Husband moving to Dubai without us.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Has anyone on here got any experience of their spouse moving abroad for work without them?
This is a decision based on the financial benefits and neither of us are happy about it but have discussed it, and are willing to live apart for the two years required.
We have two teenage children and I have a job I love in the UK, and I didn't enjoy Dubai when we visited a few years ago.
I don't want to live there.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How do you cope?
I know I'm going to resent having to sort out all the kids and house stuff while DH gets to just look after himself, but financially we will pay off the house and be comfortable.
If others who have some this have any suggestions or tips, I'd be grateful.
Our marriage is pretty good and I trust DH as much as you can trust anyone. He's not a party person and doesn't drink or do drugs, but enjoys exploring new places. He doesn't make new friends easily, and I worry he'll actually be a bit lonely.

I think if you can find a way to re-frame any possible resentment, then it’s a good thing that you’re planning.

Military wives have to deal with much the same thing, 6 month operational tours with just one R&R break, and little or no control over when this will be. So I think planning visits every couple of months is a great idea.

I’m sure it won’t be easy, but keep reminding yourself of your purpose. We’re fast approaching my husband wanting to retire and the thought terrifies me for financial reasons. Security in retirement is so important.

I just find it horrifying. All the Westerns with the nice apartments & the bottomless brunches and Indians being bused in from shanty towns.

There’s a fiction book about it I can’t recall the name of but it’s basically the wife lives in absolute luxury after coming from an ordinary background in Ireland, the husband gets into financial trouble and leaves knowing she could be arrested, she manages to get out with the kids but she leaves their loyal Asian maid high & dry.

In the last recession, DH managed to keep working, but only by taking on a project in South Africa as well as existing ones here, spending 2 weeks there, then 2 weeks here, on a constant cycle for 4 years. And sometimes travelling overseas during his 13 days a month that he was "home". I stayed home as I also had a FT job and minded DD.

I have taken up a role now which means 3.5 years in Europe, he can't move with me at the moment, so I get home roughly once a month and he travels out when he can (DD is now in Uni in a different EU city so she visits by train a lot). It has got easier in the past 3 months compared to the first 12 as dd finished school and got sorted.

Comms have really improved in between his and my moves though- so we sit and eat dinner together over FaceTime most evenings. We used to occasionally watch something on Netflix together when he was away in the evenings, (both watching the same thing while we had a video chat going), but we're both too busy at night or so that at the moment. But we talk daily by VC and keep up normal chat by WhatsApp etc just as if we were at home and engaging during the work day.

For you to be considering this it sounds like he's already killed the relationship by working "long hours in the city".

Couples I know who do this kind of thing tend to be where the relationship is pretty rubbish and usually its the guy wants more than marriage and family life and the wife who is happy pretending that its still a marriage. Then the inevitable divorce comes and you think 'surprise surprise he spent 5/7ths of his time in London or Asia or ME etc .

I know plenty of families where the spouse has worked away and it has worked but I would be very concerned about my husband moving to Dubai alone (aside from concerns about human rights issues in UAE).

IME (male friends who have lived there), there is quite an expat party scene and a lot of men working away from home having affairs or using sex workers.

I would also be concerned if things do go wrong, he could initiate a divorce in UAE, which would favour him hugely. It is financially advantageous for expat men to divorce there under local law.

Personally I wouldn't do it and can’t understand it. You don’t sound as if you’re really skint.

No amount of money is worth virtually missing two years of his children's lives - they probably won't be at home for many more years. No amount of money would be worth me voluntarily living away from my partner for two years, or leaving all the family drudge work to them.

(I wouldn't move to Dubai with him, either. Not a nice place, all superficiality and dubious human rights.)

@PolyplaxSerrata I did this with DH before marriage and before kids though. We banked his salary in entirety because his package paid for the rent and utilities while there. Also had a flight allowance and a cost of living payment based on a western bag of groceries bought like for like in an expat supermarket. It was the most lucrative phase of career so far!

However it was haaaaard, emotionally and trying to remain connected. We had a big time difference that meant when we could talk, one of us was heading out, going to bed, middle of breakfast, or generally in a rush or signal/connection was poor.

It was cheaper for me to visit him than vice versa, so I went out a few times. When I did, he took annual leave. For me - it was a holiday. For him - it was just days off where he lived, so we begrudged each other a bit then and found middle ground visiting nearby places. I wanted to go to all the places he'd told me about and experience what he was day to day, he didn't because it was his day to day. He became a much more confident person, noticeably so, and I was the opposite. I kind of shrunk into myself a bit, probably because I was jealous of his situation.

When he returned, the reverse culture shock he suffered was humungous. He sank into a deep, dark depression (suicidal). It was awful. That lasted almost as long as he was living away for.

The whole thing put a massive strain on our relationship. I'm not sure I'd do it again and with kids.
We did gain a lot financially from it, it set us up for life, but I really don't know if I'd take the risk with the wonder of hindsight. Definitely wouldn't if kids were young.

Since you mentioned pensions, check what his tax status will be living abroad, and look up national insurance equalisation. Will he earn in GBP? My DH had to do a national insurance equalisation thing, so his state pension wasn't negatively affected by him being abroad.

Good luck. It's a tough decision to make.

When my husband came back I used to think 'whose this great galoot' in my bed in my kitchen interfering in my kids lives (his kids) but I got used to him again just about.

From your posts, several points stand out:

•	Neither of you are happy about this arrangement, but you’ve discussed it and are willing to live apart for two years.
•	You didn’t enjoy Dubai when you visited and have no desire to live there.
•	You already anticipate resentment over handling the kids and household alone while your husband only has to take care of himself.
•	This move primarily fulfills <span class="italic">his</span> long-standing dream of living abroad—something you’ve already experienced—at a time when your children are less dependent but still at home.

Unless this move is a financial necessity (you’re literally at risk of losing your house for example), choosing to do something that neither of you want is illogical. Perhaps one of you is downplaying their desire to do this, but that needs to be addressed honestly before making a life-altering decision. If working abroad has been his dream, this is clearly about more than just making extra money.

This isn’t a hobby—it’s a major life change. And he’s choosing to do it in a country you dislike and don’t want to live in. If it were a country you did want to move to, would you be willing to uproot your life and career to support this dream?

If finances aren’t forcing this decision, why not push for him to do it once the kids have left home? That would remove the strain of solo parenting, prevent resentment, and ensure your children don’t lose two years with their father.

Alternatively, if living and working abroad is something you both want, why not pursue it together—when the timing aligns better for both of you?

Of course, this kind of arrangement can work, and many couples make it work. But if you knew you only had ten years left to live, would you really choose to spend two of them apart by choice—if money weren’t the driving factor?

My friend went through this when her husband had to move for a job that was about 6 hours away in the UK (he is medical and it was a specialist training thing without which his career couldn't progress. They had a 6 year old so not feasible to up and move.
She said it was hard but actually in lots of ways harder on him than her - he was really lonely without his wife and child, the job was full on, he had no friends there or support network. He spent a lot of time on trains on weekends travelling back and forth. He was quite miserable whilst for her, in some ways it was easier as her and her son got into a routine. I think it was quite an adjustment when he came back! Having to compromise on things again. But basically they survived and got through it fine. I think if you trust him go for it.

If you can cope, ok, but I can't even move areas within the UK even though some great jobs are available. I don't want to be commuting every weekend or paying rent (mortgage free) and we'd need to spend a whole lot more on dog care. How many flights home does he get annually? Could you join him for holidays? What kind of accommodation will he have, will it be possible to stay with him,? So many questions!

My dad was promoted and move areas for 2 years, it was crap, tbh. I was 14. He and mam just rowed when he wanted to leave on Sundays and she wanted him to get up at the crack on Mondays instead. I know, very different scenario, but it was rubbish not having him there, yes, poor little me, I know, some kids don't even have dads. I do wonder if it's worth it for lack of money stress? You've obviously decided it is.

My ex worked in UAE, a dream job for him.

When he came home it was tough. I could never express the mildest displeasure or broach any disagreement because I "ruined his holiday"
Had to bite my lip while he went out visiting friends and family(getting drunk) because I "ruined his holiday"
I got fed up really quickly of him criticising meals I cooked whilst he told me about the "amazing food he had cooked for him by his house boy"(servant)
How cold it was.
How messy the house was(see house boy)
His face when I had to go out to work(I had average hols he had generous)
The time difference with phone calls and video calls.(waking me up often)
Dc barely missed him. Hardly noticed. But he was not involved before.
So many stories about drugs, guns and mistresses(always other people)🙄

On the plus side, he met someone else and got engaged(didn't tell me)
So that was how I got rid of a nasty violent narcissist.

My cousin did this. 2 years became another 2 years.
The sons have very little to do with him as he wasn't their during their adolescence.
His wife is still in the UK as she has elderly parents. He keeps taking contracts in the ME and has become a bit of a chauvinist and a bit obsessed with making more money.

What happens at the end of the 2 years in relation to his job, does the contract out there end or will there be an option to continue ….it will be very hard to go back to a job on half what he has been paid and will he want to….Is there a possibility he will have got used to living away from the family and possibly want to stay on for the higher wage….

You need to run a proper risk assessment

I would be lookong at 3 scenarios

1. Dh stays, you change nothing.

what do you save in 2 years?

1. Dh stays. You get rid of cleaner gardener etc and cut back hard no hols etc for 2 years - what can you save in 2 years?

1. Dh goes. You factor in all additional costs (holidays, flights, rent, dental health care taxes) and then build in 10k extrs or so for assumed hidden costs

What can you save in 2 years?

You then need to look at the delta between these are say am i comfortable risking my marriage for 100k /200k / 500k

Because you are 100% weakening and risking your marriage and your family unit.
I would need a BIG number....
For me, i would be still on the fence if it was 1 million net.
Our circs are; We do okay - 2 kids, no private schools but a 5 bed semi in london suburbs, we have a cleaner and summer holidays are nice enough.

As it is I'd rather clean my own toilet and release equity and downsize to fund retirement than make an extra 200k but everyones different.... and if i was in a 2 bed flat with my 2 children and an 80% mortgage i might well have my head turned for 200k net.

I'm completely lost as to why people do this. If you assume the ultimate goal in life is to be happy, money in itself does not make you happy. It's the full stomach, warmth and shelter that it buys you that makes you happier, and the things that make most people happiest of all are spending time with loved ones, which doesn't cost anything.

You sound like you already earn enough to be able to eat, have a house & heating it. If you'd both be happier staying put, then why on earth would one of you earn more money to make yourself less happy? You've completely missed the point of what money is for. Maybe you think you'll be happier in the future - but will you, really? And what about the present? Children are children for such a short time.

I 100% agree with this.

@ozyin yes!! this is my totally my point.
Op sounds like she has so much already. So many people strive and dream of being able to get where her and her husband are already. Life is good...

why risk that...? What is the actual upside and is it worth the risk of the very painful (& likely) downside?

People are terrible at assessing risk and it drives me crazy!

My original comment (which I appreciate is way up the thread now!) specifically called out that I was excluding fly in fly out type arrangements.

If someone is going to actually be based in KSA with family in (eg) UK same thing applies. Specifically for people doing the weekly Dubai shuttle there's that connection with family renewed on a weekly basis that reduces the risk in my mind. People who would always cheat, will still cheat, but the vast majority of husband I know doing this weekly thing don't really do much except work in Riyadh. Exceptions to everything and of course the opportunity is there if the want to!

But I should say that DH and I have also agreed that we'd (it would be me actually) only do Saudi/Dubai for an insane amount of money - basically if it meant we could retire in a year. Only idle chat because no one's going to lay me said insane amount of money! But that's driven by impact on the family, strain we know it will put on our relationship and lack of job security in KSA. I'm not worried specifically about either of us cheating.

I've been here repeatedly as DH has been in/out of the country for the last 15 years. Honestly, it's great. But, it's great because it's what works for us, we both went into eyes open & pre-kids (which did make a huge difference).

I have a great support network nearby - my mum is five mins down the road, my sister lives on the same road as me - and that makes a difference. If it was just me and the kids, it would be harder - not just emotionally, but also for basic issues like collecting the kids from school, taking them to clubs, picking them up from school when they're sick etc (all the things that you might actually be relying on your DH to help with now).

Our kids are quite young but it hasn't really affected them. They speak to him every morning/night. On his current tour they get to travel out to see him with me once a month, and once a month he comes home (Friday night - Monday morning). We've benefitted massively from the financial gain - to the point where I can take SUPL every two years for 3+ months when I'm breeding my dogs and not worry about finances at all - and so have the kids (good schools, activities etc) which we couldn't have managed otherwise.

The only people I know who have made it work in long marriages, like DH and I have, are ones who are either both travelling for work, where the wife/husband tags along or where they're like DH and I & they both 100% support it because that's what works for them as a couple. If one person isn't 100% committed to making it work, it won't work.

Good luck!

100% of men are cheaters. The only men that don't cheat are the ones that don't have options. There isn't a single man on earth that wouldn't cheat given the opportunity of an attractive woman stood in front of him.

I don't think that's true. Because first of all some men aren't interested in women.

Lots of men are absolutely devoted to their woman too and wouldn't hurt them in that way.

Just to be clear, I think a huge majority would cheat, but not 100%.

if you say so, it must be true 😂

100% of women are cheater too, surely?