Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

[Newbeginingssameoldshite]

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

It sounds like there has been resentment simmering on both sides.

Apologies - I didn't see the update. She needs professional help before she gets arrested.

Also, you would be surprised how many mothers have had a teen or young adult child hit or scream in their face. I know of several instances in my circle. They’ve been one offs generally though.

Seems it’s not overnight. She has historical violent outbursts.

She sounds like a nightmare and daughter or not I’d be glad to see the back of her (for a while at least).

She needs some anger management. I don’t know what job she does but if it needs a dbs check she sounds unsuitable for it.

Sorry OP, but she's going to be arrested at some point. Her behaviour sounds like it escalating and she will hit the wrong person.

Sadly, this may actually be a good thing as she doesn't sound well and may not be suitable to work in the field she's chosen.

It may make her get the help she clearly needs as none of this behaviour is normal or acceptable.

Best thing you can do is get yourself on an even keel and focus on your own health and safety first. Then you'll be stronger and able to deal with the next step.

She's one ungrateful daughter. Leave her be, hard as it may be. You don't need the stress of her behaviour impacting on your life and your finances. I hope to goodness you are not a guarantor for her for this new flat. She needs to learn that her behaviour has consequences. Which she needs to deal with instead of being baled out by you. Your younger child needs to learn that is not how you behave.

I'm so sorry this selfish young woman has put you through all this 💐

It honestly sounds like she is mentally unwell in some way and has been for some time. This doesn't make it acceptable but it might help you to think of her as ill and not in control of her actions and that it isn't a rational response to any disagreement you have had, she is unstable and in an ideal world needs help/treatment. Unfortunately given she is an adult now there is going to be a limit to what you can do, other than make sure you protect yourself in the future.
Lashing out violently to her flatmates or to you is not normal and should not have just been swept under the carpet and forgotten about.

If she’s capable of punching someone in the face then frankly I wouldn’t want her employed to be anywhere near my loved ones.

Report her

I would also get yourself some therapy for support OP. You say you were ranting - it should be possible to express yourself without ranting? I get that we all go there and you have certainly had enough stress for a lifetime over the last few years - but perhaps you also need to be in a calmer place to be around her?

@Newbeginingssameoldshite This is deeply shocking.
No wonder she has trouble keeping house shares - and I’d be concerned about her being aggressive with a vulnerable person ( DBS checks)
If she hit her own Ill mother in the face what hope for others whom she works with?

You have given her so much- maybe too much- and she’s thrown it back in your face.

She’ll come crawling back when she wants money or is evicted.

So sorry this is happening to you.

I'd make her work really hard when she wants you(r money) again.

Sorry - she sounds selfish and horrible

Think you just need some time apart OP.

I think this is anger talking and not a rationally thought out I need to cut my parent off.

When she text you - was it in response to a text you had sent her, or did it just come out the blue?

If it just came out the blue then I'd urge you to not reply. Just leave it alone. Don't reply.

Sometimes silence is golden - whatever you say will fuel whatever resentment and anger she has. When people step back and say nothing - it makes a person question - why? Then they have no choice but to reflect on their own behaviour.

If you haven't heard from her in a month - then drop a text and say - shall we meet for a coffee to talk things out? And leave it at that.

You say she needs a DBS for the job she is wanting to do - is she going to be working with children on vulnerable people?

This.

If she’s capable of flipping like this and punching someone in the face she has absolutely no business being near vulnerable people.

Better off with out her OP, I know it's difficult but you have done more than enough to help her. I would have dropped her long before this tbh, she needed to start growing up sometime ago.
Report the assault, the dbs is going to mean nothing if she is capble of these out bursts. She might hit someone else and it could end up as very serious.
People have died after being punched once.

What was she like during the time she was caring for you and sibling? Same behaviour or different?

It’s almost always working with children or vulnerable people that the DBS checks are used for.
Where a volatile aggressive physical response is absolutely not wanted.

Maybe she is mentally ill - but as PP have said “Ranting “ by OP isn’t great either.

If screaming and shouting is the usual method of communication, then both probably need help to communicate calmly- But does sound like the adult daughter has “Issues” If aggression is the go to response to stress.

But don’t give that line headroom. You know she has been violent in other settings.l so it makes no sense. This isn’t you, it’s her.

Your only error here is in doing too much - her behaviour has been poor for a long time. If my Ds24 had treated the house with control we would have sent him on his way.

From what you describe she has problems, either with being without a dad, or being in torment with your illnesses, not being able to get along with people, wasting years of education, anger management. I would leave her for now and let her be

Sorry OP but she sounds horrendous. People with no friends who seem to make an enemy out of just about everyone in their life at some point never seem to grasp that they are the common denominator. Being happy to take thousands in rent and a car her sick mum paid for at her big age and then punching her in the face is absolutely abhorrent behaviour.

Sounds awful, but one where I would like to hear the story from her perspective.

I would not contact the police on her for now and just let her be. She has had a hard life, cannot keep friends and is tormented. Why would I bring more torment to my child or calling her mentally ill - come on, have some grace

If she suddenly appears and goes physical, steals or etc, yes, do call the police this time

Her perspective is not going to be very rational if she is capable of punching her own Mother in the face !

She would have said what ever she could to cause maximum impact and upset. This is not uncommon with BPD for which she needs help. It sounds shit in a time when you should have her support but it is not your fault, you need space to focus on yourself while she accesses the support she needs.

It does sound like she may have BPD. Her behaviour is unacceptable and you need to make it very clear the violence crossed a line. I think she will come back to you and this is an outburst trying to get you to roll over and ask for her to come back, like a push pull. Just leave her some space to cool off.