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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He never replied

388 replies

SerenaVanDerW · 01/02/2025 11:20

26F. He’s 30.

Vibing recently through a new friend group. I can tell he might be interested.

anyway, I texted him to see if he wants dinner at the weekend (so yes I initiated it) He immediately replied ‘Yes!’ within 30 seconds and suggested a restaurant.

ended up texting back and forth every 30 mins because the first restaurant is closed and trying to come up with another restaurant but either fully booked or closed or waitlisted. He tried to book one of them and waitlisted.

he then suggested another restaurant, which as always happy with whatever really. He then never replied after that. This was last night at 9pm.

im sitting here thinking-

  • Does he want me to book this?
  • why hasn’t he replied?
  • Does he still want to go tomorrow?
  • does he want me to suggest a restaurant? Bc I have a few restaurants in mind.
  • I don’t want to double text him… but should I say- what about X restaurant?
any advice would be great!
OP posts:
wrongthinker · 04/02/2025 00:23

Bubblyb00b · 03/02/2025 19:36

This is exactly why I said previously - dont invite guys out, dont accept anything other than strong interest in you and dont see someone who cancelled on you.... Bad idea!

I will try to explain how it works... (This does not apply to all men, there are some great, confident and decent men out there - but they are in the minority).

Most of them are very conservative when it comes to dating, they lack confidence, they lack judgement and they will see your show of interest and your tolerance of their crap as your "weakness", their mind works something like this - girl invited me out, she accepted cancellation, she went on the date still and was nice - she must be desperate, no other guys want her... otherwise she would not be so available and easy to convince to accept crap behaviour!

They KNOW their behaviour is crap, and they see you tolerating it as a signal that you will accept less than. So its safer to reject immediately anyone who cancels first date, crap with contact, does not answer texts, who is being uncertain and flip-fappy. Anyone who is genuinely interested in you will be solid, reliable and would not cancel.

Op, I bet you if you reject him for the next date he will get all eager and interested. He sounds like this sort of mind fucker. Please dont agree to have anything to do with this guy. He is just an insecure twat, who used you to give himself a confidence boost. I bet he is chatting to girls now to show you how desirable and cool he is! What a tool.

This is how I see it, too. His mindset is immature and insecure. There are some lovely, great guys out there who won't leave you wondering where you stand. Hold out for a good one!

winfongdown · 04/02/2025 01:36

Omg just give him a miss! What a palaver!

Bubblyb00b · 04/02/2025 06:11

This reply has been deleted

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Zone2NorthLondon · 04/02/2025 06:25

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What point are you struggling to articulate there?
Don't chase?
Be a queen,innit
Head high…
oh? you’re making a refrain and I must remove myself from the group

Bubblyb00b · 04/02/2025 06:31

This reply has been deleted

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Zone2NorthLondon · 04/02/2025 13:58

And the inarticulate be inarticulating
Frankly its a public service to call out some of the dreadful cliches and quips on this thread

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 04/02/2025 14:00

SerenaVanDerW · 03/02/2025 17:52

Yes I’m talking to others but I’m sitting around as a big group and he’s like joking and addressing other people in the group except me. Small number of people are chatting and doing their own thing.

he did very very briefly involve me in one tiny tiny conversation but that’s about it.

Just feel like he’s hot and cold.

that’s why I wanna leave.

The actual ‘date’ was nice, pleasant, no red flags, very ‘safe’ that’s why I don’t get why he’s avoiding me.

Show quote history

Maybe he got the feeling you were not really interested . You have said there was no chemistry on your part and that you suggested getting a dessert without him . He may just be embarrassed that it didn't work out . Don't let him get in the way of your friendship group , just be casual and friendly and I am sure in a week or two it will all be fine .

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:29

SerenaVanDerW · 03/02/2025 18:04

Pick things up with me later? I thought he’s not interested…?

and if he’s not interested, that’s fine but why say yes to lunch and why say yes to milkshake (ie dessert) and sat with me for another hour when he could have just gone home.

Edited
Show quote history

You said you were going to get dessert “alone”

Sounds like he’s a decent guy that felt a bit guilty. If someone made the point to me that they weee going to get dessert alone, I’d probably feel like I should keep them company!

Im going to guess that he hasn’t suggested another get together?

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:30

and why say yes to milkshake (ie dessert)

So you asked him?

Original poster
SerenaVanDerW · 11/02/2025 13:47

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 07:29

You said you were going to get dessert “alone”

Sounds like he’s a decent guy that felt a bit guilty. If someone made the point to me that they weee going to get dessert alone, I’d probably feel like I should keep them company!

Im going to guess that he hasn’t suggested another get together?

Edited
Show quote history

No, he hasn’t.

I’m over it tbh.

he acted like we didn’t meet up at all when we saw each other at a friends get together.

OP posts:
SporadicMincePieMuncher · 11/02/2025 13:56

SerenaVanDerW · 03/02/2025 18:08

This sounds like a game…

im gonna leave the game.

Show quote history

You're going to need to stop doing things like this if you want to quit game playing;

"Feel like he is purposely avoiding starting a conversation with me. Well I’m avoiding initiating because I initiated the date. Ball was in his court."

Honestly just be a normal grown up adult who is seeing friends including the guy that just yesterday she was having a pleasant lunch with. You haven't done anything to feel awkward about, so don't act awkward!

Without diminishing what I mean by that, seeing somebody that you've just been on a date with, but this time in a social context with friends just does feel slightly awkward, no matter if you want to date them again or not. It's common to nto want to act in a way that is going to make people ask if you two are involved because neither of you have the answers at the moment, and neither of you have established if the other is into you or not. Which is why the best thing to do is to make an effort to behave as you naturally would, without any of this "well it's his turn because I did it last time" business.

And ignore the weirdness about "you started it by double texting". You needed an answer, hours had gone by. You have not done anything to feel awkward about!

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 13:58

No one did anything wrong
Just not to be

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 13:59

But I do think maybe op you need to have a think about your approach to dating

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 11/02/2025 14:06

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 11/02/2025 13:56

You're going to need to stop doing things like this if you want to quit game playing;

"Feel like he is purposely avoiding starting a conversation with me. Well I’m avoiding initiating because I initiated the date. Ball was in his court."

Honestly just be a normal grown up adult who is seeing friends including the guy that just yesterday she was having a pleasant lunch with. You haven't done anything to feel awkward about, so don't act awkward!

Without diminishing what I mean by that, seeing somebody that you've just been on a date with, but this time in a social context with friends just does feel slightly awkward, no matter if you want to date them again or not. It's common to nto want to act in a way that is going to make people ask if you two are involved because neither of you have the answers at the moment, and neither of you have established if the other is into you or not. Which is why the best thing to do is to make an effort to behave as you naturally would, without any of this "well it's his turn because I did it last time" business.

And ignore the weirdness about "you started it by double texting". You needed an answer, hours had gone by. You have not done anything to feel awkward about!

Edited
Show quote history

(continued because my edit window timed out)

There's no downside to acting friendly and normally.

If he's into you and you're into him - you won't make him feel blocked

If you're not into him - you're showing that you can carry on as friends

And if you don't even want to be friends with him any more, killing him with kindness in front of your mutual friends means you won't feel like you have to ditch your friendship group to avoid him.

ThatsCute · 11/02/2025 15:00

You did nothing wrong, OP. You put your feelers out for a lunch and it didn’t work out. It’s not like you proposed with some grand, romantic gesture! Now you know, and can close this chapter with this guy. Lunch together is hardly embarrassing.

Don’t let it knock your confidence…I asked my husband out. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
SerenaVanDerW · 11/02/2025 21:54

So he just texted me around dinner time just there today… asking for advice on something (my field of work).

I vaguely responded I’m busy working late and will reply him when I get home.

im home and I probably won’t answer to be honest bc He acted like we didn’t have (a friendly) lunch.

the thing he asked is not only something I have/ know, someone else in the group also have knowledge to.

OP posts:
penelopelondon · 11/02/2025 22:30

SerenaVanDerW · 11/02/2025 21:54

So he just texted me around dinner time just there today… asking for advice on something (my field of work).

I vaguely responded I’m busy working late and will reply him when I get home.

im home and I probably won’t answer to be honest bc He acted like we didn’t have (a friendly) lunch.

the thing he asked is not only something I have/ know, someone else in the group also have knowledge to.

Why all the games?

"Hi Johnny, would you want to go on another date or not interested? Whatever you decide I'll still answer your work question :-) x"

Voila.

Zone2NorthLondon · 11/02/2025 22:33

SerenaVanDerW · 11/02/2025 21:54

So he just texted me around dinner time just there today… asking for advice on something (my field of work).

I vaguely responded I’m busy working late and will reply him when I get home.

im home and I probably won’t answer to be honest bc He acted like we didn’t have (a friendly) lunch.

the thing he asked is not only something I have/ know, someone else in the group also have knowledge to.

Just Answer the work related question. Provide an answer, No subtext. No drama. No convoluted what ifs. Everything doesn’t need to be a drama

blackice · 11/02/2025 22:34

penelopelondon · 11/02/2025 22:30

Why all the games?

"Hi Johnny, would you want to go on another date or not interested? Whatever you decide I'll still answer your work question :-) x"

Voila.

Show quote history

Omg don't do this OP

penelopelondon · 11/02/2025 22:35

blackice · 11/02/2025 22:34

Omg don't do this OP

Show quote history

Why not?

Codlingmoths · 11/02/2025 22:40

penelopelondon · 11/02/2025 22:35

Why not?

Show quote history

Because he’d have said hi how are you etc at the friends house if he had any interest. The op is rightly done.
id probably send a very bare bones answer to the work q, no chat or :) or hope that helps at all.

blackice · 11/02/2025 22:40

penelopelondon · 11/02/2025 22:35

Why not?

Show quote history

It's completely and utterly desperate! He asked a work related question. OP should answer that (if she wants to) and it's up to him if he chooses to use that interaction to rekindle something.

Original poster
SerenaVanDerW · 11/02/2025 22:54

blackice · 11/02/2025 22:34

Omg don't do this OP

Show quote history

Haha I am I the only one who got the dry humour?

I will reply- Hi Johnny. My standard rate is £60/h. Thanks.

all jokes aside, I’ve made up my mind. Won’t reply with advice. I’ll probs just say refer to XYZ. Hope that helps.

OP posts:
penelopelondon · 11/02/2025 22:56

blackice · 11/02/2025 22:40

It's completely and utterly desperate! He asked a work related question. OP should answer that (if she wants to) and it's up to him if he chooses to use that interaction to rekindle something.

Show quote history

He maybe 'emotionally handicapped' and waiting for OP to make a move hence the reason I would get straight to the point and stop doing this weird dance were no one knows what's going on. If he says he's not interested voila, there she has her answer, now she can move on. He may have a GF, he might be gay or he's into blonds, who cares. It's not "desperate" it's practical, plus she shouldn't care less what he thinks.

Original poster
SerenaVanDerW · 11/02/2025 22:58

Also… I’m not trying to cause drama. But he was all joking and flirty with me before the date. Then after that, went to ignore me and talked to other girls, which is fine, all good. No obligation from him. I know when I’m not wanted.

but then all of a sudden after ignoring me, texted me when he needs me ? For advice?

OP posts: