Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

Yeah, he's just calling the Samaritans to get out of the washing up. And OP is calling the mental health crisis team to indulge him.

FFS

Depression can affect different people in different ways. I’m sure op knows him better than a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I’m not criticising you at all. You’re doing your bloody best. Nor do I think it’s always bad to cry in front of your kids. And by god I’m not perfect!! But I stand by the fact that your DH seems to be selective in his moods, from what you’ve said.

And that as the sole adult in the house maybe he shouldn’t have shut himself away crying, he could have called you to come back or tried to wait. If your 11 year old was happy to occupy himself, cool, but what if he needed something? The fact that he told you about it, shows he was worried.

I do feel sad that you’re defending it because it’s not normal. My mum had panic attacks and cried a lot due to circumstances in our home (also went on meds) and it affected me a lot until we got out. Maybe that’s why I reacted to that bit so much.

I’m really glad your DP has contacted Samaritans and really hope you all get the support you need. As it seems way bigger than the division of labour to me. Which is also bloody horrid of him to make you feel so guilty about asking him to do stuff.

Can you hire or buy (can get second hand ones) a flow neuroscience headset. Worked for my husband

Yes, this is pretty much us at the moment. I take DC out and we do lots together without DH. It makes me sad because DC have stopped asking him to join us because he never does. 😔 Weekends are the worst because the issue is more obvious; I'm trying to occupy us so we don't end up spending another weekend with me and the DC in one room and DH in another. The whole situation is bloody ridiculous.

DC and I are going on holiday for the half term and I'm interested to see how DH copes. On one hand I'm concerned because he really does struggle with his MH, but on the other hand I'm fascinated to see if he manages to look after the house and himself. Maybe we'll have another talk when we're back...

@Peaceandquietandacuppa Same here, I know that I’m reacting because of my Dad’s mental health history. You’re being very strong, @CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets. 💐

Do you know the saying "the same hot water that softens the potato hardens the egg"?

Well, I am the egg. My poor DH is unfortunately the potato.

I have to check myself to make sure I'm not becoming irreversibly hard.

Then why come here asking questions and why are you wasting your time here? You’re a stranger on the Internet and believe you have nothing to add.

@CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets You haven’t been given much choice tbh. You’re parenting, working and doing your best to be supportive towards your DH. But you can’t fix him and you’re not a mental health professional. I’m relieved that he’s now accessing more help.

Yes all of this. And remember OP, your duty of care is to your children and yourself. It’s wonderful you’ve been such a supportive partner but if you feel it’s not going to change then I don’t think you should feel any guilt for getting out. What I was trying - indelicately - to say is that a happy home with one parent is more important than a fraught home with two. All the best 🌻

When I read your post it reminded me of my son.

The gaming and the fishing and a few other bits. He's Autistic. It sounds like your sense is strong enough to know this is highly likely.

The gaming can be regulating and dopamine seeking in a way it isn't for an NT person. The assumption from pp that his capacity to game and fish means all is ok, is so wrong.

If you had enough money I'd suggest quite a few things. I get the impression you won't be able to finance it all and not many could. Will it solve all the difficulty? Probably not. But might it offer some hope? Possibly.

With enough money I'd be really particular and wouldn't budge on what I wanted him to do. I know you aren't his mum but this would b come non negotiable for me in the end nd. If he consistently refuses all this, nothing will change.

First of all, an assessment for Autism and ADHD. Yes it is important to know. If ADHD was in the mix ( it often is), how might ADHD medication change things for him. I've researched this extensively and when it helps it really helps. But he has alot going on I accept.

A psychiatrist prescribes medication. They are also usually the experts in supporting people who are Autistic/ ADHD. I just booked an assessment review to discuss meds for my son. The lady is an expert psychiatrist in Autism and ADHD and can prescribe. She will have a good understanding of the conditions, all the meds and what to try in the toolkit. The appointment cost me alot. The NHS are out of reach tbh for us and do know their expertise is incredibly limited if you get the wrong person.

If you don't know you're Autistic, I wonder how counselling would even help you. I imagine it could make you worse.

If you know or highly suspect and accept you're probably ND, one would be best seeing an Autism aware and experienced therapist ( a counsellor) , maybe a man would work better. Going alone would probably be the best thing for him. Couples therapy feels unsuitable to me as something that might not help get to the core of all this. Couples therapy won't get rid of his depression either.

This is a fair bit to take on and it's so understandable if you think oh fuck this.

I remember my dad crying. He had a severe mental health crisis after returning from war. I was scared but I feel nothing but compassion as I grew. I've cried in front of my son because i'm very unwell physically. I have pain that no human would experience. So I have to just be real and say it's ok and tell the truth to my son ( 13). E.g I'm in alot of pain and crying sometimes helps me because after ive cried I feel a little better. I'm sorry if it upset you. ' And then he's absolutely fine.
I don't think the guy is being manipulative and people are too quick to say LTB etc.

It's so understandable if you can't continue the relationship. No one could ever hold that against you. I just think context is important. You sound like a very aware and compassionate person anyway.

Hello there OP,
I just wanted to give you some wisdom from my best friend. She was engaged to a wonderful guy who suffers from depression. She found out that she has a gene that makes her predisposed to cancer and realised that, if the worst were to happen, he wouldn’t be there to support her as his issues took priority. It sounds like your husband isn’t there for you when you need him, not that it’s his fault, but he can’t be. She had to decide what was more important for her, and she chose a supportive partner, which she’s now found and is marrying in the spring. I know you love your husband and it’s not his fault that he’s depressed, but like her, you have to decide what’s important in your life. If you need someone to support you and you know he won’t be there, it’s ok to leave. I hope your husbands ok, but I just wanted to share her story in case it’s helpful x

@Tittat50 I agree that her DH needs to access as much professional help as possible. Depression is an illness and needs professional treatment-plus as you say, he may have other diagnoses.

I’ve said on other threads that for some reason, we seem to expect loved ones to do a huge amount when someone’s mentally unwell. We wouldn’t expect a partner to diagnose and set a broken limb, or stitch up a wound, for example, but we somehow expect them to do a lot with mental illness.
They can’t!

All they can do is be supportive and encourage the person to access professional care, just as they would with a physical illness. If their partner refuses to, they may have to reconsider the relationship, especially when children are involved. It’s the oxygen mask situation, we have to put on our own masks and our children’s first.

I lived like this for a long time op. I was a martyr just like you. I sacrificed so much of myself to try and save him and almost killed myself in the process. In the end my exh did nothing to help himself and blamed me for all his problems and then became abhorrent to my children. It caused lot of damage. My life is different now, I'm living the life I sacrificed, my kids are not walking on eggshells and neither am I. It's up to you if you want to give this man your one chance at this life and prioritise him over you and your kids. This all does zap your energy and the kids don't get the best of you. It's a noble thing if you choose to stay but it's ok to choose you too.

OP- in your last post you asked whether you are becoming "irreversibly hard". I'm not entirely sure what you mean but I can say that I was in a 20 year marriage with a depressed husband who would disengage and avoid responsibility much like yours. He would sporadically start therapy or meds and then drop them without discussing it with me. We would stagger along, sometimes he would be better and I would remember why I married him and feel that it was better to stick together in the hope he would eventually "get better ". I would often wonder if the problem was partly me, that I was too demanding, lacked sympathy or was just a bitch at heart (ie irreversibly hard). He would also imply these things or say them out right in one of our semi-regular arguments. I also thought it was better for the kids to have an intact home, even if their dad was comatose on the sofa for hours, ignoring all of us or went out every night to pursue his interests as that "made him feel better".

Well eventually I decided this was no life for me or for the kids. He was never going to get better and it was not my responsibility. I did not owe him my life, even though it was not his fault he was this way. It was an enormous relief not to have his depressed, needy, anxious, angry presence in my life every day- even though I still loved him in a way and it still makes me terribly sad that I was not able to help him get better.

You only have one life to live. I would just encourage you to stop second guessing your feelings and trying to rationalise your anger and disappointment. You are entitled to be happy just as he is.

I may have misunderstood you by saying this but I hope it's helpful. 💐

Given the history. I agree not manipulative

It’s absolutely disgusting.

I don’t think you realise the damage he is doing to the dc.

Think about how you would feel at 11 years old hearing a parent crying in their room

im asking you questions, because I think invalidating someone’s depression is ridiculous. You’re absolutely right though -it has been a waste of my time!

I do not feel that occasionally crying in your own bed and your child hearing it is manipulative.

What do you think your child thinks? Children internalise shit, they blame themselves and will change who they are and walk on eggshells to protect the people they love. Does the crying come with context? How are they supposed to know that it is not their fault to fix?

You've been pretty brutal about your OH's lack of responsibility in your OP but quite defensive with a lot of comments.

If he's not engaging with therapy, or family life, and it's protracted over years, and you dont want to leave. You are probably going to have to accept- this is who he is and how it is. Don't expect him to change.

I would just quietly quit OP. In your head, if not in body, start detaching from him. Live your life as if you're a single parent. Ask nothing of him. Don't actually ignore him but don't instigate conversation either unless necessary.

You will feel empowered and stronger and more in control. He will start to see that and either sort himself out, or, if he doesn't, you're halfway to leaving anyway, as youve already 'left' him in your head.

Good luck OP. Life is too short to be miserable. Honestly.

He maybe depressed and have low times but that doesn't stop others from being parents and doing what needs to be done as a family. It's all excuses I'm afraid OP, he's able to fish all day.

Why don't you leave? Give him a taste of his own medicine then he will see what you actually do on a daily basis!

There's a couple of fabulous books I found helpful to explain the situation to my kids.
I had a black dog
I lived with a black dog

And you can leave them laying around, they clearly illustrated the impact of this condition on other family members

He spoke to a bupa mental health expert today and they can refer to a psychiatrist.

I feel hopeful that we might finally get some actual help. I also see some hope in him too.

He is also being signed off for 4 weeks, which is the minimum requirement for him to get paid sick leave at his workplace.

I will look at these thank you