Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

[Newbeginingssameoldshite]

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

You're doing your daughter a disservice by not reporting her. You're her mum, not her friend. If my child did this I would teach them some tough love and ruin their career.

She's ruined your stability with debt, been kicked out of uni housing because she was probably vile to the people there, and sounds like she has internalised and bottled up a load of resentment and hate over your illness; thus prolonging her studying - She is taking it out on you. This should not be condoned.

Report her to the police and take her to a small claims court to claw back all of the money you gave her, putting you in debt.

Parenting is sometimes going down the hardest path to make the best choice. You can also have her sectioned if you declare her medically incapable. It sounds like she's harbouring something and needs professional help, either way. You can even do a adult safeguarding referral to the local LA.

100%

This doesn’t sound so straightforward to me.
That does sound awful and obviously she can’t punch you in the face.
It sounds like it’s been a really stressful few years all round and perhaps she has felt the Burdin/ stress of your illness whilst going through university which is mega stressful in its self . I’m definitely not excusing her behaviour but it doesn’t sound so black and white.
I would give her some space, she will come back I’m sure but it sounds like you’ve both had so much happening that maybe it is time for some space away from each other and the problems . Also violent outbursts need addressing and she will have to get urgent help for that. It’s not easy but she is an adult and I would leave her for now. Maybe in the meantime you could write her a letter explaining how you feel.

Firstly, big gentle hugs. It's a horrid situation to be in.
My middle daughter did something very heinous (think inappropriate relationship / police involved) and despite having been supported throughout by me while I was going through chemo she did something very similar.

I advised her strongly against going to meet an Internet date hundreds of miles from home with a number of red flags. This caused a massive row, lots of really horrid behaviour and we haven't spoken in years. The things she said and did were incredibly hurtful and left me feeling suicidal for months. But life goes on and you have to get up and get on for yourself and the rest of your family.

She will forever be my daughter, I miss her every day but I cannot force her hand. Eventually she will grow up enough to settle and my door and phone remain open to her whenever she wants me. She knows this.

I'm aware she'd lose her chosen profession if OP reports the assault, perhaps with no chance of reconciliation with her mum, so I'm wavering on this one even though her attitude and behaviour is despicable. However, I'm conflicted as agree that her clients/students or whatever could be at risk. It sounds like she has completely lost the plot and I'd be worried for her MH. Is there anyone who can mediate, OP, because you need to protect yourself.

If she can hit you in anger/frustration like that, then it means she can do that to anyone, even non related to her. She needs to learn the hard way.

Hi OP,

Sorry you are going through this. Seems to me that your daughter has some resentment built up. My 5 cents is that she feels alone and abandoned and has developed MH issues. From what you describe I see potentially a parentified daughter which led het to blow up because of built up pressure and resentment. Wonder whether you rant a bit too much and whether, unwillingly, you may have made her feel indebted to you. She definitely needs help which I hope she decides to receive.
It may be the case that, at this moment in time, she needs to stay away from you to get better and perhaps It would be wise to respect her decision.

@Newbeginingssameoldshite A 25 year old lashing out and screaming in an unprovoked way is extremely unusual. This was not a one-off either, given the same thing happened with her housemates.

My main concern would be if she inflicts any abuse on other people in the workplace. I have worked in jobs with extremely abusive people, so you really shouldn't underestimate the damage that your daughter can do.

Oh this sounds so tough OP!! I have no advice as my DDs are still young but this would devastate me. I'm so sorry

I feel for you OP having been cold-shouldered by my own daughter for years. It’s so painful - especially when you clearly love your DD. I would certainly give her time to cool off and take a step back but of course show willingness to talk if and when she wants to come back. She clearly needs to sort herself out and I’m sure at some point she will want to reconcile with you. My daughter and I get on much better now but the past rejection still hurts. I did mess up at times though while you seem completely blameless. I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. She will probably come crawling back. The shitty message is probably her hoping you say she doesn’t need to pay the money back. She sounds very selfish and entitled. She will come crawling back but you need to set boundaries. You need to think about you for once. You have your health to think about. She’s a grown woman! Let her make and learn from her own mistakes and most importantly stop funding her! She’s young enough to fund herself AND pay off the debt she’s put you in.

If she does come back it will be with a waving palm, hopefully you'll not let her back and stop paying as much as you can avoid.

@Newbeginingssameoldshite When you say you were ranting in the car, what were you ranting about? Because that might be relevant to her reaction. Punching her own mum multiple times seems like such an extreme reaction. Were you talking about something she really didn’t want to hear about? Or talking about someone who might have harmed her? Or talking about something personal about her? Were you ranting about something she did? Because I think whatever you were talking about must have some relevance here.

Any damage the daughter causes in her work place should not bother the OP at all, if she gets fired hopefully she will find herself somewhere to live that's not under the OP's roof.

Whatever condition she may or may not have she owes you an apology. I would stay in the long grass and let her come back to you, which she will-it may take a while, like a birthday or Mother’s Day etc but she will. And when she does I’m sure you will welcome her with open arms. Look after yourself, I hope you are recovering.

Hope you're bearing up OK op. You must be shattered with what's happened. As other posters have said, time and space is needed.

It does sound like your daughter has a pattern of behaviour where she becomes abusive and lashes out. Whatever the reason for it she's going to need to regulate herself or she's going to get into a lot of trouble professionally and personally.

We all understand that you love her but she also needs to understand that this is not acceptable way to treat anyone.

As much as it hurts please concentrate on your health and getting rest.

She sounds an awful human being. You've been incredibly supportive other throughout all the messes she has created.

Let her get on with it. Perhaps when, and if, she ever grows up, she will reflect on her atrocious treatment of you and other people.

Meanwhile, focus on yourself and on looking after you.

There’s always the first time and how do we know she wasn’t violent before in her first shared accommodation that she had to leave?

I know this sounds quite random but she should have her folate levels/vitamin B9 checked

Is her general diet good or bad.

Does she eat leafy green vegetables, oranges etc

Know of someone who was the most laid back person there was getting into rages and being a truly awful person. Vitamin and mineral levels were checked and found that her folate levels were dangerously low and had to take high doses of folic acid for months

Hugs OP. For now you need to concentrate on your own health and needs x

Wow, that’s a lot of stress for your entire family.

She must take responsibility for her violent behaviour. And take steps to understand and address it. Whatever she’s been going through, the onus is on her to come back to you and acknowledge, apologise for, and let your know she’s learned from, her behaviour.

As you’re her mum, maybe send a note to say you’ll always love her, want her to be happy and will be there for her. Acknowledge you’ve both been through a lot of trauma and stress and should give yourselves, and each other, grace. You understand she needs space to reflect and heal. And so do you. But your hope is, once you’ve both recovered, you can come back together as a family in love and respect.

Then, focus on looking after yourself and other DC.

Don’t pay for anything else for her or agree to be her guarantor again. You’ve done more than enough of that. She needs to take responsibility for her own finances.

First of all, so sorry to hear everything you’ve had to go through.

Your adult daughter does sound like she needs professional help, considering multiple episodes of violence and intimidation. She appears to have very poor impulse control. Unfortunately this may be difficult if she does not accept this herself.

As a mother I absolutely understand wanting to protect her career. However, if we excuse violence, particularly where she expresses no remorse, I would argue there’s a high chance this will happen again.
You have another young child. Would you feel safe with your elder daughter around her? Considering she turns violent ‘out of the blue’?

With multiple episodes behind her, I would recommend thinking seriously thinking about reporting to the police - you have a witness as well.

As others have said above - she has a lot of growing up to do. Leave her to it and focus on yourself and your younger child. She might grow and make better choices, or she might not. It’s unfortunately up to her.

Sending lots of support.

It will “hit harder” when she assaults the next innocent person because so far she’s been getting away with it.

For your own sanity, please find a professional therapist to talk to every week. You cannot be expected to shoulder this on your own, nor should you.
She is an adult, she knows how much she has taken from you in every way. I would give yourself a break from her to heal your wounds .
Be kind to yourself, you have done nothing wrong. Mother/daughter relationships can be ahem, difficult. 🤗

OP, you aren't doing her any favours by allowing this violent behaviour. She absolutely needs to be reported to the Police. Especially if she's now in a job which requires a background check.