Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

When most people are ill even seriously ill they will keep trying to do more. However little they are able they will attempt more than they did last week/month whatever.
So many posts on MN are like this, where the man(usually) seeks to do less. In my view this is not acceptable. It makes me doubt whether they are completely ill. They perhaps choose to exaggerate.

Please do not waste another month of your life being this unhappy.

If he does his hobbies to keep his mental health healthy he should be in a better position to take the rough with the smooth of life, not objecting to that because it's 'harmful'

The point of doing me time stuff isn't to make your life all about that and skip the rest, it's to fill your bucket so you have some resilience for the stuff that drains the bucket, so you can dream with the mix.

But if he's been like this for ten years and only better for two, it sounds like he was in best behaviour and now this is him... Him being in a couple with you means he can let you carry him.

Sorry to hear you're going through this op.

It's interesting how often that when a man has mental health problems on this site, everyone rushes to say there's nothing wrong with him, it's just a convenience and ltb, but when it's a woman then anyone who even remotely questions that her mental health renders her incapable of the simplest things lacks empathy and understanding. There's a huge long thread about how someones mental health renders them incapable of phoning for a GP appointment at 8am, but here, apparently, his ability to fish means there's bugger all wrong with him.

I love the way that so many people on this thread are qualified psychiatrists who possess the ability to diagnose with huge certainty, someone they've never met.

Apparently he DEFINITELY DOES NOT HAVE DEPRESSION.

Sorry, but no. That's no help at all to the OP. She's clear that he does, but the way he's 'managing' it is the problem.

Are there any other influences in his life @CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets ? Anyone who'd encourage him to get some further treatment?
If you planned a family day out on his fishing day and the kids wanted him there, would he come? Does he do anything with the kids at the weekend?

I agree that actually listing every single thing you do/have responsibility for, and everything you see him do, would be a useful starting point for a discussion. Even if you listed everything you did while he was out fishing that day, maybe he'd start to realise what he's (not) doing and how he's been relying on you to facilitate his 10 hour fishing sessions.

Does he show you any affection? Does he care when you're upset?

Sorry for all the questions!

Love isn’t always enough.

OP I've only read your posts, not the responses.

You sound like me towards the end of my marriage. I still loved my depressed husband, and I still do 8 years later.

I haven't found anyone else and have been very brokenhearted and life has been deeply unpleasant as a single mum. I regret it.

If you didn't have your boys I'd suggest ending it now, as you deserve better. But realistically, you'd still have to see him a lot because of them, and as you love him, that may be extremely painful. (It was/is agony for me)

I don't know everything about your situation of course so I'm projecting, but I suggest really consider what would be the practical/financial/emotional shape of your life if you divorce, and potentially hang in there a few more years till the dc are older.

Im sorry you are in this situation OP.

My ex husband suffered depression. He would just go inside himself, not speak to anyone and certainly wouldn’t be up for any hobbies. He’d gain a lot of weight and disengaged from family life for weeks at a time. Then he’d snap out of it, be motivated, the perfect husband, apologetic, be healthier etc until the cycle started again.

I cannot imagine anyone with proper depression that takes you away from Contributing to your family to also allow him to spend hours doing his hobbies.

I agree with others that he has checked out of family life and this is not something I would want for me or my children.

Wtf?

Yep.

There may be a time in the near future where you have to tell him this. If he knew that your marriage was at stake, do you think he'd be able to pull anything out of the bag?

Not sure how old your kids are but, in my book, unilaterally going off to do your hobby without checking the other parent can cover parenting duties is not ok, regardless of unfairness in distribution of domestic tasks.

Can you practice your best 'I mean business face', & tell him you can't continue like this - not having his presence is undermining any sense of a relationship, teamwork or family life. Ask if you can sit down together and try and work out a solution that gives him space and time for his hobbies, regular times you have for yourself where he looks after the kids, sacrosanct family time, couple time and a breakdown and sharing of all tasks. So a focus on solutions rather than what's going wrong. If he's on the spectrum, lists, schedules etc might help. If he doesn't respond to this then at least you gave it your all.

If he takes a while to catch on and see your resolve and the kids have to temporarily put up with an untidy house, rubbish food for tea and forgetting something for school, then that might be better than you going under or pushing the nuclear button and splitting now without trying all solutions.

There's a simple explanation. Some of these men who say they have depression, use it as an excuse to disengage from family life. His depression doesn't seem to prevent him from doing what he wants.

What is the OP supposed to do?

He is doing NOTHING to get help

Has she got to not only carry all the domestic load but him as well?

For how long? Till she's totally broken and no use to anyone?

That’s all great but it’s not a partnership. You cannot continue if it isn’t a partnership. I would suggest a trial separation.

Sounds like my day……..

Well that doesn't sound "very kind", does it?

It's all on his terms. "Handsome" cannot make up for that.

I hope the OP comes back to this thread.

Theres a reason you came on here and wrote this post, maybe you’re not quite there to see how badly he is treating you but there is some really good advice as hard as it is to read.

You have one life, no do overs, this can’t be it for you x

Why do people quote this line from a 25 year old sitcom as if they’re offering some form of extreme wisdom and insight? It makes you sound extremely dense.

OP, my ex had depression and I’d never get involved with anyone who had it ever again. It may not be their fault, but it’s not yours. Your options are limited though. You either accept it or you lay down that if he continues to use his depression as a tool to emotionally guilt you into not asking him to involve himself with family life then you’ll look at separation.

You sound utterly grim.

To add, I think insisting there is time set aside to spend together is so important. Otherwise there is no relationship. You just become two co-existing parents fighting over who is in the right or wrong (though I don't mean that to take away from the fact that he does seem to be treating you very unfairly)

Whether depressed or not he has responsibilities. And one of those is to work on his depression. What is he doing to get better and more able to cope with supporting the family?

In my experience, when (many not all) men get ill, in whatever way, they genuinely think 'well I obviously can't do X because of Y condition', whereas women (many not all) think 'well, obviously X is going to be more difficult because of Y condition, but I'm going to have to do it anyway'.

In his head because he is sometimes too depressed to do things, he uses it as a reason why he can't do anything he doesn't want to do. 'But how can she expect this when I'm struggling so hard'.

I would struggle to live with that too (with him, I mean). He can't help depression - he can help some of his choices.

@overthinkersanonnymus my thoughts too but also to add - so what if he is- doesn't mean you have no choice but to put up with it .

@MostlyHappyMummy a great deal of truth in that

I find it hard to believe that someone who is depressed would choose to go fishing.