Husband moving to Dubai without us.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Has anyone on here got any experience of their spouse moving abroad for work without them?
This is a decision based on the financial benefits and neither of us are happy about it but have discussed it, and are willing to live apart for the two years required.
We have two teenage children and I have a job I love in the UK, and I didn't enjoy Dubai when we visited a few years ago.
I don't want to live there.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How do you cope?
I know I'm going to resent having to sort out all the kids and house stuff while DH gets to just look after himself, but financially we will pay off the house and be comfortable.
If others who have some this have any suggestions or tips, I'd be grateful.
Our marriage is pretty good and I trust DH as much as you can trust anyone. He's not a party person and doesn't drink or do drugs, but enjoys exploring new places. He doesn't make new friends easily, and I worry he'll actually be a bit lonely.

This - it's supposed to be 2 years, it's never 2 years.
Are you clear on the exact plan at the end of it? eg - when it gets to 18 months in he looks for a job in the UK? What is the likelihood of getting a good one? What happens if he can't get one?
Or do you move over in 2 years?

You are playing with fire on your relationship, in my experience. It works for about 6 months but that's about it. It's not that he will cheat on you, but you will drift apart.
Unless this is a life changing amount of money and he retires at the end of it, I wouldn't do it.

The OPs kids are teens, I don't know if you have teens, but my teens priorities are not hanging out with their parents and I don't think they are the exception at this age. I even get WhatsApp messages or phone calls from them from their bedroom. They have a long school day, after school activities, homework, then chatting on the phone with their friends and a massive social life on the weekends, they are busy., busy. I don't think any childhood is being missed once they hit their mid teens.

PP have focussed on cheating, but apart from that @PolyplaxSerrata is he the type of person who can save money? I say this because DXB life can get expensive quickly, with taxis and restaurants and entertainment and whatnot in addition to flights back home. If he is not careful with his spending, he will either not save enough for it to be worthwhile, or keep wanting to stay there to fill the leaky bucket,

Absolutely Saudi-Dubai commuting is a strain (and no the weekends haven't aligned) but it's not a situation I'd be so worried about cheating in because from what I understand people doing this don't really have a life in Saudi. They will long hours and don't socialise much.

We did it for 4 years (including almost a year during Covid when he wasn’t allowed out of the country). Made a lot of money, our child was a teen and didn’t suffer at all, nor did our relationship. We’d have 6-8 weeks working hard then a week off when he’d come home or we’d visit him. It worked out just fine!

What is the long term plan? If your children are intending to progress to HE in the UK as home students you will have to fulfil the residency requirements. I do know people who have done this, it can work if you have a clear plan and good funded travel arrangements.

I agree with you the7Vabo

There are many people who have absolute blind spots when it comes to modern slavery.

It is possible, I’ve done it, but you do have to work at it. It’s really important to stay in each other’s social lives, otherwise there’s a danger the away partner develops a single lifestyle which they then don’t want to give up.

I know a couple of families who did that 'for two years' - they got used to the extra cash and both ended up being apart for more than a decade.....

I agree money can be addictive. If he has a better lifestyle and more money in Dubai it wouldn't be too hard to persuade himself to look for more work. He will think to himself the money he gets in England and the amount of tax he'll have to pay on it. He may feel deflated at the idea of working back in England. You work your arse off and your money doesn't reflect it. From what the op has posted her children don't see that much of him so are not bothered if he goes or not.

I am surprised she isn't going with him. I know someone who has moved to Dubai and he has taken his family with him. It might go the way op has said he sounds antisocial. I wish them luck.

Are they back together?

I don't know - have lost touch with both of them, knew them when kids lower senior age and they had been apart since nursery age.

Why the crying with laughter emoji? Do you find it funny?

Ah okay, I didn't realise you meant the lack of opportunity to cheat, but who knows. I have heard plenty of stories of life in Saudi as a rich expat and a rich local.

Does the job come with accommodation or has the employer guaranteed paying the full or part rent for the duration of his tenure? Dubai rents are super high.

If her husband did cheat would he tell his wife? I doubt it. He'll be walking around for two years with heavy ball bags.

I know quite a few who have gone, but all were single, or families together. They were all only going for a couple of years/not having kids there/will leave before the kids start school.

None of them have come back, nor have any intention to. Once you stop paying tax and get used to the lifestyle, it’s very hard to lose that to come back.

This has been touched on by a few people, in my experience the time away isn't too much of a big deal, it's the time after that causes the bigger problems. The family left behind gets used to the absence. Their routine changes. They are a new unit. After 2 years, it can be upsetting having to change all that again. Children in particular don't like someone who was never there now acting with authority. Actually, the wives don't particularly like it either. It's a bit like "Excuse me, you fucked off for two years and left everything to me and now you think you can walk back in here and start telling people what to do?" I don't think I know any who were glad to have their lives changed again like that. People move on.

This is exactly what happens in offshore families I know. One parent is away most of the time; the rest build a life without them really.

Yeah, military families, too. The away partner or parent feels like a visitor. Then, when they are back permanently, they feel like a visitor who won't leave.

He'll get accomadation paid for the first year and will be able to afford a 2 bdrm apartment with the allocation.
We will see if he needs to downsize for the second to save money.
He is adamant his focus will be on paying off the mortgage, them putting money toward retirement.

What would he say if you said you weren’t happy/comfortable with it?

Unfortunately the only person I know who's done this is my friend, whose husband promptly left her after six months after meeting someone else at work. He still lives there and is married to OW. Their son flies out to see him once a year.

I would move. Visiting and living there are different.

If I say no, he won't go.
I'm trying to see it as an opportunity, so am trying to think through possible scenarios.
We have spent too much on travel and children really, and our pensions are not great, so we need to do something.
This move would double his pay for a couple of years, and would help a lot.