Husband moving to Dubai without us.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Has anyone on here got any experience of their spouse moving abroad for work without them?
This is a decision based on the financial benefits and neither of us are happy about it but have discussed it, and are willing to live apart for the two years required.
We have two teenage children and I have a job I love in the UK, and I didn't enjoy Dubai when we visited a few years ago.
I don't want to live there.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How do you cope?
I know I'm going to resent having to sort out all the kids and house stuff while DH gets to just look after himself, but financially we will pay off the house and be comfortable.
If others who have some this have any suggestions or tips, I'd be grateful.
Our marriage is pretty good and I trust DH as much as you can trust anyone. He's not a party person and doesn't drink or do drugs, but enjoys exploring new places. He doesn't make new friends easily, and I worry he'll actually be a bit lonely.

My DH did exactly this. It was only supposed to be a years secondment at first. DS1 was about to start High School and I didn’t want to uproot him. DS2 was 5 at the time and had just started Reception.
I haven’t read all the replies on your post because I can imagine what most of them will saying.
We made the right decision for us at the time. DH worked in London (we live in Norfolk) and had long days and a long commute. All his clients were in the Middle East and he’d have to drop things just like that and fly over there, we never knew whether we were coming or going.
This way we knew that we’d definitely see him every 6 weeks or so, either he would come home or we would go over to see him.
Be warned though, if he is a resident over there (which he will need to be to access stuff), he will only be able to be in the U.K. for 90 days per tax year. We got round it by going over there or him flying home and then going away.
The years secondment turned into 2 years then 3 years then he got a different job for another year. He ended up doing 3 years in Saudi and a year in Dubai. He came home for good 2 weeks before Covid hit so we went from not seeing him at all to having him here 24/7 which was strange.
Positives were, tax free salary which has gone towards DS1’s Uni costs, amazing holidays, DH now has a brilliant job in the UK which he wouldn’t have got had he not gone there and most importantly for me I become much much more independent. You can throw anything at me and I won’t be phased by it including a pidgeon flying around my son’s bedroom at 5am!!Me and the boys also have an incredibly close relationship as it was just us 3 for 4 years.

Negatives, he missed out most of DS1’s teen years and that has been tough at times. He found it hard to adjust to life over here again but that may have been due to Covid as it wasn’t exactly normal. The judgement from other people as they all thought we were crazy.

I mean this genuinely, if you want someone to chat to please feel free to message me.

I've known a few people do it (and others who moved together). I have extended family in Dubai, so met a lot of expat families over time.

I would say you have to be super disciplined about finances to make it worthwhile, because the extra pay and no/low tax can really easily get eaten up in cost of living and trips out to see each other.

If you really want to do it, make him pull his weight with life admin by doing a lot of the stuff that can be done online.

Do whatever it takes to focus on your marriage. Whatever works for you - calls, visits etc.

My cousin's husband did it and secretly converted to Islam and married a Saudi woman (without divorcing my cousin)! My cousin only found out while visiting with the children and was then terrified that she wouldn't be able to leave the country with them. And he was the most normal, standard, guy you could imagine. It goes without saying that he's as bad as a Muslim as you'd expect from someone who converted for the express purpose of concealing bigamy.

If your children are teenagers then they are soon to be adults. These are the final years of your family life as you have known it, to spend it apart for the sake of money seems really sad.

If this was a genuine post OP would probably have been back by now.

Only for a while, then you get used to it because you live in different worlds. And time zones.

I did it some years ago and it was a great opportunity to build capital quickly for retirement plans. Any short term 'pain' was worth it for the longer term gain. Just be careful of the tax implications, on a two year basis I think he will be liable for tax as though he was working in the UK. You have to live abroad for more than 3 years from memory.

If he is making a lot more then part of that goes into getting you help around the house whilst he's gone.

It will cut into the extra earning a bit but it's only fair.

Slightly different but when our kids were 3 and 7, DH worked abroad for 18 months (although he was back for a week every couple of months). It was extremely helpful financially and although it was tough, we got through it.

Personally I’m yet to see a happy marriage this way . I live in a area where lots of people have husbands working abroad ( petrol related ) and they pretty much lead separate life’s . It’s actually sad to see from the outside . Although some women seem to love it as the husband have huge wages and they enjoy the range rovers and but having to work etc . But every time I see them together seems like they don’t have a real wedding.
A close friend also recently found out her husband had a second family abroad and it’s been devastating . He was supposed to be gone only for 1 years but ended up staying 5 years

Can't he do this when the kids are at uni?
Seems sad to miss 2 years of your children growing up, especially at this stage in their lives when they grow/develop so much as individuals.
Such a lot of risk apart from that, how much difference would it make to your pensions? Worth risking the relationship & family unit over?

My dad lived in China when I was a teenager for a year without us. Then again when I was an adult before he retired to finish a project. The money provided my parents with a buy to let flat that is considered my mom's pension (she has a small pension). When I was a teen it didn't really affect my life since he visited every few months and I was used to him travel anyway.

Thanks again everyone. I'm surprised that this thread has had so many replies. There are some big feelings out there!
I am making a list of all these points to discuss with DH as we've been honest about how we both feel about this, and some of you make really good points.
A few of you have invited me to contact you and once I've talked to DH, I might well do that.
Thanks again for your time.

I think I would give it a go, having read the t&cs

true. but OP indicated it was only 2 years...

My DB did this for three years (Kuwait) when their DD was early teens. I don't think anybody loved the situation but he earned a lot of money to pay off their mortgage etc.

Dubai is probably more fun than Kuwait, but not everyone's cup of tea. Each to their own......

Been there, got the t-shirt. He lived a very nice life while I raised the kids as a single parent pretty much. When he did eventually come back 2+ years later his girlfriend contacted me to say they'd been living together over a year and she was angry he'd chosen his family and stopped paying for their penthouse apartment. Honestly unless you have a rock solid marriage don't even consider it. I was very trusting and supportive and thought the financial aspect was worth the distance between us. It's very common for these guys to just live double lives and the money gets spent on their new shiny lifestyle.

My dad worked abroad for much of my teen years (because it was that or poverty not just to pay mortgage quicker) and to be honest it was terrible. My mum struggled and constantly blamed my dad for her 'having to do everything', he couldn't afford to come home often and when he did it was tense. In hindsight mum was menopausal, stressed, skint and lonely and dealing with 2 teenagers. Of course it was hard!
In reality he was sleeping on a table in a portacabin in Germany just so we didn't lose the house.
I absolutely wouldn't do it. Dh and I are a team and I love the fact that the kids go to each of us equally. If he was away I would be the one they turned to for everything and I feel that after a few years that routine would be ingrained and hard to reverse. I'd prefer to go hard at the cost cutting, no holidays, meals out, expensive day trips for 2 years and but it all towards the mortgage rather than the kids not see their dad everyday.

Cherish your marriage with lots of visits if you can. This could be such a great opportunity to secure your future.

@Pigriver that's kind of different as it's 'Auf wiedersehn pet' territory done for necessity - I knew many like this in Thatchers time- it wasn't done as a choice and they weren't making 'more' money- it was that or unemployment for many

My father spent so much while he was working abroad that my parents were actually worse off when he returned...he came back with debts, no savings so nothing to show for it. And he'd been earning an absolute fortune!

In their marriage my mother had always been the saver, my father the spender. Without my mother physically there, my father acted like he was a single man...in all ways. She ended up being one of the first people in the NW to have an Aids test as he'd been using sex workers in one of the areas of Africa where it was rife in the late 80s/early 90s...

@FreeRider unfortunately with the couple I knew it was a similar situation once abroad on his own - earnt a lot, spent far more than he ever would have done at home because his time was his own

I worked with a woman whose husband went overseas to work on secondment. Sadly he died while he was there so the company flew her out to the country where he'd been working. When she got there she found a woman who was his girlfriend living in his flat. She was devastated because she had no idea - he'd been flying back for weekends and holidays and she thought their marriage was a good one.

You’ve a comfortable life no need for this unless you really had to and you don’t…why take the risk for greed. If you were in a financial hole then yeah maybe but that’s not your situation…

My dad did this for several years during the 80s and 90s for his job. The longest stint was in Kuwait and we all moved over there for the 2 years. We kept our house in the UK for when we returned. My dad earned so much money in this job which was obviously great, but there were times when he went away and we didn't join him. I know my mum found that hard.

It depends what type of relationship you have and if you are joined at the hip and do everything together.
We are both fairly independant and had our own careers, interests and friends. My husband worked all over the world for his job and I just got on with my work and and dealt with running things alone in his absence. I could have tagged along but it would have disrupted sons exams and my own career. I sometimes flew out for weekends or he would fly home. It worked for us for more than 10 years.