Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

[Newbeginingssameoldshite]

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

Sadly OP I think you may have been far too kind to this point! I know she’s your child and you only wanted the best for her, but some of that is allowing them to make their own mistakes and work out their own problems.

I think her decision might be better for you, let alone her. I fully suspect when she needs something though she will soon be back…

i am very concerned that she works a job that requires a DBS check though. If she flys off the handle like that this could have serious ramifications in the long run!

Usually when there's a child who's cut off a parent I'm on the child's side…
Why, YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun?
This OP is far from the only person with a brattish adult child. It’s an epidemic.

Yes. I probably used to think this. I went NC with my narcissistic mother (as did all my siblings so it wasn’t me) and am a veteran of the Stately Homes threads. My mother would have sworn blind that she didn’t know why any of us went NC and that she was just afflicted with selfish children who couldn’t be arsed with her.

but I have a 23yo Dd who sounds a bit similar though not as extreme as the OPs. I’m sure she’s neurodivergent and the rate in which she can fly off the handle, etc. She’s never punched me but she has a vicious tongue in her head and can be very nasty. She thought me and dh were talking about her the other day (not at all) and came flying into the kitchen screaming she hated me, loads of unrelated insults (apparently I’m not even qualified to do the job I do and they were scraping the barrel when they hired me), accusations that I never read her a bed time story (did every day until she was about 11yo and wanted Harry Potter audio books). Absolute fury on her half. Then the next day it’s like nothing has happened and she wants £300 money to go on holiday with and can I drive her to Heathrow next weekend!

@RatedDoingMagic should all victims of violence and abuse send their attackers flowers and cheerleading notes of forgiveness or is it just mothers who are supposed to quite literally take it on the chin with a smile?

I wouldn't say you failed her, I would however say you are enabling her.

@Over40Overdating
Just mothers. We love them even if they are horrible
Or we don't deserve the name.

We still have boundaries and don't accept abuse, but we keep loving and forgiving.

OP and her DD love each other to bits but are too traumatised to be near each other right now. That doesn't have to lead to an unhealable rift.

@RatedDoingMagic you have a very warped and dangerous view of what women should accept in the name of motherhood.

If anyone should be sending flowers and letters of apologies it is the violent thug with form abusing people, not the victim.

I don't think this is just tantrums which she will grow out of. I think she sounds to have some serious anger control issues but how to get her to accept and do something about it, is beyond me.

There are several MI conditions which could be considered. One would be bipolar.

Right now, she won't even listen to you. She is so totally in the wrong here - it's nothing to do with anything you did - somehow she needs to accept this. I think involving the Police would be a mistake - then you become the 'bad' guy. Plus they are pretty clueless on this kind of thing. They are only allowed to intervene when someone wields a knife.

It sounds as if she has severe anger/emotional/psychological problems, but at her age I would expect her to have learned to manage them by now. She could probably benefit from counselling, but that is something she needs to realise herself and seek out. It must be very hard for you to cope with, especially as you have done so much to support her. I expect she will contact you in time, when she realises her 'emotional punchbag' is missing from her life and she has nobody but herself to turn to when things overwhelm her, but when she does you must make a stand over her attitude, let her know she had gone too far. Hope she comes to her senses sooner that later.

She sounds entitled.
She's attacked you in front of your own mother, HER own mother who is very unwell.
I'd say allow the door to be open if she ever comes back to say how sorry she is and how remorseful she feels that she did such an atrocious thing to you.

I paid my back £26k over years and it took years but I paid every single drop back to her.

I would stop helping her out from now (before now).

So sorry she's treated you like this.
You sound like a great mother btw x

I’d say enjoy the peace while it lasts! She’ll soon be back asking for money!!

This sounds horrific and so upsetting for you. You have been nothing but supportive, financially, practically and emotionally. I would think the best thing to do is give both of you some space and do not contact her at the moment. It sounds like you need to recuperate and protect yourself.

We had a similar situation with our DD who ran away at age 16 after a very turbulent 6 months beforehand when she was verbally and physically abusive to us both. She cut us off and ended up living in some very unsafe and squalid conditions. To cut a very long story short, she is now in her 20s and we reconnected a few years ago. She was hitting out at us because she was hurting emotionally and couldn't cope with it. From the comments she now makes, she appreciates us as supportive and loving parents.

I was just wondering what has sparked this behaviour? It sounds like she might be very unhappy from your description and she is taking this out on you in a very unacceptable way. On some level, she will realise the sacrifices you have made and I am sure she will miss your support.

Do you have a relative whom she gets on well with who might act as an intermediary? This is how we reconnected with our DD. She wouldn't listen to us, but she listened to our darling niece who brought us back together.

I wish you well, as it is heartbreaking when a child cuts you off. There is always something missing. I will keep my fingers crossed that you can work it out 💐 xx

I work in a field that requires a DBs and would not want her working with me or the humans in my care. Almost every field that requires a DBs is because it involves the elderly, children or otherwise vulnerable people.
Your child obviously 'does not play well with others'
She has a history of violence that appears to be escalating, no friends, her colleagues are excluding her, no partner.
She is dangerous.
What if she's working in a nursery and can't handle the crying children?
What if she's in a care home and becomes angry with a forgetful resident?
Her assault on you must be reported to the police to protect her and others.
I work with someone with an old incident on their DBs. It always pops up, they're always asked about it and their employers are always satisfied that they have grown and changed because of the evidenceable actions they has taken to better themselves (therapy)medication)
A blot on her DBs will not end her career, but it will flag up a potential risk she will have to discuss with employers
Do the right thing op, and keep her at arms length for your own safety and wellbeing.

It’s terrible and she absolutely shouldn’t have hit you. Dont forget she made a huge scarifice for you too. Her perspective may think the reason she went into the 4 year is because of the help she gave you. So maybe quid pro quo? A family member, who I love dearly uses emotional blackmail /guilt to see me/slend time with me, In your writing I can hear some of the same tone. It sounds like although you’ve helped you have expectations of payback She seems unhappy and struggling with relationships in general. So maybe as you’ve had your own problems your haven’t been able to give the support she needs … So maybe it’s not that healthy for you two to be in contact at the moment, as you seem to be cross with her and expect something from her and she’s furious with you and both of you think you’re right - especially if she’s resorted to violence which she hasn’t got a track record for. Sounds like a bit of space is the sensible thing

There’s always two sides to every story. I think youll just need to sit back and be extremely patient. She’ll tell you eventually what the problem really is if you don’t push. Just try being ever there and tell her you’ll always love her and you’ll wait. Admit to her you must have had a role in the relationship breakdown but that you just don’t understand what. If she thinks you’ll listen and not be defensive/throw it back on her she’ll tell you eventually. She only has one mum after all. Something has clearly gone badly wrong here and there’s been a big communication gap on both sides. The physical assault suggests she has feelings which are utterly emotionally overwhelming and too painful for her to put into words right now. This is why you need to wait. There’s no excusing it but it explains it I’m sure. You’ll need to summon all your mum strength and wait without judging if you want to be back in her life. It’s going to take huge patience, empathy and humility though so you need to weigh up if it’s worth it to you.

@Newbeginingssameoldshite Sounds like she has some deep long running anger issues. I was brought up in an abusive household and have moments of anger and anxiety, but I handle it by spending a lot of time on my own and working on myself. Can you suggest she speaks to her GP and seeks help, therapy may help. Seeing you very ill almost at deaths door must have been traumatising and difficult for her.
I don't agree with violence and I'm sorry you were literally her punching bag. Some time apart will help her grow and appreciate what you've done for her. Please look after yourself and do things you enjoy and recover from this deeply traumatic and upsetting situation.

This has been suggested a couple of times already on page 1 (not read the others), but the daughter has lashed out violently at least twice. She therefore should not be in a role that requires a DBS check, as she could potentially harm a vulnerable person. You need to her get her removed from that role asap and the only way to ensure that is to report her to the police for assaulting you.

Whoever it was who said they understand how you can't do that to your own daughter needs to think about how they would deal with seeing their daughter in prison and is an idiot.

I’m afraid you might just have to leave her to get on with it and make her own way in the world. Unfortunately she’ll have to learn that lashing out lat that is unacceptable and if she were to react like that with other people, police would be involved and consequences faced. Sometimes you just have to let people crash their own cars!

I'm so sorry for your awful situation both healthwise and with your daughter. I think she has serious mental health issues and really needs help. However, I don't think you should have contact until she acknowledges this and tries to get help.