If you are late 40s/50s and have given up on men, how do you not get lonely?

[bringonyourwreckingball]

I will be 50 next week. 18 year marriage ended very badly 2 years ago. Kids are 19 and nearly 17, eldest at Uni. Exh was quite controlling and useless with the children which really limited my opportunities to make local friends. I have done OLD occasionally post divorce, not had great experiences and can’t really see myself ever living with a man again. But my friends are all in relationships and when my daughter is at her dad’s I get very lonely. I have hobbies but sometimes all I really want is some companionship at home. I have tried joining things but more often than not that just makes me feel more alone.

No, I do not miss it at all. Never was crazy about it either, but for the longest time with my ex, I tried to be "compliant" as much as possible to keep him happy. I think this killed my desire totally.

You are so right @YourChirpyFatball most of us are brought up to believe that we are not enough, that we have to be married (or in a relationship) in order to be complete. That is why a lot of us chose to stay in unhealthy relationships. I love this by the way: "solitude is a precious gift.". Thank you for these words.

Yes and it’s the only thing I would want a relationship for, but I don’t think that’s a strong enough basis for one tbh.

The longer I am single though I am just never encountering anyone I want anything with, either casually or something more. So I think it does diminish with time.

Whoops I tagged the wrong post sorry 🤣

I have been in a similar position to you. There is nothing more lonely than living with an abusive partner. And I would pity his new victim TBH

2 years is not very long, you are probably still processing trauma.

Your future is now up to you. You really don’t need a relationship, make the most of your new adventures. It’s exciting , just give yourself time.

Think about what you used to enjoy or some things you always wanted to try, and go and do them. I suspect you have spent most of your adult life prioritising other people's wants and needs above your own (as most of us have). Once you start putting yourself first the effort and compromise required for a relationship won't seem worth it and being alone won't feel like loneliness.

I’m 50 & not lonely at all (well, my WFH is lonely but I can change that once my DD doesn’t need me to drop
off/pick up) but I love my own company, I’m my own best friend! I love spending time with my friends too but I think too highly of myself (in the most none-arrogant way) to just try to find ‘someone’. I’ve never and would never look for a man. If Ricky Gervais gets fed up with Jane & comes knocking then yes! Otherwise, I’m more than happy with my single life! I’ve actually had good relationships but I find it too much compromise!

I also love animals so will always have a dog, which helps! Plus my DD is still young so I’m busy anyway.

Edited to add - there’s only 1 relationship out of all my friends that I see as a good solid partnership. All the rest, someone is either settling or unhappy, or both!

I just get lonely. And accept that I'm lonely.

I'm a bit younger (mid-30s) and I honestly never get lonely. Same as PP, I'm my own best friend and love my own company. I have lots of friends and a very active social life, but I'm very happy doing things solo - exercise, going for long walks while listening to a podcast, taking myself out for dinner because I fancy it, getting a facial or a massage, going to the theatre. Or just staying in and reading a book.

Life is so rich. 😊

@bringonyourwreckingball I never understand these threads.

As a woman, you have a choice from many different men, and if you want a relationship you can simply have one.

It's not the same for men, as men will normally only have the choice of one woman (two if they're particularly lucky).

Point here is, if you have access to many different men, then why opt for a man who is controlling? Why not just opt for a man who isn't controlling?

I'm three years out of a bad marriage and kids are at the leaving home stage. I very much got sucked into my exH's life and didn't have many strong friendships when my marriage ended.
I work full time and joined a hobby that takes place on Tuesday evenings. Then Wednesday evenings I'm usually tired and happy to be home so the week goes by quite quickly. I also joined a book club that meets once a month.
I try to get away for a night every couple of months. This month I'm going to a concert and staying in a nice hotel by myself. It feels a bit daunting but I'm looking forward to it very much as well.
I think that it's natural to feel lonely and I don't enjoy the celibacy at all, but I want to build up a life that I'm happy in before I even consider dating again.

@bringonyourwreckingball I think this poster has solved it. You and I and others in similar positions will not be lonely if we simply turn back time and choose better men to begin with.

OP, I've made a brilliant friend in the past 2 years. I knew her vaguely for a few years but she had an extra ticket for something random a couple of years ago and asked me and our friendship really took off. And if it hadn't, it was a pleasant night out and we would have gone back to being somewhere between acquaintances and friends with no issues.

Anyway, recently she mentioned she had decided to stop letting life pass her by and actively started looking for events to go to and people to go with, took up a sport she played when she was young, and is just generally having a muxh nicer time. Her DC are similar ages to yours, and only the younger at home full time. She literally just decided she was going to be busy doing things and started doing them. It sounds so simple but she said it changed her life.

You do realise that these people put a show of being decent on in the initial stages of a relationship do you? Usually the real horror emerges when the woman is in too deep to leave. Pregnant, isolated, financially dependent or all of this and more.

All Assisted by general misogyny in our society

Your post is staggeringly ignorant

I'm never lonely (for a man) I have great friends and enjoy my own company.

I don't even consider looking for a relationship tbh, if it's meant to be it will be.

I took up dating for fun, a few months later I met my now husband. There's someone out there when you are ready

I'm sure the OP can just hop into her time machine and pick a different man to have raised her children with. How is this helpful?

And as for where we are now, do you think it's easy for a woman of 50 to just choose a relationship from a selection of different men?

Then you’re already halfway there. The other 50% is wine.

I'm mid 40s and have mainly been single, apart from a few short relationships, so I'm used to being and doing things alone. I'm not lonely though. I'd love to meet someone but I'm not settling for the sake of it. I've got a cat and quite happy to be a 'crazy cat lady', it's quite peaceful and no drama, and no one else to pick up after at home.

@Donttellempike You do realise that these people put a show of being decent on in the initial stages of a relationship do you? Usually the real horror emerges when the woman is in too deep to leave. Pregnant, isolated, financially dependent or all of this and more.

It's not as if the men's personalities suddenly change overnight. There are aspects of their character and behaviour which should give clues as to how they might be in a relationship. As just one quick example, a man who approaches you for a relationship shouldn't be trusted, because there's no logical reason why he wouldn't be doing the same with other women- hence he is more likely to cheat.

@Almostwelsh I'm sure the OP can just hop into her time machine and pick a different man to have raised her children with. How is this helpful?

I'm not saying to get in a time machine. But having had a relationship with a controlling man, the solution would be for her next partner to be more passive and indifferent.

And as for where we are now, do you think it's easy for a woman of 50 to just choose a relationship from a selection of different men?

What makes you think 50 year old women can't have relationships? At all ages, it's men who have to compete for women- not the other way round.

Make a Tinder profile of a 50 year old woman and swipe right on every single man's profile. How many matches do you think this profile will get? I would bet at least 100 matches.

Four days in Yorkshire isn't exactly Enoch Arden...

Well I wasn't planning on having him declared dead, just making the point that I didn't feel lonely ir muss him and DC- I was pleased to have that time alone.

@shuggles another helpful post. Your insistence on deliberately misreading the thread and offering idiotic insights is reminding me why I have an ExH. It's making me feel less lonely.

Is loneliness a lack of companionship of any kind or a lack of male companionship. Take sex out of the equation and women tend to have more in common with other women. Perhaps look to build friendships rather than romantic relationships.

What is loneliness to you?