Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

[Newbeginingssameoldshite]

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

Did she leave bruises?

does she know what she did, or was the red mist on her? Especially as it sounds like she’s already rewriting her version.

Im sure she will come back in time. Keep the lines of communication open. Did you message her back? Keep your own boundaries in place.

Hope your medical treatments are a success

It is possible she has Asd/ADSD which she recognises herself and has somewhat self diagnosed. Example if in the car with me and seat belt alam on for more that 30 seconds she will melt down. Also states overestimation in other circumstances.

She needs an official assessment, the ranting from you could have caused her to be overstimulated and have a meltdown. Please note I'm NOT blaming you and I fully accept not everyone with ASD will lose it like this and be violent.

My dd is autistic and while she's never punched me she can be fine one minute and totally lose it the next, total meltdown. AFAIK this has never happened at work though or uni so does only tend to happen in a space where she feels safer I guess. DD also rewrites the narrative big time. With medication your dd might be able to cope better. Looking back I think my mum was probably also autistic, again melt downs over fairly mild stuff, trail of broken friendships, relationships, over reactions. She was violent to me and my brother when we were young, stabbed my dad....she was a teacher but again always managed to be in control at work.

I would text your dd back and tell her that rather than be self diagnosing and doing nothing she needs to see her GP and get support. She can't live her life like this.

And after this I would not contact her and leave the ball in her court.

I really feel for you Op, you sound like you’ve had a really awful time of it.
I think the physical attack against you means that a line has been crossed, and you can’t really go back….
Even overlooking the disrespectful attitude at home, leaving the dirty dishes etc what happened it the car will not really be able to be forgotten, even if you forgive her for it.
I would let her cut you off, I’m not sure it will be permanent and it’s more than likely she feels very embarrassed.
One of my own children is ASD and will lash out verbally or throw things but has never put their hands on me, so this shouldn’t really be used as an excuse for her behaviour. I have told mine that the world is not going to change to fit them into it and they need to adapt slightly and his consultant has given him coping strategies for when he is feeling overwhelmed.
My own Mum was very much less than perfect, but she did her best with what she was dealing with at the time, I’ve never laid a finger on her…
You need to stop blaming yourself and concentrate on healing, if your daughter extends an olive branch. I would meet her on neutral ground and suggest she seek help to control her outbursts, especially as she seems to feel able to attack not just her family but friends/house mates as well because at some point someone will press charges and it will ruin her life.

Wow . Your daughter is very entitled . I think the issue is you have done to much for her . You need to step back and let her fall down for herself . No loans , no help moving , no guarantor . She needs to grow up . Violence is never the way

From what you've written I'm.thinking she is mentally unwell, this in no way excuses her behaviour but it does need addressing, although it's unlikely she'll accept this from you at the moment. I wonder if she carries on with her behaviour maybe someone will take it out of your hands. Hard as it is you need to prioritise yourself at the minute and get yourself well.Good luck 😘

You’ve done nothing wrong. I think she might have PTSD or
C- PTSD potentially from the trauma of thinking you were going to die. I’m not diagnosing obviously but if this behaviour started around this time the lashing out, violent outbursts etc, whilst beyond unacceptable could be an extreme trauma response for which she really needs help. Again. I’m on your side, I couldn’t cut my child off either m. I’m so sorry you are going through and have gone through everything OP.

I'm so sorry. You've done your best for her all these years, and you shouldn't feel guilty. If you hadn't asked her to leave, it's difficult to see how the relationship could have continued anyway - things would probably have got worse.

She clearly has MH problems and it's often very hard for family and friends to know what to do for the best.

You haven't failed her, or yourself - you've made the best decisions you could at the time.

I'm really sorry that she's treating you like this. That is really horrible behaviour, and it sounds abusive - parent to child abuse is often discussed, but child to parent abuse isn't talked about enough. People who are asking what you said (i.e. implying you might have 'deserved' it) - honestly, I don't think you could do anything terrible enough to deserve being hit, ever. I suppose one question I do have is where this behaviour comes from. I have a couple of theories.

• was she hit as a child? This can teach a child that hitting is an ok way to act
• has something traumatic happened to her recently?
• potential personality disorder?
• potential serious mental illness?
• potential anger management issues?

If she needs a DBS check, that suggests that she's working with children and/or vulnerable people, and at the moment she doesn't sound safe for either of those groups to be around. This is a tricky situation as you don't want to ruin your daughter's life, I agree, but also that kind of behaviour isn't ok, especially as you say it was repeated with her housemates. That being said, I'm not sure if simply reporting your daughter to the police will actually ruin her career - I'm pretty sure a DBS check only includes CONVICTED crimes, not just things people have been reported for. So unless you went through with criminal proceedings, I don't think it would show up. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong on this though!

She is lucky she hasn’t been reported by anyone else. It seems like it will only be a matter of time. Not being able to make friends isn’t good. But when you can’t even be civil to your mother what’s she going to do at work when someone does something she doesn’t like !

I agree that she may have PTSD from being scared that you would die. Rageful outbursts are a characteristic of PTSD. I would leave it a few days and then text saying you love her and suggest she see a GP, but that her physical violence has hurt you deeply (it is important to not excuse this.) Everything I have read about parental estrangement sees the parents apparently baffled by their child’s anger, it’s as though they can’t face confronting anything they might have done wrong and so blank it out and say the outburst from their child has come from nowhere. A general apology or something like, “I am so sad and so sorry that you have issues with how you were raised” might be enough to cool some of that resentment. There’s no harm in admitting you weren’t perfect, it doesn’t mean you think violence is OK. It paves the way for her to apologise, too, which I expect she will.

I think you will get her back, but give it time. I expect she will feel deeply ashamed, especially if she is dealing with PTSD or undiagnosed ASD. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but not all is lost.

This - if she can’t control her temper she shouldn’t be in whatever job it is that needs dbs. Please report the assault

Well said!

Very kindly we are only getting your side of the story. I am estranged from my parents and if you were to ask them why, they would say they didn’t know.

Punching you is extreme behaviour. Is she taking drugs?

Some of these responses are barmy.

For all the ‘ooooh there’s another side, her needs weren’t met as a child, OP has probably been abusing her but won’t admit it’ - I have one parent with a chronic illness who has used that to dominate every aspect of everyone’s life for the last 50 years and another who has been physically, emotionally and verbally abusive for the same length of time. Neither of them have done a tenth for me of what OP has done for her child.

For all the trauma that has left me with not once has it lead me to punching either of them. And I’m neurodivergent.

The excusing of what is common or garden thuggery as a trauma response or neurodiversity is hugely offensive to those of us who don’t act this way.

If the daughter was so out of control she couldn’t help herself, why did she immediately try to reinvent the story to play down her part? She had plenty of presence of mind to know she looked bad and has cut off the other witness for not backing her twisted version of events.

Sometimes people act out because they are spoiled, immature and want to use violence to intimidate people.

@2021x regardless of what went before, OP was punched 3 times in the face. Her daughter has form for using violence against other people - are you assuming those people were to blame?

Punching is not extreme behaviour it is extreme violence from someone with a history of it.

If someone approached you in the street and punched you 3 times would you be happy for people to tell you there must be more to it?

OP your safety and mental health needs to be prioritised.
Don't let her move back in when she no doubt asks later. Let her go her own way.

Yes, you gave her life but she's an adult now and she's chosen to be an abuser.
Let her go!

You need to concentrate on yourself and your recovery and protect your other children.

I would have nothing more to do with my (now adult) children if they assaulted me.

You poor woman.
She is extremely violent.
I think you must be minimising as that is truly shocking.
I hade to think of what work she does that needs DBS checking, yet she is clearly violent.
Let her off, you absolutely did the right thing asking her to leave.
I am so sorry it sounds very upsetting.

@Newbeginingssameoldshite so sorry you are going through this…and please don’t take the comments personally. It can be tough having your choices being picked apart by strangers online who don’t know the full story ( myself included)

there’s no question your daughter’s actions have been unacceptable against you.

some responses may have been brutal, but I think it’s useful for people to maybe try to articulate how it might feel for her on the other side of the story. That is not to let her off the hook, but it sounds like there’s maybe some neurodiversity which has never been picked up by anyone because girls present differently. Please don’t take it as a criticism of your parenting. As you say we’ve all made mistakes ( I know I have!) so when people are questioning, then it’s to understand where this behaviour is coming from.

it is interesting that you say her father struggles with his MH - could he also be undiagnosed ND and been struggling all this time ? When my DS was diagnosed- it transpired by then DH was also autistic- it’s 80% hereditary

She sounds quite unwell mentally but there is nothing you can do. Don't give her more money.

OP I'm really sorry. I have a volatile relationship with one of my daughters, with a fair bit of verbal abuse from her, so I have an inkling (no more than that) what this may feel like.

If she tried to rewrite history almost as soon as it happened, then she must know at some level that what she did was very wrong, and embarrassment is likely to be one driver of her decision to cut you off. But she's clearly not ready to face up to what she has done, and by the sound of it, keeps doing.

I second the PPs who say you need to focus on yourself, your own healing and wellbeing. It's hard, but you need to step back from the situation, emotionally, intellectually and practically. Think less about her, take a deep breath, and certainly provide no further cash. You don't have to parse that refusal (if it comes to that) as a punishment; you quite plainly have no money to spare. Really, as you know, she should be paying back to you at this point.

Can you get any advice on managing your debt, a repayment plan that enables you to lower your workload? It sounds brutal.

Try to think long term. She clearly has a lot to learn in her social relations, and a lot to work through with her two unwell parents. Leave her to it for now; she can't learn what she needs to learn now from you. It's heartbreaking, but don't blame yourself; don't wonder what you should have done differently.

Here's hoping she'll come back eventually, and not asking for money. People do surprise you sometimes. All the best.

Parents do call police, and sometimes police can give a timely warning that can help stop aggressive behaviour.

Punching her mother in the face three times is really violent behaviour, and clearly this 25 year old woman has issues getting along with housemates and workmates as well as her own mother.

A few 'spats' when in shared accommodation as a uni student or whatever are perfectly normal {Usually over trivia} and people learn to be more reasonable {Not to be so messy/not to use other's food/to pay shared bills on time}.

She should not be in any job that requires a dbs. She is too volatile and dangerous

I can’t imagine how horrible that must feel. I’d be devastated if my daughter clinched me and cut me off.

But it sounds like you’ve sacrificed enough for her. Time to be “selfish”, put yourself first, spend money on yourself when possible, and do things you enjoy. If you don’t report the assault, at least pursue the money she owes you.

Sounds like she has been very unreasonable. It sounds like she has a problem with some relationships for some reason. It also sounds like she’s frustrated and not happy.

It sounds like you’ve done everything you can do, so you should rest easy.

Is there someone a friend or another family member who you could talk to and then for them to contact your daughter? They could explain the situation and that you are very upset.

It’s completely wrong that she punches you, I understand you’re not calling the police. She should be made to realise that wasn’t right and in the very least apologise.

I think some people people reacting here missing the point when they say you should cut her off. Maybe you could suggest some kind of relationship counselling for the two of you together.

That way, it will seem like you are getting at her, so she won’t be defensive.

Sounds like you have done everything you can do here, I hope you manage to sort things out.