Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

[Newbeginingssameoldshite]

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

You need to report her to the police. How are you going to feel if someone at work confronts her and she hurts them? She’s clearly got a problem and you need to show her that there are consequences to her actions instead of covering for her.

she’s an adult.

I haven’t read all the replies, I can’t.
I have a none relationship with my eldest son and although it’s a different backstory the end is the same.

You are you, you have done nothing to force this behaviour - she s an adult that chooses or can’t control her behaviour, you wouldn’t accept this from any other adult so you can’t accept it from her.

she is not a small child needing guidance and support - she is not reliant on you now for financial or emotional support and so you have to accept that she doesn’t want to be part of your life (for now)

She will have to learn the proverbial hard way and she will either want to be back in your life at some point or she won’t and you cannot control this- so focus on yourself and the children that are with you and just get on with life.

That is awful. It sounds like you have sacrificed so much in such hard circumstances to help her along. I really feel for you. She doesn't sound like she is in her right mind. I don't know what you can do. She sounds like she needs serious help, but she's also distanced herself from you. Can your mum advise her to seek help? I know they are also not talking, but maybe she could get through to her if they don't go over what happened. From what you say I don't think you'll get any rational thought or compassion out of your DD at the moment. So sorry for you!

@Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz apply that line of questioning next time someone says they have been violently attacked by their husband or a stranger in the street. What reaction would you expect? Would it even occur to you to do it?

Yet somehow because this is a woman being punched by her ADULT child, an excuse must be found to ensure the person to be blamed is the victim.

What’s also relevant here, which you have conveniently failed to mention, is that the daughter has such form for being violent she’s had to leave a house share as a result of her actions.

But, no, let’s work out how a woman having a conversation with another adult is totally to blame for being attacked by someone who was in no way involved in the conversation and immediately tried to gaslight everyone present to deny her actions.

This place is genuinely insane at times but this thread is a new low.

Right - there’s always two sides to every story. I’m not being unfair to you, this is just a simple fact. Do not make it anymore of an issue than it already is by complaining to her about this. Leave it alone for now, other than to say, ‘I’m here for you if you change your mind’. She needs to go away, think it all through and will be back in touch before too long I’m sure. She has issues with expressing herself and handling relationships with others. You can’t force someone to grow up though. You also can’t force self reflection. Telling her she needs to would be a massive mistake. Just keep silent, don’t aggravate anything and wait. It will be fine I’m sure.

I’ve written a reply to the OP earlier on fully supporting her and telling her that her daughter sounded spoilt and entitled, it was just a passing thought as I continued to receive notifications from the thread.
I’m sorry if it came across as excusing the daughters behaviour, that wasn’t my intention. I just thought had OP considered the topic she was ranting about that’s all. Not to excuse it, but just as a way for OP to unpick it as she seems adamant she wants to reconnect to her daughter.

Oh don’t worry she’ll be back. Honestly sounds like you’re the best thing in her life. But I would definitely keep a respectful distance when she does come back. It sounds like she’s due a few more trip ups before she pulls her life together, and it reads like you’ve rescued her on a number of occasions - that’s probably a cycle you need to break. She needs to learn to pick herself up, and dust herself off.

I’m sorry but if she is in employment that requires a DBS then you should report her violent outbursts as it is quite possible that this could happen at work.

You are in an awful situation and I do feel for you, but how would you feel if someone at her work was attacked?

I hope your health improves x

It’s all good and well saying you won’t report her but she’s a danger. If anything happens to someone in her care you’ll be just as responsible as she is.

stop making excuses for her. No parent is perfect but very few kids that have hard lives punch their mother 3 times in the face for no reason (not that there is ANY reason to do that).
I had an appalling childhood (and until a few years ago an appalling adulthood) and I’ve never been violent in my life.

Sorry to hear how your dd has treated you and I would not like this either especially after you helped her so much. I would give her the space she needs but don’t give up on her definitely don’t report her she’s your dd of course you love her and this hurts like mad but never give up hope. Things are said and she might be regretting them but too embarrassed to face you. Send her a card at the end of feb if she hasn’t been in touch telling her your sorry about shouting and tell her you love her and if she doesn’t want you in her life you can never stop loving her no matter what’s gone on. Ps she might be going through something that is troubling her and won’t talk about it. I know your done with the thread but not everything is black and white.

I had crazy outbursts like this...at 13. A 25 year old who reacts like this is a sign that something is off. You need to stay away from her for your own sanity.

Consequences for actions
Only way she'll learn.
From your post op I don't think she gets the enormity of the financial help and sacrifices you've made to help her.

Giving her everything has resulted in this behaviour. You need to make changes she she should not be working with vulnerable people she is an unstable thug. You should cut contact until she's gets professional help.

I’d like to hear the DD’s side

you say she failed her 3rd year because she couldn’t do a placement because she had to parent her younger sibling. Maybe she feels like you didn’t appreciate her own sacrifices

and what were you talking about in her personal life? Have you had several relationships and maybe that triggers her?

@Newbeginingssameoldshite, my DD cut me off after I went through a really difficult divorce with her Dad caused by him cheating on me. DD was always a Daddy's girl. DH wanted to come back to me and I said no and filed for the divorce. DD rang me up begging me to take him back I refused. She slammed the phone down on me. I wrote to her explaining I couldn't take her Dad back because I no longer trusted him but it should not affect her relationship with either of us as we both loved her. I heard nothing from her. I left it a few weeks for her to calm down then texted her. She did not reply. I rang her and she did not answer my call so I left a message asking her to please call me. She never called. I was heartbroken. She was 22 at the time. When she was 26 she contacted her brother who she also had refused to speak to because he lived at home with me. She said she was getting married and wanted to know if she invited me and new DH by this point would I go. I told my son yes. I heard nothing for another 4 or 5 months then a wedding invitation came through the post with a new phone number on. I had tried over the years calling her several times but had always got the number not in use. We met up once before her wedding. It was good to see her but it was an awkward meeting. Me DH and her brother attended the wedding. We have both worked hard to try to rebuild our relationship. It took time. She has given me 2 DGC. Our relationship is now good again. We are still not as close as before because I always wonder in the back of my mind if she'd ever do it again. I think it took about 3-4 years to rebuild our relationship but we both wanted to do so. Your DD may be gone to you now but in time she might come back. Don't give up.

This is the first time I've posted on here.For your daughter to assault you in that way is horrific.Especially when all you've done is support her, when you are ill yourself.Sorry to be blunt but she should be ashamed of herself and she should think herself lucky she still has you.I lost my lovely Mum 6 years ago, we never had a cross word and I missed her everyday I would never disrespect my parents in that way.I think you need to leave her to her own devices and concentrate on yourself.Take care

Unfortunately, many people take the piss once you start sacrificing your own needs for them. People are very quick to turn gratitude into entitlement, and once you start asserting boundaries they respond in anger when they're used to walking all over you.

Your DD made some bad choices and is trying to redirect her anger and sadness onto you, not necessarily because of anything you did or didn't do but because you're an easy target - she can punch you and still be safe in the knowledge that you love her. People with attachment disorders or ASD often lash out most to those they are most comfortable with (at least in my experience), whilst often being hyper-cautious and well-behaved around others.

OP, let her make the first contact with you but in the meantime it might be worth getting some therapy for yourself so that you're in the best possible mental space for when she (inevitably) wants to return - you need to assert your boundaries and make it clear that you're not her servant or her punching bag, and if she wants a relationship then she has to respect you with the same level of respect that she expects for herself.

You love her so much but she takes it for granted.

It won’t hurt her to adult alone for a while.

Project a bad example onto everyone in an out-group why don't you, it is the modern trend in the UK these days. 🙄

I would strongly suspect that the OPs daughter is an extreme anomaly, not the normal.

Reading this I honestly think she needs anger management. But, she's cut you off, so I'd say, let her get on with her life the way she wants to. You concentrate on your other daughter and on getting better health-wise yourself. May be try to sort the debts out by going to citizens advice or a debt company so that you can manage without working every hour God sends but still reduced your debts. IF DC asks to come back home insist she sees doctor about anger management, or say NO end of.

Leave her be, let her see for herself the mistake she’s made. Punching someone in the face, let alone her mother, is a despicable act of violence and should not be tolerated.
I’m shocked that she’s going into a challenging profession which requires the very opposite of her personality, and I can’t see it lasting if she can’t control her temper. Eventually she’ll come crawling home with the begging bowl because it’s clear she’ll snap and lose her job, and if it were me I’d tell her to f**k off.

Hi. I haven't read all the posts but I did notice you mentioned she might have autism. I wanted to suggest you look into PDA specifically ( Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome). My daughter has it. The main symptoms is that they can't cope with demands and have a panic attack when overwhelmed, so the idea is to not make any direct demands but to couch things in a less direct way, or you get a complete flip out.

I have to be very careful round my daughter not to trigger her. She was diagnosed aged 7 and she is 25 now and has moved out but it was so stressful when she lived here.

Hugs xxx

I don’t think you’ve failed her at all OP. You’ve supported her financially far more than a lot of parents can or will. You’re coping with illness, working and the responsibility of younger children.
Your eldest is an adult and should be able to control herself. I only hope her job is some sort of non public facing and she doesn’t work with vulnerable people or children.
Look after yourself.

I'm sorry you're going through this experience. Having been through a very similar experience with my daughter, please feel reassured this is not forever. Her life will NOT be better without you and she WILL need you. Parents will always be the most forgiving people in a young persons life and if she is impulsive, quick to anger and acts before she thinks, friends, colleagues and employers will not be as accommodating as you are, and she will be back. She will apologise, but she will also give a reason/excuse to substantiate her behaviour. Some young people haven't reached cognitive or emotional maturity at 25 particularly those who are neurodiverse. Sometimes health conditions can lead to loss of control too e.g. high testosterone levels in women with PCOS and other endocrine changes can affect mood and behaviour. Think of her as being away temporarily, remember her when she was the person you enjoyed being with, send the occasional message to say you love her but enjoy the serenity in your life in the meantime. You've done the right thing by having the strength to demonstrate that you have self respect and she needs to respect you. A charity called Family Lives are a good source of support if you need to talk to anyone.