If you are late 40s/50s and have given up on men, how do you not get lonely?

[bringonyourwreckingball]

I will be 50 next week. 18 year marriage ended very badly 2 years ago. Kids are 19 and nearly 17, eldest at Uni. Exh was quite controlling and useless with the children which really limited my opportunities to make local friends. I have done OLD occasionally post divorce, not had great experiences and can’t really see myself ever living with a man again. But my friends are all in relationships and when my daughter is at her dad’s I get very lonely. I have hobbies but sometimes all I really want is some companionship at home. I have tried joining things but more often than not that just makes me feel more alone.

I actually am a single woman in her 50s. I have first hand experience of how easy it is to get a relationship. It's not very easy.

How many relationships do you think you get by swiping right on every man on Tinder? In my experience this may result in some low effort offers of sex, but zero relationships.

My Tinder matches are currently zero. Admittedly I do filter, but mainly on basic parameters such as -must be single and monogamous, reasonably local, looking for long term and ok with dating a woman with kids who can't travel at the drop of a hat. I also don't swipe on obese men, men with tattoos on their face or neck or men who are rude in their bio. It's not a massively demanding list and most men who are looking for something more than casual sex probably do similar.

I've been online dating for about 8 years on and off. Zero relationships.

@LuluBlakey1

That's 4 days though knowing that you have an OH that's going to come back. A bit different being single.

It's like the thread at Christmas where someone single asked what other 'singletons' were up to and loads of married people came to post to say how they'd spend the day if they were on their own. Not the same 😂

I was single until I was 30. I am happy in my own company. I relish it. I love DH but would not want another relationship.

Dog

This rings true for me. I'm about 2 years post divorce and have bounced back much more quickly than I ever envisaged and am a bit taken aback to find myself happier in my own skin than I've ever been.

I'm lucky to have some wonderful friends, who are either single, functionally single, or are in happy relationships and for various reasons have time to themselves. Over the years we have become close and I'm lucky to feel they have my back and are invested in my life, as I am in theirs.

I think spending time doing hobbies, volunteering, working, joining groups that you enjoy tends to naturally lead to friendships which deepen over time.

I never expected to be this content living alone, but I'm finding the freedom is great.

I hope you find some contentment as time goes by OP.

Learn to make things. Pottery is my thing, but there is painting, knitting, crotcheting, sewing, playing musical instruments … learning to make things has been wonderful for me, and I don’t ever feel lonely.
in fact, I love my life far more now that I get to enjoy my life, than I did when I had a partner who limited me to his interests.

But it was only four days, and you knew it would only be four days. That's a very different proposition to being single for, say, four years and not knowing whether you'll ever meet someone.

So if we swipe right on every single male profile, 99% of the matches would be totally unsuitable so what does that prove?

I’ve been on an OLD site where men can message without matching - almost all of the messages were from men 20 years my senior or junior, ones who looked like Rab C Nesbitt or Dobby, one who were 5 inches shorter than me or who lived 300 miles away.

I’m in my 50’s and all of my single friends are long term - at least 2/3 years the longest being 12 years single - and there absolutely is NOT a string of suitable men out there to date

Believe me most mature women don’t have a wide selection of men to choose from - actually finding one is like looking fur a needle in a haystack. That’s why so many women no longer bother. It’s far too much effort for very little reward.

Sorry but that’s just ridiculous. Most relationships the man generally does the approaching. So we’re supposed to rule them all out as potential cheats?

On that basis let’s rule out all men on OLD as they’re obviously swiping on other women as well therefore by your logical they’re more likely to cheat.

Im presuming you’re a man because your posts show absolutely no understanding of modern dating as an older woman.

I live alone: I have a very hectic and intense career. Lots of meetings and people and phone calls.

I also have a close family circle and go I spent time with at the weekend. A mix of friends who I see every couple of months

I think of living alone as a luxury. I come home from work at about 7pm and close enjoy my calm sanctuary. I make meals that I will enjoy, watch TV and, yes, catch up on work emails.

you are still relatively new to being on your own: but you need to give yourself a break, and actually like yourself and your own company.

do you work from home? The only time I found living alone lonely was lockdown. I know people argue parents had it toughest - but at the start not seeing people for weeks and not leaving the house was dreadfully lonely.

You don’t have a clue what you are talking about

I have a dog.
I have friends.
I have a job.
I have a lot of interests.
Last thing I need is a man really.

I might be alone but I am never lonely or bored...

I have friends, a job, a lot of passions and hobbies that keep my life full and I have my garden, my house to renovate and my pets to care for.

Not giving a monkey about men anymore has done wonder for my self-confidence: I used to always worry that I was never good enough, pretty enough and find all type of flaws in my body and face.

Honestly for me it has been a positive thing in my life not to bother with dating anymore or to have anything to do with men's bullshit.

Of course I accept that there are some great men out there, but unfortunately those who have crossed my path genuinely were not worth my time or energy and never brought anything positive in my life.

But everyone is different so if you want companionship there is no reason why you can't keep meeting men through hobbies, sport, volunteering...online dating though is not great when it comes to middle aged men so I would give that a miss.

Do you find you get men pursuing you especially now you're self sufficient?

The women have a ton of amazing options for a relationship comment - what a ridiculous take 🙄

I’m 34, yes I could like most women get tons of matches on tinder - but the majority of those will just want sex…why are you conflating this with compatible men we would want relationships with?

Whilst the above may be a dream come true for men, we don’t see it that way. At all.

Well, a lot of posters on here are in loveless marriages where the man apparently just wants a skivvy and probably can't even remember their own kids' names. That is lonely.

Yep. We’ve all got endless options if we drop our bar to subterranean and are desperate for a slack jawed, three chinned, blank eyed, high viz wearing chancer with Norman Bates vibes who sends a message like ‘wow babe u r well fit wud u like 2 chat’

Last time I tried OLD and gave up very quickly, I had no end of offers asking if I do anal, an I into S&M or if mistress wants her shoes licked. And many more of that ilk.

Even the ones who seem decent to start usually go down the ‘ I know you say you’re not into casual but………..’ route after about 3 messages

So yes if we have no standards or boundaries then I suppose the options are there - though most of us wouldn’t see those as legitimate partners

So if we swipe right on every single male profile, 99% of the matches would be totally unsuitable so what does that prove?

You're entitled to be picky, but I don't understand the logic behind being very picky then bemoaning a lack of compionship.

I am not looking for a relationship now, but whenever I used dating apps, I never applied any filters at all with the exception of distance. If I was to swipe right on every single profile, I would get half a dozen matches every 2-3 months at best.

Why approach dating with a shopping list of arbitrary criteria? There could be a very nice person who does not fit most, or any, or the criteria at all. Really, the only criteria that anyone should have for dating is that they are the right gender, they are a nice person, and they have a good heart.

I’m in my 50’s and all of my single friends are long term - at least 2/3 years the longest being 12 years single - and there absolutely is NOT a string of suitable men out there to date

This is factually incorrect. The data shows that men greatly outnumber women on all dating platforms.

Sorry but that’s just ridiculous. Most relationships the man generally does the approaching. So we’re supposed to rule them all out as potential cheats?

Why do you not approach men that you think are interesting?

I would rather have my dog as company, alongside R4 and streaming services. I get more love and interesting ideas from all of the above than I ever did from the humanoid hairy beast that used to share the bed!

You're entitled to be picky, but I don't understand the logic behind being very picky then bemoaning a lack of compionship.

But the particular poster you've quoted there @shuggles, has not once bemoaned a lack of companionship. She has clearly said she loves being single.

So that makes zero sense.

A growing number of women love being single, and are perfectly entitled to be picky as they choose to be. It's their choice, after all.

If I was to swipe right on every single profile, I would get half a dozen matches every 2-3 months at best.

This is very unusual and not the norm for women.

Why approach dating with a shopping list of arbitrary criteria? There could be a very nice person who does not fit most, or any, or the criteria at all. Really, the only criteria that anyone should have for dating is that they are the right gender, they are a nice person, and they have a good heart.

Eh? You do you, and let other people do what they want. If you want to date someone because they are a nice person and have a good heart, then go wild, no one is stopping you. And, equally, other women can choose their own arbitrary criteria. It's up to them. Your whole post is absurd.

So wanting a man who doesn’t like resemble a tramp, works for a living, lives within a reasonable distance, is within a similar age bracket, doesn’t talk filth after 2 messages and can hold a conversation is being ‘very picky’?’

Honestly mate you really haven’t got a clue what it’s like for women of a certain age out there . And the constant telling women they’re wrong and you’re right is just embarrassing.

And I don’t say there’s more women than men on dating platforms so maybe reading isn’t your strong point. Read what actually says - there’s not a string of DECENT men out there.

Stop telling women their lived experience isn’t true and basically saying we should drop our standards to get a man. Most women would rather be righteous than lower their bar to the level of the desperate types that many of us get approached by.

Ive messaged men on dating apps first but very few reply and those who do, the ones who can hold any level of reasonable communication is very low.

Im very social im out most weekends but I repeat, there is not a string of eligible single men out there for women over 50. Everyone is telling you this - believe it

Sorry quoted wrong post

Yep. Apparently having standards is ‘being very picky’

So we should be giving every 30 stone pasty faced one legged bloke a chance rather than be single eh

JFC - how dare we have personal preferences of who floats our boat