Fucking fed up oh my husband and his depression

[CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets]

He basically, cannot cope with life. Anything with the tiniest bit of responsibility and he crumbles.

It's been 10 years like this (together 12) and I'm just fucking fed up and sick of it.

He claims to do 'everything' except the washing and cleaning the bathroom. Does he fuck.

We've just had a massive row because I asked him if he could please do a dump run soon as the pile was getting bigger and I got a shitty response back.

Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.

He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does. I said if your going to start threatening me with that petty shit then I will just leave.

I'm starting to not care. We hardly have sex. But who would want sex with a depressed person?

Am I crazy? Am I the one at fault here?

Ok I have had a major depressive episode and I still had to do the chores and be present with my dc. If
Every single time it's always about his mental health and how I'm pissing him off by asking him to basically take part in family life.
He has a hobby (fishing) that he does on every day off that takes him away from the home for 8-10 hours. And he spends all evenings and any other time on his fucking computer gaming.

then I would argue he isn’t using the hobbies to help his mental health, but he’s using his mental health to be allowed to only do his hobbies. For ten years! Not on. Taking the p.

Neither of you is at fault. It's very difficult living with someone who is depressive, everyone has limits. At the same time he cannot help being depressed. Fishing and the internet help him, fishing particularly is said to be soothing and relaxing.

Not much you can do except try to live your life for yourself as much as you can, see friends, have a bit of fun. If husband is on sick pay, suggest paying somebody to clean for you for a couple of hours once a week, that won't break the bank and will ease things a bit.

Is your husband receiving any treatment? Not that I have much faith in the NHS mental health services, frankly. A lot of doctors are frustrated with it, they seem to be in the power of the drug companies and medication is not always what is needed.

I am sorry for you, it's a situation I understand very well, so did my late husband. It will either get better or it won't but you must take care of yourself.

When I read your post I thought, ‘that sounds just like my Autistic Ex. Especially the ‘I do EVERYTHING’ claim.

He won’t change. It won’t get better.

Accept how things are ( which means you doing the bulk of the work with no recognition or appreciation) or leave. Or stay and be miserable. Those are the options.

He says he does it to help improve his mental health

Well he might as well give them up as it isn’t working

People who do say that it is very relaxing and they can switch off

Often in very pleasant surroundings

So I get it

This is a tantrum. He’s not 3 years old. Depression and neurodiversity isn’t an excuse for shitting behaviour. You need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that
a) you feel unsupported and you need him to step up,
b) there needs to be better communication than finger pointing and tantrums or the marriage will be destroyed,
c) he needs to pursue more help for his mental health issues, (its been 10 years) and an assessment for neurodiversity and finally, d) you are becoming resentful of being the main responsible adult in the marriage and if things don’t change you will have to re-evaluate your future together.

He is using his mental health issues as a reason to get out of responsibilities and in doing so, putting all that onto you. That’s bullshit.

For those saying he can manage gaming ... You can be depressed (or - ??) and spend hours eg doomscrolling. I am/do this. I am seeking Dopamine.

But I do my chores, and if I had kids, would make damn sure they were fed, clean etc
This crosses over into 'men don't see that kids/the house needs have to have x, y and z done' territory.

Sadly, right now you're a single parent in a married household. Distressedmum's post is absolutely spot on, and that list is worth a try if you want to keep trying to make things work.

Also, he’s reacting this way as he knows it upsets you and he is angry that you’ve not backed down and held him to account. His reaction is to retrain you to stop making him do stuff he doesn’t want to. It’s abusive.

It’s the truth though

You might love him but he doesn’t love you

Not enough to get help

I suggest he didn’t know what to say when he got therapy was because he doesn’t suffer from depression he has just checked out

OP why don't you list out the advantages of having him in your and your children's lives. Be brutally honest with yourself.

Good looks never buttered any parsnips after all. And it is quite rare for those suffering depression to have a great sense of humour either.

So,
is he kind
is he responsible
does he sort out bills
does he do the school run occasionally
is he involved in the kids lives/activities etc.
does he help out around the house
do you ever have a date night
do you go on holidays (and how is he then)
does he like his work, and does he work from home or on site
do you socialise together with others occasionally
And so on.

Those are the basics IMV, others may want to add more.

Lay it out in front of your very eyes.

my DH has ASD and struggles to put feelings into words and I’m hyper verbal.
Another thing that helped us was to learn about communication within each of our windows of tolerance.
Its an interesting read.

OK, having had depression myself and being medicated, I understand his situation but I also get yours.

You can't turn depression on and off, it doesn't work like that. But after 10 years, dealing with it himself and taking meds, its clearly not helping. You have been patient.

You need to sit him down and talk to him and tell him, what you have said here. You love him, the kids love him but you feel like he has checked out of the relationship and you can't carry on like this. Tell him he needs to go to counselling, he needs to change his lifestyle, that you will support him.

He can't just use all his free time for his hobbies, his family comes first. He is isolating himself from the very thing and denying his kids a family life. Living this way has not helped him find a way through his depression, just a way to cope, that works for him but not you....and you are partners. But then its not working for him either is it, as its not resolving anything. If he was taking time out for himself so he can be at his best for his family, then that is one thing, but he isn't.

You are bowing under the load and losing sight of the reason you married him and you need some quality time too.

You need to talk to him and be patient for a bit longer. Maybe talk to his GP about what is going on, or ask if you can go to the GP with him. It won't change quickly but it can change. However he needs to proactively want it to change. If he doesn't see this, then maybe you need to consider how you will move forward with this relationship. Maybe this is the kick up the bum he needs to make changes in his life for the better.

It's true that sometimes, love ISN'T enough. Unromantic as it may be to say that, since we are fed the notion that 'love conquers everything', it is nonetheless true, and it is practical to keep it in mind.

Having said that, I'd ask myself 'who exactly am I in love with?' Am I in love with the man I met 12 years ago, or the man I am now married to? Are they still the same man? Can the man he is now recover the man he once was?

I'd take his threat to down tools as a springboard for a sit-down Serious Talk. To tell him that his depression has made him selfish and disengaged from family life. That his chosen hobbies isolate him from family life too. That you have supported him for 10 years but that those 10 years have depleted you and you are now running on empty. And that if you are to continue as a family, he needs to stop hiding behind his selfishness and make some fucking effort beyond 3 sessions of therapy then giving up "because he "doesn't know what to say" ". That you cannot continue to shoulder all the responsibilities alone and he cannot continue to behave like a petulant teenager avoiding adulthood and a shared future.

I'm not suggesting you threaten divorce. You don't want to divorce and besides it's stupid to make a threat you won't carry through. But you need to impress upon him the effect HIS depression is having upon YOU. And hopefully get him back into therapy.

You can down tools in anything related to him - don't cook for him or do his laundry

Obviously fishing could well be good for a depressed person's mh, and gaming is escapism. He may well be neurodivergent too. But a diagnosis won't cure it, so it's a question of whether he knows how badly this has been affecting you for the last 10 years and whether he's prepared to put in the effort to save your marriage

I am really sorry you are struggling so much. He needs to get back to the GP for a review because his medication isn’t working, you might benefit from some relationship counselling too so you are both on the same page and can communicate better together. Yes he has depression but it’s not a get out of chores/hard life tasks free card, you are not his carer and you deserve better than this.

Similar here. He would also weaponise lying in bed - would threaten that if I did something he did not like he would go to bed. I started divorce proceedings and he suddenly pulled himself together. Early days here, but I am hopeful.

He threatened to down tools and show me just how much he actually does.

Let him, you know full well he hardly does anything. It's interesting you state how much he loves his children- does he take them fishing? If he doesn't then he absolutely doesn't, he fucks off out on his days off for most of the day instead of spend time with them. He also doesn't seem to care enough to seek additional support for his depression. My MH is a mess, I have a lifelong mental illness of which I've been sectioned 4 times throughout my life (so far) including twice when I've been with DH- he has been very supportive but I've also put the graft in to benefit my family. If he isn't prepared to do this I'd consider leaving, it won't get better. It's not his fault he's poorly, it is his choice to treat you like this.

My DP was depressed, probably for about 7 years, during which time he refused to seek help, said there was no problem. He was the same - time and motivation for hobbies but not family life, running the home etc, ignoring our DD.

I made allowances, put up with a lot, until I was the one having counselling, with the counsellor suggesting I talk to the GP about getting treatment for my depression.

I gave him the 'shape up, or ship out' ultimatum which may seem harsh (it did to me but I was at the end of my tether). I think with my DP there were several things going on. Yes, I don't doubt there was depression and work stress, also I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't some degree of ND, family background (his father never lifted a finger at home) and he'd just 'learnt' to be depressed, learnt to behave that way and didn't see why he should change. Things are a lot better, but I and the relationship were pushed to the brink. I was actively looking for alternative accommodation, on the brink of leaving. I was so angry with him.

You may think you owe your DH the support he wants, but you also owe your children, and I would argue you owe them more, as they are just kids. Living with someone with a long term illness is exhausting and it drains you. There comes a point when you have to step away to preserve your own health and your ability to function as a parent. I think you're at that point. You're asking the questions but still feeling the pull of the love you hold for your DH. Don't let him drag you and the children down, because that's what he is doing, and that's not a health environment for the children.

Let him down tools for a week. Then you down tools for a week. Then have a grown up conversation about it. I have a DH with a health condition that takes him away from family life a lot. I get the frustration.

Grew up with a dad with pretty bad depression but he always worked, however shitty the job. Didn't exactly have hobbies, just some interests. Did do things in the house but was tough.
I also have suffered depression on and off over the years. Have worked and have hobbies but not stopped me doing essential house stuff.
Sorry but I think your DH is using his mental health to pick and choose what he wants to do. It's totally unfair in you and your children. Think you really need to decide whether you can continue to live with someone like that or that you need to separate.

Don't worry about what this poster says, they're nasty in almost everything they post ❤️

He's been depressed for ten years, he uses it as a way to control and escape from life.

He's not moving forward, he's stuck. He either needs new meds or therapy to move him on. But he has to want to do it.

The likelihood is he will stay like this and you will be expected to facilitate it. It's your choice whether you do it. You also need to think about the impact your husbands mh has on your dc and wether it's in their best interests to stay with him.