Husband moving to Dubai without us.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Has anyone on here got any experience of their spouse moving abroad for work without them?
This is a decision based on the financial benefits and neither of us are happy about it but have discussed it, and are willing to live apart for the two years required.
We have two teenage children and I have a job I love in the UK, and I didn't enjoy Dubai when we visited a few years ago.
I don't want to live there.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How do you cope?
I know I'm going to resent having to sort out all the kids and house stuff while DH gets to just look after himself, but financially we will pay off the house and be comfortable.
If others who have some this have any suggestions or tips, I'd be grateful.
Our marriage is pretty good and I trust DH as much as you can trust anyone. He's not a party person and doesn't drink or do drugs, but enjoys exploring new places. He doesn't make new friends easily, and I worry he'll actually be a bit lonely.

Can you explain why you want this for you and for rhe children? It seems such a limited relationship. It's a little like sending kids to boarding, they just don't have that same bond with the absent parents, but you've done it since birth.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I posted earlier to say it's not something I would do, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't, OP.

To contextualise it further, I think you should calculate the risk / reward profile of the decision and include the possibility of the marriage ending as a risk. i.e. If he stayed, where would you expect to be financially in 5-10 years' time?
If he goes, what are the best-possible and worst-possible financial outcomes? If he goes, has an affair (or whatever), and you divorce, where will you as an individual end up financially?

Yep. My father did two stints, for a total of about 8 years, starting when I was 9. He was unfaithful to my mother the whole time, sex workers and affairs. Rarely came home...I hated when he did, because my mother was even angrier than she usually was and they both took it out on myself and my two brothers. I was relieved when he used to go back...

Six months after my younger brother turned 18 he left my mother for another woman, then went working abroad again. That was 35 years ago and I've not seen him since.

It’s a really bad idea. Your children will be adults in a few short years; your husband should wait until then to fulfil his dream of living abroad. Maybe you will be able to go with him at that point? If you let him go without you there is a very big chance that your marriage will not survive. It sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind, but I really do you believe you should rethink. It’s not worth the risk.

Bullshit.

Although I reckon the percentage of men who wouldn't cheat if presented with their dream partner with no chance of anyone ever finding out is low. I'd say the same for women though.

'Tour' suggests military and specifically army. It's not something I could personally do, but in that case the serving party is proving a major service to their country and that will make the situation worthwhile for many.

The reference to large amounts of money suggests not army though! If it's an associated profession, the money can be absolutely insane, and the realistic alternatives for a job that doesn't require this lifestyle might be low paid. And as I've heard people say - if I'm going to be sleeping in a tent in the desert does it matter whether I'm a private contractor or direct military as long as I'm ok morally with the cause I'm supporting.

Tbh they speak to him and have a better relationship with him than most of their school friends have with their fathers - probably because DH makes the effort to be there. He’s not an absent parent - parents can be ‘present’ and be more ‘absent’ than my DH is. It’s about the effort you put into being a parent that decides whether you’re a good parent or not, not living in the same house or even the same country.

As it is, if I didn’t breed I would be in the same job - it was always my second dream (after dog breeding), so how can I be against someone doing something that I understand so well? DH is living an amazing life doing the jobs he has done and DC and I have benefitted as well.

I’d rather a DH who was overseas most of his career, who made an effort to never miss a birthday or Christmas and was a good parent than some of the dads I know through my children’s school or who I read about on mumsnet or I know through my own work who basically are ‘present’ (I.e not overseas) but don’t give two shits about their wife or kids.

Great coincidence for the Daily Mail to publish their moving to Dubai article today 😂

It's not one or the other though. There's a whole heap of dads who do far better than be there for Christmas. That's a very low bar and not a real parental relationship.

Judgemental, aren’t you?

Of dad's who think being there for Christmas and birthdays is actual parenting? Yes.

Where is ME? Mainland Europe? I’ve tried looking it up and it’s come up as Speen! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

Middle East.

Thanks! for some reason I was going through acronyms - UAE for one and that didn’t register 🤦🏼‍♀️ Google did not provide the answer weirdly

To be fair the article isn't really about what this thread is about - which is a shame as it would be a much more interesting article- i.e. will the UK population start to replicate the international labour migration norms seen across the world where one parent goes overseas for work and leaves the family behind in order to arbitrage salaries and living costs.

It’d be divorce for me.

I think it’s incredibly naive to think the possibility of cheating is not hugely increased by a situation like this. Sadly.

My dad worked for Shell and BP in the 80’s. Based in Saudi mostly. He wasn’t there to experience the toddler stage in all its entirety and when he came home after 3 years of back and forth we moved to Norway for 4 years. It was really hard on my mum mentally and physically. He did eventually settle locally after years based in Scotland and London but not until the mid 90’s by which point me and my sister were teens. As an adult with a teenager and a 10 year old, it was hard watching my dad with my kids as babies and toddlers. He couldn’t relate and didn’t have any patience. He missed all those years with me and my sister and it showed terribly. Yes it made lots of money, my mum could stay at home for us and be available but she was running on empty and lonely, even with a good network of friends. We had nice holidays and it bought my childhood home. Money doesn’t by a second of time and it left a mark. He wasn’t available end of. He missed out on things he will never ever get back and we as a family missed out.

Teens need you, they act like they don’t but they really do! This is a crucial time in their life and development and as a parent you have to be there!

Many military families live like this.

There are some websites/charities that support them with advice, may be worth a read.

It sounds like you discussed and decided it together and hope to make a real difference to the family finances. Have you also had a family chat with the kids? They need to be considered too. In your shoes, assuming there are no red flags emerging, I'd make a list of all the really good suggestions people have made to minimise the risks and the downsides, and agree as many of these strategies as you can, together as a family, including the kids. Good luck!

You both sound so money focussed

Obviously paying off your mortgage faster is the main goal...not being together or being there for your children as a family unit

If that's your priority in life, go for it

You could not be more wrong. It’s a very crucial time. They need role models, parents to actually be there for them when things go to shit.

My DH used to travel so much for work. It was mostly fine, our children/teenagers were good ones but things happened and we talked about it on the phone it always ended with a What do you want me to do, I am not there and can’t do anything. Which was true. But it was never ever a good feeling. I needed him with me for actual support. But the money was obviously good, no doubt.

I have an awful example with a friend's husband moving there for work alone. Mistress and destruction of marriage. Is there any chance you can ALL go? You should all go, not just him on his own.