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Original poster

If you are late 40s/50s and have given up on men, how do you not get lonely?

163 replies

bringonyourwreckingball · 29/01/2025 20:22

I will be 50 next week. 18 year marriage ended very badly 2 years ago. Kids are 19 and nearly 17, eldest at Uni. Exh was quite controlling and useless with the children which really limited my opportunities to make local friends. I have done OLD occasionally post divorce, not had great experiences and can’t really see myself ever living with a man again. But my friends are all in relationships and when my daughter is at her dad’s I get very lonely. I have hobbies but sometimes all I really want is some companionship at home. I have tried joining things but more often than not that just makes me feel more alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
bringonyourwreckingball · 30/01/2025 20:04

Octavia64 · 29/01/2025 22:04

I got three cats.

Also bought a house to renovate.

I'm not lonely any more. Overwhelmed and busy, but not lonely.

I have 3 cats! It’s a good start.

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 30/01/2025 20:10

Im 50 and been on my own for 5 years but not lonely and no intention of having another relationship. Have a dog and joined a gym.

Original poster
bringonyourwreckingball · 30/01/2025 20:15

Thanks everyone. That really has helped. Some of the suggestions aren’t for me (choir - no one needs to hear me sing. Church - might burst into flames. Dog/volunteering - I have 3 cats and a nearly full time job). However. I feel a lot better knowing I am not alone in feeling like this, most of the time I am very happy with my own company and I enjoy reading and have lots of friends who enjoy theatre etc. I think I probably just need to be more kind to myself about this not being where I expected to be, and also try to let go of the anger at the fact my arsehole ex who cheated on me for 15 years has sailed off into the sunset and apparently has a new partner (poor cow).
I do identify with a lot of the not needing or even wanting a man thing. I’m perfectly happy sleeping alone now (as alone as I will ever be with 3 cats) but do miss someone to chat to when I get home from work.

OP posts:
Original poster
bringonyourwreckingball · 30/01/2025 20:20

Theresacatinmykitchenwhatamigonnado · 29/01/2025 22:01

Two years on from a horrible divorce is not very long to recover. You go through lots of stages post divorce and, in my experience, one was loneliness. However, it was just a stage, not a permanent state. I'm 50 and have been on my own now for 15 years, but I'm not lonely. Lonely for me looked similar to bored, so when DD was at her dad's, I was at a loose end initially, which felt like it needed to be solved by a man. It did not. As pps have said, cultivate friendships, grow your career, take up hobbies, go on weekends away, go to gigs or the theatre. Don't look for a relationship because you can't be alone, get good at being alone then you'll always have the tools for self sufficiency should you need them.

Thank you for this. I feel like everyone in my life is thinking ‘you should be over this by now’ but we were together 20 years, it ended with me finding about about his serial infidelity with prostitutes for most of our marriage, and I found out I had cancer 2 months after he moved out. I in no way miss him but I am very much grieving for the life I thought I had and being lonely doesn’t help

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2025 20:20

I find this topic really interesting.

Loneliness isn't an emotion I've ever experienced. I don't really 'get' what you mean really.

I'm single and 50.

I spend all day busy - work/hobbies/friends/stuff.

And of an evening, I cannot wait to be on my own. Literally the earlier I can get in to my pjs and on the sofa in complete peace the better.

Cynic17 · 30/01/2025 20:22

"Lonely" is nothing to do with living alone. Plenty of people are "lonely" within a marriage or family. Being solo is a positive thing - enjoy your freedom, OP!

colouringindoors · 30/01/2025 20:24

I'm in a similar position, though separated for longer. Like you I have few friends as for most of the last decade I was caring fir my DS who was disabled for 5 yrs, plus autistic DD hated me leaving house...

It's hard, I still feel lonely and weird for having so few friends, but it does get easier. Be kind to yourself, maybe start one new thing, or join a voluntary group - do you have any interests - animals/environment etc - round here there's a group that helps look after/garden our town's park. Whole mix of people...

Do you feel you've recovered from the controlling aspect of your previous relationship? You might want to consider doing something like this:

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/agencies/freedom-programme/

Best wishes

Freedom Programme

Freedom Programme

The Freedom Programme is a domestic abuse programme which was created by Pat Craven and evolved from her work with perpetrators of domestic violence.  The Programme was primarily designed for women as victims/survivors of domestic abuse, since research...

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/agencies/freedom-programme

Cynic17 · 30/01/2025 20:25

LuluBlakey1 · 29/01/2025 22:55

If DH and I ever split up or he died, I would never have another relationship- not because no one could replace him but because I really couldn't be bothered. I like my own company and independence. I don't like the intimacy of living with someone else - much as I love DH and would hate to be without him.
I love it if he is away overnight or for a couple of nights. He once took DC to Yorkshire for 4 days and I loved being alone. I like to do what I want when I want without taking others into account. I grew up as an only child and am used to my own company. I walk, paint, garden, love my pets, read, go to the cinema, volunteer, see friends- never have enough time to do it all. I would happily travel alone on long trips.

Oh, yes, this is totally me - I feel exactly the same. I might miss my husband if he weren't here, but I know for a fact that I will not be lonely.

BabCNesbitt · 30/01/2025 20:25

For those women who’ve given up on men, do you ever miss sex? Are you not especially bothered about it, or do you make other arrangements (eg FWB)? I broke up recently with the first person I’d dated post-marriage and I find it hard to imagine going without for years.

NattyTurtle59 · 30/01/2025 20:25

I'm actually in my 60s but have been single since my early 40s. I LOVE living alone, and never feel lonely (other than because the last of my cats recently died - I miss them more than I do any person). I have no children either. There is no way I would ever share my home with another person, and I'm not even interested in dating anyone. I've never been able to understand women who can't be happy without a man in their life.

BedBathAndBeyonce · 30/01/2025 20:28

6 years post divorce and never been happier. I’m mid-forties. Kids are nearing end of higher education, at which point, it’s slowly dawning on me… I’ll be free to do whatever, and go wherever, the actual fuck I want.

No way I’m giving that up for some bloke (again).

BedBathAndBeyonce · 30/01/2025 20:30

BabCNesbitt · 30/01/2025 20:25

For those women who’ve given up on men, do you ever miss sex? Are you not especially bothered about it, or do you make other arrangements (eg FWB)? I broke up recently with the first person I’d dated post-marriage and I find it hard to imagine going without for years.

As I recently said to my hairdresser who asked this question… I do more than alright.

colouringindoors · 30/01/2025 20:33

BabCNesbitt · 30/01/2025 20:25

For those women who’ve given up on men, do you ever miss sex? Are you not especially bothered about it, or do you make other arrangements (eg FWB)? I broke up recently with the first person I’d dated post-marriage and I find it hard to imagine going without for years.

I do! 😅

YourChirpyFatball · 30/01/2025 20:43

Being alone but not lonely is wonderful. I love days of having no arrangements, not having to talk to anyone, enjoying cooking for myself because I'm worth it.
For so many years I felt that I should fit in, be married or have a partner. The world seems to full of couples. These ideas led me into abusive or unfulfilling relationships. As I have moved on through my life I see that solitude is a precious gift.

TwistedWonder · 30/01/2025 20:44

BabCNesbitt · 30/01/2025 20:25

For those women who’ve given up on men, do you ever miss sex? Are you not especially bothered about it, or do you make other arrangements (eg FWB)? I broke up recently with the first person I’d dated post-marriage and I find it hard to imagine going without for years.

Sex is the only thing I miss about being in a relationship especially as my marriage and my only post divorce relationship were both very highly sexual.
Being celibate for 5 years is no fun but I’ve not met anyone I want to be in a relationship with and I can’t do casual sex so it’s Love Honeys finest for me.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2025 20:45

BabCNesbitt · 30/01/2025 20:25

For those women who’ve given up on men, do you ever miss sex? Are you not especially bothered about it, or do you make other arrangements (eg FWB)? I broke up recently with the first person I’d dated post-marriage and I find it hard to imagine going without for years.

Sure. But that's the only thing, so it's just not worth the price for me. There's always DIY. If you're happy with unemotional sex you can sort that out in ten minutes on tinder.

TwistedWonder · 30/01/2025 20:48

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2025 20:20

I find this topic really interesting.

Loneliness isn't an emotion I've ever experienced. I don't really 'get' what you mean really.

I'm single and 50.

I spend all day busy - work/hobbies/friends/stuff.

And of an evening, I cannot wait to be on my own. Literally the earlier I can get in to my pjs and on the sofa in complete peace the better.

I love my social nights out but in between and during the week, i absolutely love coming home and not having to engage in conversation with anyone. I don’t think I could deal with getting home from work and having uk speak to someone when all I want is peace and quiet.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2025 20:52

I think it's probably why dating doesn't really work for so many as we get older @TwistedWonder . The more time you have single (both men and women) after a ltr, the less and less likely you are to want someone to stamp noise all over your peace.

SierraSapphire · 30/01/2025 20:53

I think it's difficult being alone and having had cancer. @bringonyourwreckingball - no one to do things for you when you are sick from chemo, nobody who will automatically drive you to appointments, having to keep asking favours of whoever doesn't have to work or whatever, no one necessarily there when you're feeling really low and scared, no other income coming into the house. I think that gave me a different perspective on being alone, as I don't have any close family either other than my DD, who was too young to do those things when I was ill, it does make me feel that things are more precarious than they felt when I was healthy. My friends were brilliant, but I don't think they have the same perspective as a partner or close family.

I just keep myself busy, I was self-employed but found I was working on my own too much so I went and got a job, and that has been great. I go to gym classes a lot, I do have one friend I see every weekend, which gives me some continuity and somebody to talk to about minutiae in the same way that you might as a partner. It is tough though.

therattlebag23 · 30/01/2025 20:54

Poor you, OP, you have had a rough time. I am the same age as you and have an older teen, but have been single for many years. I love it. I think the trick is to cultivate female friendships with people who are either single or functionally single (e.g. their husbands are always working or hate doing things outside the house). I have a range of great friends, and I know they rely on my company and support as much as I rely on theirs. There are lots of people who are lonely in their marriages. What doesn't work for me is having too many friends who are busy with their husbands and kids and it feels like they have to make time for me.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2025 20:57

I think the best gift you can give yourself is to be happy alone.

It gives you so much power if ever you do find yourself in a relationship.

Not making me happy? Dumped. I'm fine alone.

bombastix · 30/01/2025 21:08

Yes I'm not in "get a man in". I have older teenagers where I am massive inconvenience and only fill the fridge.

But I have just started to revive my old links and friends. Have dinner parties, Talk rot. Go running. Go on weekend breaks. Drink wine and affect expertise with others. Go cold water swimming and take a sauna. I have a job too, which sometimes takes me overseas, I change my job often to not get in a rut. And my house is very nice even with the teenagers eating crisps in it.

If I ever did another relationship it would living apart together. Each party has their own place and then sometimes the other visits. I think that could be a thing for you OP, to have companionship? I know I don't want another man in the house full time. The current male has whiskers. And if he gets difficult he can be scooped up and placed outside swiftly!

You will find your way. Busy yourself first and it will come!

Original poster
bringonyourwreckingball · 30/01/2025 21:10

SierraSapphire · 30/01/2025 20:53

I think it's difficult being alone and having had cancer. @bringonyourwreckingball - no one to do things for you when you are sick from chemo, nobody who will automatically drive you to appointments, having to keep asking favours of whoever doesn't have to work or whatever, no one necessarily there when you're feeling really low and scared, no other income coming into the house. I think that gave me a different perspective on being alone, as I don't have any close family either other than my DD, who was too young to do those things when I was ill, it does make me feel that things are more precarious than they felt when I was healthy. My friends were brilliant, but I don't think they have the same perspective as a partner or close family.

I just keep myself busy, I was self-employed but found I was working on my own too much so I went and got a job, and that has been great. I go to gym classes a lot, I do have one friend I see every weekend, which gives me some continuity and somebody to talk to about minutiae in the same way that you might as a partner. It is tough though.

SierraSapphire I think we might have been on the cancer thread together at some point - I hope you are doing ok. It was hard at the time but my kids were amazing and as my cancer nurse pointed out my exh would have been fucking useless.
This has all been really useful. I think what I really need to accept is that the last 2 years don’t really count in the learning to be alone stakes because they were about not dying and getting my kids through exams, parents divorce and mum trying not to die. I need a break to figure out the new normal.

OP posts:
SierraSapphire · 30/01/2025 21:29

Yeah, I recognise you @bringonyourwreckingball. I'm fine, touchwood, other than six monthly check up anxiety!

My DM died last year and I'd been looking after her for five years, kind of reluctantly. It does take a lot out of you that constant giving to other people. When I had more time for myself, I started to play tennis which has been massively enjoyable, and filled a bit of a gap for me in terms of not knowing what to do with myself. I do still feel I need to build up friendships a bit more, and I agree with @therattlebag23's point about it being important to have friends who are single or practically single given that they rarely do anything with their partners, being invited to things when everyone else is in a couple can emphasise your singleness. I'm not going out of my way to find a relationship, but if I did meet somebody then I think I would welcome that, though I probably wouldn't want to live with them.

Original poster
bringonyourwreckingball · 30/01/2025 21:37

SierraSapphire · 30/01/2025 21:29

Yeah, I recognise you @bringonyourwreckingball. I'm fine, touchwood, other than six monthly check up anxiety!

My DM died last year and I'd been looking after her for five years, kind of reluctantly. It does take a lot out of you that constant giving to other people. When I had more time for myself, I started to play tennis which has been massively enjoyable, and filled a bit of a gap for me in terms of not knowing what to do with myself. I do still feel I need to build up friendships a bit more, and I agree with @therattlebag23's point about it being important to have friends who are single or practically single given that they rarely do anything with their partners, being invited to things when everyone else is in a couple can emphasise your singleness. I'm not going out of my way to find a relationship, but if I did meet somebody then I think I would welcome that, though I probably wouldn't want to live with them.

glad to Hear you are ok, I just had my first post cancer mammogram and am tentatively ok too.
I do strung;e with the single friends, I have none. A couple who are happy or keen to do certain things without DH eg daughter’s boyfriend’s mum is my new theatre buddy.

OP posts: