He never replied

[SerenaVanDerW]

26F. He’s 30.

Vibing recently through a new friend group. I can tell he might be interested.

anyway, I texted him to see if he wants dinner at the weekend (so yes I initiated it) He immediately replied ‘Yes!’ within 30 seconds and suggested a restaurant.

ended up texting back and forth every 30 mins because the first restaurant is closed and trying to come up with another restaurant but either fully booked or closed or waitlisted. He tried to book one of them and waitlisted.

he then suggested another restaurant, which as always happy with whatever really. He then never replied after that. This was last night at 9pm.

im sitting here thinking-

• Does he want me to book this?
• why hasn’t he replied?
• Does he still want to go tomorrow?
• does he want me to suggest a restaurant? Bc I have a few restaurants in mind.
• I don’t want to double text him… but should I say- what about X restaurant?

any advice would be great!

Agree you've done nothing wrong - we've all been there with mixed signals.

Some people have good soft skills and enjoy the ego boost/focussed attention of someone who "thinks they might date them".

I'm older now, but the guys I knew who were part of this demographic definitely cultivated a few women as they found them more available than male friends.

I was young (and had my own issues), but I know a few people did comment it wasn't fair as they clearly were leading these women on for their own social validation.

Its up to you how valuable you find this particular social group - were you mainly staying as you enjoyed his chat?

It probably isn't that healthy to keep on turning up if it feels awkward or self-conscious, regardless of the reasons.

If you are keen on dating, I'd say to broaden your social horizons a bit - rather than one small pre-existing friend group with one available man, try out a new social group every month....Meetups or those late night gallery openings.

(I'm not London so I don't know how Londoners are meeting now, but I attended a Tate Late at the Modern and LOTS of single people, eye contact, etc. I nearly got invited for a drink but I had to run for a train).

Bench this group and turn it into something you're at occasionally.

I'm a Millennial and this is Gen Z talk. Used in this context, it sounds as if she's saying she's shagging her way through her friend group 😂

OP, don't overthink it. Just have fun, enjoy your friends and don't obsess with this guy. If he's interested he will contact you again, if he's not... there you have your answer. You're too emotionally invested in a stranger. Don't. Plus it looks like you're not the only one he's "vibbing" with 😀

I do think I would struggle to let someone go and eat dessert on their own. I would go out of politeness not because I wanted to

At the risk of angering you, OP, I don’t get what the big deal is. Nothing has really happened and he’s not done anything awful. You’ve been on a couple of pleasant dates, he’s not texted you as promptly as you wanted and he’s apparently not feeling it so is talking to someone else at a party.

What’s the big deal? I completely agree that you’ve done nothing wrong, but neither has he. Dating = going on a few dates and seeing if you want to take things further. He doesn’t, and that’s fine.

I don’t get all the drama?

I wouldn't leave early on his part , stay and talk to the others and don't let him ruin your night! I think if you leave early it will only makes things more awkward next time you see him.

I don't think the double text or initiating is to blame either, in fact it's a very old fashioned way of thinking that the man must ask . It just sounds like he's not looking for anything romantic with you, or he's not ready for dating. Move on from him,things might not be the same now but just be amicable and like PP said, don't let him push you out of your friendship group

Why is anyone playing a game here? He hasn't played any kind of game! OP hasn't outright and explicitly declared her attraction to him, and as such she didn't get rejected in any way shape or form. She met up with someone she wanted to find out more about, and found out his future is incompatible with hers. He found out the same. Maybe he's a bit gutted it won't work out and he deals with disappointment by pushing people away, maybe he doesn't want to lead OP on because their lives are incompatible despite being interested, maybe he doesn't want everyone in the friends group to know his business and thinks the group will pick up on their interest in one another if he gives her any attention. Maybe there is no interest. It really doesn't matter though, because OP knows he isn't a long term candidate. How he feels about her is immaterial, and the posters who are now trying to school her and tell her that double texting and 'chasing' is responsible for what's going on now are being patronising, at best.

Jeeez you’re really overthinking this and have spiralled into therapy babble. You’ve not being rejected. Bit of mutual flirting that petered out. Honestly, no one got hurt, no broken hearts just bit went unexpectedly flat. Stop all the introspective rumination. There was no rejection, just didn’t lead anywhere. But you didn't promise each other anything. He talks to another girl and he’s hot and cold? You weren’t an item. You had flirty vibe, had a moment. Now you don’t

just be more natural and relaxed. Ease up on all the what ifs and whys.

@Zone2NorthLondon she isn't overreacting at all. He's normally joking around and is now ignoring her.

This is exactly why I said previously - dont invite guys out, dont accept anything other than strong interest in you and dont see someone who cancelled on you.... Bad idea!

I will try to explain how it works... (This does not apply to all men, there are some great, confident and decent men out there - but they are in the minority).

Most of them are very conservative when it comes to dating, they lack confidence, they lack judgement and they will see your show of interest and your tolerance of their crap as your "weakness", their mind works something like this - girl invited me out, she accepted cancellation, she went on the date still and was nice - she must be desperate, no other guys want her... otherwise she would not be so available and easy to convince to accept crap behaviour!

They KNOW their behaviour is crap, and they see you tolerating it as a signal that you will accept less than. So its safer to reject immediately anyone who cancels first date, crap with contact, does not answer texts, who is being uncertain and flip-fappy. Anyone who is genuinely interested in you will be solid, reliable and would not cancel.

Op, I bet you if you reject him for the next date he will get all eager and interested. He sounds like this sort of mind fucker. Please dont agree to have anything to do with this guy. He is just an insecure twat, who used you to give himself a confidence boost. I bet he is chatting to girls now to show you how desirable and cool he is! What a tool.

Erm they went on a date and now he is publicly ignoring her and chatting up other girls right in front of her? On what planet this is normal behaviour?

If he is not interested in further dates he can at least say it - and be friendly, or at least as friendly as he always was. What he is doing is totally weird and not nice.

Is he? He greeted her just not as she was hoping. No one has been rejected , they didn’t date. No broken promises . Ashamed and rejected is a lot of hyperbole for a flirty vibe that didn’t go anywhere. You know what sometimes things just do not go a where and it’s a bit flat. Disappointed- yes. Ashamed and rejected is a bit of an overreaction

Sorry OP but I think you need to chill out about dating. I’ve re-read all your posts and you come across as really obsessive. It’s very odd to be second-guessing what his messages mean and how he feels about you. Then tying yourself into knots over whether you should reply, whether you look too keen, the rules, the game… it’s all batshit behaviour.

Neither of you did anything wrong. You arranged a lunch date but there was no chemistry. That’s it. End of story. Why are you still analysing today how he feels about you? Why are you surprised he’s not flirting with you any more?

I know people say the man doesn't have to be the one who does the asking but seriously, the men I have chased in my time had to be chased because they were not interested. The ones who were, were battering my door down.

I learnt to be the flower, not the bee. It pissed me off at first, having to tolerate being so passive, but it was a good change to make.

Never chase men, ever.

If he was that keen, no amount of showering / I'm in the gym / I'm at work etc would have stopped him answering that text. He wasn't interested enough and she just elongated the realisation process.

Chin up OP - just be fabulous and your best self and enjoy your life - the right man will find you x

Besides, you said there wasn't that much chemistry. You can do better - this may be why life has not given you the man ;)

Most men simply aren't worth the chase 😂

I don’t think it’s an either or. It can be both. My husband I both chased a bit, both took a bit of a back seat. The chemistry was there from the start until now. It’s resulted in a balanced relationship, we love and fancy each other. Even with children our relationship is fun and exciting with both of carrying work and domestic loads evenly, so no stress or resentment.

I don’t want to be a flower and be chased. I was fun, spontaneity, and respect. Start as you mean to go and you’ll find someone who is perfect for you.

Sounds like he's playing games, op. I couldn't be bothered with it myself. One of the reasons I knew my husband could be the one at the beginning was there were no "games". None of this don't double text, wait to reply, ignore and flirt with others to make them jealous rubbish.
Sack him off. He's not worth the hassle. He needs to grow up a bit first

Agree with the above!
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
HE IS A TWAT and doesn't know how to behave. Perhaps he deliberately plays hot and cold because he confuses people and he enjoys leading people on.

You took a chance and asked him out...
That's all and he wasn't all that either.
I don't think that counts as chasing or not working out the weird text etiquette.

You did what you wanted to. It didn't work out. The answer to what anyone else thinks is "so bloody what!"
He's hoping if he makes you uncomfortable enough you will make life easier for him by leaving early and/ or Leaving the group. Fuck that.
But having said that, leave if you feel like it, don't let him be the reason you leave.

Just remind yourself he probably plays cosplay and dresses like an orc at the weekends.

It could be that he's hoping Op will ask him why he's being off or it could be that he's wanting to make sure that Op doesn't ask him out again.

Either way it doesn't really matter as Op knows he doesn't want to be more than friends.

And seemingly not e🙄ven friends atm

I think you were an insurance plan for him if nothing better came along that night. Looks it did so he ghosted you.

Nothing to be ashamed of and worrying about such things just harms you. Noone else. Brush it off, keep your head high and feel proud that you were strong minded enough to go for something you wanted. It did not work out. Its all experience. Move on.

Spot on!

OP you did nothing wrong, if you hadn’t approached him you’d be constantly wondering what if?

He’s being a bit of a prick at the party. Some emotionally immature men do this. They’re really not worth your time or energy, be thankful that you’ve seen it now and not actually gotten deeply involved with him. Just put a smile on your face and focus on the other people there.

In the meantime lick your wounds and focus on the other areas of your life, and expanding your circle beyond just this group.

This thread is a puddle of bad cliches and yo! Sista advice
lick your wounds
you’re worth so much more (babe)
you was ghosted, queen
dont chase a man. No! No chasing
He’s just playing games

Yawn. It’s like a vending machine of cliché quips

you know what, don’t over analyse the texts,the time, do your vibing without the drama…

Maybe he picked up on you not wanting to move up North and decided to not waste his time