If you are late 40s/50s and have given up on men, how do you not get lonely?

[bringonyourwreckingball]

I will be 50 next week. 18 year marriage ended very badly 2 years ago. Kids are 19 and nearly 17, eldest at Uni. Exh was quite controlling and useless with the children which really limited my opportunities to make local friends. I have done OLD occasionally post divorce, not had great experiences and can’t really see myself ever living with a man again. But my friends are all in relationships and when my daughter is at her dad’s I get very lonely. I have hobbies but sometimes all I really want is some companionship at home. I have tried joining things but more often than not that just makes me feel more alone.

NordicwithTeen the blokes you're meeting online sound dire if they're bullshitters with no conversation and no interest in travelling or in doing things together, let alone Tate fans (shudder). I think shuggles is deliberately obtuse in missing these points. But there's nothing inherently wrong with football, fishing or cycling - if not done to excess - and if you rule out all men with any interest in those you'll be looking for a long time. Am a bloke and, like millions of others, enjoy cycling, occasional sea fishing, history, music and a lot more besides.
More generally, I think this thread serves a useful purpose in sharing the experiences of women who have met a lot of unimpressive men. But wasn't that already obvious? There are about the same number of unimpressive women out there. What purpose, if any, would a men's thread complaining about them serve? Genuine question.

I have talk radio stations on 24/7 and occasionally talk to myself 🤔

you'll be looking for a long time.

@dogfishman no one on this thread is looking. That's the point. Being single is better.

Sure, quite possibly. My point wasn’t about whether that’s the right decision. It was that cycling, fishing and football are not a great basis on which to dismiss a lot of men, any more than enjoying spa days would be a sensible basis on which to dismiss women.

Posing with a giant fish is one of the biggest swipe left for most women.

Maybe some men love fishing - though I’m not sure I know any men in my circle who do - but thinking that posting a pic with a fish the size of a child is a good idea on a dating app, absolutely no.

Football isn’t a problem for me as I grew up in the shadow of a premier league ground and my whole family are huge supporters so it’s been in my life the whole time. In fact I don’t think a man who doesn’t like football (or who supports Spurs) would work for me

I wouldn’t dream of it twistedwonder. Either fish-posing or supporting Spurs, and certainly not simultaneously. Admittedly this isn’t the point of this thread. Looking around at the marriages my male friends are in I’d say they’re a decidedly mixed bag and, if you’re looking at the bottom 50%, both the men and the women would be far better off single. So I think it can apply both ways.

This isn't true. Round my way, cyclists are entitled twats, they take up all the path every time without a thank you. All of them, never passed a pleasant one. It would be an immediate swipe left from me. Also, if a bloke is both fit and details that he has young kids, you can have a fairly good guess at why his wife has divorced him.

The great majority of the posts here are in the 'being single is fabulous, embrace it, enjoy it and you'll not feel lonely'. That is mostly true in general and for me specifically with the proviso that I do feel really lonely sometimes. And when I see the future stretching out when children have moved out and on and my own parents pass away, I think those moments may well increase. But no life or set of circumstances is or could be perfect. I think the secret to being basically content and mosty happy is accepting it all, that all human feelings - good and bad are valid - but you shouldn't let them overwhelm you. Life as a single person now is mostly great but I am financially secure, healthy and relatively young (50). Who knows what challenges the future will bring and whether doing it alone or with someone would be harder or easier? A core of acceptance and contentment is important to try to achieve OP but don't feel bad about feeling bad or lonely or sad, those are perfectly valid responses to the vicissitudes of life. You have had to deal with an awful lot in a short space of time.

100% agree and ditto men who spend all weekend on a paddle board, halfway up a mountain (not sure where they find one here in Herts anyway), in a kayak etc etc etc

Maybe a lot of men have these hobbies but if I’m dating someone, weekends would be about sharing time together so anyone with a time consuming weekend hobby wouldn’t be for me.

And personally I find fishing abhorrent so those ‘look at me with a giant carp’ photos are a huge ick.

As many of the WOMEN have said, we’d rather be single than settle for someone who isn’t right for us do we really don’t need men telling us what we should tolerate. We’re good thanks

Both fish and cycling are howling signs of never being available (and if there are small children fathered by this man then agree, v bad sign).

It's entirely up to you what you like or tolerate *arethereanyleftatall and twistedwonder. My point is just that cycling and other hobbies can be perfectly fine if not done to excess, or destructive if they are. I live in SW London and don't think I know a family where everyone doesn't have a bike. Sometimes dad heads out, sometimes mum does, sometimes they all do, but my point is that it's the approach to it that matters, not the thing itself. Obviously if it's all weekend then that's excessive but in moderation I don't see the big deal. Presumably you have hobbies of your own that you'd pursue separately at times, that's healthy isn't it?

And, theleafandnotthetree, wise words IMHO.

I am starting to get round to the idea of staying single, and perhaps also celibate, at 52. Reflecting on my past relationships, they've mostly been disappointing. I either had a good-ish (but boring) relationship, OR good sex (or neither), and the past two men have been not a good fit in the last 10 years. I think this is in part due to me thinking that I am past the age to attract a man who I think would be my equal (professional, mature, independent, active, etc.), so have been trying to 'date down' for the past 7 years. I was with one man who had some cocklodging tendencies and the other was nice, but I felt we did not connect on an intellectual level. and caused me to hold back in conversations). Both also had ED and/or were poorly endowed as a bonus.

I am sure there are some nice 40s-50s men out there, even at my age, but I no longer am flexible enough mentally to live with someone again, share the tv, discuss what is for dinner, deal with annoying habits and poor sleep. I don't want to share my house or time. I have never and will never adhere to UK's regressive gender norms (I am from a more progressive country), and would expect any partner to at least as much as I do, or more, since equality has some catching up to do. I will not do any wife-work, take on any mental load, or take up their hobbies (they can join me in mine, of course). And given that I am 'really a man' as one of my exes stated, I don't think many biological men will go for that as I'm too choosy and feminist ;-)

I tried dating (well I signed up to Hinge for a week), but the men bore me to tears and I cannot imagine actually having to spend time and energy to meet one of them. Again, they're probably nice enough, but get bored easily and if they do not woo me with their conversation when they have all the time in the world to come up with a reply I do not hold any hope for anything in real-time.

I am very outdoorsy, and actually meet all these cycling (MTB, not the stupid mamils, I would not consider them) and kayaking men (not the fishing men). I might pick up an FWB there, but I think I will sail into the sunshine mostly solo from now on.

Yup, I have hobbies @dogfishman
But not hobbies where my expectation is that every person I pass should immediately press themselves in to nettles and dogshit so that I can pass by without bothering my brakes so that my strava time is not impacted.

.. so perhaps *arethereanyleftatall *your problem is with rude path-hogging cyclists, as it would presumably be with road-hogging drivers, rather than with all cyclists per se? Plenty of cyclists stick to cycle lanes, roads and parks. Of course you have the right to dismiss all cyclists, footballers, potters or anyone else and live happily single for good, but I don't think it's helpful to tar them all with the same brush, whether they're men or women.

😂😂😂 this is the thread that keeps on giving.

Thank you for explaining to me @dogfishman about the behaviour of the cyclists in my area, of which you know precisely zero about, whereas I pass them every day so am 💯 familiar, given that I live here and you don't.

It is deliciously ironic that all male contributions to this thread have been to inform women how they should be thinking and behaving.

Of course @arethereanyleftatall I know nothing about the cyclists in your area as I don't know where that is, but am referring to cyclists in general and making the the point that, as with any very large group of people, some are great while some aren't. I don't see how this is telling anyone how to behave, just suggesting that such broad generalisations can quickly eliminate about 90% of the population.

I find it so telling that a man says we should date anyone "of the right gender" and "with a good heart". It really confirms to me the essential difference between men and women - that we are so much pickier about who we will be physically intimate with. I think men, when they're at a point in their life that they want a serious relationship, will just settle for whatever willing and pleasant enough woman is in the vicinity. Whereas I don't fancy most men, and can think of little more awkward than spending the evening on a date with a man I don't fancy, thinking of my exit strategy and excuses. I'd rather be single than have a man I'm not attracted to be all in my business.

That said, I could not care less about their hobbies, unless it's something really creepy like reading books about serial killers.

100% - I’ve been on dates with men I thought I would give a chance to and it was a waste of both of our time. A vaguely pleasant evening chatting to a nice enough bloke but zero attraction. I’d rather have been sitting opposite a mate having a laugh.

At this stage of life, I’m not looking to ever cohabitate again so I would only be interested in dating at weekends, sharing time together not waiting for him to peel off his sweating Lycra, dry himself off after climbing out of his kayak or sending me a selfie holding a giant fish!

Im not an outdoors pursuits type of girl so dating for me is about nice bars, going out to eat, going dancing, music festivals and cozy days and nights in.

If that rules some men out then so be it, they’re not for me.

Haha, I get you, but I think I'm wanting even less from a man... I need my weekends as me-time! Occasional evenings and trips will do me 😅

@TwistedWonder 100% - I’ve been on dates with men I thought I would give a chance to and it was a waste of both of our time. A vaguely pleasant evening chatting to a nice enough bloke but zero attraction. I’d rather have been sitting opposite a mate having a laugh. - I've had this experience many times dating women. If the attraction ain't there you can't manufacture it. There are probably more men who are undiscriminating about sex with women they don't actually fancy that much, but for longer term relationships I think attraction carries a lot of weight for both men and women.
Presume you'd expect any man you dated to have some hobbies that don't include you? If so, then provided they don't harm anyone else, are not done to excess, and are not utterly weird or repellent, why care what they are?

@dogfishman
My experience it tends to be women who compromise
because mens hobbies easily take over. I know you said " not to excess" but what does that mean in reality? Mens hobbies define them in lots of cases.

I agree *AndThereSheGoes *that nobody should have to compromise more than they're happy with and women shouldn't be bullied or hassled into doing things that don't interest them. In reality, if he wants to head out on a bike ride during the weekend for a couple of hours and/or she wants to spend the same time at the gym or dance class, why not? Spending 24/7 together even at weekends isn't for everyone. Obviously if they have family commitments they should have equal rights to free time for hobbies and pursuits.

@dogfishman you misunderstand me.

It's normal couple have there own interests and time apart. It's just that woman's hobbies tend not to take over the relationship in the same way men view hobbies.

The reason women are saying no to cyclists, fishermen or football fans is experience of their self interest. It's not because we want a man stuck to our side 24/7 but because they can be so bloody boring.

Every time I check back onto this thread some man has dragged it off on a tangent. It's so bizarre. When I'm bored in the evenings I read or watch television. I can't imagine going on some largely male sub reddit and annoying the posters with irrelevant suggestions.