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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

369 replies

Newbeginingssameoldshite · 31/01/2025 12:21

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

OP posts:
Middleagedspreadisreal · 01/02/2025 22:37

My estranged Son said to me and tells others he's happier without me. Amongst other hurtful things. As hard as it is, because you love her, you should try not to let her words destroy you. She's angry. It probably has nothing to do with you, but they hurt us because they can. They know we'll always be there. That doesn't make it alright. You need to take some control back. Look after your health first and foremost. Don't contact her. Let her cool off, however long it takes. She will be back. Don't let her control you x

Arran2024 · 01/02/2025 22:43

WeCanOnlyDoOurBest · 01/02/2025 21:33

If this is the case then OP’s DD should not be choosing the profession that she has. How can she cope effectively in her job?

Show quote history

That's a reasonable point. Thing is, some jobs offer enough independence that people with PDA can cope. My daughter works in a nursery. She has never been violent btw, just very upset. But anyway, the way nursery works, people rarely tell her what to do. She is just interacting with the children. I'm not saying there are no demands but it's manageable for her. Op's daughter could be similar.

Hunnybunny235 · 01/02/2025 22:43

I’m so sorry OP. Sounds like you have been through a lot. Let me start off by saying from the title I immediately and wrongfully judged your situation and assumed she would have a reason for cutting you off. But after reading this she is AWFUL, abusive and problem in need of severe help. Punching her own mother. Lord knows I’ve had some disagreements with my mother but I would never put my hands on her. So sorry you’re going through this and also sorry about your illness. Sounds like you’re very strong :) in this instance, you’re going to have to be strong again and when your daughter comes back (and she will) you have to cut off all contact and don’t even acknowledge her until she sorts herself out, like therapist and all.

SpiralHecate · 01/02/2025 22:46

It sounds like you need a break from her. She has a well paying job and it's time she took care of herself, she'll be fine without you for a while. Meanwhile you sound like you really need to focus on your own needs because you must be exhausted, no wonder your health is suffering. I get that she's your daughter and you love her, but you need boundaries and it's not okay for her to lay hands on you. She'll come back to you.

Mygrandkidsaregreat · 02/02/2025 00:13

I can see that you’ve both had an awful time the last few years.
your dd has given up a year of her life to come home and help out when you were so ill,delaying starting her working life and independence.
she has also probably supported you and your other dd emotionally.Im trying to advocate for your dd here and know this might not be what you want to hear.
you both sound emotionally rung out,and both feel the other should be more grateful than they are.
kayos24 described parenting styles well and is worth taking on board which type you may be.
My thoughts are that you now both need to be more independent of each other and find other people to emotionally support you.This may help both of you.
try to keep lines of communication open and treat each other as you would an adult female friend rather than mother ( the giver,helper and guidance figure)and daughter (the taker,and young person in need of guidance)
these roles have become blurred during the last few years.Your dd sounds angry at being treated sometimes as emotional support and other times as a child.
Try to give her space,and don’t give help or guidance unless asked.

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 02/02/2025 00:22

Crackednuts · 01/02/2025 21:20

She did punch her in the face 3 times. Your advice is to leave her for 6 months and then decide. The poor op was assaulted. I didn't get on with my mother but I would never punch her in the face.

Show quote history

Yes my advice is to leave her for a while while op recouperates and gets herself well, and then make decisions when she has had some space and time to recover from the last few years, which sound absolutely brutal.

I know op was assaulted, but the assault being by her daughter adds another layer of emotional complications in for op.

I don't see why you're objecting to me saying op should give herself time and space to heal before making any decisions.

IamMoodyBlue · 02/02/2025 01:10

This is a gutt wrenchingly awful situation for you.
There's one thing you need to understand though.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
On the contrary, you have been amazingly supportive and caring.
You did nothing wrong
You are blaming yourself because you are such a good mum. You can't believe that it's not because of you that your DD is behaving so terribly.
But it really is not.
Please believe that and be kinder to yourself.
All the best to you.

tobyds1808 · 02/02/2025 02:23

Whatever the reason I'm flabbergasted to read that your daughter hit you her you not once but 3 times on the face her mum. That's gone to far, my advice to you dear OP to stop thinking of her and instead just focus on your recuperating, on how to settle the mounting debt you'd accumulated to help yet she is ungrateful. To those who said there's more to it that that tramp lost her cool and hit her mom to start thinking before you start asking that question, no kids should shout nor a abuse their parents? Read the 10 commandments that states to Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother. Sad but true these days sad to say parents can't reprimand their touch me not children as for myself i wouldn't dare speak ill what more lay a finger on my dearest parents (now deceased, may they RIP) after what they'd sacrificed for me? Pray to God that's the only consolation for you, only He can give you the peace and comfort you're yearning for. Amen.

JournalistEmily · 02/02/2025 08:16

It should be you cutting her off! What hideous entitled behaviour from her. Leave her to stew a while I think - and no more money at all. She’s had
more than most kids get in a lifetime

gingerninja · 02/02/2025 08:59

Newbeginingssameoldshite · 31/01/2025 18:35

I want address a few points raised.

Regardless of what has occurred she is my child and I love her dearly and I absolutely will not be reporting her. This would end her just as she is starting out.

I am not painting nyself as whiter than white. I was a young single mother working full time and of course I made mistakes along the way.

But I have always tried to put my children first above my own needs and have provided all their wants as well.as needs.

We usually have a good relationship. I'm her go to in times of need emotionally etc for advice and guidance.

I did not ask her to return to care for me. She made that choice herself and had already fallen behind. Most likely due to the stress of my illness, she has admitted to me that she really thought I would die. (At times it did look that way)

It is possible she has Asd/ADSD which she recognises herself and has somewhat self diagnosed. Example if in the car with me and seat belt alam on for more that 30 seconds she will melt down. Also states overestimation in other circumstances.

Her father has MH issues and isn't in mainstream society and has been absent for a long time, but was an active parent before his MH breakdown so she struggles with abandonment complex. She has had counciing in the past.

She does have a tendancy to over react and her friendships/relationships have suffered in the past because of this.

I used the term ranting, I was not shouting, I was having a passionate conversation with my mother about a personal situation I was apeaved with that was not directed at her but she had made comment about when she lost her temper.

She will not speak to.me or my mother at all. My mother spoke to her when the incident happened as she tried to rewrite the narrative and my mum corrected her version of events.

I will not be making any further updates, I feel.bad enough as it is, like I've failed her as well as myself and I'm guilt ridden for asking her to leave. Had I'd have allowed her to return we probably wouldn't be where we are now, but I was hurt, angry and upset and needed space in a place where I didn't feel i was on eggshells all the time... that decision has clearly cost me my relationship with her.

There is no rule book to raising kids and we all try to do our best in the situations we find ourselves in. Don’t punish yourself, you are doing your best. My teenage AuDHD daughter has big emotions and struggles to manage them properly. Her reactions appear disproportionate but she struggles to recognise the build up of anxiety and emotion and then they become overwhelming and she lashes out (never physically but she can be nasty). I am trying my best to model good behaviour and proportionate responses and call her out on hers but it’s really difficult to get to the root cause if they can’t recognise it in themselves. (She is remorseful afterwards but can’t explain it) I’m not excusing the angry or violent responses I’m just saying, if she is ASD it may be that the techniques for managing and tackling her behaviour are going to have to be different. Hope things smooth over soon.

AnEnglishCircedee · 02/02/2025 09:03

I’m so sorry for you . I think it’s best you let her go . She has a place to live she has a job and earns well . Let her live and find her way . And you to live and look after yourself and younger dd.
you can write a letter to her explaining you love her and she is always going to be important to you and suggest she should be speak to her GP about her violent outbreaks and it’s best you both have space and time but let’s still keep in touch birthdays , Christmas ,a card ,a message . But imminently let her go …

Summerhut2025 · 02/02/2025 09:05

My man has a thing for looking at models on IG and FB and I keep catching him liking their pics or loving their stories!! I know they aren’t “real” women who are going to contact him but I’ve told him over and over again I find it disloyal and disrespectful and will he stop. I get men look but he’s in a relationship with me so I find it disrespectful that he has to react. I’ve just caught him again and I’m at the end of my tether. Am I overreacting or is this a normal thing now with social media that I have to accept? He’s not exactly young neither he’s 44! I just find it sleazy… would you?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/02/2025 09:09

If she's going to be a teacher or a health carer I'm very worried for those in her care.

Focus on you op. She will come back but you can make clear that the door is open you're end (not for her to move back in though) and that you love her and perhaps send her some support helplines for her mental health.

Focus on your own health and your finances in order in the meantime. She might need to deal with the real world for a while before she appreciates you.

When someone hits never ever try to protect them by blaming yourself for them having a police record.

tommyhoundmum · 02/02/2025 09:16

Be strong and continue to be the adult she isn't. It's good she is moving out. Counselling might help her but what will help her more to mature is the reponsibilities of a full time job and her own home. Let her get on with it. You deserve a break. Good luck.

ForPearlPeer · 02/02/2025 09:17

Just let her go. You both need healing. Cut your losses and be sure she will be back. I had similar at home and now we both have boundaries that we both respect.

It is hurtful. But her going will give you some breathing space.

Bugbabe1970 · 02/02/2025 09:17

Jesus Christ - she sounds like a spoilt entitled brat OP. You need to put more boundaries in place and stop being such a walk over - well I guess that’s maybe what you’ve done and she’s reacted because she’s so used to getting her own way! You’ll hear from her when she needs something but I hope for your sake you’ll start thinking of yourself before bending over backwards for her again!

RatedDoingMagic · 02/02/2025 09:40

It's not surprising the relationship has broken down after so many years of unbearable stress. She cracked under the strain of all the resentment for everything she has sacrificed for you which you find difficult to see as you have sacrificed so much for her. Some distance between you is right, for now.

Forgive her the money you lent her.
Send her flowers at her new place with a note saying "I am so sorry we argued. Nothing will ever stop me from loving you. You are right we need some time to recover from the enormous stress of the last few years and living separately will help both of us. You have gone through a huge amount, supporting me in years that should have been carefree. That you have qualified and got a job despite all that is amazing and I am so proud of you. I hope we will be able to make up and mend things between us in time."

(Edit PS - I am not disagreeing that she's being rather unreasonable and a brat but it's not important to be "right" under these circumstances, but to mend bridges. If she can live independently from OP now that is good, and conciliatory words are better than thr moral high ground)

Nanny1965 · 02/02/2025 10:17

Newbeginingssameoldshite · 31/01/2025 12:21

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

They do that sometimes. She will come back. Mine took 15 yrs but we ok now. Guess that's what we take on as parents.

She sounds like shes struggling with something obviously. Maybe identity crisis now she has to be a grown up.
Punching you in the face x 3 whether it's a full on punch or a slap with an open hand is out of order. Abusive little sod.

Let her crack on. She will realise soon enough what you did for her.

I still send cards and gifts and texts during our separation..

Give her some time in her grown up world see how she fares.

Feministamum · 02/02/2025 10:32

You have both had a lot of stress; you are a good mother and she has tried to be a good daughter, but your daughter is an adult now so her decision to sever contact with you must be respected. Although stepping back can be hard you have the comfort of knowing she has a job and is financially stable now.

Although she doesn't want any contact with you at present, knowing your current financial situation, your daughter should have offered to help to reduce the debt you have accrued on her behalf. She should have also apologised for hitting you, and I hope that she gets some counselling help with her anger and interpersonal relationships when she is ready to.

HardyCrow · 02/02/2025 12:08

Twatalert · 31/01/2025 14:36

How exactly do you think people become 'deranged'? Do you think people are born like this?

Show quote history

Some people are born like this, some people are selfish and entitled and don’t care who they hurt if they don’t get what they want. And parents arnt the only influence on children.

Dutchhouse14 · 02/02/2025 12:42

I haven't read the whole thread but what came to my mind is does she have any neurodiversity/autism?
I think this is worth considering.
She is going through an awful lot of change and clearly has difficulties with personal relationships which makes her feel isolated and now she's moving out of family home which will make her feel even more isolated. Was she ready to move out or does she feel pushed?
Because you are her mum and closest to her she is taking it all out on you as she probably can't identify, regulate and communicate her emotions and is probably stressed and coping with a lot of change which if she is ND will be very hard to cope with.
I'm not making excuses just trying to figure out why is is behaving like this
I think she needs support, clearly hitting you is not acceptable.
However it did strike me she moved back home from. Uni to care and lsupport you and her younger sibling so she obviously can be very kind, but something more is going on here.

Arran2024 · 02/02/2025 13:50

Dutchhouse14 · 02/02/2025 12:42

I haven't read the whole thread but what came to my mind is does she have any neurodiversity/autism?
I think this is worth considering.
She is going through an awful lot of change and clearly has difficulties with personal relationships which makes her feel isolated and now she's moving out of family home which will make her feel even more isolated. Was she ready to move out or does she feel pushed?
Because you are her mum and closest to her she is taking it all out on you as she probably can't identify, regulate and communicate her emotions and is probably stressed and coping with a lot of change which if she is ND will be very hard to cope with.
I'm not making excuses just trying to figure out why is is behaving like this
I think she needs support, clearly hitting you is not acceptable.
However it did strike me she moved back home from. Uni to care and lsupport you and her younger sibling so she obviously can be very kind, but something more is going on here.

She mentioned possible asd at one point and I suggested she look at PDA

Mabelthetable · 02/02/2025 13:55

It sounds as though she might have undiagnosed bipolar or BPD. It's hard to know her experience of your relationship, but she has clearly tried to be supportive of you until recently. Of course you shouldn't report her. You need to set some boundaries, and tell her you love her and when she's ready, you'd like to talk about why she's so angry. I think your relationship can be rescued.

Fishandchipsareyum · 02/02/2025 14:23

From personal experience... I know it must hurt, but she will be back !

CaribouCarafe · 02/02/2025 14:26

Call me cynical but are we sure she moved back during her uni years due to altruism or is it likely that it was some form of escapism as she wasn't coping with uni? Because if so, it's not an example of a sacrifice she made for her mum, just another example of her inability to cope with stress.

She definitely needs help with managing her emotions, but that has to happen away from OP. OP shouldn't be making any apologies whatsoever, regardless of what caused DD to lash out - the rule remains, you don't punch others unless you are physically in danger. Especially disgusting to lash out on someone more vulnerable (which OP is with her health conditions).