Adult DD cut me off. Devastated

[Newbeginingssameoldshite]

Eldest DD 25 moved back home after 4 years at uni last spring and a quick back story...

During her time away at uni I was diagnosed with a critical illness that I miraculously recovered from but has left me with life long health limitations. However during my illness I remained in employment (although off sick and living off my criticall illness cover which was substantially less than my income) and as active as I possibly could be.

In her first year she had to leave the first shared accomidation due to a breakdown in the relationship with her flat mates. She was tied into a year contract on the property which she had to pay (or i did as her guarantor)so I had to find new sioe occupancy accommodation and pay the rent for the year for her.

Second year she continued to live alone in the small bedsit from previous year which her loan covered.

Her third year she went into a house share with a small group of friends and all seemed to be going well until I became very very unwell and hospitalised and she made the decision to come home to help me rehab and to help with my youngest DD (15 year age gap) for around 3 months. During this time she commuted to uni.

However it came to light she missed her final placement during this time and she couldn't graduate without completing it.

During that autumn/winter I finished treatment and was given the all clear.

So this took her into year 4 of a 3 year course, I'd just returned to work with a huge amount of debt hanging over me from being off so long.
She insisted she stayed in the uni city (it is commutable and I had purchased a car for her to get around with) and it looked like Shenwould get funding again for this extended year. However after she had signed for a house share again the student loan was pulled and she was advised it was agreed in error. Again I'm the guarantor, she's unable to work as the placement hours are FT so I'm left to pick up the bill and I'm paying rent on 2 houses sending her an allawance each month plus trying to clear my debts. Against all odds she qualified and secured a well paid job in chosen profession.

She asked to move back home whilst she finds her feet. Bare in mind she is now working with a salary close to what mine is, which of course I agreed and welcomed her with open arms.

She really struggled being back home, doesn't have many friends and work collegues seem to be excluding her so spending a lot if time in her room.

I only asked for 50 a week board (token contribution) so she could save to get her own place.

I'm still in massive debt and I'm now working 2 jobs to repay them. ( over 50%:of the debts ae from me supporting her through uni)

Relationship feels strained. Everything I say is wrong, she's doing nothing around the house to help. (Pots left all the time, kitchen filthy after she's cooked separate meals as my food no longer good enough for her) every time I bring it up it turns into an argument so I stop mentioning it and feel like I'm treading on egg shells all the time.

She finally found a place of her own! (Its not quite ready yet to move into) And I've helped her with getting furniture etc. Even moved furniture into upstairs flat on my own with chronic illness and disabled.

We got into a disagreement in my car whilst I was helping her with stuff for the flat and she flipped out on me. My mum was Present and witnessed it all.

DD Punched me 3 times in the face and kicked my car. I should have called the police but didn't as it would ruin her career (dbs checks)

I asked her to leave my house and find somewhere else until flat is ready and pay back some money I had borrowed her ( a small amount, not anything from uni support).

Not heard anything for days until I get a cold text saying she is a better person without me and won't contact me again.

I'm heartbroken. I've litterally given my all for her. Gone without food to ensure she has what she needs. I've been there emotionally for every step of her life. And now she attacks me and cuts me off.

I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve any of this.

OP your daughters behaviour is not normal. My DS verbally attacked me at the end of last month. The shouting went on for two days. He too had moved home to save.
Like you I am suffering from a serious illness. We found out two weeks ago. My son has now simmered down but the hurt and unfairness of his words have stayed with me. I'm not sure I will ever feel the same again about him. He had every privilege from us.
Could your daughter have undiagnosed neuro diversity? My son appears bipolar as my mother was.
Personally if your daughter is working with vulnerable people she needs to see her GP for anger management.
I don't think I could report her in your circumstances but I'd be telling her if she ever did it again it would mean you'd call the police. I'd be expecting a huge apology.

This sounds like she's just trying to hurt you and get a reaction out of you. It takes time to realise how better off you are when you step away from someone so I don't believe she's being legit. I'm sorry this is happening OP. I imagine she will be back because she does need you...and possibly when she's older and has kids of her own, she will be mortified by her behaviour.

as someone who has cut their mother off I also usually side with the child because there’s usually very good reason for a child to go NC.

this however is something else! @Newbeginingssameoldshite your dd is reckless, irresponsible and financially idiotic … and WITH YOUR MONEY

her contempt for you and your situation is beyond belief.

tell her to repay you, to take over the rent on all the fucking houses and leave her to it.

maybe the shock of it will open her eyes to how fucking entitled and outrageously rude she’s been.

she should be thoroughly ashamed of herself

I say this as a kid of parents who said they’d help if I needed things, but literally let me down and ran the other way if I so much as looked like I might need some help. They actively sabotaged my attempts to get out of an abusive relationship, when I was absolutely on the floor with tonsillitis they left me to fend for myself as a single parent to a 4yo too. 3 miles away from their home.

my sister lives 45 mins away from them now. Mum rushed to help her with childcare regularly when her relationship tanked. Fuck them, fuck em all.

this is not anything YOU have done wrong @Newbeginingssameoldshite I know that is of little comfort. I’m sorry

So you're happy for her to go into a job working with vulnerable people when she can't control herself to this extent?
She'll be a whole lot more 'tormented' if she ends up facing a prison sentence for harming a vulnerable person.
'Grace' in this situation means looking out for the weakest, not ignoring them and claiming the moral high ground.

“The line that she is a better person without me really hit hard”

But she wasn’t with you when she was mashing up the shared uni house she lived in so I’d take that with a grain of salt

Try not to dwell on the 'better person' comment you said hit hard, OP. Most people try to be the heroine in the movie of their life and someone with her personality won't have the self-insight to say she was wrong about punching you unless to try and manipulate you into sympathy. There's no way to put a positive spin on punching you so she had to say something like she did.

Sorry to add but if she can do that to you in front of your mother then do you want other vulnerable people (patients, clients?) put in a worse position, OP?

Good luck.

You may be very hurt by this but what you are going to do is leave her to it.

There is no way that your DD will ever understand how to make her way in the world otherwise. She needs to learn it herself. And punching you is really why you leave her alone. She is dangerous to you.

I know it is very hurtful. But you can't help her with this.

Nasty, selfish bitch. You're better off with her, she's a parasite.

Quite frankly she should lose her job. She is volatile and dangerous, working with either children or otherwise vulnerable people.

She shouldn’t be anywhere near such a role.

Her “cutting you off” is a blessing.

Is she a nurse?

If so, this is really concerning

she will be back when she wants something, sadly the cynic in me suspects you have nothing more to offer

Sod her dbs check she needs a wakeup call.

She missed her last placement and risked failing her degree to care for you and her sibling. That doesn't line up with someone who would physically assault there mum over something so small. There's more to this, has she experienced trauma as a child that you haven't acknowledged, any abuse or neglect, is she having a serious mental health issue, did you say something that triggered her?
I wouldn't jump to calling the police and disowning her. There is never an excuse for violence but when it is your child who has been your carer you need to look deeper into what is going on.

I can't believe the " we need both sides" , "oooo is her daddy in the picture" and "well she has taken a year out to look after you" comments.

This is a fully grown, adult woman who has punched her own POORLY mother in the face, whilst she's been back rolling her. And to top it off, she's in a profession where she probably has contact with vulnerable people?

Unbelievable.

I always want to hear the other side of these "I've done everything for her I set myself on fire to keep her warm and then she went and shat in my bed" type posts.

So when she smacks a patient or whoever she comes in to contact with (because she has form, the flat mates booted her out for aggression), do you think the families will say "oh well she had childhood trauma" so it's understandable.

Agreed. I’d say the actual truth is you’re better off without her op. People often say about the other person what is true about themselves.

I would try to recoup some of the accommodation money. And I’d never give her a penny again.

As for reporting your dd, I understand why you’re struggling. It’s something that you should do.

The other side might well be completely different though. You're assuming everything OP said is a fact i.e. that she actually was punched. That daughter goes around smashing everything up. Etc.

Unbelievable.
You said it not me.

No more bank of Mum. It is time to deal with your needs now. Getting out of debt. She needs a short sharp shock. If she wants to come and see you make sure it is not to just borrow money. I think a time away from each other will be a good thing.

Ok it sounds like she is at breaking point and taking a break from this intense relationship you have is for the best right now. Once she is safe then leave her alone for now.

She hasn’t cut you off, she is having a complete breakdown and is unable to cope. I’m sorry you were injured. She needs help and some therapy and possibly a diagnosis.

You need to get support for yourself. Have you an Employee assistance program at work? Call them Today if you do.

They will help with financial advice as well as counselling, as well as help for your daughter once she is over 18. You need all the help you can get. Good luck.

Sounds like she needs help. Reporting the attack to the police might actually help her.

Is she nursing? You mentioned placement.

Whatever she’s doing is with vulnerable people, she has a history of violence which isn’t ok.

I hope that you are ok?

So sorry to hear this OP. I’m going through something a bit similar. What I would say is to keep a channel of communication open if you can. If she’s gone off in a massive flounce she might find it difficult to climb down. Would your mum be willing to contact her and try and calm things down?

If she’s repeatedly punching people in the face, she deserves to fail her DBS checks tbh.

You sat she has a job where a DBS is required. You need to consider if you are putting people at risk by not reporting the assault, especially as it wasn't out of character.

My God. You poor thing @Newbeginingssameoldshite . I wish I knew what to say. My dc is technically twos years behind where they should be at uni, have cost money and stress, but while they won't discuss it they would never act like your daughter has. She is 100% in the wrong, not you.

When she comes crawling back because she needs money, practical help or anything else be sure to say it isn't convenient today. She'll know how you're feeling and will think she can do what she likes as you'll be grateful for her crumbs.

The best thing you can do for this madam is to leave her to her tantrum. Focus on your health and building back up your savings and leave her to it.