Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

369 replies

Newbeginingssameoldshite · 31/01/2025 12:21

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

OP posts:
ThinkingAboutMyLifeChoices · 31/01/2025 15:32

If she's that volatile she shouldn't be employed in a job which requires a DBS

There's no consequences from you with regard to the violence towards you

oakleaffy · 31/01/2025 15:38

Wrong post .

JoanCollinsDiva · 31/01/2025 15:44

SharpOpalNewt · 31/01/2025 13:49

Sounds awful, but one where I would like to hear the story from her perspective.

No.

There is no excuse for repeatedly punching your mother in the face. None.

The violence apologists on here are quite something.

oakleaffy · 31/01/2025 15:44

overthinkersanonnymus · 31/01/2025 15:08

My god. Who are you people?

"Her needs weren't met as a child!!"

"You sound so ungrateful that this poor baby helped you when you had a CRITICAL ILLNESS"

The more I read on this forum, the more I understand why the current generation of young adults are absolutely useless in society. This is coming from someone who actually abused and was homeless as a child.

Well said.
Children who really had it tough rather than be bailed out again and again tend to be far less entitled.

People making excuses for this spoiled woman are mind boggling.
She’s working with vulnerable people ( DBS) abd has serious anger issues.

No excuses.

JoanCollinsDiva · 31/01/2025 15:45

overthinkersanonnymus · 31/01/2025 15:08

My god. Who are you people?

"Her needs weren't met as a child!!"

"You sound so ungrateful that this poor baby helped you when you had a CRITICAL ILLNESS"

The more I read on this forum, the more I understand why the current generation of young adults are absolutely useless in society. This is coming from someone who actually abused and was homeless as a child.

It's shocking.

SemperIdem · 31/01/2025 15:46

Twatalert · 31/01/2025 15:26

Oh god, read properly and stop projecting. I read the OP as a mother not understanding and being devastated about her daughter cutting her off. You have your own interpretation and take on the story.

Incredible how many mothers feel offended. Possibly, I am holding up a mirror for them and they all get defensive.

Edited
Show quote history

No projection here, my child is young so being cut off isn’t on my radar.

It is you who is projecting based on a scenario we have not actually been presented with. As is true of all posts on MN, we only have the op’s side to go on.

oakleaffy · 31/01/2025 15:47

You can bet If it was a 25 yr old son behaving like this there would be far fewer apologists for the trashing aggression and violence.

But because it’s a woman she has to be innocent?!
Crazy.

HawkinsTigers · 31/01/2025 15:47

Twatalert · 31/01/2025 14:28

OP you don't want to hear this, but it is likely some of her needs weren't met as a child when she was violent previously. Taking away her phone obviously resolved nothing, as violence comes from a place of not being able to handle certain emotions. Where did she learn violence? Was she smacked, was her father violent? Someone else in the family? She didn't need her phone taken away, she needed her parents, but punching has now become a coping mechanism because she did not learn how to deal with her frustration.

She's an adult now, so she is responsible for changing her behaviour. I understand you are devastated, but I very strongly suspect something massive went on for her as a child that she wasn't able to handle or process.

Your username seems apt.

This is a ridiculously amateur level of armchair psychology.

AliceSpringsEverywhere · 31/01/2025 15:47

I'm wondering what kind of work she's doing?
If she had placements, it sounds either medical (nursing, physio, something NHS) or maybe teaching.

Do her temper outbursts mean she won't be reliable or safe at work?

Basically she needs to see her GP and ask for referral for anger management. This is a serious issue which will affect her career.

I'd not involve the police as this will clearly affect her career permanently and I'd not want that as her mother.

Newfoundzestforlife · 31/01/2025 15:48

Newbeginingssameoldshite · 31/01/2025 12:21

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

What was her childhood like?

VisitationRights · 31/01/2025 15:49

It does not sound like she should be working with anyone vulnerable (you referred to dbs checks) and she will probably continue to react irrationally/violently because there is never any consequence for her when she does. The best thing you can do for her now is let her fail. And the best thing for you is to concentrate on yourself, especially your health.

AliceSpringsEverywhere · 31/01/2025 15:49

Why do posters need to quote an entire novel? just respond @Newfoundzestforlife

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 31/01/2025 15:49

I’m sorry OP but I really think you need to report the assault to the police - she shouldn’t be working with vulnerable people (eg teaching, nursing, therapist) if she is unable to control her behaviours leading to violence on multiple occasions.

AliceSpringsEverywhere · 31/01/2025 15:50

But reporting her will result in a criminal record and where will that leave her?

Her behaviour was bad but looking at the long term outcome, it's not going to help her doing that.

oakleaffy · 31/01/2025 15:52

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 31/01/2025 15:49

I’m sorry OP but I really think you need to report the assault to the police - she shouldn’t be working with vulnerable people (eg teaching, nursing, therapist) if she is unable to control her behaviours leading to violence on multiple occasions.

We had a male music teacher who was probably having a breakdown- He trashed the music room in front of us- ( A couple of boys were being silly as they sensed teacher wasn’t in control)
The teacher never returned to the school.

Twatalert · 31/01/2025 15:52

HawkinsTigers · 31/01/2025 15:47

Your username seems apt.

This is a ridiculously amateur level of armchair psychology.

Show quote history

I chose it so people like you could feel good about themselves for 5 seconds 😘

Ceecee2422 · 31/01/2025 15:57

She sounds like a spoilt c u next Tuesday!! I would probably say you’re damn right you’re having nothing to do with me until you sort out your disgusting behaviour! Sounds like you’ve never put your foot down and seriously need to…….

EmmaEmEmz · 31/01/2025 16:00

She needs reporting to the police. If she requires a clean dbs for her job, she is more than likely working with vulnerable people and they don't need people like that around them.

Let her stew and don't give in to anything else. She's an adult, she needs to act like one

blueshoes · 31/01/2025 16:07

Daisyblue2 · 31/01/2025 14:54

You should report her to the police, she can not get away with assaulting you, you should leave herself now. You have totally spoilt her and not let her grow and take responsibility for herself. Well now she has to,

Show quote history

You have totally spoilt her and not let her grow and take responsibility for herself.

Another helpful victim-blamer.

DiddlyDiddly · 31/01/2025 16:09

OP she sounds out of control and somewhat deranged. I would not be able to tolerate one punch in the face, let alone 3. That's awful.

I don't know what to suggest other than changing the locks on your house.

Daisyblue2 · 31/01/2025 16:10

blueshoes · 31/01/2025 16:07

You have totally spoilt her and not let her grow and take responsibility for herself.

Another helpful victim-blamer.

Show quote history

Im not victim blaming. In saying the girl needs to be held responsible
for what shes done

Ilikeadrink14 · 31/01/2025 16:10

overthinkersanonnymus · 31/01/2025 14:00

Nasty, selfish bitch. You're better off with her, she's a parasite.

Hold your horses! Whatever the daughter is like, however dreadful she appears, she is the poster’s daughter. How do you think the mum feels having everyone write her daughter off? It must be hurtful, however justified.
That said, I am not condoning the daughter’s treatment of her mother. That is appalling and she clearly needs some sort of medical/psychiatric help, but be gentle with her mum. She is suffering enough, both mentally and physically.

lazyarse123 · 31/01/2025 16:12

Ceecee2422 · 31/01/2025 15:57

She sounds like a spoilt c u next Tuesday!! I would probably say you’re damn right you’re having nothing to do with me until you sort out your disgusting behaviour! Sounds like you’ve never put your foot down and seriously need to…….

This sounds about right to me. She sounds like one of those you can never do enough for including getting ill.

SlightlyJaded · 31/01/2025 16:13

OK - I am not a pandering/snowflake type AT ALL. Pretty black and white parenting from me and no nonsense. I've had to change my thinking a fair bit with DD and wonder if it sounds familiar.

What she did was utterly disgusting, and she clearly cannot control her emotions. I would actually question what's going on there. It's not normal to punch your mum - or anyone - but she clearly has form for losing her shit (see: flatmates). You mentioned that you were talking and she asked you to stop and that was what triggered it - I do wonder if she has undiagnosed 'something' as some of these things sound similar to issues that DD (19) has struggled with - and this slightly smacks of being over-stimulated. My DD is lovely and would absolutely come home and help take care of her DS if I was sick. She is kind and thoughtful and loving. She also has never been able to control her emotions and we have had years of outbursts from seemingly nowhere, that have resulted in kicking doors, breaking things, lashing out, self harm, saying revolting things and twice - hitting me.

She has been in therapy for around a year now and they are pretty sure she is on the spectrum and this is why she cannot process any of her emotions - guilt/sadness/loss/despair/shame - in any way other than rage. Now that she understands this, she is making great leaps with the way she reacts to things and starting understand that me asking her to 'contribute to something' is not an 'attack' but a reasonable request.

I am not making excuses for your DD. It is never ever OK to be violent, but it is possible that there is something going on there. Her text may be because she knows she has crossed a line and doesn't have it in her to apologise (another thing that DD has only been able to do since therapy).

I would respond along the lines of

"I'm sorry that you think this is the best way, but until you are able to commit to a non-violent relationship, I think you might be right. I strongly believe you need to speak to someone about the way you lash out as I am sure that you can't be happy with your behaviour. If you would like any help in finding someone, i will of course support you. Otherwise, let me know if and when you are ready to apologise and we'll go from there. And I do of course, love you very much,"

Hellskitchen24 · 31/01/2025 16:14

She sounds like a deranged ungrateful brat. I’d report her to the police. Someone who will abuse their own mother shouldn’t be working with anyone vulnerable.