If you are late 40s/50s and have given up on men, how do you not get lonely?

[bringonyourwreckingball]

I will be 50 next week. 18 year marriage ended very badly 2 years ago. Kids are 19 and nearly 17, eldest at Uni. Exh was quite controlling and useless with the children which really limited my opportunities to make local friends. I have done OLD occasionally post divorce, not had great experiences and can’t really see myself ever living with a man again. But my friends are all in relationships and when my daughter is at her dad’s I get very lonely. I have hobbies but sometimes all I really want is some companionship at home. I have tried joining things but more often than not that just makes me feel more alone.

Well, I think it's important to learn to really enjoy your own company. Enjoy being alone. It's not the same as lonely.

And also keep very active. Sports. Reading. Learning new skills and activities.

Always maintain your friendships. Really invest in them.

You will relish being alone. It's actually really important too so that you don't become a desperate clinging limpet when you do get involved with a man again.

First post nails it. Don't be afraid of loneliness; spend time getting to know yourself and please yourself. Eventually you reach the point where you're no longer faking it, and its so much more fund than a string of bad dates.

Two years on from a horrible divorce is not very long to recover. You go through lots of stages post divorce and, in my experience, one was loneliness. However, it was just a stage, not a permanent state. I'm 50 and have been on my own now for 15 years, but I'm not lonely. Lonely for me looked similar to bored, so when DD was at her dad's, I was at a loose end initially, which felt like it needed to be solved by a man. It did not. As pps have said, cultivate friendships, grow your career, take up hobbies, go on weekends away, go to gigs or the theatre. Don't look for a relationship because you can't be alone, get good at being alone then you'll always have the tools for self sufficiency should you need them.

I got three cats.

Also bought a house to renovate.

I'm not lonely any more. Overwhelmed and busy, but not lonely.

I’m in my 50’s. Been completely single 5 years and I’m never lonely.

Ive got good friends and I brilliant social life and inbetween times I love my own peace

In that whole time I’ve had no more than about 10 dates only one of which lead to a second and I’m really not sure I could be arsed with a man now .

Friends/work/church (for me)/ groups. And now you're not constrained by him, you can explore all opportunities to make local friendships.

I live alone; I am never lonely. Been married twice and will not share my home with another human ever again (unless grown up DC return). I have always had animals, not a houseful, but at the moment I have two dogs and a cat. I run a small business and work in it part time, so I see people there. I chat with dog walkers every day. Still have old friends nearby, but we all laugh about how we never want to leave our homes these days. We do yoga, I go to MacBook classes. I'm an avid reader/researcher and I've never been happier-mainly it's spending time with my dogs, who are my main hobby-we do agility and scentwork classes. I adore them.

It’s hard. Persist with joining things, you will find things that click but some don’t. Pets help too if that is an option as does getting outside, I get lonely but I’m used to it and can find ways to ease it

I’m 34 but single nearly 6 years. I don’t see being on my own as lonely, I’m very much more comfortable single - I do rarely feel like idk a date may be fun but I’m soon put off again after a day using a dating app 😂 sorry not really helpful but I’m sure you can develop a relationship with someone without living together if that’s what you want.

53. I have cats - totally embracing the mad cat lady vibe with 6. I have work and friends and hobbies. I might be alone but I’m not lonely. Although I do have a male friend who enjoys occasionally meeting up for swimming, day trips and the odd coffee and cake and very silly conversations.

I am my self's best company.🥰

I was you 5 years ago. I started to become desperate to have someone, felt really lonely, and hated my own company. Then after many many bad dates, and just with the passage of time, I started to realise I preferred being alone and I really wasnt lonely. Im really really happy, and Im now an empty nester, have friends and family closeby, and live completely alone and i LOVE it. I have no desire to have a partner again and I sometimes get a bit annoyed when i feel I have to socialise.

If you had told me I would ever feel like that 5 years ago I would not have believed you. Any women who said what I say now, I just didn't believe them or didnt understand. Now I do. I think everyone should spend some time living alone, its very empowering.

My advice - stop dating, and just really be alone, and enjoy it. Read books, listen to podcasts, go on walks, cook, have long soaks in the tub - whatever it is you enjoy just do it alone. Its awesome!

I used most of my life energy on my exh. Now that I am free, I dread thinking of sharing it with anyone. Nothing a man (or a woman 😉) could give me is worth it.

If DH and I ever split up or he died, I would never have another relationship- not because no one could replace him but because I really couldn't be bothered. I like my own company and independence. I don't like the intimacy of living with someone else - much as I love DH and would hate to be without him.
I love it if he is away overnight or for a couple of nights. He once took DC to Yorkshire for 4 days and I loved being alone. I like to do what I want when I want without taking others into account. I grew up as an only child and am used to my own company. I walk, paint, garden, love my pets, read, go to the cinema, volunteer, see friends- never have enough time to do it all. I would happily travel alone on long trips.

53. Have been single since my DC were about 4 and 5. They're in their late 20s now.

Dated on and off. Not in the past 10yrs though.

I live alone, have a dog, have fantastic friends, fantastic neighbours and volunteer.

Try joining things that tend to be attended by mainly women.

One good example is a book club. You can use time when DD is away reading the book and there will be a monthly meeting. Craft groups also tend to be mainly women.

Another is a walking group or exercise class. Do some online stalking first to get an idea of whether they have lots of social interactions and who their clientel is. My friend goes to a women only gym which has regular drinks nights and she has made some really good friends.

Go out alone! It can seem daunting at first but practice makes perfect. Start with a visit to a museum, art gallery or national trust property where you can leave if you feel uncomfortable. It gets easier over time so persist.

Plan some lovely things for when DD is away. So special meal that she would not eat, an evening in the bath with a candle, binge watch a show she doesnt like.

Volunteer. You could give blood, visit with elderly people, help at brownies or guides.

You could even look at getting paid work while she is away. Casual work in a pub or babysitting.

Sympathies OP. I think it can be really hard when your home has been a 'buzzing' place and then it suddenly goes quiet - think a lot of women experience this, divorced or not, when their children start to leave home.

Don't have a clue what the answer is. A lot of people say it lies in learning to love your own company - but I think that just sometimes isn't enough for more outward facing people...You say you've tried joining things but it just makes you feel more depressed - I would stick at it, if I was you. Set yourself a challenge - e.g one group thing every week for a year - and hopefully some connections will come out of it.

It's not easy though - and you're very much not alone in struggling with it.

I need a certain amount of social interaction, and have worked out over the years how to achieve it without a partner. That meant making a routine e.g. I start the day with an hour of dog walking in the same small park, most of that is chatting with other regulars as we walk or the dogs sniff about. I schedule an on line catch up with a friend or colleague most days, at the weekends either a longer dog walk with a dog walking friend, or do voluntary work, or catch up with a friend.

Outside of that I have my job and my hobbies, my regular podcasts and audio books that I listen to (while knitting) and a list of books I want to read or re-read.

I am 50 and can't imagine having a partner in my life, because my life revolves around doing what I want, when I want (once DD is provided for! But she is late teens so just needs me to be around, providing a listening ear when necessay, paying for things and stocking the fridge, rather than anything more hands on).

Maybe try to schedule a brief (20 minute) virtual chat with a different friend/colleague every day, and look into volunteering locally (I do Goodgym) outside of work hours. And the rest of the time think about the things you have said, however idly, oooh, that looks interesting. And give them a go. There are loads of (free) on line resources teaching you how to do all sorts of random hobbies!

Male female friends
Get a cat

Men who are available at 50 and up are single for a reason that may not be obvious to begin with, but it will become obvious, and you'll kick yourself when you realise it.

Also, join a choir. Choirs usually have a few jolly people in them.

It's mind set honestly. If you choose to focus on the loneliness feelings then it magnifies them. Also had therapy. And podcasts, music etc.

I have no children and have never married. My last long term relationship ended 20 years ago.

I've done online dating on and off and met people I was attracted to but none of them worked out.

I've done a lot of work on myself as I come from a difficult background. I've travelled independently to over 40 countries, went back to university in my 40 s to career change and have written books.

I've done loads of activities, salsa, guitar, creative writing, pilates, volunteering, meditation, drawing etc Went to the cinema, theatre, exhibitions, museums and so on.

For years I ached with loneliness. People said they could feel it coming off me. I wanted someone in my life, someone I could talk to about my day, someone I could hug, someone I could do things with, someone to chat to. I missed sex.

The nadir was getting into an abusive relationship because I was so lonely I literally accepted anything. I knew he was abusive but it was better than being alone. I ended it and still missed the company.Loneliness makes you vulnerable.

That was over ten years ago and I've come to terms with it. I don't see myself meeting anyone now. The ache has gone and I've resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life.

I'm nearly 40 and happily single for about 6 years. I even prefer it when my tween DS is at his clubs or at school - I like being alone and I always have something to do.
I have a job, a hobby, a house to renovate, a garden to start from scratch... I like going for coffees by myself, browse around junk shops, visit art galleries - all of these I enjoy more by myself.
When I want to be sociable I go socialising with intent - to the pub usually!
I will never, ever co-habit with anyone again. Why compromise constantly when it's possible to live for own pleasure only? 🤔😁

Ive been thinking the same I'm 54 I've just come out of a relationship not by choice
I have an empty nest and I'm having to start again on my own move home to a newish area I'm wondering how I'm going to fill my time now! I'm ok on my own but l do find it very boring it's nice to just have someone to chat to and have some company around I've not done OLD keep hearing so many bad things its really putting me of ! Also after this relationship i feel like my confidence has been shattered not sure i really want another man in my life again or (ever) feel like i will be better off on my own now I'm making a few plans now slowly hopefully travel a bit more and I'm going to look into volunteering too do some meet up groups and just take each day as it comes

If young girls were brought up with good self-esteem as full and equal human beings deserving of the entire experience of life beyond being comforting, cooking, cleaning, caring companions….

I suspect many would grow up to fully embrace having time to themselves a lot earlier than we currently do

the world would be awash with calm and content women experiencing the joy of life

and possibly a lot more happy cats too

think of it like giving up smoking

you can try different brands and strengths

but once you get used to the cleaner house, no smelly clothes, non-toxic air, more money in your pocket and less running around anxious about where they are, if someone else has lifted them, if they are alright, or can you get another one if they are gone but the craving is there …..

you’ll find your life improves so significantly you’ll wonder why you ever bothered at all 😂

and companionship is still possible - only 49% of the population is male so actually you get an extra 2% choice if all you want is to share some craic, have a day out or whatever