Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

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Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

Sounds as if she'll come back. OP from that account. Has she been violent before that instance? Sounds like she needs professional help. But you should protect yourself.

You're better off without her OP.

Cut her off. Don't let her come back.

You should report the assault to the police.

How awful OP, though to be honest if I were you I'd be glad to get the space from her! Attacking you is just disgusting. If she has got to the stage of doing that then her respect for you must be non existent. You deserve to be treated way better than that.

Sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do so I would leave her to it. Like you say, she's an adult, she's making good money. Hopefully in time she will contact you with an apology and intentions to make amends.

Sorry if I missed it but is her father involved in her life? Couldn't see any mention of him in your post.

Usually when there's a child who's cut off a parent I'm on the child's side, however your situation is horrific.

Before you decide what to do, you should decide what you want, do you want space? Do you want her in your life as things are? Do you want her away forever?

In your shoes I would leave her, maybe give it 6 months to a year, get yourself mentally and physically well, and then decide what's best for you, whether that's reaching out to her or leaving her be.

You have spent so long prioritising her and bending to her every whim and putting yourself last that it's going to be a massive adjustment to put yourself first. It's like being in an abusive relationship, you need time after a split to just find who you are again. With time will come some clarity.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best 💐

Agree, she needs to fucking grow up and take some responsibility

How horrible for you after you'd been so kind. It's one thing if a teenager lashes out but to hit your own mother several times when you are in your twenties and in a job that's responsible enough for a DBS check is really shocking.

Whatever you do, don't reach out to her now. She needs a shock, to know that you have reached your limit. Do you think her anger was about the money?

She will come back to you eventually but unless she does with a sincere apology, I'd hold tight.

What was said in the argument?

If your adult child is punching you in the face, she shouldn't be in a job that requires a DBS. She should absolutely be reported as Christ knows what she'll do to someone she's not related to.

There's no justification for anyone to punch.

Enjoy being rid of the woman OP, and for the protection of whoever she works with, the criminal offence should be reported.

How ungrateful. I have 4 kids all been through uni or at uni none have needed my money, just as well, only one needed a guarantor. Your DD is entitled, perhaps she will be back in touch when she needs something. What does your mum think? I can appreciate how upset you must feel. I hope you sort something out.

Wow OP. I'm so sorry. Has she always struggled with emotions? You said she's had issues falling out with friends as well. Sounds like you've done so much to support her. Best wishes to you xx

What you’ve done is put in a boundary and asked her to take accountability for her life and grow up. How she has responded is by punishing you, likely in an attempt to manipulate you in to going back on what you’ve said. What you’re doing is the best thing you could possibly do for your daughter though, and I’d hope with time
she’d see how poorly and immaturely she has behaved, apologise and try and mend the relationship. All you can do is remain firm.

Definately more to this story...

DD sacrificed her degree to move home and support OP and a younger sibling? Then suddenly starts punching her in the face?

Something off with this

It is concerning that she doesn't seem to get on well with others (whom she presumably doesn't hit!)

And did she really come home to look after you or was it a social thing again?

I'm not sure that you shouldn't be warning her that you are thinking of reporting her to the police. a) might make her think and b) to remind her that her job is in jeopardy if she doesn't control herself

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

This is the problem. When you sacrifice yourself like this it’s often met with contempt. Not the appreciation we expect.

Not surprising that she doesn’t have any friends. Unpleasant cow.

Does she have a father figure in her life? Could they speak to her

It sounds like there may be more to this story

There is nothing you can do, really. She is trying to cut you off. She is taking action. All you can do is figure out how to react.

It sounds like you need to drop the rope. Stop dealing with her or supporting her. If she is making the same money just out of Uni that you are making you need to focus on your own situation.

You still gave three children at home? Just retreat. Lick your wounds. Focus on your finances. Work out what she owes you and ask for repayment but don’t expect it.

I would report most people for punching me in the face, as I would want to ruin them but not my dc as I don’t want them ruined, as all my efforts since they were born would be for nothing if they were jobless and sunk even lower.plus dc is different to all relationships, it’s lit they are part of you.

Wouldnt want to see them again though unless I got a huge apology and a plan of what they do next, I’d still probably only keep it to FaceTime for years.

Your dd will regret this in time. Unless she is a proper psycho/socio path.

There more to this story. Nobody turns violent over night.

Its impossible to say what may happen here but if the relationship was mostly supportive and good, this may be the result of understandable stress and may settle down with time. Although getting to the point where she punches is a massive red flag. Child to parent violence is on the increase and I think there are some generational attitudes that play into this. It may be after a break the relationship can reset and you can all communicate in a different way. Although physical violence has to have zero tolerance to it. Longer term it may be that she digs in - as much as people on MN always like to say that parents must have done something to lead to an estrangement, sometimes parents have done nothing wrong and it is the personality of the child. My brother walked on water as far as my mother was concerned, has a lifelong history of heavy alcohol and drug use, feels the world owes him a living and cut my mother off after blaming him for all his 'problems' in life. Her crime - he knocked down a wall at my sisters house where he was staying at the time, and my sister was upset. My mother did not condone what he had done, and that was enough for the split.

I hope time apart gives her time apart and a chance to see she has some responsibility for what she did, and to become the better person she wants to be. I am sorry, its heartbreaking for you it came to this.

I can see why she has no friends, doesn’t get on with colleagues and had to move out of uni accommodation to be honest.

OP, although it hurts, you (and your other child) are going to be much better off without her. She’ll soon realise that she needs you too.

Ignore the message and give it time

Her father isn't in the picture and the falling out with flat mates was because she lashed out in a similar fashion as she did with me. There was a confrontation and she went into a meltdown screaming and punching things. Her flatmates obviously didn't want her around after that.

She doesn't handle.any form.of.critisim or confrontation rationally.

The disagreement arose as I was ranting to my mum about a situation in my personal life and she screamed at me to shut up about it and stop talking (the outburst was completely irrational, my own mother was shocked) I pulled the car over and told her to get out, at that point she turned and hit me, then got out he car and kicked and punched the car.

She has been violent once before when she was younger when I tried to discipline her by taking away her phone.

I do think she needs help...

I'm currently being investigated for a relapse scare on top of all this and I'm really unwell atm. I'm either Working 60 hours a week over 2 jobs or in bed sleeping.

I agree she has a lot of growing up to do but I'm heartbroken she has done this...

The line that she is a better person without me really hit hard.
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