If you are late 40s/50s and have given up on men, how do you not get lonely?

[bringonyourwreckingball]

I will be 50 next week. 18 year marriage ended very badly 2 years ago. Kids are 19 and nearly 17, eldest at Uni. Exh was quite controlling and useless with the children which really limited my opportunities to make local friends. I have done OLD occasionally post divorce, not had great experiences and can’t really see myself ever living with a man again. But my friends are all in relationships and when my daughter is at her dad’s I get very lonely. I have hobbies but sometimes all I really want is some companionship at home. I have tried joining things but more often than not that just makes me feel more alone.

And just to correct our resident make expert on who women should date - the word you are looking for is SEX not gender

Men do outnumber women on the apps, but a not insignificant number of those are not single - plenty of them even admit such in their bios.

Does not wanting to date married men count as picky?

Ah, is @shuggles a man?

In that case I can answer Why do you not approach men that you think are interesting?

A : Because I don't want to.

Apparently so. Plus men who say they’re ENM (but not actually told the wife) Also men who ask if you’re up for anal as an opening message, men who are a dead ringer for fat bastard from Austin powers, dwarves, octogenarians, send a message saying ‘I fink u r wel sexy innit’ etc etc etc - damn us picky women for having standards

• single not righteous

@arethereanyleftatall "If I was to swipe right on every single profile, I would get half a dozen matches every 2-3 months at best."
This is very unusual and not the norm for women.

No, this is not unusual at all. Most men would report receiving very few matches on dating apps.

@TwistedWonder So wanting a man who doesn’t like resemble a tramp, works for a living, lives within a reasonable distance, is within a similar age bracket, doesn’t talk filth after 2 messages and can hold a conversation is being ‘very picky’?’

Well the overwhelming majority of people do work. Fashion is subjective. And sexual talk isn't strictly incompatible with a relationship (there was a thread some time ago in which a startling number of women reported being married long term to men that they had sex with on a first date).

And I don’t say there’s more women than men on dating platforms so maybe reading isn’t your strong point. Read what actually says - there’s not a string of DECENT men out there.
Stop telling women their lived experience isn’t true and basically saying we should drop our standards to get a man. Most women would rather be righteous than lower their bar to the level of the desperate types that many of us get approached by.

Statistically, that simply cannot be true. And I also think your descriptions of people on dating apps are rude and inappropriate.

There is a minority of rude people who seem to think that completely normal and average-looking people are hideous, and I suspect you may fall into that camp.

I hadn't realised you were a man @shuggles when I wrote that. Now I'm not surprised at all. I occasionally sign up when there's nothing on tv. Swipe left on everyone thinking I'd rather be single, then delete the app.

@arethereanyleftatall Swiping left on everyone means you are picky, by definition.

Well you suspect wrongly but then you won’t accept that because you’re so convinced you know better than anyone else.

And not quite sure why you’re on a thread about women giving up on men other than scold women for having even basic standards and boundaries.

And my descriptions are accurate but tbf I'm not bothered if a random stranger who patronises women thinks I’m rude

Honestly, ask a female friend the kind of messages and people on dating apps. Not one of them will say "lovely men who have so many interests that I actively look forward to reading profiles in my downtime". The men: Sport = fishing, watching or playing football or a lycra clad cyclist. They all love The Romans and most will say something like "I like Socrates" without ever having actually read a book about them, merely heard some Tate fan on Reddit ranting about how women need to be less picky and want to come across as a "thinker" obviously without having actually tried the thinking part. They all want the woman to make up the majority of conversation and often begin their wooing with "Hey" or simply "Fit" and seem to think we should all be swooning at this and eager to engage them in thrilling chat about whether their team won over the weekend, swiftly moving on to when we are free for no strings sex. At our place, not theirs, obviously.

If it wasn't like this and the men on offer had actual interesting things to talk about/read books/had hobbies that could include their partner, do you think there would be so many threads on here banging on about how boring all the men seem to be nowadays?

Indeed.

You've forgotten how lonely and annoying being with that one person is. Yes you have someone to share a hotel room on holiday but there's always the compromise - which can be massive if they are annoying people.

You have freedom. Enjoy or don't Your choice. Not dependent on anyone else influence.

I have 2 friends in this situation. One is currently sworn off men and the other has been (needingly) online dating for 2 years.

The one that’s alone is by far the happier of the two.

@NordicwithTeen The men: Sport = fishing, watching or playing football or a lycra clad cyclist.

Fishing is a worthwhile hobby which is relaxing and good for mental well-being.

Watching football is a good way to relax.

Playing football and cycling are both good for cardiovascular health, which reduces the risk of disease and premature death.

I don't understand what your issue is.

They all love The Romans and most will say something like "I like Socrates" without ever having actually read a book about them,

Have you spoken to them? A man who doesn't look like much might actually be more highly educated or thoughtful than you think.

They all want the woman to make up the majority of conversation

Some people are less talkative and there's nothing wrong with that. It tends to be a good match for a partner who prefers to talk more.

It's also a strange criticism given that one of the biggest complaints from women is being talked over by men, and men who talk endlessly and don't allow the woman to voice her opinion.

If it wasn't like this and the men on offer had actual interesting things to talk about/read books/had hobbies that could include their partner,

Why do their hobbies need to include you?

Ah, the irony of a bloke coming on a thread where women are discussing why they've happily given up on men, to remind us of precisely why its the right choice.

@NordicwithTeen - well that’s you told 🤣🤣

Well that's just proving my point that some people have the wrong attitude.

What you are completely missing @shuggles, is that I am completely happy with my attitude.

Anyway - back to the point of the thread……

Get a girlfriend!

lol at a man coming onto this thread when the OP is clearly asking for women's experiences....

I haven't given up on men yet and still have children at home, so am not alone (although that doesn't mean I'm not lonely). It's interesting reading the posts. I'm kind of at a stage where I'm pondering my future (I'm 54) and wondering if I want to be alone or with a man when I'm older.

I am on the dating apps and loosely following the Burned Haystack Method which basically is that you are really picky. You reduce the haystack (in which you're trying to find your needle) in size before you even start by writing a really precise bio and then being picky on who you swipe on, and then being very liberal with the blocking (for example if they don't respond to a message within 24 hours you block!). The thing I have changed is that I am not now being quite so arbitrary on things like their height, where they live, their names - I figure there might be a really lovely 55 year old who is 5'8 and called Barry.

And fwiw, I agree - I get far fewer matches now when I'm in my 50s than I did when I was 46 and first on the dating apps after a long marriage.

My girlfriends (married, in relationships and single) and my own company. And maybe a dog in a few years time :).
But don’t give up on men. Love comes when you least expect it.

lol at a man coming onto this thread when the OP is clearly asking for women's experiences....

And said man telling women their experiences aren’t true, our attitudes are wrong, scolding us for having standards and mansplaining where we’re all going wrong - it’s like a parody

Personally I had zero standards all through my teens, 20s and a chunk of 30s. I ended up with absolutely horrible men who cheated, lied and treated me terribly. So no, I don't want one of those again, I would like someone I actually want to spend time with. The men I speak to are boring, not very educated and have no interest in travelling, cooking, making a home with me or anyone else. I definitely don't want to be with anyone who has the attitude that i should just suck it up because no one should have any standards. On one hand you say "dont pick the one with character flaws then!" But then we arent allowed to put any filters in to check for those flaws? No thank you, I'm more than happy with my dog.