Husband moving to Dubai without us.

[PolyplaxSerrata]

Has anyone on here got any experience of their spouse moving abroad for work without them?
This is a decision based on the financial benefits and neither of us are happy about it but have discussed it, and are willing to live apart for the two years required.
We have two teenage children and I have a job I love in the UK, and I didn't enjoy Dubai when we visited a few years ago.
I don't want to live there.
Is anyone else in this situation?
How do you cope?
I know I'm going to resent having to sort out all the kids and house stuff while DH gets to just look after himself, but financially we will pay off the house and be comfortable.
If others who have some this have any suggestions or tips, I'd be grateful.
Our marriage is pretty good and I trust DH as much as you can trust anyone. He's not a party person and doesn't drink or do drugs, but enjoys exploring new places. He doesn't make new friends easily, and I worry he'll actually be a bit lonely.

This is true. However in this case it sounds like he doesn’t have much of a relationship with them anyway, so they probably won’t be affected massively if he goes.

My ex did this 6 years ago for "2 years". He's still there.

Plenty of people do it and manage. I suggest you take parental leave from your job to spend a lot of the school holidays over in Dubai while your husband works then he can use his holidays to come visit you in the UK. Check the maths because housing and general COL is expensive there and with extra flights and extra help you might need at home (cleaner/babysitter etc.) it might not be such a great deal.
i do know someone who went over and had an affair with another ex pat and abandoned his UK family so it’s not without risks but that could happen at home if it’s that way inclined.

It’s a shame you don’t feel like you could go with him. I lived in Dubai for 3 years, it was a wonderful experience. I made lifelong friends, as there’s a great expat community. It’s very different from just visiting.

i think it would be unfair of you to stop him from going, it’s a great opportunity for you to get on a better financial footing and for him to fulfil a long held dream.

Emirates are a great airline and it’s not a long flight to go regularly.

My only caution to you is, there are a lot of Russian prostitutes in Dubai these days, they target, what they consider to be, wealthy westerners! Your husband may be the completely faithful type but it’s surprising what loneliness can make people do.

Plenty of Army wives do this and survive.( especially if the Dc are in school)
Will you visit both ways? If you love and trust each other and keep in regular touch you will manage it. Focus on your future together. If you want it enough you will make it work.

If you have the opportunity to go with him, I would for the sake of the children and your marriage. I get why you wouldn't want to but the lifestyle when living there is very different to visiting on holiday

It’s full of Russians now. Some annoying as shit as they are loud wannabe influencers who stand by pools in nice hotels doing many many takes with their phones. Talking very loudly to their followers. And are being rude to everyone.

Maybe not, and that’s crap. But she might need him for irl support. Until she no longer does. But either way, what’s the point in living apart for two years. It’s living in such different realties and cultures in your day to day life.

I know a few people who do as you and your husband are going to do. I also know a woman who moved to Dubai with family then left, with the kids, to go home, leaving her husband out there, because she and the kids didn’t enjoy it. And I know a lot of people where both halves “live in the UK” but one half (always the husband in the ones I know) spends many weeks in the Gulf, so they are apart a lot, don’t have the tax free set-up but see each other most weekends. A lot of people who live in Dubai find the summer unbearable so move back home for 3 months then.

From what I observe it is a Marmite-y place. Some people have big human rights / criminal justice / cheap labour issues with going there, others don’t register the pseudo caste system.

You are unlikely to suddenly start loving it just because other people commenting here did, if you don’t like the prospect now .. you might tolerate it, you might put up with it, but not liking somewhere now increases the probability you won’t. Your gut is a powerful tool of self-awareness!!

I’m thinking of your teenage kids. If they are not particularly close to/reliant on their dad is it not even more important for him to be around so they can build a closer relationship? To have a male presence is really important for boys and girls growing up and is protective moving forwards for loads of reasons. Also, what does it tell them (consciously or unconsciously) about how his dad feels about them that he is quite happy to live away from them for two years? What will they do with that and how will they understand it?
I think of my dad who really supported me emotionally and with learning through my teens. He offered me something so different from my mum. If he’d have left for a month - let alone two years - I would have been heartbroken. I might have understood it that I didn’t matter enough to him for him to stay. I had a close relationship until he died and learnt so much from him.

I agree with you, but if he hasn’t bothered to build a close relationship with him by this point, I think it’s unlikely he’s going to. The way the OP describes him suggests he isn’t massively interested in family life generally.

Yes that makes me feel quite sad for the kids.

Hi
my husband works in Dubai, I have residency and live between there and the U.K.
My husband was already working there when we met, I tried living full time there, but missed family and friends in the U.K. so I have two lives now.
what I would say is:

1. Living there isn’t like being on holiday.Lots of people live quite normal lives in the UAE. All depends where you choose to live.
2. The experience of living there is fantastic for children, the international schools are great. Unless your children are at a great private school in the uk, it’s got to be better.Dubai is very safe and respectful, a great experience for children of all ages. Most employees include accommodation and school fees for dependant children. Spousal and children’s residency visas.
3. The health care system is outstanding and the employer usually pays for the family’s private health insurance.
4. Overall, it is superior to being in the U.K. A lot of expats with children come back to the U.K. for the 8 week summer holidays. It’s too hot in summer.
5. Not sure whether to say this, but here goes…. Western men, especially British are highly sought after by the Philippino girls/ladies. They really are very very pushy, guys get very flattered. It is quite common for men, especially mature guys to fall for this.
6. If it was me, I would definitely give it a go, you won’t know until you try. There are great places to live, meet other expats, have great education and health care.

My dad did this when I was a teenager, he was contracted for 2 years in Saudi. Halfway through his friend back here died suddenly and he realised life was too short so he only did a year in the end.

Money can always come back, time as a family is irreplaceable and once it’s gone it’s gone.

I would never do this, we’re a family unit and where one goes we all go.

My husband did this but to Nigeria for an oil company. I started off with him but then it got too dangerous and wives were sent home. There was very little freedom - basically camps surrounded by armed guards and it all got very Eastenders with affairs particularly with the young women surrounding the camp who wanted a way out of poverty and who weren't put off by the majority of men who were coming up to retirement age and who wanted a last splurge of money earned in a 'hardship' posting. Heavy drinking was rife as there wasnt much else to do. My husband came back every 6 weeks and that period is just a distant memory now. I think he was there for about 2 and a half years. For the period I was there two of our youngest children were with us and have very fond memories so it wasn't all bad.

I have done this and I wouldn’t recommend, it nearly ended our marriage.
having said that, I have also lived in Dubai and would say that it is very different living there than going as a tourist. On the face of it, I wasn’t a fan, but I did like hiking in the mountains and kayaking in the mangroves. I would join the face book group ‘British mums Dubai’ for greater insight in the types of area you would want to live in etc.

I ended up moving over after two and a half years. It's tough.

O would just be wary that the extra money is sent to you and banked- I do know a couple that did this and the guy ( who was the one out in Middle East) got into a habit of spending an awful lot more than he would at home- Dubai isn't cheap and he got into the habit of Friday brunches, trips out and weekends away with new colleagues and the family ended up seeing very little of the extra money -they are still married but it created huge issues. He also seemed to enjoy the lifestyle and awful lot more and his family became a bit secondary in many ways

I think you'd be crazy not to go with him. I lived there for a few years. There were quite a few men that came out to work in that time while their wives stayed at home and not one of their marriages survived. It could be a really great opportunity for you as a family. Why wouldn't you go together?

Can’t it wait a few years until your teenagers are adults and starting their own lives? Yes you’ll be at home alone by that point but also with more freedom to have your own life to keep you busy while hubby is away

it will be ok.
you both agree the goals of this
plan for when he comes back
help him find friends (golf, sports in general, etc etc)

think about it as a duty tour in the ME. he is taking one for the team. being away from kids and wife is actually one of the hardest things i could think of

Yes, these opportunities are life changing and real hardship. As OPs h, it's a short term thing and worth it. Most leave within 5 years once they have earned enough big bucks and return. It's why these oppos are always available.
The ME is quite tough, it's not nasty but I feels it's soul less. If I was young enough I would have done the same to be mortgage free and a large nest egg.

Each to their own but there is no amount of money that would make me even entertain the thought of this.

Plus you both have to adjust when he returns. Sounds a good idea but comes at a price!