Husband moving to Dubai without us.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Has anyone on here got any experience of their spouse moving abroad for work without them?
This is a decision based on the financial benefits and neither of us are happy about it but have discussed it, and are willing to live apart for the two years required.
We have two teenage children and I have a job I love in the UK, and I didn't enjoy Dubai when we visited a few years ago.
I don't want to live there.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How do you cope?
I know I'm going to resent having to sort out all the kids and house stuff while DH gets to just look after himself, but financially we will pay off the house and be comfortable.
If others who have some this have any suggestions or tips, I'd be grateful.
Our marriage is pretty good and I trust DH as much as you can trust anyone. He's not a party person and doesn't drink or do drugs, but enjoys exploring new places. He doesn't make new friends easily, and I worry he'll actually be a bit lonely.

You say 2 years but then it’ll be “another six months and we can do X, another year we can retire early, one more year again and we can have the world. Actually I love my life here, it feels like home.”

Agree with PP, these are your final years as a family unit and you’re giving them up. Different doing this when the kids are out of the house, but they need their father and feeling suddenly abandoned by him in their teens is going to have a detrimental effect. By the time he returns they’ll be used to life without him and their relationships will have suffered massively.

Can’t he do this once they are in uni?

When factoring the financial benefit, don't forget to allow for

• Travel costs home several times a year. It's also worth discussing ahead of time how often you expect that to be. My Dad did something similar and I know he felt like it was OK to take a holiday each year - and not come home with that leave time. He'd come home for the rest but take a trip with friends once a year. That caused resentment in my Mum who felt like he should return home with every opportunity. Better establish from the start what you expect because when you work abroad it can feel like a 'waste' if you don't get to travel about in nearby countries a bit.
• The above again but now including travel costs for you and the kids if you'd like to travel out to him sometimes.
• Home help for you. A cleaner, at a minimum but also maybe a gardener to help reduce the total burden of home chores as much as possible.

Agree.

My friend has done similar. She’s moved to Japan with her kids and her husband has opted to stay here. He visits in the school holidays and has found that they have more time together because when he’s there, he can’t work, whereas when they all lived in the UK, they didn’t get quality family time.

I know a handful of couples who have done this or one has came home from Dubai early.

There was cheating on one or both sides in all cases unfortunately.

My ex partner only worked away for 18 months but I lost feelings while he was away. I tried to work on it but they never came back and so i eventually ended the relationship.

I'd suggest looking at it as an investment and a work project - 2 years of work now can pay off the mortgage and transform your financial security in time for the uni/college/moving out years. Technology means you can all still have regular contact - it might be a bit different, but it can still be positive. You can make arrangements to spend the holidays together, including trips to Dubai if you want or just him coming back to the UK. If you have a clear financial plan and a plan for how he then leaves there and comes back, you're at less risk of getting sucked into the trap of the wages being too attractive to imagine coping without them. Has he got arrangements for accommodation and expenses over there?

No point having the mortgage paid off if you end up divorced in two years.

That's a long time to be apart.

Splitting up the family for more money, is not something I would consider. Bad for your marriage, the kids. I honestly can’t see the point in being married to live on separate continents, might start off as 2 years and if you get used to the money will it carrying on for more years. It’s your life OP, do whatever you think is best for you and your family.

I know quite a few people who are doing this. It's not been ideal, but fine and husbands come home during the ME weekend (Friday/Saturday) every so often.

If DH had needed to work in the ME for any reason, we would have done the same. It's not somewhere I would visit for a holiday, never mind live!

My friends did this. Quite simply they needed the money. All holidays, apart from the summer were spent in Dubai. It actually made them a very close family unit and their dc were teenagers. He already worked long hours in London plus commuting. It was a just what had to happen and they made it work. Dc at that age don’t need dad every day and all the ways you can keep in touch make it ok. Just lots of visits to look forward to. Dc also understand.

Were they unmarried couples in their 20's though? I don't know anyone that's happened to who has been married with kids and it hasn't worked out.

Oh gosh. In my industry this is very common and without wishing to be the bearer of bad news, I've rarely seen it work out. The partner either leaves Dubai early because the strain on the relationship/ family is too much - causing massive disruption and upheaval (visa meaning it's not easy to leave early) or they stay and either want to stay longer and not return after two years, or they've become distant from family / one or both spouses have been unfaithful, relationship with kids becomes strained.

One close friend whose husband returned early and didn't finish his contract, agreed he'd come back early because the impact of her essentially becoming a single parent and her husband effectively missing out on two years of his children's lives, they decided after 9 months that no amount of money was worth that. They're fine now.

I think it really depends on your relationship, on what you value (time or money I guess) and how well set up you are to be supported at home. But I'd caution going into this with your eyes open - how would you feel if you could pay your mortgage off but loose a husband at the end of this?

Has he got a break clause if he wanted to come back early?

I have a friend whose husband did this and I'm sorry to say it eventually led to the ended their marriage. As others have said, he became very comfortable with the lifestyle and money and took on another 2 year post, visits home because less frequent and she was so used to her family of 3 without him, him coming home upset the routine and she started to resent him massively. Yes they're rich but bloody miserable for about 4 years until she called time on it. She was also pretty sure he had a girlfriend over there but by that stage she'd checked out.

Honestly, 6 months at most but it's not something I'd ever consider however good the money is. Is there no way you'd consider going?

It's too pay off the mortgage which will give them a cheaper life so definitely not necessarily worth "keeping the family together" for a few years

I'm pragmatic so I don't gloss it over.
It's all very well doing face time and meeting up every six months but what about the between times? You said yourself he's not a party person but you think he would get lonely. I would be more concerned about the possiblity of cheating.
Might be a good marriage but then a lot of people say that before the reality comes to light. A person could cheat on their own door step but I think it is risky when seperated for months on end especially with men.
A lot of these men who go to strip clubs and with sex workers are possibly in 'good marriages' as far as their spouses / partners are concerned.
In the forces and on deployment must be difficult too for both parties.

It's really individual.

On MN, some people can't even cope with a partner working late and being left alone to deal with kids bedtime.

I know many couples who "live apart", army/ off-shore / temporary roles while the other wanted to stay for their career or wasn't allowed to follow. We've done it for a few months at a time and it was a non-issue.

Thanks to modern communication, you can be in touch every day.

The hardest? After the initial excitement, the coming back and getting used to have another adult in the house when you're used to your own routine and managing the petty day life.

Again, it's individual. For some couples, breaking the routine and not becoming an old boring couple is actually quite fun.

I have a friend whose husband went to work in Dubai because of the financial opportunities it offered. He worked there for around 12 years, coming home for a few months between contracts. My friend is a naturally independent sort of person and got on with looking after her children, who were 11 and 15 when their father went away to work. She developed her own business, took up Park Run and triathlon training with her kids and enjoyed life without him there. She really blossomed. No other men in her life, she just enjoyed not having to compromise or look after him. They had fantastic family holidays together in exotic parts of the world that they could never have otherwise afforded and were able to put both children through university and provide lump sums for property deposits and buy-to-lets.

He retired at 60 last year and came home to the family, but she noticed fairly quickly that he was spending a lot of time messaging 'friends' back in Dubai and wasn't really present for her. Turns out that he had a Chinese girlfriend he'd met in Dubai: they've been involved for years. My friend initiated divorce proceedings, he didn't oppose them, and they were divorced in a record-quick time. She moved into her new home two weeks ago.

I haven’t done it but absolutely would. The financial security of paying off your house will provide many more years of comfort than the 2 years of discomfort being apart.

However I would absolutely insist on some of the additional income being spent on things to make my life easier. A cleaner twice a week who would also do the washing, a bigger budget for meal prepping services or take aways so I wouldn’t have to cook every meal, maybe an ironing service, and a bigger budget for a babysitter (if they still need one) so you can get breaks sometimes. Basically taking some of the drudgery (and therefore resentment too!) away.

to add: if someone wants to cheat, no need to go all the way to Dubai for that.
That's the least of my worry or anyone else I know in the same situation.

You might as well start questioning and expect a fully detailed log of every hour of every day, and refuse for the other to go to the gym alone, evenings out, weekends with friends

I worked with someone who was spending every lunch time cheating on their partner 😂.

That struck me as well. OP doesn't like the place, doesn't want to go, presumably her husband is doing this as a financial benefit for the family and I think the OP needs to look at the benefits and also the disadvantages on both sides. Making it all about it is bad for her will cause problems.

I do have some experience as DH worked away for 2 years, not as far, but I think you both need to feel the benefits are worth it or it will be damaging. I actually found the transitions the hardest bit, so he'd get home everyone excited but he'd be tired and it always seemed tense and then the build up to him going.

I think this is very naive of you. You should all go or none.

that's the thing, babysitting aside, you need a lot less of those when you are on your own! Even when you share chores, it's amazing how one less adult makes for a lighter life.

When someone works in a modern and "Western" place like Dubai, they can also easily become in charge of all the admin, it doesn't mean they check out of life. If you work in China with restricted web access, or places with difficult internet access, it's obviously more tricky.

What do you find funny about someone cheating on their partner every lunchtime?

Completely agree! I find the posts about him possibly cheating if he moves away for a couple of years rather naive.