to improve his mental health (other than fishing and gaming)? Is he seeking help from the gp or councilling?

You need to sit down and have a think about what you get out of this relationship, and what example you're setting for your dc. You weren't out on this earth to look after him. He needs to be helping himself too. Do you want this to be your life for the next x years

OP - does he smoke weed to help his mental health and infact the fishing trips are an excuse to sit about getting stoned with no responsibilities and not actually much to do with the actual fishing.

He sounds very much like my ex husband so maybe I am projecting. He just sounds like him.

Couples therapy is often unhelpful where one partner has autism and can make things worse.

If he is autistic and has depression he has serious issues of his own that he needs specialist support to to recognize and manage.

Your H says ‘he does everything’ as that is genuinely what he sees. He sees what he does. He does not see what you do. His autism is giving him a very ego centric view of the world. That’s a very difficult thing to work with, especially if he is not even at the stage of realizing he has autism.

Exactly. My dp was doing this. Made a fucking song and dance about every little thing I asked him to do. So kicked him out in the end.

Fishing is a form of meditation, so might help. But spending all night on a computer with games will increase depression and he should be weaned from it for the sake of his mental health.

Depression is one of the most selfish illnesses to have. My dh 💐had what used to be called a nervous breakdown, luckily he recovered but still doesn't understand how difficult it was for me to deal with him, he couldn't even decide if he wanted a drink or not some days, and we had 3 children and a home to run.
I have no practical advice as my dh was helped by medication but I just wanted to show solidarity for you. 🍌
I did used to tell people that living with someone with depression is harder than being the depressed person because you have to deal with their shit as well as your own.
Please ignore the random sticker things I was trying to do flowers.

How would he cope if he lived by himself or how did he cope before living with u?I would be out. Hence am single

Spot on.

I know not everyone is the same but depression can stop you enjoying anything. It stops you living fully.

But not the bold boy here, away fishing, on his own, no responsibilities, living his best fucking life and then miserable with his family.

If he's been crying after doing the dump run, then he's not necessarily being manipulative.
Although he complained about you asking him to do it, the fact that he did it eventually shows that he knows on some level that his behaviour and attitude is unreasonable.
The medication and fishing trips clearly are not working enough at the moment and he needs more to help combat the depression.
Counselling would be a good idea once he is actually ready to talk but also improving diet and increasing exercise as a family can also make a massive difference for some people and help them to open up and start to process some of their issues.
You should both talk once you've calmed down and are in a more positive space. The relationship doesn't have to end if you're both willing to work on things.